SilentAudacity

Feeling heavy; a dull aching between two ears. Brow furrowed deep behind tired eyes, a numbness in rational thinking. Mental narrative develops slowly; thumbs even thicker. His words hit my forehead like rocks. My hands tense, then I feel a fury of fire ignite in my belly and rise to my chest. Eyes bloodshot in an effort contain the vile screams dying to escape. 
 

" And you can see my heart, beating,
You can see it through my chest
I'm terrified but I'm not leaving, no
I know that I must pass this test
So just pull the trigger "

Observing this shift into less-dom; 
making decisions that are less dumb. 
This cloud isn’t as dark, but its depth makes up duration, and then some. 

Its all or nothing this time, if I’ll ever break free.

This burden I was forgiving, and until now I was willing. You placed me beneath you, and I let you keep me. 
 

From a book I am reading. It is said that our lives reflect our willingness; our willingness to stay at a dead end job we hate, our willingness to stay in a relationship that makes us feel like shit, our willingness to tolerate people walking over us. What we are willing to tolerate, becomes our reality. Change only comes when our willingness for something different exceeds our willingness to stay put. Are you willing to walk away from that job you hate? Are you willing to end a relationship that doesn’t serve you? Are you willing to continue living in a way that does not support your dreams & aspirations? 
 

I tolerated being treated like shit in my relationship, thus I was WILLING to overlook many things.

eventually, I got tired of getting burned.

its a mind fuck.

Unconditional. 

On, The Wise Mind.

A lot on my heart. A lot on my mind. Not sure where to start, I’ll give it some time. Out of the darkness, into the light. This isn’t my first time, joining the fight. 

{I, I keep a record of the wreckage of my life
I gotta recognize the weapon in my mind}

"Come on, little lady, give us a smile"
No, I ain't got nothin' to smile about
I got no one to smile for, I waited a while for
A moment to say I don't owe you a goddamn thing

'Cause kindness is weakness, or worse, you're complacent
I could play nice or I could be a bully
I'm tired and angry, but somebody should be

Someone like me can be a real nightmare, completely aware
But I'd rather be a real nightmare, than die unaware

Working on slowing down enough to acknowledge my own needs. 

bday in a couple of weeks, subsequently the anniversary of r & I’ve always made it a point to be around people. This year, not on great terms with family, very depressed, best friends cant come & I dont care to be around anyone else. feeling really blue. 😞