Ghost of me
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Status Replies posted by Ghost of me
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Saturday's message: It's OKAY!
- to make mistakes
- to have bad days
- to be less than perfect
- to do what's best for you
- to be yourselfHoping everyone's having a good weekend.
Love to you all!
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I'm loosing time and it's freaking me out. Like literally loosing it. I'm not asleep at all. Or drunk. (I do drink but never go to that point and it's always at home.)
I'll be doing something then it's like idk I "wake up" or something and I'm doing something entirely different and I don't remember how or when I decided to do it. It's scary. I've "woke up" driving before and not remembered I've gotten in my car even. I'm scared to tell anyone not even my roommate I'm afraid people will think I'm going crazy or have me committed somewhere.
I know I'm not asleep. Idk what's happening but I wish it would stop😭
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@EmptyInsidethank you for saying that
I'm scared of whats going on with me but physically nothing is wrong with me so that's a plus. I've always lost time but it's just been like "daydreaming" and never more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time.
But within the last month and a half its getting a lot worse. I'm loosing hours at a time and it really is scary. I'll have conversations I won't remember having. I'll be somewhere else entirely and won't remember getting there either.
My roommate has brought it up too. She says I have conversations with her which I've no memory of. My roommate has noticed that I sort of "zone out" but I'm still fully functional but far away at the same time. We made a pact that when I do this she takes my keys and hide them so at least I won't be out driving to be in further danger.
When you said you do this daily makes me feel better. I know I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy.
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I'm loosing time and it's freaking me out. Like literally loosing it. I'm not asleep at all. Or drunk. (I do drink but never go to that point and it's always at home.)
I'll be doing something then it's like idk I "wake up" or something and I'm doing something entirely different and I don't remember how or when I decided to do it. It's scary. I've "woke up" driving before and not remembered I've gotten in my car even. I'm scared to tell anyone not even my roommate I'm afraid people will think I'm going crazy or have me committed somewhere.
I know I'm not asleep. Idk what's happening but I wish it would stop😭
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@Amsekhmetthank you so much for everything you said. The past few weeks have been terrible. I did get to my Dr and physically nothing is wrong so I am relieved there. I did tell her about the stalking that's been going on but I couldn't bring myself to mention anything else. I know she suspects more is going on. She gave me the number of a therapist to talk to and suggested I report it as soon as possible. If only it were that easy.
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I am going through a phase of desperately needing a lot of sleep, hypersomnia. Except I can’t let myself sleep because nightmares. I can’t shake the effects of one from last week, it absolutely broke my heart and I can’t face the risk of having another like it. I’m so tired....
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@EmptyInside I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand completely the nightmares I have them all the time too. I'm an insomniac because of it. Most nights I don't sleep at all. I'm constantly tired and want to sleep too but like you I can't. I'd love to sleep without nightmares or even dreams cuz they'll turn into nightmares. Hoping you are able to get some much needed rest soon.
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I’m getting married in less then 2 weeks!!!! I’m marrying my best friend and I can’t fricken wait.
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@Brooklyn24Congratulations! Wishing you all the best.
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Finally got up enough courage to tell my roommate what happened to me this morning. I was so tired of fighting with her when none of it was her fault.
She believed me.
She's still here. Still wants to be my roommate too. I was so scared she wouldn't be. That she'd leave or hate me. I didn't mean to but I broke down and told her everything. I only meant to tell her about what happened in February but when she started asking questions it all just came out. It feels like a big weight is gone but I don't know what to think or feel now. Im all over the place. I just hope things stay like this. I know it was a lot for her to take in too.
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@Angelonia thank you. I was so scared she'd react the way my friends did. It means a lot for her to be there for me. I don't feel like I'm alone. I know on AS I'm not alone but it's so nice to have someone support you who's face to face instead of online. I was afraid she'd think I was dirty or something.
As for my being well I'm still struggling with if I want to continue my pregnancy or not. I know I'm running out of time to make that decision. And my morning sickness is an all day thing but I guess other than that I'm doing ok. I hope you're doing well.
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Struggling with myself right now
Possibly triggering due to mentions of rape and incest
I'm so angry with myself right now and I feel like I'm the dirtiest person alive. For the past few days I've been so hostile that I've been picking fights with my roommate. She's very sweet and gentle and doesn't deserve any of it but I can't seem to stop myself. When it's over I feel like the lowest thing alive. I've tried apologizing but somehow it all winds up going terribly wrong and we end up having more words that can't be taken back. It's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to break.
I'm pregnant so I know my hormones are all out of whack anyway but I'm not sure if that's entirely what's making me be like this.
The pregnancy is the result of an assault in February by my father and his friend/partner. I did participate in my assault. I always have out of fear of what My father would do to me if I didn't. Then I feel guilty afterwards.
My roommate doesn't know about the assault or yet that I'm even pregnant. I'm still struggling with the idea of termination or having it and giving it up. My roommate doesn't know about any of the past abuses he's done either. Maybe my anger comes from this. Not talking about it. I'm not sure. I did try telling my friends who reacted badly. We still aren't speaking. I just know I don't want to feel like this anymore.
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Yes safe hugs are ok thank you.
Honestly I don't know why my friends reacted the way they did. I was accused of being an "attention w**re" and called a liar. They have no idea how hard it was to even tell them what happened. I expected at least a little bit of sympathy from the people I knew.
On AS I've gotten sympathy and understanding from complete strangers about what has happened which has helped so much. I just wish the people who knew me would've reacted the same. I TRUSTED them so much and they let me down.
I'm nervous about telling my roommate about it but I don't want to loose her either. She's great. I'm hoping against hope that she reacts better than they did and believes me. Idk if I'm going to tell her my father assaulted me tho. I don't think I could go there. I'm not ready to just yet. As for the baby I know I need to make a decision soon about termination if I choose that route. I'm terrified. I feel more like 3 sometimes than 23.
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Warning this is a rant to my friends. Or the people who used to be my friends. It's not about anyone on here. I just need to rant . Why does it have to be like this? I don't understand what I did to deserve any of this. My father I get. He's just evil. But why are you guys so mean?
I get that I haven't spoken to you guys in a week but when you ask what's wrong I can't give you answers. I tried. You didn't want them. But still you pressure me. On and on. You see I'm panicked and not doing good but you can't leave it alone. So I break and talk. And we fight. I don't want to fight. You all leave mad. So I guess we aren't speaking now.
You could at least try and act like you care. A little anyway. You say you know I haven't been sleeping. That I've been crying and I look like hell. I know I do. That I was fine and then after Tuesday I wasn't. You say you want me to open up and talk. I do and you don't listen. You don't believe me. You joke. ITS NOT A JOKE. OR A LIE. Some friends you turned out to be. I TRUSTED ALL OF YOU. My mistake. I needed you guys. You let me down. I don't know if I can ever trust you guys again.
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@Angeloniathanks for the hugs. I need them. I'm not sure if I can ever trust them again. At least it's gonna be awhile if I do.
I like the new user name btw.
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Warning this is a rant to my friends. Or the people who used to be my friends. It's not about anyone on here. I just need to rant . Why does it have to be like this? I don't understand what I did to deserve any of this. My father I get. He's just evil. But why are you guys so mean?
I get that I haven't spoken to you guys in a week but when you ask what's wrong I can't give you answers. I tried. You didn't want them. But still you pressure me. On and on. You see I'm panicked and not doing good but you can't leave it alone. So I break and talk. And we fight. I don't want to fight. You all leave mad. So I guess we aren't speaking now.
You could at least try and act like you care. A little anyway. You say you know I haven't been sleeping. That I've been crying and I look like hell. I know I do. That I was fine and then after Tuesday I wasn't. You say you want me to open up and talk. I do and you don't listen. You don't believe me. You joke. ITS NOT A JOKE. OR A LIE. Some friends you turned out to be. I TRUSTED ALL OF YOU. My mistake. I needed you guys. You let me down. I don't know if I can ever trust you guys again.
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@Capuletthank you I appreciate the support. Yesterday was horrible. Today's been a little better tho.
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God I just want to sleep
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God I just want to sleep
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I know the feeling. I'm lucky if I get 4-5 hours. Most nights I don't get any sleep. Sometimes for days. I hate the nights. They're always the worst it seems.
A girl I work with has some sleeping pills and gave me one. She says they really help her. (She was in a house fire and has bad PTSD and night terrors) She says she doesn't have dreams either with them and said it's the only way she gets any sleep.I know I shouldn't have taken one but I'm tired of nightmares. I just want a really good night's sleep.
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Been so angry all day. And mostly at myself. I get up the courage to do something and then I break down in the middle of it and then feel stupid and worthless. Gonna try and calm down and hopefully sleep but 5 hours seems to be it. But I guess it's better than nothing.
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@Fairlis I did but only around 5 hours (off and on) but that's because I'm really tired I know. I do feel a little rested today tho. It would be nice to sleep without nightmares. I'd gotten to the point where I could.
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Been so angry all day. And mostly at myself. I get up the courage to do something and then I break down in the middle of it and then feel stupid and worthless. Gonna try and calm down and hopefully sleep but 5 hours seems to be it. But I guess it's better than nothing.
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@Kmkz thanks so much. I'm trying but it's hard. Im just trying to get through each day and I keep telling myself I'm important and that I matter. It's hard to believe here lately tho. I'm glad I have AS. Theres no judgement here.
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If anyone wants to see some of my artwork message me and I will give you the link to it.
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@NumbandAwakethanks for the link. Gonna check it out now.
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If anyone wants to see some of my artwork message me and I will give you the link to it.
