It's the first time I've left the apartment because I wanted to, rather than needed to or promised to, in about...a month? Maybe longer?
I noticed today that I was truly paying attention to, and laughing at, my favourite Youtuber's new video. It felt amazing. I didn't realize I hadn't truly been enjoying it for a long time. Halloween is my favourite, but I haven't decorated the way I did last year or the year before. I don't enjoy movies or shows the way I used to. I've been struggling with a lot the last while. With my workload, with my volunteering, with my social life, with my SI, with my uncertainty and fear of my brother, with my breakup last month. I lost more than a boyfriend with that breakup, I think. I lost some hope. I was so proactive about having frank conversation on major deal breakers, then threw myself into it wholeheartedly.... I told my therapist last session, that I was done with relationships for a while. And I am, but I never seem to stay single for more than a few months. I'm hoping that I can learn better how to just be on my own this time. I don't want to stay heartbroken forever. Just maybe for a little while, work on the "let myself feel emotions rather than silencing them".
I'm just a little numb. A little sad. Stressed. I'm noticing that SI has become a daily consideration...again. It doesn't really end, but it gets easier to deal with. Might be in a valley of the cycle right now, but eventually a peak will show itself and I can climb up it. This may not be totally new, but I am working on feeling. Which is different from before. Improvement.
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