Gordy

I was having a great day today. This morning I had to set a piece of equipment in the high winds we had today. It turned into a scene from the old Keystone Cops silent films. I starting laughing so hard I can't talk to direct the guy driving the crane. Almost fell off the ladder. I solved a difficult problem on a different site. Every one was impressed. My boss called me to tell me that a project that I have been arguing was a massive time and labor sink got canceled. Then on the drive home I got to thinking about my mom. While it turns out that she doesn't have a brain tumor sh

I found my stepfather grave on find a grave.com. They ask what do you remember of the person. I am fighting the urge to tell what I remember. Him physically and sexually abusing me from 3 to 11. All that would do is start a shit storm. I can't prove it, all it would do is piss of any member of his family who see it and they would go the attack to defend him. And attack me. It would just cause problems for my brother who is still close to his family. I am not,I want nothing to do with them.And my brother would probably side with them. Never do anything irrevocable when angry.

Of all the things I thought I would find out on my little journey of discovery finding out that it appears my mom cheated on my dad was not one of them . I can't think of any other way to interpret the data , Marrying E two months after the divorce from my father leads me to believe that they had a relationship she while was married to my father. All that pain and misery because she couldn't keep her knees together . Her always judging my wife because my wife is openly sexual . Her judging us because we did open displays of affection , hugging, kissing , and holding hands

I got the marriage license for M and E. They were married Sept 1967. She divorced my father June 1967. I reading that as she was having a affair with E when she was married to my dad. For 67 that would have been a fast courtship. My dad was US Navy and E was a lab tech so I thinking Dad was deployed and E worked at the same hospital M worked at. So a broom closet romance. I wonder how long it took her to regret that decision? The first time E punched her or the first time he molested one of us kids.? So I was 3.5 years old when it started. And it lasted a little less then

I have working on trying to remember my childhood for several months now. And I have barely scratched the surface. I can do all fairly accurate floor plan of the house we lived in on the first farm, I have a rough idea of the layout of the buildings on the second farm and a vague idea what they look like . All I could remember of the last farm is just a barn,the cattle pasture, and the creek running through it . On the last farm I have some memories of things happening, just childhood memories nothing traumatic, but I can't picture the room they happen in. I have the memory

She told me she doesn't now and has never had concerns that I was a threat to the childern. That that thought has never crossed her mind. And never will. She was very reassuring about my concerns. I just needed to know.

My wife and I had a long talk last night about the CSA. I texted her this morning asking if she still trusts me around our mentally handicapped daughter. Waiting to hear back. It's going to be a long day.

So I ordered the records from the school district that I went to school in from the time I was 14 To 18. Took a half hour to fill out the forms, and cost me 25 bucks. All I got was my transcript from Seventh grade. Nothing about the school psychologist they made me see, Nothing about all the IQ And cognitive skills testing they gave me, nothing about the other 3years I was there, just a copy Of my report card from seventh grade. I have to go to a different site To get a copy of my GED. Have to go to a different site To get the information From the what little college I took and all the te

When I was reading yesterday the Pagan college I want to attend contacted me and we discussed their courses. I do need a BA to take their Master of Divinity course however they have a 15 month course that will get me set up to do counseling. I also contacted a legitimate online school to see about getting a BA . I just need to find records from the pre computer days. you know back when monks transcribed everything by candlelight LOL . I had a bunch of testing done , both in junior high and from the limited college I took for the dyslexia , hopefully those records still exis

I heard back from the online college I want to take, they want to schedule a phone interview to discuss how bad my dyslexia is. I spent all day yesterday with this is big knot in my stomach and depressed waiting to hear back from them. Because I just knew they weren't going to want anything to do with me. The little voice in the back of my head is kind of an asshole. And current project I'm working on right now doesn't keep me busy enough not to think about all this. Remembering that I played t- ball unlocked a couple more memories from that time frame. I remember seeing E in uniform

So my wife saved me a episode of Law & Order SUV. In it one of the older main characters had to come forward to confront a baseball coach that had molested him when he was child. And halfway through the episode I remembered I played t-ball. It was when we lived at the first house. I'd completely forgotten about it. I don't remember if E was a coach or just one of the overly enthusiastic parents but he was involved in it. I remember one day at school going out to play t-ball and someone hollering my name and me turning around and taking a hard ball to the face. It was an accident from

I beginning to get a few more flashes of my childhood, I keep drawing up this picture of a barn on a Hill. I think it's from the last farm. I vaguely remember the layout of the second farm we lived on this isn't from there. Its the only mental image I have of a building from there. I can't for the life of me picture the house, I know I had my own room, I can kinda picture the dresser that was in the room. But I really can't picture the room , It had a lot of books in it . I remember looking out the window Watching E and M unloading Christmas presents the back of his car. Her coming up telling

It's not as bad now due to all the autism awareness. But back then it was just a freaking nightmare. We would be stopped by random people who would ask us that. One of the first people we took her into implied that we were brother and sister. And we definitely didn't fit the positive assumptions,while we are white, we were poor,she is bipolar manic depressive, while I can do the scientific Tech talk I lack social skills, we are non-christians and both of us have problems with authority. But that was the cause celeb back in the day.

My daughter was born in 1990, She has a genetic disorder that causes profound mental handicaps , behavioral problems ,sleep disorders and she's nonverbal . IIRC they include her disorder in the autism spectrum now. But back then everybody just knew that all mentally handicapped children, except for down syndrome, were crack babies. We were asked constantly " So what drugs did your wife do when she was pregnant ?". We are asked that by teachers, law-enforcement ,random strangers and what really pisses me off by people who should know better, medical professionals. She don't d

I have believed that God was female since I was about 8. I have a memory of J reading us from the bible in her room. Yes the same room she molested me in. I remember saying " This is all bullshit" and leaving. I don't think they included me in bible study again. I remember going to Sunday school or it's Equivalent. I don't think I went very many times , because I was disruptive . I think we were some from of protestant . Both my Mother and sister converted to Catholicism later in life . Even though if I remember correctly my grandfather hated Catholics . I probably rejected Christia

So I spent several hours last night digging around looking for online classes for counseling. Some Of them I found you can't take unless you already have a master's degree, which I do not have. Some of them will start you at the beginning but you have to get all the way to a Masters or a PhD. When I fell off that slide in first or second grade and damaged the language centers of my brain that's severely limited my options for higher education. In my early twenties I started going to college and had to drop out because I simply could not meet the English or math requirements

I am starting to do the research on online schooling for counseling . Like I said before I am a master journeyman in my trade, I'm a fairly decent carpenter , electrician, plumber, and there are very few machines I can not fix. I have a good over view of world history, a excellent knowledge of WW2 and a decent understanding of art and philosophy . I have made, what I been told, are beautiful pieces of art from stone and metal. I don't think so but then I'm not very objective of what I do . I designed and built my wife a tiny house that she loves. I have read hund

It is doubtful that I am ready to do this, but I'm going to begin looking into taking classes online to become a a counselor. I feel that if I wait until I recover all the memories of what happened to me as a child it'll never get done. I'm not 100% sure if I'll ever recover all the memories I also believe that taking the courses will help me. On a side note, my wife's getting a mommy weekend. Which means she gets a weekend off from our child and gets to go have some fun. And she promises me she will either get the ringer on her phone fixed or get a new phone this weekend. Becau

I sent away for the marriage certificate, I gave the County clerk a 4 years range since I have no idea when the marriage started. Hopefully I hear back in the next couple of weeks. I called about the transcript of the divorce, it doesn't exist. The court recorder back then would have been a private party hired for the trial and there no way to find out who. Now a few memories I pulled out of the debris field. These all take place after the divorce but before we moved to the southwest. I remember having my own room. I was sitting in there craving on a piece of styrofoam with a st

Thank you . There's a quote that I like from a movie titled "the Tank"it's about a Russian tank lost in Afghanistan during the USSR Afghanistan invasion. I've been told it's morbid but I like it. " when out of fuel become a pillbox, went out of ammunition become a bunker, and when out of time become a martyr." Lol When in doubt bunker in.

On one of the Farms we lived on, I believe it was the second, but I'm not a hundred percent sure. We had a crabapple tree. None of us like crab apples, I don't think we ever did anything with the crab apples. But he insisted on buying a ladder tall enough so that we could pick the apples. It was a 12 or 16 foot a frame. I remember me and my brother out there picking these crab apples. He kept trying to talk me into jumping off the top of the ladder and breaking an arm, because if both of us couldn't do it then neither one of us had to do it. Notice wasn't him volunteering to jump off

And now I got the poor little bastard trying to pry open doors we welded shut decades ago. I don't think he likes me much.

I don't know if I'd call it aggression lol, just I'm forceful about letting them know I don't like being touched. I've only had to actually resort to violence to Define boundaries twice, that I can recall right now on top of my head. Once I already mentioned about the Hell's Angel I stabbed in the foot. And once I had to pull a firearm to stop a rape. This gym rat decided at a party I was attending that he was going to have sex with that girl whether she wanted to or not. And everybody else at the rest of the party both male and female,were kind of ignoring it. She was sitting there by th

I really don't like being touched by surprise. Particularly by men, if I see it coming it doesn't tense me up as much. last year I was working on a job and I was on an 8-foot ladder, and this one guy every time he'd walk by me he would touch my calf. Now I was really being real good about it, it would tense me up but I didn't say anything. Well then one time he walked by and started squeezing and caressing my calf. And I went off. I climbed up his ass, asked him if we were dating, told him only two people in the world were allowed to touch me one is a woman that changed my diapers and on

Our first farm wasn't very big it was only about 8 acres . there was a creek running through it and a couple acres of trees , for child as young as I was seem like a forest . This is where I have the clearest memories of the "Games". I remember being in my sisters room , all three of us naked on her bed . We wouldn't have been very old , I believe I was in fourth grade , she was 2.5 years older.. I have a vivid memory of her laying on her back with her legs spread and us using our hands to rub each other . And rubbing up against each other. This is when she said the thing about u