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Poppy_
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The darkness left for so long that I almost forgot it held a permanent residence in my body. The time I spent floating on clouds and singing songs was so tangible in my fingertips that I let myself believe the eviction took place and sunshine filled the corners you loved most. Holding hands and conversations so close to my heart while completely oblivious to your return date left me weightless and almost hopeful that normality could become familiar to me for the first time. Tossing bits and pieces of my heart out like candy on a parade float not even realizing that I was giving myself awa
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The Destruction that is Me - a slam poem
Poppy_ commented on Poppy_'s blog entry in Blah, Blah, Blog
@feralcat Thank you very much for the kind words -
The Destruction that is Me - a slam poem
Poppy_ commented on Poppy_'s blog entry in Blah, Blah, Blog
@onmycloud Wow, thank you SO MUCH for your kind words! This means the world to me. I'm trying to compile enough pieces because my T thinks I should publish a book of my slam poems.. so your kindness and taking the time to read really means so much to me. THANK YOU -
I’ve done it again. I hate that my brain likes to play games with me as if I were a child desperate for a game of Hide and Seek. The way my mind melts with my emotions the way a lit candle rids itself of wax that runs everywhere creating a mess contained only by the surface the candle is placed on. Sometimes my brain tells me things and I believe it because I have always been so naïve that even the whisper of ‘I love you’ is enough to take over my body and give the power to someone undeserving. Maybe it’s not so much that I am naïve, but that I am desperate for the lying tongue of a snake
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Sometimes I hear people talk about creating beauty from pain. About how art, and music, and poetry are best when they come from a place of hurting because there’s something so beautiful about suffering. I think these people have never experienced pain for themselves. There is nothing beautiful about wanting to tear your own flesh apart. I think that’s why we do it in secret. In places we can hide the pain because the beautiful kind of pain is pain that is tolerable in the minds of other people. Pain that is relatable and not too dark because if you talk about wanting to kill yourself, you
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@Eileendem - Hi! I have done EMDR with a couple different Ts as well as with a couple different events. There is a lot that goes into it and I do think it can be a difficult process, but it has seemed to work for me. I will say that the T I did it with first was not as effective, but I think that is because I did not trust her like I do my T now. Trust is VERY important if you are doing EMDR! During the sessions, it can get pretty intense, but the T should also have some grounding exercises handy to help bring levels down before you leave. The first time I did it, I did take the day off
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I wish I didn't exist.
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Well, as of yesterday, I have officially made it one year without SHing. This is the longest I've ever gone since I started... about 14-15 years ago. I thought I would feel differently once I made it past the one year mark of sobriety but... I kind of don't.
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Well done @Poppy_ That's a brilliant milestone! It's ok to have mixed feelings, but make sure you take a minute to really feel that pride and celebrate the new coping skills you've developed to get you here. 💛
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I shared some of my poetry in group therapy on Friday and I got a very positive response. Everyone seemed to be able to identify with what I wrote. It made me happy to share my art.
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Today, I am consumed by thoughts. Thoughts that I can’t run from or escape. Thoughts that sit on my chest and make it nearly impossible for my lungs to fill with air. Thoughts that are like rain inside my head and it’s flooding and I can’t contain it and the floods are causing damage and it’s all out of my control. A natural disaster in my brain. My limbs feel like lead and my eyelids are heavy with worry. This is one of those days that I want to turn the world off and catch my breath. This is one of those days that I feel that life is moving too fast and I can’t catch up and it’s ju
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@Finchy - Thank you for your kind words. I have my next T appointment today so we will have round two of EMDR and I am nervous. I am going to take my journal in case she wants to read this entry because I wasn't able to articulate the words and say out loud what I had remembered. It's just so hard remembering this kind of stuff. Knowing that someone took advantage of me when I was so young. My niece is almost six and I cannot even fathom someone doing to her what was done to me. It almost makes it hit closer to home, you know? Anyway, I'm rambling, it's just nice to know someone is listening.
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TRIGGER WARNING FOR GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SA. PLEASE BE CAUTIOUS IF READING AHEAD. EMDR is rough. At my last T session, K and I processed some SA trauma that took place when I was about 6-7 years old. Some of it, I was prepared for. I knew he tried to have sex with me in a closet. Some of you may even know that. If You want the story on that one, I have a blog titled “The Closet” where I delve into what I remembered from that event. I don’t remember all of the details… I don’t think he w— As I was writing that sentence, I remembered the part I wasn’t clear on. I knew he t
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I can pinpoint where this all started. I know when I became a construction worker and started on my first project of building a sky-high wall around my heart. I know when I decided that it was easier to just “be okay” than to try to get help or talk to someone. In some ways, I was right. If you asked me how I’ve been doing the last few weeks, I would tell you that I’ve been great. Life has been fun and exciting, and I don’t cry anymore, and I don’t feel like I need anyone. For the first time in my life, I am okay by myself. I’m not lonely. I don’t even really WANT to talk to anyone.
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Feels so good to be home from the hospital ♥️ Missed you all!
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I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow.
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Hey. It’s been a while. I think something is wrong. I don’t know what, exactly. I just feel so off. I feel disconnected from everything. I feel disconnected from my friends, from my family, from my therapist, from my feelings. I’ve been telling my therapist for weeks that I just feel so numb and empty and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve never had a hard time connecting with how I’m feeling. I’ve had issues identifying specific emotions, but I always knew I was feeling SOMETHING. I knew if it was positive or negative. But, now? I feel nothing. I get bad news – nothi
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Over Christmas, my mother told me that she thinks I have diabetes. Mind you, I'm overweight, but I don't think it's severe and I'm not obese. But I'm still the biggest person in my family. And my mom tells me all the time how much I need to lose weight. Makes me wonder if she would love me more if I were thinner.
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Weight and diabetes are not always related. She should not make such remarks like that. I have been getting rude comments from family members for my weight too over the years, starting when I was a child. I think neither you or me should be put through this. And at Christmas, the time of the year we should rejoice and have a good feast...
If your mother would love you more is you lost weight, SHE has a serious problem not you! This is not okay. Also, thinner does not always mean healthier. Sitting if ok?
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Can someone PM me to talk? I need some advice and I don't have anyone I can talk to.
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Thank you so so much. You have no idea what this comment means to me
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I wrote a letter to my mother and I want to share it here. I don't think I'll ever send this to her, but my T suggested that I write it to express how I'm feeling about everything that's been going on lately. So, I decided to post it. Maybe it will encourage someone to write their own. To My Mother, I’m writing to you because I just really don’t understand some things. I have questions and I need answers. I don’t know if you will be able to provide me with any answers because honestly, I don’t know if even you have any. Some things just don’t make sense
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This has got to be the hundredth time I’ve started this blog. I just don’t know what to say. I want to write, but I don’t know what to say. It feels like nothing is happening while at the same time, everything is happening. I’m in distress. I’m crying a lot – and I mean a LOT. I’m angry. I’m hurt. But I don’t know how to put any of this on paper and get it out of my head. Everything is wrong. Everything feels so insignificant. I can’t even write because it doesn’t feel safe. Therapy doesn’t feel safe. Nothing feels right. I feel like I’m living in absolute chaos and no one can help m
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Hi, @RedSunflower - Welcome to After Silence!! I’m glad you were able to find this forum and I hope that it brings you the comfort and peace you are seeking. I know an anonymous outlet can be hard to come by, but it can also be very helpful. If you need anything at all, feel free to shoot me a message! Wishing you the best of luck here. Best, Poppy
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Hi. @blackwidows - Welcome to After Silence! I hope you're finding your way around the site okay. If you need anything, feel free to holler at me! Best, Poppy
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I ruin everything.
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Hope you’re ok @Poppy_
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if ok?
