Ghost of me

The above information is pretty awesome and very sound advice! I completely agree with the idea of seeking advice as soon as possible from a professional.

That said, I experience what you describe on a daily basis and have done for so long (more severe recently) that I’ve honestly lost all sense of time and the day, date, month, year etc are all a mystery to me! Trying to function “normally” or even just function at all is incredibly difficult but on the plus side, I know what it is that I am tackling and slowly but surely with encouragement and the right information from my therapist, I am learning to spot tell tale warning signs that it’s going to happen and if I wake up on a day and feel those warning signs.. I cancel any plans for the day and I move my car keys to a second safe location that isn’t somewhere I would automatically look for them... I’m no longer in the habit if driving whilst in a horrible state because that would be irresponsible. 

What I experience is dissociation, dissociation occurs on a spectrum from mild ‘day dreaming’ all the way up to severe ‘DID’ and it’s possible to fall anywhere in between. C-PTSD carries a strong element of dissociation as well and that’s what causes my dissociation that so closely matches your description, I also have a partial diagnosis of a Dissociative Disorder (Not Yet Specified) but if/when I see a specialist that will become a diagnosis of DID which carries slightly different dissociative symptoms and they are all based around the fact that I have numerous insiders (alters).

I would certainly recommend searching this forum for topics with dissociation in the title, you’ll find so so many posts from people having similar experiences because it’s actually a fairly common condition amongst trauma survivors because it is a survival technique and it can become ingrained in our everyday lives that means it can be triggered by many different things, anything that that triggers us or makes us feel threatened or even uncomfortable or unsafe can instantly cause us to detach from the situation and dissociate.

Obviously I can’t give you a diagnosis but in my mind, dissociation is just what it is because you almost exactly described my life! The right therapist can really help with dissociation a lot and should be able to teach you lots of relevant grounding techniques to help control the dissociation.

@Amsekhmetthank you so much for everything you said. The past few weeks have been terrible. I did get to my Dr and physically nothing is wrong so I am relieved there. I did tell her about the stalking that's been going on but I couldn't bring myself to mention anything else. I know she suspects more is going on. She gave me the number of a therapist to talk to and suggested I report it as soon as possible. If only it were that easy. 

@EmptyInsidethank you for saying that  I'm scared of whats going on with me but physically nothing is wrong with me so that's a plus. I've always lost time but it's just been like "daydreaming" and never more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time.

But within the last month and a half its getting a lot worse. I'm loosing hours at a time and it really is scary. I'll have conversations I won't remember having. I'll be somewhere else entirely and won't remember getting there either. 

My roommate has brought it up too. She says I have conversations with her which I've no memory of. My roommate has noticed that I sort of "zone out" but I'm still fully functional but far away at the same time. We made a pact that when I do this she takes my keys and hide them so at least I won't be out driving to be in further danger.

When you said you do this daily makes me feel better. I know I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy. 

I'm so glad to know that you were able to talk with your roommate @Ghost of me.  You deserve to have an  understanding and respectful friend.  I hope you are feeling well.         

@Angelonia thank you. I was so scared she'd react the way my friends did. It means a lot for her to be there for me. I don't feel like I'm alone. I know on AS I'm not alone but it's so nice to have someone support you who's face to face instead of online. I was afraid she'd think I was dirty or something. 

As for my being well I'm still struggling with if I want to continue my pregnancy or not. I know I'm running out of time to make that decision. And my morning sickness is an all day thing but I guess other than that I'm doing ok. I hope you're doing well.

I think it's great that you have your roommate to talk with now.  As you say, I'm sure it was a lot for your roommate to take in.  As fellow survivors your online friends here at AS will be available to listen as much as you need to talk.  

I'm sorry you are experiencing morning sickness all day.  I wish I had helpful advice, just hugs and support. 

I am doing fine, thanks @Ghost of me.

I feel like this al the time. 

That is so difficult, you're dealing with a lot right now. That's a really big decision you're making and the consequences are really heavy.

Why did your friends react badly? you defiinitely don't deserve that.

Keeping things in can absolutely make you explode in other ways. It's totally understandable that you have a lot of anger. You're allowed to be angry. 

And there's no such thing as participating in your assault. None of this was your choice. None. 

I'm so sorry you're going through so much. It's amazing that you're doing this well to be honest, you should be proud of yourself.

Do you think you could explain to your roomate what happened? Even just a little bit so she knows where this is coming from and not to take it to heart

Safe hugs, if okay.

Yes safe hugs are ok thank you.

Honestly I don't know why my friends reacted the way they did. I was accused of being an "attention w**re" and called a liar. They have no idea how hard it was to even tell them what happened. I expected at least a little bit of sympathy from the people I knew.

On AS I've gotten sympathy and understanding from complete strangers about what has happened which has helped so much. I just wish the people who knew me would've reacted the same. I TRUSTED them so much and they let me down. 

I'm nervous about telling my roommate about it but I don't want to loose her either. She's great. I'm hoping against hope that she reacts better than they did and believes me. Idk if I'm going to tell her my father assaulted me tho. I don't think I could go there. I'm not ready to just yet. As for the baby I know I need to make a decision soon about termination if I choose that route. I'm terrified. I feel more like 3 sometimes than 23.

Sorry but that is f*cked up. They are not your friends. Not gonna tell you what to do with your life, but you need new friends.

I don't think you need to say it was your father. I don't usually. Not that I tell people frequently. 

I don't know her so I coudln't guarantee how she would react but I think if you say you want to share something really difficult to tell her, I think she'll be more sympathetic. I think most people would be.

It's a really tough decision to make, and one that has to be completely your own. You need to do what's right for you. Unfortunately both options are kind of scary

Sitting with you and lots of safe hugs 

I'm sorry for what you are going through, Ghost of me.  You shouldn't have been treated that way, never ever.  Sending you caring thoughts and support.

I'm sorry you don't have the support you need right now from your friends. You deserve respect and compassion.  I'm sending safe hugs your way.

@Capuletthank you I appreciate the support. Yesterday was horrible. Today's been a little better tho. 

@Angeloniathanks for the hugs. I need them. I'm not sure if I can ever trust them again. At least it's gonna be awhile if I do. 

I like the new user name btw.

I hope you got some rest, Ghost of me, and things look a little brighter today. 

@Kmkz thanks so much. I'm trying but it's hard. Im just trying to get through each day and I keep telling myself I'm important and that I matter. It's hard to believe here lately tho. I'm glad I have AS. Theres no judgement here.

@Fairlis I did but only around 5 hours (off and on) but that's because I'm really tired I know. I do feel a little rested today tho. It would be nice to sleep without nightmares. I'd gotten to the point where I could.