Both first and secondary male survivor.
Given up trying to get therapy, but still logging in here as and when so as to check on friends and help where I can. Feel free to contact me but no hugs ever please
I don't know the details of what you went thru as a kid or what your children experienced. But you are grappling with complicated thoughts and feelings, which have immense ramifications for you and your family. Justice is a a murky, elusive, complex concept. Many levels. Many different belief systems. But pretty basic at it's core: We live in a society and we are all connected, so if an individual commits morally reprehensible acts that harm others then there should be negative consequences, commensurate with the destructive force and consequences of his/her actions. Philosophers in every culture have wrestled with this idea since the dawn of civilization. Or at least when our frontal lobes evolved enough to create these thoughts. Since then a lot of amazing thought has been put into this. By folks with more gray matter than most dozen people. It's worth reading some philosophy books to explore the subject. The issue can be consuming. Justice, revenge, killing a sexual predator to prevent future victims. Unintended negative aftermath to victims/survivors. Sadness. Guilt. Children horrified when they learn that the abuse they experienced led their father to become a murderer. Impossible-to-predict consequences...
You may want to avoid considering feelings and emotions. Focusing on moral justice and possible courses of action is cleaner, less messy. You may not want to hear people tell you that killing a person is wrong. And that you are a good person and should not kill.
My thoughts about your situation are slightly different. I am a pacifist but I understand anger, pain, revenge, preventative strike. I don't think you need to hear that right now. So I will ask you the simple questions that someone else asked me 25 years ago. Not long after a brutal kidnapping and 3 days of torture and sexual violence. Before I became a pacifist. The questions that I initially dismissed as trivial. Then they kept popping up. At odd times of day and night. Haunting me until I paid attention to them. Which I reluctantly did. And later the questions became life-changing. I suspect that you will be tempted to disregard them as irrelevant distractions as well...
The questions are simple:
What are you doing with your energy?
Where are you focusing your power?
Are you doing absolutely everything possible to heal yourself (and your children) or are you distracting yourself with other issues?
Some things to think about maybe.
I wish you well.
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It's clear (maybe it's me that's not).
I don't think I agree with all that you say. But that doesn't mean you are wrong. It means we might have different opinions, that's all.
Any and everyone on this site who has spoken to me, including yourself have done so with my best interest at heart. I know that.
You have not irritated me, I'll be honest and say I'm not sure what off base means and your honest attempt to help me is in its self, helpful.
I meant that I want to reply but I don't find putting thoughts into actual words easy and it's important to me that I don't mess up (although I now feel that my first attempt to say that was, in its self, a mess up).
You didn't just take the time to read my dribble, you took the time to try and help. Thank you.
Glad my good intentions came thru...
I've always thought that words are clumsy tools for us humans to use to try to express complex thoughts and feelings.... But until we come up with something more accurate, words will have to do... We are all coming from different worlds, and we're bound to have different interpretations and opinions on things...
"Off-base" as I used it was meant to say perhaps-not-very- relevant or applicable to your situation. Not sure of the words origins.
No worries on my side about saying the 'wrong' thing... I am a first class verbal- and written- muddler myself. God bless the EDIT button! And you can always add an addendum if you think you weren't clear... Whatever is good for you.
Hope the skies above you right now are clear blue... (Or moon-lit if youve got night going on)
Hi I've made such good friends here. I've found help, advice and support from my and other people's posts. I also find this and easy way to say how I feel and keep a record of how I feel. I hope we can help you reach your goals
If I can help. I will.
Your right YOU didn't ask to be raped YOU have done nothing wrong And maybe most importantly of all I BELIEVE YOU. We all do. I'm new here, still finding my feet. So I may not be able to offer as much help as others. But I'm here for you. We all are.
Hi I'm a 50 something year old man in England. My whole life has been driven by what happened to me as a child. My life style, joining the army, my work with kids. Even the character I invented as a comic. All driven by abuse. Oh, and I've never done something like this before ever. So please bear with me