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Ghost of me

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About Ghost of me

  • Birthday 07/04/1996

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    Female

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    Survivor

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  1. Struggling with myself right now

    Possibly triggering due to mentions of rape and incest

    I'm so angry with myself right now and I feel like I'm the dirtiest person alive. For the past few days I've been so hostile that I've been picking fights with my roommate. She's very sweet and gentle and doesn't deserve any of it but I can't seem to stop myself. When it's over I feel like the lowest thing alive. I've tried apologizing but somehow it all winds up going terribly wrong and we end up having more words that can't be taken back. It's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to break.

    I'm pregnant so I know my hormones are all out of whack anyway but I'm not sure if that's entirely what's making me be like this. 

    The pregnancy is the result of an assault in February by my father and his friend/partner.  I did participate in my assault. I always have out of fear of what My father would do to me if I didn't. Then I feel guilty afterwards.

    My roommate doesn't know about the assault or yet that I'm even pregnant. I'm still struggling with the idea of termination or having it and giving it up. My roommate doesn't know about any of the past abuses he's done either. Maybe my anger comes from this. Not talking about it. I'm not sure. I did try telling my friends who reacted badly. We still aren't speaking. I just know I don't want to feel like this anymore. 

    1. kmdiamond17

      kmdiamond17

      That is so difficult, you're dealing with a lot right now. That's a really big decision you're making and the consequences are really heavy.

      Why did your friends react badly? you defiinitely don't deserve that.

      Keeping things in can absolutely make you explode in other ways. It's totally understandable that you have a lot of anger. You're allowed to be angry. 

      And there's no such thing as participating in your assault. None of this was your choice. None. 

      I'm so sorry you're going through so much. It's amazing that you're doing this well to be honest, you should be proud of yourself.

      Do you think you could explain to your roomate what happened? Even just a little bit so she knows where this is coming from and not to take it to heart

      Safe hugs, if okay.

       

    2. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      Yes safe hugs are ok thank you.

      Honestly I don't know why my friends reacted the way they did. I was accused of being an "attention w**re" and called a liar. They have no idea how hard it was to even tell them what happened. I expected at least a little bit of sympathy from the people I knew.

      On AS I've gotten sympathy and understanding from complete strangers about what has happened which has helped so much. I just wish the people who knew me would've reacted the same. I TRUSTED them so much and they let me down. 

      I'm nervous about telling my roommate about it but I don't want to loose her either. She's great. I'm hoping against hope that she reacts better than they did and believes me. Idk if I'm going to tell her my father assaulted me tho. I don't think I could go there. I'm not ready to just yet. As for the baby I know I need to make a decision soon about termination if I choose that route. I'm terrified. I feel more like 3 sometimes than 23.

    3. kmdiamond17

      kmdiamond17

      Sorry but that is f*cked up. They are not your friends. Not gonna tell you what to do with your life, but you need new friends.

      I don't think you need to say it was your father. I don't usually. Not that I tell people frequently. 

      I don't know her so I coudln't guarantee how she would react but I think if you say you want to share something really difficult to tell her, I think she'll be more sympathetic. I think most people would be.

      It's a really tough decision to make, and one that has to be completely your own. You need to do what's right for you. Unfortunately both options are kind of scary

      Sitting with you and lots of safe hugs 

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