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Capulet

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Blog Comments posted by Capulet

  1. :throb:  School prep is going.  Registering for classes on 6/13. :)  Looking forward to it!!!!  Four months away!

    Thank you, sweet friend, for the kind words.  While little can be said about my mother, the mental image of snatching that wooden spoon and snapping it in half over my knee is a nice one.

    Sending you love and hugs, hoping things are going well for you this week!

  2. @goldraindrops - thank you, dear friend.  It means so much to hear that - I've heard it before but it's pretty easy to lose these positive affirmations once the doubts start to sink in.  It's been a wild week of me becoming used to the idea of life as I know it changing in the Fall.  Now, I'm trying to self-affirm that change isn't necessarily bad - it's just going to take some adjusting! :)  

    There's no turning back, now, though - the 'hold my place' fee has been paid. ;)  As stated somewhere else - onwards and forwards!  The only direction to go from here.  Thank you for your love and encouragement, friend.  :throb:

    @Angelbee - I will likely be messaging you at some point to ask how your experiences were while studying Social Work! :)  Thank you so much for your good thoughts and your well wishes - they mean a tremendous deal to me - and I appreciate hearing from you.  

  3. Bail money not needed.  :up:

    Thank you, though, @2Siamese - it's good to know that if I ever needed a get-me-outta-jail fundraiser, you're my girl! 

    My mother is not happy about overall not being able to sway me anymore - but I am at the point where I can no longer make certain others AND myself happy at the same time.  

    I went for it.  I got myself a Jeep!  New entry to follow, with a delayed update. 

    Hugs!
    Cap

  4. 2 hours ago, Healing4Life said:

    The other thing that strikes me about this post is how I can relate to keeping people at arm's length, then being surprised when they stay there even though I want them closer.  For instance, I recently lost my job (couldn't handle the PTSD symptoms at work) and the people I had worked with for nearly a decade don't speak to me anymore.  I didn't do anything wrong, I was just anxious.  Then it occurred to me that I made sure I didn't get too close to anyone.  They'll just hurt me.   Well, it worked.  They don't seem to care I'm gone.  

    YES!!  This is another thing that is very difficult to explain, but you've nailed it.  I am sorry this rings true for you, too. :(  It is NOT a nice feeling, AT ALL.

    If only there was a way to state this to others - "I want to keep you at arms' length, but I also want you to keep trying to get closer to me."  It seems...I don't know - almost as if it's a selfish, inconsiderate thing to ask, if we're being honest with ourselves.  So we don't, and we kind of hope others pick up the vibe on their own.  :shrug:  Not having a whole lot of luck with it, though - am seeing that the results are repetitive and if I expect something to change, I'm going to have to start shortening that arm!  

    Hope all is well for you - thank you for reading and for providing this valuable feedback!  I appreciate it greatly.

    Warmly,
    Capulet

     

  5. Thank you, dear @forestmistheather!!!  

    My counselor does not know me very well just yet.  But I think she might be onto something based on the one official visit I recently had with her - perhaps this assignment was presented to me as a way to prove that point that I VERY rarely I think about myself, my own future.  I have been sort of 'going with the flow' for as long as I can remember.  Others' happiness - most especially the happiness of my loved ones, take priority over my own.  It's always been a 'if you're happy, I'm happy' kind of thing with all of them. 

    You are correct, though, I do notice that it's way easier to consider where everyone around me will be in three years while I still  struggle with what I'll be doing for the rest of the week!  I will for sure give that alternative approach a shot...it will require a bit more soul searching but I know that eventually having more confidence (and to be without that automatically-guarded perspective) in deciding where I'll be in three years IS possible.

    Thank you for the luck and the feedback, it is greatly loved and appreciated. :hug:

    - Cap

  6. Thank you, @Kmkz - believe it or not, I didn't make the connection that this was DV, until earlier this year.  I've always been under the assumption that the 'violence' part always alluded to physical violence, to beatings at the hands of a family member.  The emotional, mental and verbal beatings were what I was so used to, those became a 'normal' occurrence.  I knew it wasn't right, it wasn't healthy, but accepted that it was his way of being the bully he is.  He would tell me, 'that's how I am.'  He would then turn around and do something nice for someone else, something that would make him out to be the 'nice guy' that we already knew he was not - definitely messes with the brain.  And while married, I didn't have the freedom to be around others, to experience what others' relationships were like.  

    I'm definitely wiser, now.  I'm glad it didn't take my kids very long to pick up on some of these things - there's still hope for them - and I don't believe for one second that my son will ever treat a woman the way his father treats his wives.  And I know that my daughter will NOT marry a man who exhibits the same bullyish traits as her father does.  In fact, I joked with the Son and told him that if he learned anything from his father, it's how NOT to be. :)

  7. Dear @rosedust,

    Thank you so much for reaching out!  While I'm so sorry to hear about your past and what you've been through at the hands of your father - and that you've had some similar reactions, it IS a small relief to know that I am truly not alone and that others have made the same type of mistakes.  I am so, very glad to hear that you've got a supportive husband!  He's right - you know...it does us no good to dwell on past mistakes - we cannot go back and correct them.  What is done is done.  We CAN, though, move forward with what we've learned from them and we CAN grow!  

    It's important to keep the lines of communication open with those who truly love us (despite some excess baggage) and to remind ourselves that we certainly DO deserve their kindness, their support and their affections.  We've had enough negativity - it's time to hold onto the healthy, the positive, everything that makes our hearts truly happy.  I know it's tricky because so much of that negativity was so deeply ingrained in us, some of it for years!  So it's not by a long shot easy to start believing that we deserve good things.  But we do, I'm convinced of it.

    Absolutely any and all feedback is loved and appreciated. :)  So, please, if anything else resonates, please don't be shy!  We're all trying to figure stuff out.  Plus, the company is great!

    Safe hugs, hoping you are having a great weekend.
    Cap

     

  8. 51 minutes ago, Redness said:

    Do you have a blog on here ?

    I do!  It's called A Grain of Salt & A Pound of Chocolate. :)

    Link here:  

    That will be the very first entry.  Blogs on here read from the most recent, so I found the first entry and sent you there - at the bottom of each entry, you'll then be able to read the next, and so on.  

    I love feedback, so would love to hear your thoughts! :)

    Hope your weekend is awesome. :)

  9. Hi, @Redness and congratulations on your first blog entry.  I, too, am a frequent blogger and find that it's the way I best share what is going on with me internally; I'm a deep thinker and sometimes it takes me a few days to process everything in order to spill it all out. :) 

    Anyway - I am so sorry that you've endured so much pain, suffering and overall ugliness in life.  There are a lot of not-so-nice things in mine, too - but you are SO, VERY right in that we are shaped by our experiences and grow stronger from them.  Without the negative, it becomes harder to see the positives.  

    It sounds like things are currently going well for you and I'm very glad to hear that. :)  I am beginning to make some changes in my life too and these are not easy - if they were, I likely would have made them years ago. But the most important thing to remember is not how long it's taken to regain control over our lives, but simply that we're doing it.

    Looking forward to getting to know you.

    Cap

  10. Hi, @Kmkz...

    It wasn't bad.  I have found that I am pretty much unspook-able when it comes to Haunted Hotels, but anxieties tend to mount whenever I am around a group of people.  

    However, it's on my list of things to 'fix.'  If a total fix isn't possible, at least a partial one is in order - I'm feeling that I've arrived at a point in my life where I am going to run into this problem on a more regular basis if I don't work toward building up my tolerance for group settings.

    Hope you're doing well!! :throb:
    Cap

  11. I'm so sorry to hear of the closing of this chapter in your life, @leosun - but you are absolutely right on all counts.  Good for you for making the choice for you both - he probably would not have been able to make it on his own, it appears he was/is highly conflicted.  It's never easy to part ways with someone you love and I know you'll mourn accordingly but I know that in the end you will find that you made the right choice and you will be just fine. :)

    Hang in there - if you need to talk, you know where to find me!

    - Cap

     

  12. @leosun :throb:

    Thank you for your comment!

    I spent a lot of time trying to justify why it's taken me SO long to get to this point in the 'race.'  I'm nowhere near finished.  I think I am at a halfway point; and sometimes cannot help but feel as if not being '100% healed' yet means that I've failed myself when instead I was just crawling along for a while and building up for my next sprint.  I know that I always say there's no time frame for finishing our own personal races, and I still believe that.  I just don't want to pull out of it prematurely because it's REALLY easy to get impatient with ourselves.  I think though, that rather than quit entirely, we should take as many breaks as we need, and for however long.  I think this is perfectly acceptable, as long as we don't lose sight of the race and what all of our long-term goals are.  I think that finish-line is symbolized as more than just a piece of tape; when we realize we are exactly the person we want to be, THEN we've done it. :) 

    It truly helps me to hear that others too have had to sideline for a little while when life's circumstances and pace call for a break.  So, I appreciate that. :)  Thank you, hun!

    - Cap

     

  13. @AKB :throb:

    Ahhhh, yes!  I think you did mention somewhere that you ran the NYC Marathon.  I didn't notice that outfit though I might have unknowingly caught a glimpse of you on television. :)  20 years ago, I was in a terrible place - and the only thing I wanted to do with the Marathon was to watch it on TV to see how many people actually finished it.

    But hey - you have my utmost respect - 26.2 miles is nothing to laugh at - you have amazing willpower and strength and regardless of your reasons for running, (If I were in good physical shape, I might run for the same reasons - just to take off, run as fast as you can, think about nothing but how much distance you can cover and just imagine it's taking you further and further away from whatever it is you're running from....YEP, makes sense!) you still endured that 26.2 mile journey through all five boroughs of NYC and you made it through the tape!  That's TRULY incredible.  Congratulations!!!!

    In the healing sense, I think there's a little bit of Runners A, B, & C in us all.  Runner A alone, is, who I imagine we'd all like to be.  Confident, prepared to take on the world (or at least whatever hurdles lie ahead) and they want to be done with it all in a timely fashion.  I think I flirted with the idea of being Runner A until I found that for me, it was nothing more than an illusion - I was being forced to switch gears rather quickly due to personal circumstance.  I think, though, perhaps being Runner A is kind of like one of those impossible carnival games that only a very, VERY select few can master without having to change speeds.

    Perhaps, your Runner D is the 'Re-Runner.'   You've been through the tape (twice!) and are just going back over a few hurdles, spending a little bit more time in certain areas, not excluding the porta-potties. :)   And you're doing it by choice, too - that's admirable, my friend and shows your endurance!

    Thank you for your feedback - you've given us all more to think about! 

    - Cap

     

     

  14. Welcome to AS and congratulations on starting your first blog! :)  Looking forward to hearing more of what you have to say.  I think writing is the absolute best way to sift through some of our thoughts - and it is always so healing to get feedback and validation from others, too!

    Take care, 
    Cap

     

  15. 7 hours ago, AKB said:

    Here's to #50 @Capulet! I was imagining my Grandma's house as you described hers.

    It's not just you about having everything be completely dark in order to sleep. We have 3 doors that must be shut in our bedroom - one to the closet, one to the bathroom, and the one to the rest of the house. They all must be shut to keep out any excess light and to keep the cat out of our bedroom. Luckily they are round doorknobs and she's 15 so no chance she'll figure out how to open them now. And the cable light must be covered. The only light I allow is the salt lamp on very, very, very low. Luckily the hubs knows and loves my kind of cray-cray so he humors me. And I have no earthly idea why this is how it must be to sleep. When we've lived in places with mini-blinds I must put up the black-out curtains to block all the light. Shrugs. And of course, big hugs. :hug:

    :hug:

    And here I thought I was weird about the need for total pitch-blackness....birds of a feather???  Cray-cray or not, it's nice to hear that I'm not alone in this...my fiancee is often giggling while I go about my night time 'coverings' but she too humors me.  The only difference is - I wouldn't want even the salt lamp on so I often stub a toe or two on my way back to the bed! 

    I'm not sure how I feel about so many memories circulating out of my grandmother's house.  Still working on these random yet bothersome thoughts.  Writing about and then picking apart one small thing at a time seems to be the way I cope best and so I shall continue.  

    Here's to 50 more.  Hoping you're well, my friend!  Thank you so much for reading and for being here!

  16. On 8/28/2018 at 6:32 PM, Hoping8 said:

     

    I’m proud of you!  You’ll be a great advocate, and if the currents change along the way, you are resilient and flexible and you will adjust accordingly.  Your voice and experience are invaluable.

     

    Thank you.  I shall remain a work in progress but know I am eternally grateful for your everyday support! :throb:

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