Survivor0509

why.. that's a thought that goes through my head about 80 times a day I had my mom by me grapes, oranges, blueberry's, blue berry bagels, granola, an vanilla yogurt… but why what's the point of buying food when it goes to waste minutes later looking at the food my anxiety rises so high... an makes me feel so torn down today I ate some grapes lots of water an I have a small bowl of yogurt with granola an with every bite I hate myself … my medicine usually makes me feel cold sometimes but lately I have been extremely freezing cold constantly shaking even outside.. an just wanting

ever since I was a little girl I was uncomfortable in my own skin always looking in the mirror staring for what felt like hours sometimes I would skip meals an make the excuse I was sleeping.. but ever since I turned 16 I have restricted things an would fast for 5 days an when I would eat the lil bits I did it would be a few hundered calories then I turned 17 an it got worse an worse an after may 9th iv completely had no appetite.. It would be time for dinner an thinking about food would make me feel so sick … I wouldn't eat all day then my mom comes homes from work so I put up a front ..ill e

yes okay

dad..... you disowned me after everything happened to me blaming me.. that im stupid an to never ever talk to you again.. last time I seen you in person was my 17th birthday for 3 seconds in Walmart. the last time you talked to me on the phone was may 10th for 3 minuets as you lectured me... yesterday Sunday august 5th,2018… you pulled up to moms house to drop off sister an as you were waiting for her to come back out I happened to see you … all emotions started an my anxiety went extremely high as I seen you lean against the back of your truck on your phone I got so an

im doing okay your welcome to pm me im willing to talk anytime lots of love welcome to AS

welcome to AS im here lots of love

do you remember seeing me in court ? me staring you right in the eyes as i told them everything you did to me. during the whole time i really felt nothing except when i was walking in i was sobbing i heard you kinda moving an the chains that shackled your ankles up to your wrists jingled an that sound made me so sick to my stomach when i got to the stand when they started asking questions i started to look at you at first i was still sobbing then i wiped my tears away an gave you a dead blank stare two hours of answering questions felt like 4 days everything felt so slow i could barley hear th

yes its okay thank you

TRIGGERING i just seen him... i was reading my post about what he did to me that night an it felt like everything froze i started to get dizzy so i closed my eyes for a minute an open them an he was right there at the side of the kitchen table so close to me ... staring at me getting closer an closer he starting saying come here come here come here i kept closing my eyes then i put my music in an blasted it an opened my eyes again an he was there an looked at me disappointed trying to grab my wrist i tried talking an screaming but i couldn't finally it came

thats is so cool that your learning to im so sorry that you werent able to learn till later was it tough to learn at a older age im 17

got back in touch with a old friend who has helped me every night an staying on the phone with me till i fall asleep. But he says hes not only helping me im helping him. Me helping you? a few years back we found out he was 7% percent deaf in his left ear and 30% percent in his right ear right now hes not completely deaf but hard of hearing. But i went with him to the doctors 3 days ago an they told him that he will eventually be deaf an he now needs to fluently learn ASL - sign language he just started crying an hes a tall dude hes 6''7 an im 5''2 i gave him a big hug an said your not let

not good enough not strong enough am I enough ? I'm barley holding on its tough helpless...feeling so lost .. looking at my arms at all the scars it makes me feel gray... panic attacks are driving me insane I constantly feel gray like I can feel it all leaving me cause my heart has not stop hurting since july11,2018 like literal pain every time I think about anything you did an feel sick not being able to keep anything down...

I HATE YOU... I HATE YOU.. wont you ever go away.. will I stop smelling you or remembering the fabric of your tee-shirt.. I remember exactly what you were wearing black cotton Hanes tee-shirt with basketball shorts that had a lime green strip down both sides... I remember every detail.. everything that happened .. an I just want it to go away …. very distant with my mom now to cause of this an I feel so bad .. she knows about my SA but not the details but I don't want to hurt her an make her live it... an I hate you for that cause you didn't only hurt me my mom my be

you know I don't really know how I feel …

2:42am irritated.. frusterated.. can not sleep I am latterly terrified to sleep when it is dark outside