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Capulet

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Blog Comments posted by Capulet

  1. Thank you, @MeBeMary, @Finchy, @Doll6.  The hugs are very appreciated and needed.  

    I went for my head CT on Monday.  I was given discs of my images, which I mailed to the surgeon.  Now I wait for her to receive them, review them, and then contact me for a consultation via Telehealth.

    Things are moving along, just not quickly enough.  I got my assignments for the Fall (school year) and I will be resuming with my sixth grader during the day in the classroom and then my seventh grader at his home after school.  I am going to be gone ALL DAY.  My only consolation is that I'll be able to bring my charger with me to the classroom and keep my batteries plugged in.  I cannot currently do that because I'm at a daycare during the morning hours, so for now, I'm going to have to keep them all in my pocket and pray they get me through the day. 

    They may not, though.  The batteries have been draining even faster.  At times, the battery will die completely, and when a new one is put in, the internal processor doesn't 'pick up' right away.  I've figured out that when this happens, I need to give myself a few minutes to let it 'get ready' or 'boot up.'  It will usually work after a few minutes, but dang, this was not happening before.  

    I now have to email the audiologist and let her know what's been going on.  Maybe she can light a fire under the surgeon....this has to be done VERY soon.

    Thank you all again.  Will continue to keep you all posted. ❤️ 

  2. @Doll6 - thank you!  She had a very emotional week...she's been extra clingy...usually he was at my house every day after school and they would be watching movies together and sometimes cook together...she has been trying to adjust to being without him and has been hanging out with me - I am secretly enjoying that part but am sad for her.  I just let her talk and I listen - and I make sure she eats, gets some sleep.  They still talk and communicate via phone - she continues to make me proud and has quelled my concerns that they'd get back together by saying she'd never consider it - she feels they are 'done with one another' and would like to remain friends with him - she just needed time and space right now, which is completely understandable.  She's doing better this week than she was last week, so I'm hoping this coming week will help her aching heart some more. ❤️ 

  3. 7 minutes ago, sk8er said:

    I like to believe that this version of myself Is trying just as hard as the others would (?? odd statement there haha) but I hope It still makes sense.

    It does!!! And you're right, these things will certainly shape you....especially if you are young when you first collide with trauma.  Some people have unfortunately not had time to adapt to a life trajectory; trauma is all they really ever knew and understood.  I know that's infuriating when you think about it.  

    You're correct, though - the version of yourself that just is - does the absolute best you can.  There's no way of knowing what an alternate universe/life path would have offered - for sure its own set of trials and challenges that I'm sure you would have tackled with the same strength and determination as you apply toward the life you do have.  And, because there is no such thing as a perfect existence, maybe we really did get the better outcome - that's always a possibility!   😉   

    Thanks, @sk8er, for this. ❤️ 

    - Cap

  4. @Doll6 - thank you for reading and for responding. While I am sad that you, too, can relate to some of these, your reply is truly validating and I truly appreciate your making me feel a bit less alone in these.  Know that if you ever need to reach out, I am always willing to listen.  

    I’ll only accept the title, ‘kick-ass survivor’ if I can share it with you all. 😉 We are, after all, in the same boat, trying to cross the same ocean, weathering similar, if not the same elements.

    Hang in there - and again, thank you. ❤️

     

  5. @Pink Sky - so sorry for the delay in responding to this!  I think I opened it while I was at work and kept forgetting to come back.  Boy, am I tired....

    (And I just had a four-day weekend!)

    Anyway - I like how you summed up the entry.  It really does come down to boundaries and putting them in place for protection.  On that, I will forever be a work in progress.  I'm definitely not in a hurry to set them because I feel the need to first gauge where there is a need for firm boundaries and where I have enough trust in myself and others.  

    Thank you for your words, friend, and for walking this path with me! ❤️ 

  6. 4 hours ago, GreySock said:

    I remember trying to help my client try to switch private health insurance provider, she'd had an issue with her existing provider as they insisted on talking to her, they insisted that if she could speak, it meant that she wasn't deaf.

    That’s absolutely preposterous and not true!!!  Deaf people may not be able to hear but most are capable of speech - tho for some it is difficult and most prefer to use ASL or another form of silent communication on account of it being more comfortable/normal for them.  No one should be penalized for that.  I’m sorry for your client. :( 

    When I was a baby, my parents were told that I would not speak.  In order to speak correctly, you needed to be able to hear correctly, at least this was the theory back in the late 1970’s.  My mother was determined to prove them wrong and I had YEARS of speech therapy and language training. Now, I do speak as my primary means of communication but my voice is a bit different. I also know some ASL but am not fluent.

    In the USA, most medical offices by law are required to provide an interpreter if they are asked for one.  If someone prefers to have another speak for them, it might be required to obtain written or verbal permission but it’s otherwise allowed and not questioned. Aside from my wife, my mother is allowed to speak to medical professionals on my behalf - mostly because she knows my history as well as I do.  I do have to authorize it first, when dealing with insurance, etc.  It is a huge pain in the ass, that’s for sure….but it is what it is. 

    Unfortunately, I don’t have as much time for advocacy as I’d like to.  I was hoping that at some point in my career I would connect with a deaf client that I could relate to and help to reach their fullest potential but at this time, I don’t think I want to focus completely on the deaf population.  Don’t get me wrong - I can relate on every level - I’m just not sure I’m at that point, yet.  A lot of my trauma is related to my disability and I have some work to do on that, first.

    ❤️

  7. @GreySock - absolutely! She still tries to speak for me.  I was also six years old at the time, and in speech therapy, needed to rely on lip reading….(still do!) and my mother was one of the only people I communicated with regularly.  I can see why they let things be and didn’t question her presence there.

    I am so forever grateful for the internet and technology!!!  So much has been made easier for me - most of all, communication! :) 

  8. Thanks @GreySock!

    I can see and understand why kids are likely to backpedal whenever in the company of their parents - this was back in the early 80s and thankfully social workers have become more aware and the field has evolved tremendously.  Sadly, the 80’s social workers were very inexperienced and very possibly missed a lot of things - not just with me but with many others.  

    I do think my mother wouldn’t allow them to speak to me without being there.  She used my disability (deafness) any which way she could and often made it seem as if she needed to be there with me to ‘interpret’ or to help me to understand in case I couldn’t communicate with them.  She made a career out of inserting herself into situations, getting involved in things that do not have anything to do with her.  It’s ALL I have known her to do, and to this day, (and even though she is hinging on elderly), she is constantly prying or trying to use the ‘my daughter is deaf’ excuse so that she can be ‘involved.’  On one hand, I never have to worry about making phone calls or appointments - but it does get annoying when it is personal or is stuff I don’t want her meddling into.  :shrug: 

    Anyway, thanks for reaching out!  Hope you are having a good week!

    - Cap

  9. Hi, @Alighierie, and thank you for your feedback.  I’m sorry to hear you are in the same boat and that your people-pleasing has been the reason you stayed in two abusive relationships for too long.  That’s definitely not fair but unfortunately is something we as survivors tend to do more often than not.  Even more disturbing is the fact that those we are trying to constantly please are often aware of it as well and take advantage of it.

    I think that in focusing too much on others’ appeasement, I’d forgotten how to make myself happy and to make sure I was good.  It also didn’t really matter for a long time - dealing with traumas past and present, kept me ambiguous.  I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of opportunities to be truly happy and to be my true self.  I only started to focus more on my own needs in recent years.  I know it’s hard - it really is.

    One step at a time, Cody.  We’ll get there! Thanks again for reaching out.  Hoping you are having a good day.  Do something awesome for yourself at some point in the next few days.  You deserve it and to self-please!  (It does start from within, right?)

    ❤️

    - Cap

  10. Hey, @LisaButterfly !!!  Nice to see you back!!  I, too, always enjoy reading your words.  I'm very touched to hear that I had a little something to do with providing some validation in the power to heal using the written word. ❤️ Although sometimes my words do not flow, (seems to happen quite often these days) there is a feeling of peace and calm when I sit down to try to transfer thoughts into text.  It does happen eventually, those words do find their way onto the screen and I ALWAYS feel a little less 'congested' afterwards.

    My apologies for taking so long to get back to you.  Life has certainly kept me busy.  As well as sick - I came down with some kind of 72-hour bug over last weekend.  I am starting (not quite there yet) to feel more human, though, so thought I would send you the response you deserved - and a big ol' hug because I've missed you! :hug: 

    How lovely that you and your husband have experience taking wedding photos!  I was married once before (to a not very nice guy) and we had a very simple, city hall wedding - followed by breakfast at a diner.  My dad took the photos.  LOL.  This is my first time going the not-that-simple route, as well as my bride's.....we are excited.  I'll see if I can find a way to get some of the wedding photos shared - because, why not? 😉 We have booked the photographers, we have booked the deejay....we've both gotten our dresses....now what remains is the rest of it....flowers, gifts for the bridal party, invitations, registry stuff, putting together the favors, the centerpieces.....

    It'll look like a pretty busy summer, that's for sure. :) Between trying to get everything ready and set up and trying to get full-time hours, either at my current job or at a new place.  The stress is thick - but trying to combat it all by taking one step at a time.

    Hope life's been treating you well and that you stick around a bit!  You have been missed.  

    Huggles!

    - Cappy

  11. Thank you, friend!!!  I haven't been icing anything.  There is minimal swelling and my bruises are just warm to the touch.  Touches are painful, so I'm just taking it easy. Ironic, isn't it, that they were caused by ice! 😄 This'll be one of my funny, but not funny moments that I look back on once I'm all healed up!  

    Big hugs right back atcha, Finchy!!!  

  12. Thank you, friends.  Feeling a little more human, now - but also more exhausted.  :zzz:

    There's been a change with my job and rather than dwell on the things I didn't like too much about these changes, I instead opted for the distraction route and took a running dive into a world of organizing, alphabetizing, pushing, filing, & shredding papers, faxing, printing, all of that (NOT) fun office stuff....and have been working FT hours for the last couple weeks.  I can barely keep my eyes open after midnight on weekdays, which most of you already know is highly unusual for me.  On one hand, this is a good thing, and means my sleep habits are changing from abnormal to semi-abnormal...on the other, I'm feeling like I still have YEARS of sleep to catch up on!  Mornings suck and I'm needing my coffee, BIG time.  Thank goodness for Dunkin' Donuts, which is conveniently located next door...

    I've missed you all, and deeply appreciate all the love. 

    ❤️

    Cap

  13. @Bay, I'm so sorry to hear that some of our circumstances were similar.  Knowing how much this experience has changed my life; it makes it both comforting and disheartening to hear that I am not alone in the feelings of self-blame and guilt.  It's taken a long while (I'm 42 now) to cut myself a little bit of slack and to understand that at the time, I simply did what I felt was the best thing to do...surely this is the case for you as well.  NONE of it is your fault...not what happened, not how you dealt with the aftermath of it, and certainly not the choice made by someone else to harm you.  

    Welcome to AS, by the way, I do hope that being here will help you to find some peace and healing. ❤️ I'm always around if ever you'd like to talk.

    Best wishes, and thank you for your feedback!  I appreciate it greatly.

    - Cap

  14. @jazz101 - thank you ❤️ I appreciate that.  Sometimes it's hard to see all the progress we've made, but hearing it from others is a nice reminder.  To heal is a long, grueling journey but I know you have it in you, and am rooting for you!!

    @behindthesehazeleyes - I know I wrote them, but those words still stick with me, too.  I was there, I lived it, yet there's so MUCH that I really didn't process at the moment, and so much that I'd spent years tip-toeing around, just so I didn't have to deal with them in the moment.  Unfortunately they don't disappear and it seems the only way to get these feelings to subside a little is to acknowledge them and I've never really been too good at that.  Even now, approaching 25 years, I'm noticing that I have a bit more that's lingering and I see another blog entry in my very near future.  

    I am glad you've bookmarked the rest of the story for a time when you're in a better frame of mind to read, I appreciate so much your comment and your taking the time to visit!  You are definitely not alone and you've got an ally in me.   We'll get through this autumn together.  If you need to talk, don't hesitate to reach out. ❤️ 

    - Cap

  15. I did smile at the thought of you and your wonderful husband, G, cherishing the time spent together making dinner.  You make something as simple as meal prep sound like something straight out of a fairy tale. :)  The wine, the music, the chatting, the sharing of kitchen duties, it all sounds so nice.  

    (Not at all like dinner prep at my house which is often nothing short of chaotic....there's me (wo)manning the kitchen as best as I can, three cats who jump on the counters to investigate the 'smells,' a dog who is one day going to burn his nose, a son and daughter who will come in and 'help' by way of taste-testing and reducing the amount of food that officially makes it to the table....LOL.)

    I am saddened you had a terrible relationship experience before he came along - but so, very, very pleased to see that he is loving, kind and attentive.  You so deserve all of the wonderfulness that G makes you feel.  I am sure you are a blessing to him, too.

    Congratulations on the new position - another deserved milestone!  I am sorry for the prattish behavior that you are having to deal with and for the triggers this brings up for you.  Keep that chin up and keep rocking the position.  I think your strategy is spot-on - just keep at the awesomeness and let him be seen for the ass he is making himself out to be. ❤️ 

    - Cap

  16. Hey, Poppy - just want you to know that I am proud of you for taking the initiative to get yourself the help you needed to pull yourself out of that terrible, dark place that you were finding yourself trapped in.  There is nothing scarier than that feeling of not wanting to be alive anymore.  It's scary for you, and it's scary for the people who care about you.  I know it does not often feel that way, but there are many who are in your corner.  I'm truly glad you're seeing that your life is, while turbulent right now, is still worth living.  I know you for a while, now, and know that you still have a whole lot of wonderful to experience.  💕

    It is unfortunate that ANYONE has to struggle, but sometimes it's helpful to remember that struggle is another way of slowly, but surely getting yourself to where you want to be.  I know you have a lot of determination within you and that you've got this.

    Even better, you've rediscovered your passion for writing!  :)  Keep at it, my friend.  

    Luv ya!

    - Cap

  17. @LisaButterfly - I'm looking forward to that coffee-sharing someday. :)  That sounds truly wonderful.  And yes, absolutely no negative messages will be displayed on the mugs - I insist on choosing the ones that have just uplifting, positive snippits!  The mugs of manipulation have since been banished to the very back of the cabinet where they'll likely remain until the kitchen remodel takes place.  As I've no plans to do that anytime soon, I think I have a few years to forget they exist. 😉

    I'm indeed feeling MUCH better nowadays.  Still have the occasional headache here and there but for the most part - feeling more human.  :) 

    Thank you, Lisa, for the kind words and the feedback, and for keeping up with your blog.  I'm finding them very enjoyable - you've definitely got a craft for it!

    - Cap

  18. Loving your writing. :)  If it's hair you wish to write about, then, so be it! There are no rights or wrongs when it comes to blogging - whatever's on the horizon is what we bloggers are likely to address - and today, it's hair.  It's all good, hun!

    My deepest congratulations on this empowering change you've made for yourself!  Undoubtedly this isn't a decision you arrived at easily or lightly, but I'm glad you're happy with this decision.  

    Enjoy the hair-free dinners! 😉

    - Cap

  19. @abhaya - there's never any pressure to give anything more than what you have.  Please know that this community appreciates all of the support you have given and all of the contributions you've made.  I know I've said this many times and will gladly say it to anyone who might need to hear it - it's OKAY to NOT BE OKAY.  Remember, these are temporary feelings and not going to last forever.  You'll get your spoons back - I promise.  

    Sending you love and hugs - hoping this finds you in a better place now that a few weeks have gone by.  Looking forward to hearing how you've been. 

    - Cap

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