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Everything posted by Gordy

  1. Gordy

    More Random

    so I have been going to the therapist for 4 weeks now, we talked yesterday about working on recovering my lost memories. She thinks that I do have CPTSD but she said that there something else going on beside that. She didn't elaborate on that but I have to work on self care first though. Apparently treating myself as little more then an animal is not heathy. I will admit it a little disconcerting to have both my wife and my therapist saying that it surprising I am not a serial killer. That bothers me a little. APS in my home state isn't going to do anything about my brother emotionally abusing my mother. They promised multiple time over the past month to go to the home and speak with her about it. They have yet to do so. No wonder the receptionist laughed when I told her I was calling APS about the landline. She knew APS there is a joke. I cant even get a call back from the caseworker. And people wonder why I dont trust the Government. I starting the classes for counseling , between the dyslexia and the childhood abuse about it I having a hard time with the essays. I feel they have to be prefect and I struggle with that. I going to try to apply something I decided about work and hobbies along time agoto it. Some Times good enough is. I am just aiming for competence not perfection. " Perfect is the enemy of good" Voltare
  2. Gordy

    2nd session

    Thank you.
  3. Gordy

    2nd session

    So I went to my second therapy session , I plan on doing this once a week for at least a year . we started talking about some to childhood memories and she had me walk her through a couple of them that I told her before about . and she asked me what emotions I felt when I recalled these memories . None . I went though the memory of me walking in the kitchen with that gun to shoot my stepfather . And she asked me "what emotions did you feel when you did that" . There's absolutely no emotion attached that memory . She asked me how do you think you felt , I said imagine fear and anger . It seems weird to me that I can call up what few memories I have of my childhood and there's absolutely no emotions attached . I guess it's something we're gonna have to work on . And as for the situation with my mother , the land line is tied in. the nursing home let me talk to her on the 16th . My brother is still refusing to return the phone . As far as I know he hasn't given her her cell phone back . I'm going to call her tomorrow and see what's going on. He visits her on Saturday so I'm not going to call while he's there. She told me that he's emotionally abusive when he's there , that he's a control freak and everything has to be done his way . She's telling me she doesn't even argue with him anymore she just does what she's told . And every time she talks about a memory he calls her a liar . When me and him were still talking I mentioned that she told me about memories that I remember . And he was trying to convince me she was just lying about stuff and that I don't really remember it . I was supposed to hear from APS yesterday but I didn't . I'm going to call them Monday afternoon if I don't hear anything to see what's going on . I believe they opened up a formal investigation . My wife reported the phone stolen to the police department of the small town he lives in . They're not sure if they can do anything about it .
  4. Gordy


    Well, I went to my first therapy session. I think it went well. I going to go once a week for awhile. There was a lot to cover in a short period of time so I think I kind of confused her. Lol. Based on some of the things I told her she seems to think my stepfather was a Pedophile. Which I also believe. Just having these sessions seems to help. This thing with my mom has me stressed out. We still don't know if they turned the landline on and my brother took the phone I sent my mom. Or the nursing home give it to him. He texted me from my mom's cell phone. He "found" it. He wants to block certain numbers from calling her, so I am assuming ,as much as he hates my sister ,he means her. He wants to control her she can talk too. I am probably on the block list once he thinks he can get away with it. Still haven't heard back from the APS. I going to call them again on Monday after I hear about the phone work order. Even though it doesn't seem like they can't do anything about it. My wife and son think that me asking about our childhood made him remember. And he doesn't want to remember the part he played in my sexual abuse. And by pushing back against him trying to control mom I am making him lose control of his world.
  5. Gordy


    the other night me and my wife were talking about me getting therapy. And I asked her How are you gonna deal with me when I'm sane. Is she responded with" You're probably going to divorce me". No, that's not gonna happen. If leaving her and my kids is the only way the therapist thinks I can heal then I will stay crazy. That's not an option. She and the kids saved my life. There was literally no way the person that married her would of survived this long. Without her and my children to love me for me I would be dead, in jail or living in a ditch. and yes I told her that. My birth family would of just used me up and cast me aside. Speaking of which, the nursing home , after 3 days of trying finally let me talk to my mother. Her behavior on the phone was odd. She seem agitated and distracted. Her speech patterns were unusual. I ask if she plugged her phone in as the phone guy was there the day before. My brother refuses to bring her her phone out of storage at his house. We got the report on the work order on the phone from the phone company, the nursing home refused him access to the telcom room. He going to try agian tomorrow . I called APS yesterday about it. Still haven't gotten a return call. Elder abuse is just as epidemic of child abuse. Isolating The elder from Family Is considered elder Abuse. They encourage people To report Elder and child Abuse. I have done so to the proper Authority . It would be nice If I knew they were doing something about it.i will try agian tomorrow. the phone we bought her should be there tomorrow as well. snice I blocked my brother on social media and his phone # I know he is angry at me. his has angry issues and is a drunk, that`s a dangerous combination. I know that used to be me.
  6. Gordy

    therapy hopefully

    I have a new therapy appointment on Friday. I hope.
  7. Gordy

    Appt canceled

    I got a call yesterday that the therapist I scheduled my appt with is not part of my insurance. The office was training a new person and they made a mistake. Since they are out of net work it's $4000 deductible then 50% per appointment. I can't afford that. So looking again. Having that appointment was really helping me to hold it together this week. Was quite the let down.
  8. Gordy

    still holding it together.

    The nursing home finally got the idea that I am allowed to talk to my mother. Just took another phone from APS. I told her I was looking into getting her a phone. Since my brother won't give hers back. She was all excited. Just can't get the phone company to understand just a landline. No internet, no cable just a phone. Lol We don't want her just sitting in her room. She needs to be socializing with other members of the facility. Later on I got an abusive drunken text rant from him. Attacking me and just about every other member of my extended family. Had to block his # and FB account. I feel sorry for his wife and son. He has turned into our stepfather. My wife appears to not be all that concerned about a fake APS complaint about us. But I'm still freaking out. Friday still a long way off.
  9. Gordy


    I have my very first therapy appt Friday. Their still stonewalling me on talking to my mom. So between that, worrying my brother going to file a fake APS report against us. Being removed from the messenger group for update about mom. Trying too not stress my wife out about calling APS on my brother. The memories, thoughts and suspicions of what was done to me as a child that keep floating up. The depression and anxiety of everything that going on I am beginning to doubt I can hold everything together till Friday. There a limit to even how much I can take. And based on how far I fell Sunday I am way past that limit.
  10. Gordy

    still be stonewalled

    I called the nursing home four time now. Each time there is a different reason my mom can't come to the phone. She playing bingo. No one available to get her, shift change, and tonite no one to get her. I left my name and # each time no called back. Tomorrow we going to look into getting a land line into her room. And I calling the manger to inform them I will be calling APS agian if I do not here from her by end of day tomorrow. Next is filing a complaint with the board that oversees their license. They damn near killed her by over medicating her. Then maybe the DA to see what happen to her money.
  11. Gordy

    Got a call

    I got a call from my mother. She called on my sister in laws phone. We talk for about 10 minutes. She seem clear and lucid for some one in their late 70s. they were giving her an almost lethal dose of diuretic which explains why she was having all the hallucinations and memory problems . I've asked her to give me written permission to be on the Hippa list to check on the medication and treatment they are giving her . She says she will do that . . also asked her to put me on the list of emergency contact numbers . the nursing home she is in has some of the poorest ratings of the state she is in . So yes I will be keeping an eye on them . I will be calling the manager on Monday about the landline , and if necessary I will buy and send her a cell phone. When my brother and I are having our little argument about mom's current treatment he brought up he's been taking care of her for eight years where was I. well he could've contacted me at any time during that , I've been on Facebook since there was a Facebook . I feel he waited until my sister and himself stole all her money before he wanted me involved in it . this all revolves around me trusting my brother , and I don't . I cut myself off from that family for 17 years because the situation amongst all of us was very toxic . And I simply didn't want my wife and children involved in that . But now her mom's time is ending I want to be involved in her life , I will let her know , if I am ever allowed speak to her again,that I forgiven her for all that happen when we were kids . And I really don't care if I speak to my brother and sister again. maybe on their or mine deathbed we can talk, but until then I just don't want to hear anything from them
  12. Gordy


    APS called , they visited the nursing home and there doesn't appear to be any signs of abuse or neglect. They say that the overmedication problem has been solved and will not happen again . My brother is not my mother's guardian , and even if he was he is not legally allowed to keep me from talking to her . the nursing home said that they will be installing a landline into my mothers room so that she can call me or I can call her whenever we wish . I called to speak with her this afternoon , the receptionist was a little pissy with me but went to check to see if my mother was available to speak to me . She said my mother was playing bingo , I told her I was happy that my mother was socializing not to disturb her here's my number have her call me when she gets a chance. I'm going to wait till mid morning tomorrow to call back to speak with her again . If for some reason I am unable to speak to her , I will remind the nursing home that they are legally obligated to allow me to speak with her . Leave my number again and ask for them to make sure she calls me . Monday I will call the facility try to speak to the manager to find out how long it will take to get the landline installed. If I get the vibe that they're stonewalling me by Monday I will send APS back over . I've been told that one of my personality traits , when I think I'm in the right , as I am relentless . APS told my mother that I'm the one that sent them and they said she was very pleased that I was concerned enough to send them in. now we just wait to see what my brother does in retaliation. I doubt if we'll ever speak again , I don't consider that a great loss . Sadly elder abuse is as epidemic as child abuse, and while she wasn't there for me to stop what happen to me if it all possible I'm going to be there to stop it from happening to her .
  13. Gordy

    Going to be a long day

    I called the state ofice of APS just before close of business yesterday. They called the local office. They only got the receptionist but they were told someone would call me. About a half hour later some called. Was dismissive of my concerns but say they go to the nursing home when they got a chance. About 10 minutes later the caseworker called. She seem to take my concerns more seriously and told me she would go by today. It almost 11 there still haven't heard any thing. I giving them till 4 their time and calling them back. At this time I believe they going to do what they told me they would do but I have trust issue with social services. They were weaponized against us when my daughter was younger. I doubt my brother going to take this laying down. I fully expect him to call APS on us and file a fake report alleging the worst things he can think of. It probably going to be bad. My stress levels are though the roof. So it going to be a long day while I wait to hear something.
  14. Gordy

    48 hours

    I called in an Elder Abuse complaint to the county my brother and mother live in. I am concerned that based on some of the things she told me when I was allowed to talk to her and the fact that I am not allowed to call the nursing home now and my brother is controlling who she's allowed to speak to and when that she is being abused and neglected. State law requires them to respond to the complainant within 24 hours, it's been 48 still haven't heard from them. I called this morning to see what was going on and was told the person assigned to the case was in a meeting and she'll get to me when she gets to me. I can't help to feel that I'm being stonewalled. My brother's been in that Community for 30 some odd years probably knows everybody out there. Hell the people I called to complain about him probably went to high school with him. He told me that most of the people that work at the nursing home moms in went to high school with his wife. I may never be allowed to speak to her again, and as vindictive is my brother is she will probably died thinking I hate her. and no I don't trust these institutions. I was a kid the people and institutions that were supposed to protect me didn't. Everybody knew about the physical abuse, relatives teachers doctors. They all turned a blind eye to it because my stepfather was a nice guy that everybody liked. They don't want to cause trouble for him. nobody spoke up because no one wanted to rock the boat. And my brother sister mother and myself paid the price for that. If I don't hear from the county APS by the end of business today, I'm going to call at state level. And if I don't hear anything from them within one business day I'm going to call at the federal level. I firmly believe that once my brother here's about me making these complaints he will call APS in my state and file a complaint in retaliation. Since I've already started the ball rolling I have to take this as far as I can possibly take it. and if I need to get federal DOJ Attorneys involved then that's what I'm going to do. Wouldn't be the first time
  15. Gordy

    No win scenario

    my wife and I talked about what I did earlier ,filing an elder abuse compliant against the nursing home .she says I based on the information I have I did the right thing. that any who loved their mother would do the same. I feel that by not allowing me access to her records and not allowing me to speak to her with out my brother listening make it appear they are hiding something. my brother went on a text rant about it. saying I upset the staff, trying to guilt me for not being there the past years. angry that I dared to question him. telling me to come get her he will pack her shit .calling me crazy . Basic emotional manipulation Tactics. he turned what was a reseasonable request that well within my rights as her son in to a major control issue. he has to have all the control. I just wanted a better understanding of her medical condition. my wife thinks that me talking to him about our childhood made him think of things he doesn't want too and that explains the rage. years ago my mother had a bunch of money set aside for retirement. My brother says my sister stole it. but I now wondering how much he got. he says she lost the house to the bank. did she? or did he put her in a home so he could sell it? his wife takes a lot of trips to Hawaii. would not be the first time a child did this to a parent. APS there Thursday or Friday. that going to start a shitstrom. Now wife saying we have to get ready for retaliation. That we could lose our daughter over this. I just feel so hopelesss over this, I feel I had no choice But the file the complaint But now I feel like I've just destroyed our whole lives. do the right thing lose everything. I really hate no win scenarios.
  16. Gordy

    called it in

    Called APS. My wife wouldn't say yes or no. I hate no win scenarios. Now we wait to see if there is backlash.
  17. Gordy

    sorry mom

    I been calling the nursing home my mom in trying to get on the HIPPA list of people who are allow to know about her care. They refuse to call me back. They called my brother. He and I texted back and forth about it. According to him I am not allowed call the nursing home. He will tell me what he thinks I need to know. His way or the highway. So I out of the family agian. I could So hear my stepfather in that. E always said it's the the right way the wrong way and his way. I don't even think , if I write a letter they will give it to her. Most of the staff went to hi school with my sister in law. I am leaving it up to my wife if I file a complaint with the board that oversees nursing homes in that state. She's concerned that my brother would retaliate by filing a complaint against us because of her mentally handicapped child. and as pissed off as I am I'm not going to get my wife in a war she's not prepared to fight. so sorry Mom there maybe nothing I can do to protect you now. I also called my insurance company about therapy. The only two people I trust in the world, my wife and son, think that it can't be weaponized against us.
  18. Gordy


    Tw. Self defense And if legal in your area procure a means of self defense. There are lethal and non lethal options
  19. Gordy


    Get a order of protection, or what ever they call it in your area. Call your phone co. I think it *69 to keep track of harassing phone calls. And you should be able to block his number.
  20. Gordy

    It official

    I can no longer treat this as an intellectual exercise. The headache is almost debilitating, I am nauseous, I constantly on the verge of tears. I have a mix of anxiety and depression. My entire body aches. I have mental confusion, my concentration is shit and I have no energy. And tomorrow morning I have to go to work and run a 6 man crew.
  21. I just got off the phone with the nursing home that my brother has my mother in. I'm taking steps necessary for me to become more deeply involved in her medical treatment . He's lying to me , he's lying to her . Both of us raised by E . I don't trust anyone was raised by that man. And yes that includes me. .This will probably start a fight between me and him . This will not be the first war I fought and it probably won't be the last. While I only have remnants of love for my mother , no one should be dropped down a hole to die just because they're inconvenient . I know what that feels like .
  22. Gordy

    Phone call

    Well I talk to my mother this morning . We talked for about 20 minutes . She seemed clear and lucid , she described to me the medication that they were giving to her that caused the hallucinations and confusion . She was able to tell me the dosage of the medication that they were giving her and the correct dosage she was supposed to be taking . I asked her a question about our genealogy , and she was able to give me answers that coincide with what I already know about our ancestry . I mentioned an ancestor on my father side who fought in the Civil War , told her what happened to him and she knew what historical event I was referencing . My brother called me about 20 minutes later . I told him that she seemed clear and lucid . And that her memory seems to be fine . He told me that she has dementia and that everything she tells me is just a delusion . Except for what she told me are things that I know to be true . He is lying . He's telling her she lost her phone , that until they find it she has to use his. he confiscated it , so she couldn't stay in contact with family members . If she truly has dementia that is a cruel thing to do. And if she doesn't that makes me think he's trying to gaslight her . To make her think she cannot trust her memories , which is also a cruel thing to do . when me and him spoke about a month ago about me trying to recover memories from my childhood. I mentioned that we always believed E molested my sister and that she pass it on to us and about me walking into the kitchen with that gun . He said he didn't remember any of that . but we have discussed it before . He called me one night drunk and depressed , talking about how we survived all that . And both of those incidents came up in the conversation . But now he doesn't know what I'm talking about . and we discussed it before I cut off contact with them. he doesn't want me to remember , because he doesn't want me to remember what part he played in the sexual and physical abuse . He wants to be the loving big brother like they show on TV and in the movies . But he never was , both him and my sister pushed me in front to take the brunt of E violence . And I believe E perversion. He doesn't want me to remember how him and his friends treated me during the marriage and after the end . When I think of A and J and their friends after we moved into that small town all I can remember is being degraded and humiliated . A and his friends beating on me to see if they could get me to cry , because it was funny. And sadly I have suspicions that I was a sex toy for them . That finally ended after we moved to the southwest , he was a high school wrestler and he put me in a position where I was in agonizing pain . I broke a Coke bottle over his head , and knocked him unconscious . And was punished for it . Him hurting me is what big brothers do , me stopping it " you're just psychotic". Of course they told me I was psychotic and then did absolutely nothing to help me . Is it any wonder that I isolated myself and have trust issues . I spent the entire last week in a very deep depression , because I realized but I've never really been part of this family . That from the day I ended that marriage till now , I just share a last name with them. Maybe even before then . I was just a sacrificial animal . A moved back to the small town we grew up in to marry his high school sweetheart . After my dad died my mother and sister moved back to be near him . There is no tearful goodbyes between us when they left , just a we will call you if we need something from you . And honestly I don't have the strength to go any further with this today .
  23. Gordy

    more random

    My brother has returned my mother to the nursing home she been in the past couple of years. He taken away her phone and she only allow to call people on his phone while he is in the room. This makes me uncomfortable. while I have issues with my mother I don't like the fact that he's isolating her from everyone. I also have trust issues with my brother, a few memories of come up that lead me to believe trusting my Big Brother's a bad idea. when I asked him about the time frame of when I got the TBI, he said for me to call her and ask because she remembers a lot about when we were growing up. But then when I asked him about sending me stuff so I could recover childhood memories a few days later I get a phone call from him she's hallucinating don't trust anything she says. Then he tried to put her in a mental institution. Curiouser and curiouser said Alice. So later on today I'm going to call the facility and find out if I can get all 20th century on it and write her letters. We'll see how that falls out. I also recovered a memory of me being on bread and water for a week. Apparently my stepfather, believed in the 1800 Royal Navy forms of discipline. And as Winston Churchill said the Royal Navy was just rum sodomy and the Lash. Lol
  24. Gordy

    The Piano Man

    As I read more on CSA and CPTSD I see more of the negative behaviors in me. One if them is anxiety attacks. I get overwhelmed, at work it's to many people, to much noise, to much to do and to many demands on my attention. I am fine if I can just focus on the thing I working on but interruptions stress me out. Especially by people who want to be BFF's. And then there are the Alpha Males who think they need to assert their dominance in every encounter. Fine you're a Alpha now Piss off. So I am reading up Anxiety attacks and CPTSD most of it is not helpful Let it go. Move on. The past is the past. Forgive and forget. Others had it worse. Suck it up. Etc etc , of course I have said all this to myself over the decades. And as I read a lot of this lines out of an old Billy Joel sing pops in my head "Here you are with your faith , and your Peter Pans advice, you have no scars on your face and you can not handle pressure" lol If I could let it go I would, if I could move on I would move, it not me refusing to let go of the past, it the past refusing to let go of me. I have forgiven but forgetting it is the problem, not be able to recall all of it and discharge the emotions is what's causing the problem . And yes I am aware that though out all of the history of the human race others have had it worse, so what? As for sucking it up I been doing that for over 40 years and it made it worse. The doctor has prescribed me valium for the anxiety and as much as I hate taking them I guess I better. I only been taking them for sleep and when it gets to be much. But if I wait till I am overwhelmed its to late. So time to start taking them as prescribed. Trying to be a real boy is hard. Thinking of myself as a thing was easier but not healthy . And my life where being a thing was necessary has changed . That is no longer healthy for my family . They and me need me to be human now. But 50 years of habit is going to be tough to break.
  25. Gordy


    As I read this site and others and as I do research on CPTSD. I have realized that my entire personality is built around CPTSD. I read about people who after a traumatic event, who are trying to go back to who they were before the experience. There is no "Before" for me. This ,of course, applies to any one who suffered abuse at a young age. Mine started at 3 and a half. The age when children begin to define who they are. And whoever that 3 year old was going to be E destroyed. With help from my older brother and sister. He destroyed who they were going to be as well. Now I not saying this out of self pity. I like who I am now. I think cutting myself off from my family for all these years allowed me to heal some of it. And when I set down and decided I needed to be the man who my wife and children needed was important for me. I also think that walking into that kitchen with that gun and saying No More was definitely a defining moment in my life. " We are we pretend to be , so let's be careful of who we pretend to be ." Vonnegut " I do things not because I want to , but because I want to be the type of person who wants to . " I can't recall where I read this. But now I need to be the person I need me to be. So there are a lot of things to work on. Symptoms of CPTSD which I found useful before no longer serve a purpose. One is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That was useful when we were fighting with a whole state government trying to keep our daughter out of a cage. It was useful when I was trying to deal with my wife's bipolar. But these were choices I made, and I am fine with that. But now these problems are , while not solved, are managed, and that is fighting me on moving forward. And I am going to move forward. I need to stop thinking that I am going to end bloody, that at any moment violence and death wait around every corner. It's going to be hard because the little man in my head is right now screaming that if I do that I won't be ready when something bad happens. That the second I relax it will happen. What ever it is. Well if "IT" happens I will be ready because I am always ready. It's who I am. But until then I going to work on the basic assumption I will live a normal lifespan and die in bed surrounded by these I love. I never thought I would make it to 55 so the little man was wrong about that.
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