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  1. Being touched

    And now I got the poor little bastard trying to pry open doors we welded shut decades ago. I don't think he likes me much.
  2. Being touched

    I don't know if I'd call it aggression lol, just I'm forceful about letting them know I don't like being touched. I've only had to actually resort to violence to Define boundaries twice, that I can recall right now on top of my head. Once I already mentioned about the Hell's Angel I stabbed in the foot. And once I had to pull a firearm to stop a rape. This gym rat decided at a party I was attending that he was going to have sex with that girl whether she wanted to or not. And everybody else at the rest of the party both male and female,were kind of ignoring it. She was sitting there by the campfire hugging her knees to her chest kind of crying cuz the guy just would not leave her alone. Her ride didn't want to leave because she was having fun. And the gym rat was one of the cool kids and pretty big. She Don't Know Me so I didn't think she'd get in the truck and leave with me. So I went to my truck strapped my pistol on went over and told him it was time for him to leave. He flared his muscles up and asked me what I was going to do about it. I pulled my weapon pointed it at his face and told him it was time for him to leave. He left. 38 hollow points don't care how much you can bench press. She was grateful everybody else at the party, both male and female was mad at me for harshing the buzz, the party broke up soon after that , they were willing to let it happened just so they weren't inconvenienced . I think it was the last time I hung out with them. That was after I quit drinking. And I've always had this little vision of the man in my head, lol. He is a beat up guy covered with scars blood and bandages, Waist Deep oily filthy water. In the engine room of a slowly sinking ship, half the Machinery in the room doesn't work and the other half is held together with bailing wire duct tape and sections of the electrical panel has jumpers around all the fuses. The only light in the room is that which is reflecting through the doorway from the fires in the other compartments. And all he's trying to do is just keep the Machinery that still works working. And every now and then something shorts out, he has to rewire it hot to turn it back on, and every time he does he gets shocked. But he not going to stop.
  3. Being touched

    I really don't like being touched by surprise. Particularly by men, if I see it coming it doesn't tense me up as much. last year I was working on a job and I was on an 8-foot ladder, and this one guy every time he'd walk by me he would touch my calf. Now I was really being real good about it, it would tense me up but I didn't say anything. Well then one time he walked by and started squeezing and caressing my calf. And I went off. I climbed up his ass, asked him if we were dating, told him only two people in the world were allowed to touch me one is a woman that changed my diapers and one is the woman I'm having sex with don't f****** touch me. Damn near brought him to tears. Wouldn't talk to me or look at me for the rest of the project. Now I felt kind of bad about that, so I've been being really good about not saying anything when people touch me. But this morning one of the guys went by that the old tap you on the left shoulder so you look that way so they can laugh at you trick. I believe my stepfather would do that so you wouldn't see the punch coming . So I very politely told him I don't like being touched so please don't touch me. Now he's kind of avoiding me. And I'm waiting for him to ask me why. I don't feel I need to explain it, I feel that all he needs to know is I don't like being touched, so don't. Since I started trying to remember, I've noticed my hyper-vigilance just kicked up a notch or two. My anxiety levels are higher and I'm having trouble staying focused on tasks. I'm forgetting things and there's some mental confusion. I'm also having trouble making decisions, because I'm trying to work out all possible outcomes. Which of course is impossible. I'm beginning to wonder how much longer I can treat this as an intellectual exercise, and when I'm going to start showing severe psychological issues over it. Which I'm pretty sure is coming.
  4. Memories from the 1st farm

    Our first farm wasn't very big it was only about 8 acres . there was a creek running through it and a couple acres of trees , for child as young as I was seem like a forest . This is where I have the clearest memories of the "Games". I remember being in my sisters room , all three of us naked on her bed . We wouldn't have been very old , I believe I was in fourth grade , she was 2.5 years older.. I have a vivid memory of her laying on her back with her legs spread and us using our hands to rub each other . And rubbing up against each other. This is when she said the thing about us peeing in her.It was very bright so I think the curtains were open. Again I think she started playing with us so E could watch. The creek that ran though the farm had cut a ravine , it wasn't very deep , but the sides were above our heads. I remember the three of us going out there , and her saying that we could hypnotize her and she do anything we wanted . I remember all three of us naked down there , playing with each other and rubbing against each other . The first vagina I kissed with my sisters , and the first female who took my penis in her mouth was my sister . And yes me and my brother also played with each other . I think we moved the games outside so E could get a clearer view. Later on we built a lean to out of brush , I believe the games continued in there even though I have no clear memory of it. We couldn't see out but if someone wanted to they could see in. With out us knowing they were there. I remember I found an abandoned animal den, I would worm my way in to hide. I have no idea what animal made it but it was large enough for a 4th grader. It was a dank smelly nasty borrow in a pile of dead trees and brush. But nobody know where I was. There was a family that lived next to us that also had kids about our age . They would come over and play and then one day they didn't anymore . They were very religious. I have the suspicion that J tried to include the older daughter in the games and the parents found out and forbid them to come over . I just have this fuzzy picture of two naked girls in that lean too . I remember being told that we hated the mother and father. That they were religious freaks and we needed to stay away from them . Again we were highly sexualized for children of that age . Me and my brother had G.I. Joe's and my sister had barbies. We would play G.I. Joe on liberty with them where we have the dolls do sex acts. Like I said this was the early 70s , media wasn't as openly sexual then as it is now . So we got these ideas from what was being done to us . I don't think we were there very long , long enough to grow and bale hay. But then I'm not sure, I only remember the summer there . I remember loading the steers and pigs on to a truck to take them to the slaughterhouse . That may have been while we were moving to the second farm . I remember E being abusive and violent because we weren't doing it right . this is all took place in the northern Midwest, so there would of been snow and cold. I don't remember winters , only flashes. As is my habit when confronted with a problem , I do research . Let's collect as much information as possible about the problem we're trying to solve and see how we can apply it to the problem . It appears that not only was I trauma bonded to E, I also have trauma amnesia . I may never fully recover the memories of the abuse . It may only be vague impressions, suspicions and just brief flashes.
  5. Well that went South fast

    My wife after a few stumbles has become very supportive and understanding of me trying to remember. And what it's doing to me psychologically. Right now she's into town about 40 miles away doing grocery shopping. I've been working on a project that requires me to run power tools so I missed a phone call from her. So she just texted "call". Now because of our special needs child we've always had an agreement that if you text you want someone to call you state it's not an emergency. Well she forgot to tell me it wasn't an emergency. Probably because I'm at home with our kid . So I called she didn't answer. So I just kept hitting redial over and over with no answer about a dozen times. I forget her phone doesn't ring anymore only vibrates. So she didn't hear it.So I thought there was an emergency. That threw me into a full-blown panic attack. I don't think I've ever had one this bad. So I called the Sheriff's Department to have them go to where she was at and check on her. She called while I was on hold everything's fine. She feels really bad that she did that. Apparently this is having a more adverse effect on me psychologically then I would like to believe. But while working on the project I remembered I was in the Boy Scouts, I think just a year, E was a scout master. I remember him in the uniform. I remember the den mother, she was nice. That would have been at the first house we lived at, once we move to the first Farm there wasn't time for that. Or they caught on to the fact that E was an abusive child molesting POS, and kicked him out. Memories are starting to come back, right now it's just normal stuff. But I have a feeling that if I start remembering the bad stuff this is probably going to get a lot rougher. It may get rougher even if I never have clear memories of the badshit. What I do remember tells me it was bad.
  6. More memories from the beginning

    When I was very young at the apartments we lived in when E and M first got married. I was maybe 2 or 3 years old. E aftershave got spilled. one of us dumped it down the toilet .I believe he used aqua Velva aftershave . That's the first time I recall him lining us up naked for interrogation. After much yelling on his part it was decided I did it. Hell I might've . I was laid across his lap naked and spanked. I'm getting flashes of other times I was beaten for something . I think that's when I started being blamed for everything that us kids did to anger him, because I was so small he would just use his open hand on me . Fists and the belt would come later . As I got older and the level of violence increased it was just the way we did things . my wife went and bought a container of Aqua Vega aftershave, smell is a good way to recall memories . I had it for about a month now and I will admit I am a little concerned of what will happen when I smell it . I have a memory of him either pushing M or punching her and knocking her down the stairs. She hit the wall so hard she put her head through it . these were apartments that were built previous to 1968 , so it wouldn't have been sheet rock. It would have been Lathe and plaster. That's considerably more solid then sheet rock. She's had multiple back surgeries since then . I remember from the first house her being in a full body cast . I can't help but wonder this is when the back problems started . I've always had the impression that my introduction into human sexuality was I caught the two of them having sex and he made me stand there and watch . I believe more then once. One of my "kinks" is watching people have sex. Not voyeurism but being in the same room and them aware I am there. But that also could be because of the Games. I remember me and my brother playing outside after dark , and him telling me to start looking at the apartments across the way so we could watch people having sex through the windows. Like I said I was very young I hadn't started Kindergarten yet , I don't believe he started kindergarten. This was the late 1960s . I believe that it would be unusual for children this young at ,that time, to be aware of sex. I remember the 3 of us bathing together. We were highly sexualized as children, I remember during one of the games on our first farm J said that we couldn't put our penises in her because she was worried we would pee and get her pregnant. I would have been 7 or 8. This was way before sex education at schools. I don't remember the birds and the bees talk but we were aware ,vaguely, of how babies were made. I did manage to recall a holiday, I remember getting lost on Halloween when we were out trick or treating. There's no real emotion attached to that memory , I remember later in the marriage when he would go on one of his rages or start pounding on me, I would pick a spot just pass his head and stare at it . I believe that even that young I was starting to disassociate with what was going on around me I'm getting flashes of mundane things too. Getting the old school bowl haircut. Playing. Things like that. I don't remember the move from the apartments to the first house . there are still great big chunks of my childhood missing but I'm working on it .
  7. Commenting on threads

    I find commenting on other people's threads very uncomfortable. One of the reasons I do that it's because as a child I was taught that everything I thought and said was wrong. That I was an idiot who couldn't get anything right. I've remembered after the TBI them getting so frustrated with me because I would have difficulty with spelling. And I remember being told how stupid I was ,what a loser I was, how I was going to be this big gigantic failure. So it's difficult for me to comment on the threads Of course I suffered severe brain trauma, and I'm being told now I was in a coma from 3 to 7 - days. But of course according to them that was just an excuse I was just lazy and stupid. But I'm forcing myself to do it, even though I find it very uncomfortable and it causes me anxiety. Because in order to do what I want to do I have to be able help people. So please forgive me if I'm clumsy at it, if I inadvertently say the wrong thing or it's not coming across the way I intended. I'm doing the best I can with my severely limited social skills. And to elaborate on my last post about being a violent drunk, no I never cross the line and hurt a woman or a child. I've never struck my wife in anger or struck my children in anger. And I definitely have never forced sex on a woman or a child. I decided early in the game that if I ever did that my next act would be to eat a bullet.
  8. Another ridiculous thing.

    I am uncomfortable in crowds. Too many people to watch. The violence /rage it's not something I would recommend LOL. I don't like having that in me.
  9. Fortress around your heart

    As I read stuff on this page and other pages I found that one of the recurring theme of survivors of CSA is that they wall themselves off, that they built walls between themselves and the outside world so they don't get hurt again. I don't think I built a fortress I built a prison. After the rape at 20 and the suicide attempt I quit drinking. And I looked back on all those years of drunken violent rage and I took that broken thing and I locked in the cage. And every time it looked like it was going to escape I would just put up another wall, another set of bars, more razor wire entanglements. I simply could not let that thing out. I was so scared that it would get out and hurt those that I love. I think that that maybe one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time remembering, as I spent decades looking for signs that it was going to get out, and telling myself don't think ,that don't do that. I wasn't scared of letting other people in and getting hurt, I was scared of letting me out and hurting them. I'm not saying that this was better or worse it's just the way I did it.
  10. Another ridiculous thing.

    With me it's pretty much all males. There like a 4 ft circle around me it they step into that circle it makes me uncomfortable. And every now and then, if they are with 2 ft I will have intrusive thoughtsthat they going to do something sexual. Because for the first 5 years after it ended I went with rage and alcohol I immediately prepare for violence. This is even with people I sort of trust. There's a joke meme floating around the internet that says the only person I trust is me and that's pretty damn iffy. For me that's not a joke, there's evil in my head and I have to keep it locked down.
  11. Another ridiculous thing.

    I have been in my particular trade for 40 years, I've done every aspect of my particular trade. I am known as a building trades master journeyman, I'm the guy they call to come figure out problems. I'm the one who they send on projects that they think are going to be impossible to get done. I'm currently welding in a location that is almost impossible to get to. I can either see it or welded I can't do both. The second I flipped my hood down I can no longer get my head in a location where I can see. So I'm having a hard time running a good bead. I have a guy working with me, he is my fire watch. His job is to make sure that I don't set anything on fire while I'm welding. He's a first-year Apprentice who's never welded anything in his life. And I am stressed out that he's sitting there judging me on my welding skills. What I'm working on is just this side of impossible and here I am worrying that this first-year Apprentice thinks I don't know what I'm doing. He doesn't know enough to judge if I know what I'm doing or not, but I'm all worried about it. Couple that with I'm in the dark room by myself with an adult male, I'm in vulnerable position and my face is covered and I can't see. Yeah a little bit of anxiety there. And if need be I could break this guy in half. Doesn't matter. Still stressing. And since I decided to start working on this I realized that I've always done that, I'm always worried if the homeless guy we hired from the Home Depot parking lot as a day laborer is judging me on my performance. And that's just ridiculous
  12. Missing memories

    I mentioned that I got a tent for the last Christmas with E. So that got me thinking. I don't remember Christmases or birthdays or any special events. I know we had them. I remember I got the tent for Christmas, I just didn't remember the day. I have a picture of me opening presents when I was about 6 or 7. I just didn't remember. I don't remember birthdays. I know we celebrated it I just don't remember. I also been thinking about behaviors linked to things from my childhood. I am uncomfortable when people do me favors or eating other peoples food. I almost invariably turn down food when when people offer. Even at company meetings, or parties. I think I am worried that there is a price attached. That might just be me not trusting people or it could be a price was paid when I was younger and I just don't remember. I remember E being all " this is my house, this is my food, you're mine you owe me" I wonder how I paid that debt?
  13. Trauma bonding

    So I received the divorce decree , it only states in it that E was negligent in his duty to my mother . And the divorce was granted on those grounds . Said nothing about the physical psychological or sexual abuse of us children. I may call the County Clerk again to see if I can get the transcripts because according to A him and J were allowed to testify apparently I was considered too young . If they still exist According to A when I found out I wasn't going to live with E I cried for a week . He said they couldn't understand why because we all wanted that son of the bit*h dead. I believe I was trauma bonded to E. I don't have a date when E and M got married. And A can't remember. I know I was very young a year maybe two. I'm going to try to get a copy of of the marriage certificate this week. So my entire childhood from one to two years old to 12 or so was spent with me being told that E was my daddy and I was supposed to love him. He was the central figure in my childhood , what few memories I have of my childhood and what I'm slowly recovering he is in more of them than my mother . You can take a dog , you can beat it , you can starve it and you can neglect it and it'll still lick your hand when you reach out to Pet it . And that's what I was,a badly abused animal . So it's really not surprising but I would have Trauma bonded with E. I'm wondering if that's why don't remember the year so after he left , because of my psychological state it would've been very traumatic for me to have him leave . Even though I tried to kill him . Couple that with the TBi I have ,the psychological problems from the physical and I'm beginning to believe sexual abuse , and incest it's no wonder I was insane for the rest of my teens . And my mother , the highly skilled and highly trained medical professional , I guess decided I would just get over it . Yeah that didn't happen . I was self-destructive emotionally unstable violent alcoholic . At 13 . I should've been in therapy from the time the marriage ended until I joined the military . I would respond to any stress with either violence or tears . But that would've required airing our dirty laundry in public and that something my mother was very opposed to. eventually I quit responding with tears and just stuck with violence and anger. When my mother remarried my real father , I remember relatively early in that he slapped me for something . Only time he did that . He came back in to my room a little later he found me sitting there with a loaded rifle on my lap. No I'm not going to somebody's punching bag again. I don't think my mother ever told W exactly what went on so I don't think he ever really understood what was wrong with me , only something was . As for M A and J , they treated me either with either laughter or contempt. Like I mentioned earlier in this blog I believe they thought I had absolutely no future so why bother . And they blamed me for the incest even though I was the youngest . I was the pervert not E and not them . So to any one was reading this, for if you can't figure out why you stayed in a abusive relationship for so long , or why you can't seem to get out of it it could be trauma bonding . It's a very real thing .
  14. Just ridiculous

    As I mentioned I told my brother that I was trying to remember, and ever since then I've been sitting here worrying about how my family is going to punish me for this. I was the nerd Avenger in school, punch a nerd I'd punch you. I once got in a fight with the entire defensive line of my high School football team because I got to a guy kicked off the team because he punched a nerd in class and I climbed all over him. I was once in an armed standoff with law enforcement, over the harassment of us because of our mentally handicapped child. I only got away with that because we were pressing a tyranny under the color of law suit against the local police department. But that's a completely different story and it involved Federal DOJ civil rights lawyers. When I was in the military once corrected a colonel on the military stance on homosexuals in the military. I was an E 3.This was before don't ask don't tell. The entire room went quiet and they proceeded on like I didn't say anything. It was so far out of their concept of reality they couldn't process it. LOL And in the back of my head is that damaged little boy worried that I'll be punished for not doing what they want me to do. And it's just freaking ridiculous
  15. Memories

    On the first farm we lived on I remember bailing hay. We were riding back to the barn on top of the hay wagon. The load collapsed and we fell off the wagon. I broke my feet in two places. I had to help reload the wagon and partially stack it in the barn before E would let M take me to the hospital. I really wasn't much help , I was an 8 or 9-year-old boy with a broken foot . But he felt he needed to toughen me up . I remember at the first house we lived at he would line the 3 of us naked from the waist down , yell while snapping his belt till he decided with one to punish. Usually me. I don't think he beat on J much, he was doing other things to her. I don't recall how long the naked line ups went on. When I talked to my brother the other night he told E beat on me more then the others because I was an instigator . So I guess it was alright then because if I just kept my mouth shut it won't have been as bad . I remembered three times that I instigated things, I have already spoken about when he tried to drown me . On the first farm , he would line us up in the kitchen again naked from the waist down . One time he was screaming at us and told us that he wasn't our real father , use degrading language to describe us and then demanded that we call him by Mr. His Surname. So I did . He was displeased and that earn me a beating Another time he had us lined up , screaming at us he told us not to Breath without his permission . So I raise my hand , he was like what , and I asked "can I Breath now " yup that was a beating. I like to think I was doing it to draw attention away from them. If it wasn't a surprise backhand or a punch to the face , his preferred method of punishment was to bend me over naked on his lap and beat on me with a leather belt. He would always say" this hurts me more than it hurt you " I have a vague recollection , of him at least once, rubbing the welts with the palm of his hand in a soothing manner . Telling me he was only doing it for my own good. I can't help but feel that by doing that he was sexualizing the act. I remember I had nightmares as a child , of an adult man coming in to a darkened room to do bad things to me , I think they were nightmares , they may be memory fragments . I still don't remember much from the second farm, and very little from the last farm and the house we lived in after E left. I may repeat myself on this blog , as the longer it gets I may forget about what I've already spoken about . The timeline and events may change as the memories become clearer. I'm also beginning to realize that I have very few memories with my mother in them most of them are of E or us kids I'm trying to maintain a clinical detachment for these memories , yeah that's not working .