Len523

Sitting with you too.

I've had 3 deaths anniversaries in December. One of them was my father's, who ran away from my mother after only 4 months of marriage and didn't want to be involved with me, even after I'd become an adult, left 'home' and had a job, and the other was that of the cat who was my companion from the age of 4 to the age of 17 1/2.  I have another death anniversary coming in February: my cousin, who was sexually abused by a priest at his Roman Catholic boarding school, committed suicide when I was 3. He was about 25 years older than me as my father married my mother when he was in his 50s. 

I read up on Complicated Grief a couple of years ago, it helped a little. When my father died, I hadn't seen him for over 20 years, my cat was taken to the vet by my mother and euthanized at her request because he had difficulties controlling his bladder and sometimes didn't make it in time to his litter box, and my cousin's suicide was a big family taboo, the family's official version was that he had died in a car accident, they refused to follow his will so he was buried in the family plot even though he wanted to be cremated with dispersal of ashes (and, as he had committed suicide, the priest shouldn't have agreed to bury him in consecrated grounds), and although his belongings were salvaged from his flat and ended up in our house (including the toilet brush), I had to wait a dozen years before I was authorised to look at a photograph of him, which was then taken away. By that time I hardly remembered what he looked like. As a 3-year old, it was awful, having my memories of him fade away, knowing I would never see him again. Even then I didn't believe in God and an afterlife, and the priest had told me that my cousin had gone to Hell anyway, because he had committed suicide, to which I objected 'But he had a car accident!'. He told me with a significant look that this wasn't true, but whenever I mentioned to other people that my cousin had committed suicide, my mother would get mad and insist that he had had an accident. The hypocrisy... 

I stayed in a hotel over Xmas and watched the James Bond movie SkyFall on TV. Before setting fire to his family home, James Bond turns back to take a last look at it, then mutters 'I've always hated the place'. I found that really therapeutic! 

Thank you all for your messages and I appreciate you @GreySock for sharing your own experience. I struggled through the holidays but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, and time breezed by very quickly so I'm glad it's over now. I read through these some days ago and it helped to know that I wasn't alone, but I waited until I was in a better place mentally and physically to reply. I'm at my girlfriend's house now, but I'd spent the holidays at home where my uncle (who I talked about in a post on here) has been temporarily living. I haven't told anyone about the trauma because since I can't fully remember it, I always doubt myself on whether it happened, and after my other uncle's death in December of 2021, he's the last remaining brother to my mom. The entire family constantly brings it up and clings to him since he's one of the youngest of their siblings, and the longer I spent under the same roof the harder it became to believe myself.

'the harder it became to believe myself.' I can relate to that. When I was younger and talked to what had happened to me to 'normies', I'd get remarks like 'You should write novels/scripts for movies' or even 'You should write scripts for porn movies'. Unfortunately, that means that if people like that have children who are being abused in their neighbourhood, among their pupils or their patients etc. they will fail to notice anything.

I'm sorry the front office was rude, but curious as how it went? 

I hope that meeting the T was a much better experience. 

So far it has been very positive, so I think its just the front office that sucks. She's a lot more down-to-business than my previous therapist but she's really nice and seems almost excited to psychoanalyze me (which I find oddly flattering).

Happy to sit with you. 

Thank you 💕

Gosh I am sorry. 

That's really nice!

That’s great To hear 

Congrats, have fun!

I'm sorry that you're struggling with a lot right now, Len...and how do you feel about ending sessions with your T? Will you be searching for another T? Or can you start back up with them if you need more sessions? I hope you're healing after having your cyst drained. Take it easy. ❤️ 

I'm currently searching for another T because mine will be leaving and I'll be unable to continue with her. Its definitely been rough and I'm not entirely sure how I'll handle starting over since the past 2 years have been pretty bad and she's helped me through a lot of it. On the bright side my wrist is doing a bit better after I had the cyst drained, so hopefully it doesn't come back

Sitting with you and sending lots of care, comfort, and support, Len. ❤️ I hope you'll be able to celebrate your birthday a little bit. Best wishes.

Thank you 💕I'm already emotionally exhausted the closer it gets to the day but my family is already helping prepare to celebrate so hopefully I can overcome the feeling

Sending positive vibes. It's never fair that we can identify what should be good and happy days with trauma or even grief of a loved one. Hoping you are able to focus on the good and I'm glad your family is helping. 

No truer words will I speak today...I hope you have a happy birthday, Len. I really do.   

That's great!! Congrats! I hope it goes well.  

I'm sorry about the awful nightmare.  I hope tonight will be better.

I hope so as well, I'm not sure what triggered it because I actually had a great day beforehand. I was finally out of a depressive pit and the dream threw me right back in

Cute!

Eeee I love it!! ❤️💛💚💙💜

Ah nice one @Len523 Glad that talking things through helped and old friends are always a good distraction 💛 

Thank you! 💕💕 Its harder since I'm back home alone now but I'm at least glad I could tell my T so we can start there next time 

I agree with Mary...you don't owe him anything, not even a reply. You know your answer, so it might be for the best to just delete the message and pretend it never happened. Block his number if needed, too. I'm glad you're going to talk to your T about him and what to do. Best wishes to you. ❤️ 

Thank you both ❤️ 

I've been sitting here for the past two-ish hours stressing out about it but I'm glad I haven't sent anything because I think not responding is in my best interest here. I feel a little less panicked than I was before thankfully so I'll delete it and try to ignore. I have him blocked everywhere except discord (because of a mutual friend group chat and a volunteer group chat) and apparently he tried messaging on those platforms before trying this one..

I'm glad you decided to delete it. This is your best interest and that should override everything else. Hopefully it helps you destress about it. Since you can't block him on discord, just ignore him as much as you can.  

I had a similar experience. Sometimes an hour In T can cover lots of topics, sometimes It can't. Interestingly enough, I feel like I do the most work outside of therapy and that's cool too. I also love that you thought of a blog because writing things down makes everything In your mind a little more "understandable"? If that makes sense...If you like, you can check out my blog for Ideas to get you started (only If you feel like It). Anyways, good luck!

Perhaps start by throwing some words on a WORD document or scribbling notes on a piece of paper. The good thing about wherever you do start...nobody here will judge. Most of us get it, too. I think we've all had too many emotions, not enough writing clarity. It can be a relief tho, just to get some of it out.

Wishing you luck with this.  

I'm glad you were able to get through your traumaversary. ❤️ That's a big accomplishment! I'm so sorry though about getting sick and not sleeping well. I hope you feel better.

Thank you so much! I'm hoping to get some sleep tonight since resting might help. I have my 2 year old niece to thank for the cold...

I listened to music and drew the whole time, and I'm so glad because the topic was on the exact thing my brain was already spiraling about the other day

It's nice she was upfront and gave you that option. Glad you recognized music and drawing was your way to self-care during the lecture. And gifts? Nice.    

I'm sorry you're not feeling comfortable in class today, it sounds like that would be a difficult thing for any survivor to listen to. Sitting with you in support, if ok. 

I'm sorry you were feeling triggered in class. Remember it is okay to miss a class if it becomes too much or if it is really affecting your mental health. When I took a criminal law class, I had to skip the s*x crimes unit myself. 

Thank you, I wasn't in a great state of mind so I forgot to respond here, but I appreciate the support.

The class itself is specifically about that subject because unfortunately there weren't a lot of options available to fill that section of the degree requirement (I'm on my last few semesters and needed to add this to remain full time). I've been getting better at dealing with the topics in class, but when the unit came in to speak with us they starting telling us (very explicitly) about recent cases they worked, and it was a lot more triggering than the normal lessons

Oh no. 😕 That's really frustrating! I hope the hot water came back so you could bathe. Sending you support. ❤️ 

I hope the anxiety has subsided. Panic attacks truly are not any fun. 

Sending support and positive vibes that you are feeling better soon.  

Its a little better from what it was when I posted, thank you for the good vibes 💛

Oh no. I'm sure it will be very difficult to handle...lots of triggers.  But please know you aren't alone. You are safe and among friends here. Take gentle care of yourself. ❤️ 

So true. I have complex PTSD and fireworks always trigger. I am so sorry. 

They always trigger for me too unless they're the whistly ones, the popping sound is connected to the trauma and I also hate loud/abrupt noises because of different trauma so it just sucks all around

I'm sorry it will be that long. It truly can be the toughest time of the year. 

Sitting with you, if ok. Safe hugs offered, if ok.  

I got through it without a breakdown, but I did cry while it was happening.

Very proud of you...hope you are of yourself, too. Facing something that scares you is the very definition of brave. I bet you are glad it's over, tho...and I don't blame you. Safe hugs, Len.   

I'm very proud of you, Len! That is great you got it over with. Even if you cried a little, there's nothing wrong with that. You were very brave, like Mary said.  

So sorry. I hope you feel better!!

Sitting with you, if you'd like. I hope the mood eases and you feel better.

Sitting with you if you would like company? Can you make time for some relaxation and salf care today? B

Thank you, I’m at work so its really hard to stay calm. I have to talk to people on the phone but I know I just can’t— I had a client try to flirt with me earlier because he liked my voice and it just creeped me out so much and I can’t shake it