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Blog Comments posted by Capulet

  1. @leosun :throb:

    Thank you for your comment!

    I spent a lot of time trying to justify why it's taken me SO long to get to this point in the 'race.'  I'm nowhere near finished.  I think I am at a halfway point; and sometimes cannot help but feel as if not being '100% healed' yet means that I've failed myself when instead I was just crawling along for a while and building up for my next sprint.  I know that I always say there's no time frame for finishing our own personal races, and I still believe that.  I just don't want to pull out of it prematurely because it's REALLY easy to get impatient with ourselves.  I think though, that rather than quit entirely, we should take as many breaks as we need, and for however long.  I think this is perfectly acceptable, as long as we don't lose sight of the race and what all of our long-term goals are.  I think that finish-line is symbolized as more than just a piece of tape; when we realize we are exactly the person we want to be, THEN we've done it. :) 

    It truly helps me to hear that others too have had to sideline for a little while when life's circumstances and pace call for a break.  So, I appreciate that. :)  Thank you, hun!

    - Cap


  2. @AKB :throb:

    Ahhhh, yes!  I think you did mention somewhere that you ran the NYC Marathon.  I didn't notice that outfit though I might have unknowingly caught a glimpse of you on television. :)  20 years ago, I was in a terrible place - and the only thing I wanted to do with the Marathon was to watch it on TV to see how many people actually finished it.

    But hey - you have my utmost respect - 26.2 miles is nothing to laugh at - you have amazing willpower and strength and regardless of your reasons for running, (If I were in good physical shape, I might run for the same reasons - just to take off, run as fast as you can, think about nothing but how much distance you can cover and just imagine it's taking you further and further away from whatever it is you're running from....YEP, makes sense!) you still endured that 26.2 mile journey through all five boroughs of NYC and you made it through the tape!  That's TRULY incredible.  Congratulations!!!!

    In the healing sense, I think there's a little bit of Runners A, B, & C in us all.  Runner A alone, is, who I imagine we'd all like to be.  Confident, prepared to take on the world (or at least whatever hurdles lie ahead) and they want to be done with it all in a timely fashion.  I think I flirted with the idea of being Runner A until I found that for me, it was nothing more than an illusion - I was being forced to switch gears rather quickly due to personal circumstance.  I think, though, perhaps being Runner A is kind of like one of those impossible carnival games that only a very, VERY select few can master without having to change speeds.

    Perhaps, your Runner D is the 'Re-Runner.'   You've been through the tape (twice!) and are just going back over a few hurdles, spending a little bit more time in certain areas, not excluding the porta-potties. :)   And you're doing it by choice, too - that's admirable, my friend and shows your endurance!

    Thank you for your feedback - you've given us all more to think about! 

    - Cap



  3. Welcome to AS and congratulations on starting your first blog! :)  Looking forward to hearing more of what you have to say.  I think writing is the absolute best way to sift through some of our thoughts - and it is always so healing to get feedback and validation from others, too!

    Take care, 


  4. 7 hours ago, AKB said:

    Here's to #50 @Capulet! I was imagining my Grandma's house as you described hers.

    It's not just you about having everything be completely dark in order to sleep. We have 3 doors that must be shut in our bedroom - one to the closet, one to the bathroom, and the one to the rest of the house. They all must be shut to keep out any excess light and to keep the cat out of our bedroom. Luckily they are round doorknobs and she's 15 so no chance she'll figure out how to open them now. And the cable light must be covered. The only light I allow is the salt lamp on very, very, very low. Luckily the hubs knows and loves my kind of cray-cray so he humors me. And I have no earthly idea why this is how it must be to sleep. When we've lived in places with mini-blinds I must put up the black-out curtains to block all the light. Shrugs. And of course, big hugs. :hug:


    And here I thought I was weird about the need for total pitch-blackness....birds of a feather???  Cray-cray or not, it's nice to hear that I'm not alone in this...my fiancee is often giggling while I go about my night time 'coverings' but she too humors me.  The only difference is - I wouldn't want even the salt lamp on so I often stub a toe or two on my way back to the bed! 

    I'm not sure how I feel about so many memories circulating out of my grandmother's house.  Still working on these random yet bothersome thoughts.  Writing about and then picking apart one small thing at a time seems to be the way I cope best and so I shall continue.  

    Here's to 50 more.  Hoping you're well, my friend!  Thank you so much for reading and for being here!

  5. On 8/28/2018 at 6:32 PM, Hoping8 said:


    I’m proud of you!  You’ll be a great advocate, and if the currents change along the way, you are resilient and flexible and you will adjust accordingly.  Your voice and experience are invaluable.


    Thank you.  I shall remain a work in progress but know I am eternally grateful for your everyday support! :throb:

  6. Congrats on your new blog. :)  

    And your success with your Mom.  That's amazing - I'd say you had a very productive weekend! How are you feeling?  I know that while it's great, it can feel overwhelming at times. 

    Honored to be your first comment. I have to agree this is a great place to find so much support, acceptance and compassion - it's a place where no one will judge you for your failures, we celebrate your successes with you - we simply care.  And I'm truly glad you've found AS and that you're beginning to focus on your recovery - you're worth it!

    Take gentle care.

  7. That's amazing. :)  

    I was born without hearing.  I didn't learn ASL until my college days...I wasn't allowed.  My parents taught me to speak and they really didn't want me focusing on sign language and relying on it, but I still learned as soon as I had the chance.  It really is a beautiful language and it's a lot of fun to learn.

    Your friend is lucky to have you to learn the ropes with him. :) And I'm glad you both have something to distract a little from negativity and the not-so-nice things. 

    Best of luck!


  8. Thank you for the very kind words, @riverkid.  I think my biggest struggle right now is getting both my brain and heart on the same page...the adult me certainly being a representation of a heart opening up to whatever the brain (the child) has to offer - I fear that because I've been negligent of what other stuff was hidden away for so long, perhaps the brain has decided that it's going to be buried forever.  Maybe I'm stuck on the idea that the two have to be synonymous but perhaps they don't and as you've said, there's the right time for everything.

    It is indeed frustrating but little by little, I am revisiting what I do remember and peeling away layer by layer, trying to uncover everything so that the adult me can fill in some of the blanks - I'm pretty sure a lot of the stuff I'm not remembering has to do with the person I am now as an adult - and my heart truly wants to make peace with it all.  

    I thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts - I wish you all the best in your healing journey as well. :)

    - Capulet


  9. @Kmkz,

    Yes - most folks stuck on the outer edges for me, too.  I truly believe you get what I'm saying.  It's not something I'm proud to admit about myself - that I am capable of being so untrusting but I also have to cut myself (and others like me) some slack because there's a reason I'm this way; a reason that is not my fault, but at the same time, I have to learn to get around.  And I know this also applies to others...having this mutual understanding is helpful, though...

    I rather like the maze and tunnel reference - it reminds me of the old Jim Henson flick, 'Labyrinth.'  The storyline/plot is completely fictional and more kid-oriented but if I remember correctly, there's a fortress situated at the very center, and there's a series of turns, twists, drops, climbs, etc in order to get to the middle.  Just like any other maze, one wrong turn can land someone back at the very beginning, no matter how far they've come.  And then when it gets super difficult, sometimes people realize that they're getting nowhere and give up entirely.  (And believe it or not, this is yet another 'test.')

    I do have to agree that without realizing it, I, too grant people these small shortcuts based on their responses to little snippets that I have been comfortable enough to share.  If someone responds in a negative manner or a way that I'm not comfortable with, it's back to the beginning for them, or in my case, a new, more difficult wall to break through than the previous.  

    Lately, there are a small handful of 'new' friends/acquaintences who have entered my 'maze,' to include my sister-in-law...people who USED to be strictly confined to the outside edges.  And as I gaze at what's out there from the comfort zone of my fortress, I have to prepare myself for what I'll learn about others in the process.  

    I'm just hoping for more surprises than disappointments.

    - Cap

  10. @OnWheels,

    Heyyy - thank you!!!  I'll for sure be updating on the concrete situation. :) Will see if the guy we hired graces me with his presence tomorrow - it IS supposed to rain overnight but I'm HOPING that he'll at least show up to take a look at the situation in the yard, as promised, and not send me into further panic by not following up in any way.

    On one hand, I'm sorry to hear your father wears the Trump/Constipa-Face, but on the other, am slightly (and perhaps oddly) delighted that this "face" is recognized by people other than myself and my daughter.  The wasband is damn near impossible as a person; he hasn't got a sensitive bone in his body and sometimes, in order to not lose my mind, I have to invite a little humor into how I describe him. 

    Perhaps we can come up with creative names for "the face," makes it a little more bearable whenever we see it...? 

    Thanks for the comment, they are truly loved.  Glad to have made you smile today. :) 

    By the way, the cat came around looking for more jerky, but unfortunately, the bag was finished last night.  I'll have to pick up some more!

    - C



  11. Hi, @Free2Fly,

    Of course!  Safe hugs are always okay and loved. :)

    I don't think the weight I'm trying to lose is a result of depression - life has been, for the most part, good and since there's always, always ups and downs, I think a good word to use would be 'stable.'  I think I just got too comfortable, and just let myself go.  I am feeling okay these days, I think I just fell into a rut which I CAN attribute to these ups and downs. :)  Just time to do a little bit of maintenance.  I feel so much better having started this weight-loss journey.  

    You will, too, when you're ready.  This is something you shouldn't try to do until you are ready to make these positive changes.  I feel this was the time for me.  I just need a little nudging here and there in order to STAY motivated.  I sure miss my "crap" foods, but don't like how enjoying them made me feel afterwards. *shrugs* 

    Hope you are doing okay, Free. :throb:  Safe hugs back atcha!

    - Cap

  12. Thanks, Free! 

    By the way, the son calls internet in this general area, "pure crap."  Unless people's personal wifi is working, and their modems/routers are provided electricity, there is absolutely no service.  We are just fortunate that the fire house up the street has generators running at all times so in an emergency, we can walk up there and make calls.

    Thanks for the hugs.  We're dealing.  Trying to get back to normal. :)

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