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Posts posted by Kady

  1. So my life has made a few changes. My loving relationship is falling apart due to the fact that the love of my life seems to love drinking more than me. I thought we could overcome anything because we loved each other but the truth is sometimes love isn’t enough. He gets angry when he drinks and he treats me worse than my attacker did. That’s when I knew it was time to get out and give him time to find his way. It has been hard but my relationship has made me stronger and that is why I made the decision to speak up against what happened to me 5 years ago. I was in the military when it happened and I talked to the nice woman I had filed a restricted report with back then, and she told me there is no statute of limitations in the military for such things. So I changed my report this week and am going to have to relive the events of that night and others as well during this process. She told me to write down what happened so it would be easier to tell my story when the investigators contact me. As some may know writing it down and talking about it is like reliving it. I was taught that the more I am able to speak out about it the more power I am getting back from those that made me feel powerless. I am sure it will not be easy but I am thankful to have found this site so that I have others to turn to that know what I am feeling. It’s hard to tell someone that has never gone through it because I feel like they look at me with the same look I used to give myself, the look of shame. I don’t want people to feel sorry and so I have kept it to myself for so long. It’s time that I take a stand to make sure my silence doesn’t allow it to happen to someone else. I am a Law Enforcement major in college and we have been discussing, in great detail, criminal sexual conduct, or rape to most people. My instructor actually helped me to see that if I want to be able to help victims as a cop I need to take a stand myself and be able to move on knowing that justice will be served. I want attackers to know that no means no and that no one deserves to be taken advantage of, as was the factor in my situation. I listened to the horror stories and what people go through and realized that it could have been so much worse for me. My instructor said that being passive and not fighting back may keep the violence down but make the event last longer. Alcohol was my factor and that’s why I got sober. I decided that I will never make myself that vulnerable again and just because I didn’t fight back doesn’t mean that I deserved to be assaulted. So thank you to those who have offered me words of encouragement so far and I hope I will continue to get just as much support as I go through the process of seeking justice for what happened to me. As for my relationship, I have hope still that God will show him the light of happiness but he needs to see it on his own. I know he is a good person but he is hiding behind the alcohol rather than dealing with what is hurting him emotionally. I recognize his pain but perhaps for different reasons. I hope one day to be with him again but only God knows the future and I have finally given Him the control of my life again. Feels good to have that weight lifted. 


  2. I’ve been to therapy and after five years it still feels like it happened yesterday. My family doesn’t understand and I don’t know where else to go to try to feel normal. I have given my life back to God and yet I’m still so angry with myself. Angry for letting it happen, not trying harder to stop it and angry that I wasn’t strong enough to report it. They may be out there hurting others because I was too afraid to come forward. Afraid of how people would look at me and how others would feel about me. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t seem to move forward in my life because I can’t forget. I have chosen to forgive, not for the, but for me, and that has helped. I was stronger until I fell in love. He offered me a safe haven and yet I still feel alone and don’t know how to be a good girlfriend. I want to start a family but I feel like there is something g unloveable about me even though he tells me he loves me. I don’t think he can until he knows and understands what I’ve been through. Should I sit him down and pour out my heart or should it be a secret I carry with me forever??

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