So I’ve been a member on here for quite some time. I’ve never had the courage to post anything of my own. Now I’m in desperate need of support and very ashamed to ask for it.
I have lived alone for a while now. At work, I’m usually surrounded by the love and laughter of people all day. When I come home, I’m too exhausted to even think, but in the best way possible. I feel full. With everything going on in the world, I am working from home. Alone. And that is a bad combination.
Now that my distractions are gone, the thoughts and memories are creeping their way back in. My anxiety is heightened and everything startles me. From the smallest creak in the floor boards to a loud noise for the tv. I’m already in fight mode. However if it’s quiet, it’s just as bad.
I can be sitting, letting my mind wander, and burst out in tears thinking about what he did to me all those years ago. I am waking up screaming or in cold sweats with the memories of what he did. My dreams are so real and so vivid, I swear I can almost feel them. Relive them. I’m afraid to sleep, but I’m also afraid to be awake. I have tried all sorts of meditations, melatonin, yoga, exercise, etc. to help calm my nerves, but nothing seems to be helping. It’s always the same memory. The exact same time. Every single day.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not rested, I’m barely eating, and I have turned to alcohol to help me sleep through the night. Knowing this is wrong, it worries me. I have come too far to go backwards, but I’m afraid I’m already there.
I hate that it’s been almost 5 years and he still has power over me. I’m so angry and I’m so sad. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid. And I hate that.