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Blog Entries posted by rakit

  1. rakit
    Actually left my apartment of my own choice today. Not because of work, not because I promised someone I would do something or be somewhere. Just decided to get out for me. Walked down street and back. Picked up some junk food on the way back. Was gone for about 20 minutes, during which I realized it had been a very long time since I did that.
    It's the first time I've left the apartment because I wanted to, rather than needed to or promised to, in about...a month?  Maybe longer?
    I noticed today that I was truly paying attention to, and laughing at, my favourite Youtuber's new video. It felt amazing. I didn't realize I hadn't truly been enjoying it for a long time. Halloween is my favourite, but I haven't decorated the way I did last year or the year before. I don't enjoy movies or shows the way I used to. I've been struggling with a lot the last while. With my workload, with my volunteering, with my social life, with my SI, with my uncertainty and fear of my brother, with my breakup last month. I lost more than a boyfriend with that breakup, I think. I lost some hope. I was so proactive about having frank conversation on major deal breakers, then threw myself into it wholeheartedly.... I told my therapist last session, that I was done with relationships for a while. And I am, but I never seem to stay single for more than a few months. I'm hoping that I can learn better how to just be on my own this time. I don't want to stay heartbroken forever. Just maybe for a little while, work on the "let myself feel emotions rather than silencing them".
    I'm just a little numb. A little sad. Stressed. I'm noticing that SI has become a daily consideration...again. It doesn't really end, but it gets easier to deal with. Might be in a valley of the cycle right now, but eventually a peak will show itself and I can climb up it. This may not be totally new, but I am working on feeling. Which is different from before. Improvement.
  2. rakit
    What a month! I've gotten swamped with work, community theater has my evenings kept busy, and I've been helping out at the local animal shelter. All of which has left me busy beyond belief, exhausted, and struggling to just function. Forget gettting further on my healing journey. I also won't be able to see my therapist for another 2 weeks. So that's not so fun.
    About a week and a half ago I relasped into my self injury momentarily. I had a terrrible nightmare and lizard brain kicked in to just get out of the dissociative state. So I fell back into old hiding habits. Haven't made it a pattern, and I'm refusing to focus on the relapse itself. Instead, I'm glad that I kept myself accountable to my small network and refused to go any further than that.
    Today has been particularly difficult. My boyfriend and I, when we first got together last winter, had the major discussions. He said he wanted kids, and that lined up with my own feelings. Then we went on vacation this past summer, and he made an offhand comment about how annoying he found families with small children. Major red flag for me. We discussed it at the time, but didn't come to any major resolution and it left him thinking. He's been ill since, though now he's finally gotten some respite from it. So I told him about my worries, and we had a very open and honest discussion. Because it's not just about the kids comment, though it turns out he's more on the fence about kids than he thought he was. Which sucks. Non negotiable for me, I definitely want a kid (or two).
    I live more rurally. He works in the city. I love my job, and I've spent about 2 years now building a community life for myself since I moved out here to take the job I love.  The problem also lies in that his own beloved career path is in the IT sector, and that kind of job basically doesn't exist in the area I live and work. While we've talked about compromising and either one or both of us commutes to work (anywhere from 30 min to 1 hr in one direction), we agree that this would be particularly stressful in winter driving and would ultimately strain our relationship with the imbalance of time.
    Based on these two things, we're calling it splits. We dated about 8 months, and we would rather be fair to each other and not get any more invested than what we already are. Which is why I've sobbed through this entire post, of course. Because neither of us held back on our feelings, and I fell for him way harder than I thought I would from the long distance relationship. We have both said that we care for the other, and we want to try being friends after. I told him I'm going to need time and minimal contact before I can try friends again.
    Anyone who has had a similar experience, good or bad, feel free to comment and let me know how it went for you.
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