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Everything posted by SeekingSerenity

  1. I've been making my bed and doing yoga every morning for a few weeks, now. Today's yoga was a little difficult, as I have a cold, which means a stuffed up nose. I did the best I could, and I don't feel guilty for the poses I didn't do... Also, last night, I did my circuit training for the first time in weeks. I'm quite proud of myself.
  2. My hope is that our b*tching and moaning about wanting the old chat back worked. lol
  3. This one happened to me a few months back. I was hanging out with an old friend from high school, and his friends-who I had only met recently. I forget the whole conversation now, but the subject came to sex, and I remember my friend just coming out with "She's never gonna give it up!" And they all started LAUGHING! Now I had told my friend already that I had been hurt, so he pretty much knew. His buddies, however.... I couldn't even really react because, well..... How many people would want to reveal that kind of thing to people they've just met? At the time, I think I rationalized that he might have forgotten what I'd said. I hadn't gone into detail, or anything, but I told him the basic gist of it. But it doesn't matter now because he proved his insensitivity even more since then, hence I do not speak to him. Though on the flip side, one of my neighbors who had heard about it not long after it happened admitted one day that he'd love to find the guy and kill him. That was sweet. Harvey's like a surrogate grandfather to me. lol
  4. From my dear older brother earlier tonight... "You have nothing to be depressed about. You haven't been through enough to be so fucked up." Oh yea. JUST what I needed after having heard that I have no grounds to press charges on the bastard. (The detective came by this morning to deliver the news.)
  5. Ah the joys of knowing your big brother cares so effing much..... This was sometime last month, when it wasn't even as "real" as it is now. "Yuknow, it was as much your fault as it was his." I ran from the kitchen and burst into tears. Yea, Mike. Thanks for the affirmation I DIDN'T need! There's also the matter of my mother. Now I know she means well, but it's just so hurtful. She keeps telling me that even if I do take the bastard to court, he'd walk because I never clearly said no and I didn't fight him. I appreciate the concern, Mom, but do you honestly know how much that hurts? Granted, I know it has to be hard for her as well-dredging up memories of her own experience and all that-but she refuses to act like she's affected because when it happened to her, everyone thought that if a girl was r***d, it was HER fault. (It happened in the 60's.) On another note : Reading all these comments has really made my head hurt. I was sitting here going "WHERE DID LOGIC GO??? I NEED TO FIND IT SO I CAN BEAT IT INTO THOSE PEOPLE!!!" All whilst smacking my forehead with every asinine word. :hammer:
  6. Just this morning, I told my mother that the reason I haven't been sleeping at night is that I'm terrified of the dark now. Her response? "Get unafraid cuz you need to look for a job." Yea, that's from my mother, who I might add had a similar experience to mine when she was 16. You'd think there'd be sympathy in the mix somewhere, but NOOOOOOO all she cares about is that I get a job so she doesn't have to waste booze money on me. -.-" I wish I had come back with "Yea, because being around people who could potentially hurt me is JUST what I need and want! Go f*ck yourself."
  7. Nicole, It was just a suggestion. I have been wrong before and will be wrong many times to come. I am sorry your mother is not very sensitive to what happened. I do understand to some extent though - for me, it happened ten (almost 11) years ago and I still feel very angry and very bitter about it. It's easier for me to "whatever" it and move onto more present things that I need to think about. I sometimes forget that anger is a big part of healing and I feel badly about it eventually. However, I am learning. My daughter once asked me "what happened?" My response was snapping, "I don't want to discuss it. Okay?" She dropped it and never asked again. That was a year and change ago. If she was to ask again, I will probably be much more receptive to it, and to her - and I've vowed to at least TRY to speak of things with her. She is an adolescent and she's going to hear about a lot of ugly things as she matures, and I would rather she ask me or her father any questions she may have about certain things. Attitude is something that can't be helped by anyone other than yourself - and usually it's something that you need to "modify" at your own pace. I still occasionally have a bad attitude. I am described as being grumpy sometimes, even a b*tch. Other times, I'm "sweet." :dunno: Another thought - (and please feel free to tell me to piss off, I would not take offense!) - perhaps you and your mother can go to counseling together. When you have two sides where communication isn't very effective, sometimes having a mediator in between may help - he/she can post the questions and give you both something to think about. It is common for a mother to forget to be a friend, and a lot can probably still be salvaged by way of your relationship if perhaps you two were to consider something like this. I am here if you wish to talk anytime, whether here or in private messages - I promise to keep my attitude in check. -S. I seriously wish that woman were open to counseling. I'm fully open to it, and suggested it to her many times over the years, but she always had the same response. "Councilors don't work. I've tried that before." And yet, she had me in counseling for several years. (Logic is what?) I'm sorry if this sounds like I'm attacking you. I don't mean it like that. It's just that rather than speak to me as if I have valid thoughts and feelings, my mother assumes that I'm spoiled, selfish, lazy, and irresponsible. It just feels like when it comes to me, her sympathy is gone. Yet, it's boundless for my older siblings. I mean is it because she didn't give birth to me? Or am I just a screw up in general?
  8. Just this morning, I told her the reason I haven't been sleeping at night. (The dark just freaks me out these days.) Her response was "Get unafraid, Nicole. You need to find a job." Sometimes I just wonder if she ever thinks before she speaks to me. Also, she keeps telling me to "lose the attitude". As if it's something I can really help it right now. -.-" Sorry if I sound whiny...she just gets under my skin sometimes. I could pour all of THAT out now, but I really don't feel like pissing myself off right now. I do understand where you're coming from, though, I really do. I'm just not sure if that's her reasoning.
  9. Thank you. I know it's not an invitation, but it wasn't the smartest thing I could've done. I just hope I stop actively blaming myself for it someday.
  10. Well, I'm new here, obviously. My name is Nicole, and I'm 20. Everything just generally hurts right now, and I hate feeling like he's still overpowering me. I thought he was my friend. But I guess I shouldn't have gotten so drunk. The most ironic part is that the same thing happened to my mother when she was 16, and she still can't understand what's wrong with me. Is it normal to be dizzy and feel out-of-focus? I'm sorry. I'm usually good with my words, but now...everything's just so bloody f\/<k3d up.
  11. SeekingSerenity


    Just some cool stuff from the crazy things I love. ^_^
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