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    Science; Hiking; Jogging; Teaching

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  1. I'm sorry you are remembering things. I can relate. Just hang in there and take it a day at a time.
  2. edfisch

    Hi All.

    Hey Again. I'm not sure what to even say or how to get started. I'm married and have two little kids. My wife and I are having problems. I don't want to lie to you guys, that is why I first came to the site. She thinks that I'm too controlling and she partly blames it on what happened to me when I was a kid. She knows a little about what happened, not a lot, but she is the only one I have ever told anything to. She told me this summer before we went back to work (we work together) that I needed to figure it out and deal with it and move on because it was ruining our marriage. I just don't know how to do that. Maybe I am too controlling, and maybe I am a bit*h, but I don't know how to change. I try to be good and kind, but I guess I miss the mark and I'm not good or kind enough. I do admit I hate not being in control, but isn't that just normal? Whether or not control was taken from me when I was little, I probably would still be a control freak. I just feel so depressed all the time. I feel like there is nothing I can do that is right. And I feel like there is nothing that I can ever do to make up for my silence years ago. I know that you guys said that it was not my fault, which I appreciate, but I still feel bad about not speaking out when it could have made a difference. I do feel like I am partly responsible for whatever happened after me, if anything happened after me. My job requires me to be a "mandatory reporter." I am legally required to report when I think something like what happened to me is happening to a child/teen. I know that I would report someone now if I knew they were hurting someone, but part of me wonders what people would think if they knew that I was silent when I could have spoken up as a kid/teen myself. Would they see me differently? Would they see me as a coward for not speaking up? Would they see me as less than I am now? As broken? As damaged? I guess that is one reason I choose this forum, because I don't have to worry about people I know seeing what I type and knowing the truth about me. I don't think I could live with people knowing. I see myself as all of the things above a lot - a coward, broken, weak, damaged. And I wish that I could see myself differently. I just don't know how. I don't think I'm looking for you guys to give me answers, but thank you for listening.
  3. edfisch

    Hi All.

    Hi Everyone. I'm here because I am having a hard time dealing with the guilt of not telling someone about JF and what he did to me so many years ago. I feel like me not saying something put others at risk, and I don't know how to cope with that.
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