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Ghost of me

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  1. @BraveOneyou are so right about AS. It's amazing and everyone has been so helpful and understanding. Something that I didn't have in my everyday life. AS gave me the courage to tell my roommate what happened to me. To know that everyone here is going through something similar makes it easier to talk about because I know there's no judgement.
  2. I'm loosing time and it's freaking me out. Like literally loosing it. I'm not asleep at all. Or drunk. (I do drink but never go to that point and it's always at home.)

      I'll be doing something then it's like idk I "wake up" or something and I'm doing something entirely different and I don't remember how or when I decided to do it. It's scary. I've "woke up" driving before and not remembered I've gotten in my car even. I'm scared to tell anyone not even my roommate I'm afraid people will think I'm going crazy or have me committed somewhere. 

    I know I'm not asleep. Idk what's happening but I wish it would stop😭

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. EmptyInside


      The above information is pretty awesome and very sound advice! I completely agree with the idea of seeking advice as soon as possible from a professional.

      That said, I experience what you describe on a daily basis and have done for so long (more severe recently) that I’ve honestly lost all sense of time and the day, date, month, year etc are all a mystery to me! Trying to function “normally” or even just function at all is incredibly difficult but on the plus side, I know what it is that I am tackling and slowly but surely with encouragement and the right information from my therapist, I am learning to spot tell tale warning signs that it’s going to happen and if I wake up on a day and feel those warning signs.. I cancel any plans for the day and I move my car keys to a second safe location that isn’t somewhere I would automatically look for them... I’m no longer in the habit if driving whilst in a horrible state because that would be irresponsible. 

      What I experience is dissociation, dissociation occurs on a spectrum from mild ‘day dreaming’ all the way up to severe ‘DID’ and it’s possible to fall anywhere in between. C-PTSD carries a strong element of dissociation as well and that’s what causes my dissociation that so closely matches your description, I also have a partial diagnosis of a Dissociative Disorder (Not Yet Specified) but if/when I see a specialist that will become a diagnosis of DID which carries slightly different dissociative symptoms and they are all based around the fact that I have numerous insiders (alters).

      I would certainly recommend searching this forum for topics with dissociation in the title, you’ll find so so many posts from people having similar experiences because it’s actually a fairly common condition amongst trauma survivors because it is a survival technique and it can become ingrained in our everyday lives that means it can be triggered by many different things, anything that that triggers us or makes us feel threatened or even uncomfortable or unsafe can instantly cause us to detach from the situation and dissociate.

      Obviously I can’t give you a diagnosis but in my mind, dissociation is just what it is because you almost exactly described my life! The right therapist can really help with dissociation a lot and should be able to teach you lots of relevant grounding techniques to help control the dissociation.

    3. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      @Amsekhmetthank you so much for everything you said. The past few weeks have been terrible. I did get to my Dr and physically nothing is wrong so I am relieved there. I did tell her about the stalking that's been going on but I couldn't bring myself to mention anything else. I know she suspects more is going on. She gave me the number of a therapist to talk to and suggested I report it as soon as possible. If only it were that easy. 


    4. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      @EmptyInsidethank you for saying that:throb:  I'm scared of whats going on with me but physically nothing is wrong with me so that's a plus. I've always lost time but it's just been like "daydreaming" and never more than 10 or 15 minutes at a time.

      But within the last month and a half its getting a lot worse. I'm loosing hours at a time and it really is scary. I'll have conversations I won't remember having. I'll be somewhere else entirely and won't remember getting there either. 

      My roommate has brought it up too. She says I have conversations with her which I've no memory of. My roommate has noticed that I sort of "zone out" but I'm still fully functional but far away at the same time. We made a pact that when I do this she takes my keys and hide them so at least I won't be out driving to be in further danger.

      When you said you do this daily makes me feel better. I know I'm not alone and that I'm not crazy. 

  3. Finally got up enough courage to tell my roommate what happened to me this morning. I was so tired of fighting with her when none of it was her fault. 

    She believed me.

    She's still here. Still wants to be my roommate too. I was so scared she wouldn't be. That she'd leave or hate me. I didn't mean to but I broke down and told her everything. I only meant to tell her about what happened in February but when she started asking questions it all just came out. It feels like a big weight is gone but I don't know what to think or feel now. Im all over the place. I just hope things stay like this. I know it was a lot for her to take in too.

    1. Angelonia


      I'm so glad to know that you were able to talk with your roommate @Ghost of me.  You deserve to have an  understanding and respectful friend.  I hope you are feeling well.  :throb:       


    2. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      @Angelonia thank you. I was so scared she'd react the way my friends did. It means a lot for her to be there for me. I don't feel like I'm alone. I know on AS I'm not alone but it's so nice to have someone support you who's face to face instead of online. I was afraid she'd think I was dirty or something. 

      As for my being well I'm still struggling with if I want to continue my pregnancy or not. I know I'm running out of time to make that decision. And my morning sickness is an all day thing but I guess other than that I'm doing ok. I hope you're doing well.

    3. Angelonia


      I think it's great that you have your roommate to talk with now.  As you say, I'm sure it was a lot for your roommate to take in.  As fellow survivors your online friends here at AS will be available to listen as much as you need to talk.  

      I'm sorry you are experiencing morning sickness all day.  I wish I had helpful advice, just hugs and support. :flowers:

      I am doing fine, thanks @Ghost of me.


  4. Does anyone else ever feel like they don't know how to act not just in certain situations but in general? 

    I wish there was an Emotional Handbook that I could just buy so that I'd know the "proper" response to a situation or an event.  I never know how to respond in most situations and I don't really relate well to others either. It's frustrating.

    1. RisingLotus615


      I feel like this al the time. 

  5. Wow. This is deep and I understand it completely. This is my childhood exactly.
  6. Struggling with myself right now

    Possibly triggering due to mentions of rape and incest

    I'm so angry with myself right now and I feel like I'm the dirtiest person alive. For the past few days I've been so hostile that I've been picking fights with my roommate. She's very sweet and gentle and doesn't deserve any of it but I can't seem to stop myself. When it's over I feel like the lowest thing alive. I've tried apologizing but somehow it all winds up going terribly wrong and we end up having more words that can't be taken back. It's a vicious cycle that I don't know how to break.

    I'm pregnant so I know my hormones are all out of whack anyway but I'm not sure if that's entirely what's making me be like this. 

    The pregnancy is the result of an assault in February by my father and his friend/partner.  I did participate in my assault. I always have out of fear of what My father would do to me if I didn't. Then I feel guilty afterwards.

    My roommate doesn't know about the assault or yet that I'm even pregnant. I'm still struggling with the idea of termination or having it and giving it up. My roommate doesn't know about any of the past abuses he's done either. Maybe my anger comes from this. Not talking about it. I'm not sure. I did try telling my friends who reacted badly. We still aren't speaking. I just know I don't want to feel like this anymore. 

    1. kmdiamond17


      That is so difficult, you're dealing with a lot right now. That's a really big decision you're making and the consequences are really heavy.

      Why did your friends react badly? you defiinitely don't deserve that.

      Keeping things in can absolutely make you explode in other ways. It's totally understandable that you have a lot of anger. You're allowed to be angry. 

      And there's no such thing as participating in your assault. None of this was your choice. None. 

      I'm so sorry you're going through so much. It's amazing that you're doing this well to be honest, you should be proud of yourself.

      Do you think you could explain to your roomate what happened? Even just a little bit so she knows where this is coming from and not to take it to heart

      Safe hugs, if okay.


    2. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      Yes safe hugs are ok thank you.

      Honestly I don't know why my friends reacted the way they did. I was accused of being an "attention w**re" and called a liar. They have no idea how hard it was to even tell them what happened. I expected at least a little bit of sympathy from the people I knew.

      On AS I've gotten sympathy and understanding from complete strangers about what has happened which has helped so much. I just wish the people who knew me would've reacted the same. I TRUSTED them so much and they let me down. 

      I'm nervous about telling my roommate about it but I don't want to loose her either. She's great. I'm hoping against hope that she reacts better than they did and believes me. Idk if I'm going to tell her my father assaulted me tho. I don't think I could go there. I'm not ready to just yet. As for the baby I know I need to make a decision soon about termination if I choose that route. I'm terrified. I feel more like 3 sometimes than 23.

    3. kmdiamond17


      Sorry but that is f*cked up. They are not your friends. Not gonna tell you what to do with your life, but you need new friends.

      I don't think you need to say it was your father. I don't usually. Not that I tell people frequently. 

      I don't know her so I coudln't guarantee how she would react but I think if you say you want to share something really difficult to tell her, I think she'll be more sympathetic. I think most people would be.

      It's a really tough decision to make, and one that has to be completely your own. You need to do what's right for you. Unfortunately both options are kind of scary

      Sitting with you and lots of safe hugs 

  7. I've been on autopilot for weeks now. I feel like I can't function normally anymore and the days are a struggle. The nights are worse. I wonder if it will ever get back to being "normal" again. The last assault did something to me and I'm honestly not sure if I can ever go back to being the me I was before and it scares me. I don't know.  It shouldn't be any different tho it's been going on all my life but it is. Maybe because another person was involved in it this time and I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't know but I just want to stop feeling this way.

    1. Angelonia


      I'm sorry for what you are going through, Ghost of me.  You shouldn't have been treated that way, never ever.  Sending you caring thoughts and support.

  8. :!:Warning this is a rant to my friends. Or the people who used to be my friends. It's not about anyone on here. I just need to rant . Why does it have to be like this? I don't understand what I did to deserve any of this. My father I get. He's just evil. But why are you guys so mean?

    I get that I haven't spoken to you guys in a week but when you ask what's wrong I can't give you answers. I tried. You didn't want them. But still you pressure me. On and on. You see I'm panicked and not doing good but you can't leave it alone. So I break and talk. And we fight. I don't want to fight. You all leave mad.  So I guess we aren't speaking now.

    You could at least try and act like you care. A little anyway. You say you know I haven't been sleeping. That I've been crying and I look like hell. I know I do.  That I was fine and then after Tuesday I wasn't. You say you want me to open up and talk. I do and you don't listen. You don't believe me. You joke. ITS NOT A JOKE. OR A LIE. Some friends you turned out to be. I TRUSTED ALL OF YOU. My mistake. I needed you guys. You let me down. I don't know if I can ever trust you guys again. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Angelonia


      I'm sorry you don't have the support you need right now from your friends. You deserve respect and compassion.  I'm sending safe hugs your way. :hug:



    3. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      @Capuletthank you I appreciate the support. Yesterday was horrible. Today's been a little better tho. 

    4. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      @Angeloniathanks for the hugs. I need them. I'm not sure if I can ever trust them again. At least it's gonna be awhile if I do. 

      I like the new user name btw.

  9. Such beautiful eyes Steiny's gotten bigger it looks like. I'm glad his check up went well. Sending him hugs and kisses. He's adorable.
  10. Been so angry all day. And mostly at myself. I get up the courage to do something and then I break down in the middle of it and then feel stupid and worthless. Gonna try and calm down and hopefully sleep but 5 hours seems to be it. But I guess it's better than nothing.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Angelonia


      I hope you got some rest, Ghost of me, and things look a little brighter today. 

    3. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      @Kmkz thanks so much. I'm trying but it's hard. Im just trying to get through each day and I keep telling myself I'm important and that I matter. It's hard to believe here lately tho. I'm glad I have AS. Theres no judgement here.

    4. Ghost of me

      Ghost of me

      @Fairlis I did but only around 5 hours (off and on) but that's because I'm really tired I know. I do feel a little rested today tho. It would be nice to sleep without nightmares. I'd gotten to the point where I could. 

  11. @WanderingandLostWell I read quite a few posts before I actually found the courage to comment anything about what happened to me. I know how alone you feel. My family knows what my father did to me but basically ignore it because they don't believe me. I knew not to tell about my teacher assaulting me because I wasn't believed before so why would I be now? Only I found AS and I got brave enough to actually write what happened. Just a few sentences but still. It helped so much. There's no judgement I've encountered here only support, understanding and encouragement. Perhaps wri
  12. @WanderingandLost Welcome 😊 i'm still new here too but I'm so glad I found AS. I'm sorry for the circumstances that led to you needing to be here but we're all here for you. This is such a good community for help and support and just someone to say "you're ok" "you're not alone".
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