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Everything posted by Capulet

  1. Hello, @PearlofMary - it's so nice to hear from you. Thank you for the very kind words. I agree there are a lot of 'aha' moments; some don't require too much thinking and others catch us WAY off-guard. I hope your puzzle begins to 'take shape,' too and that some of those pieces that have been 'unconnected' are able to begin interlocking for you. I wish I could say it's a good feeling when that does happen, but I suppose we can take comfort in knowing that neither one of us alone. I hope you are taking gentle care of yourself these days! ❤️ Here if you ever needed to talk. All the best, - Cap
  2. Thank you, @AKB. I know I'm not. I feel the love and support of all of my AS family. It comes as highly needed and I know I can count on everyone. ❤️
  3. I'm on a roll, it seems, with these blogs. I simply have too much time to think these days. It seems it's all I do. When something baffles me - this is my drawing board. I'm reminded of the evidence room whiteboard with scribbled notes and pictures and the strings connecting one to the other....that is an accurate assessment of my brain right now. There's all this information, all these images. I know there's more to it, and so I'm constantly and obsessively going over it. Over, and over again. First off, I wanna thank those who provided me with the requested hugs and who checked in on me last night when I was having a moment while trying to release my last blog. I really didn't feel 'right' talking about (or rather, complaining about) things that really can't be helped. I know nobody has it easy right now, and my 'inner voice' was telling me that I have no room to complain. I debated whether or not to post and whether to delete the whole damn thing, but a friend wisely reminded me that I'd likely be pissed off with myself if I deleted. And so, I posted - but felt terrible for it. I can't explain fully the reasons behind my guilt over complaining but sure as shit, this is a project for a different whiteboard. This one is full enough. So, I've been trying to find more of a connection between how things are now and how things were in 1996. This morning, I woke up and scared the shit out of my sleeping dog as I said it out loud. Maybe, just maybe, a little too loudly. "I've fucking got it! It's the communication barrier!" That's the connection. I knew it had something to do with the ongoing pandemic, I just had a feeling, though, that it was something a little more specific than the feelings of isolation and disconnect. And this is it. In 1996, it was my inability to communicate by means of making a telephone call (a cab, a friend, etc) that ultimately led to my rape. Texting wasn't invented, yet. There was absolutely NO way for me to 'call out' or to ask for someone to come pick me up and bring me home. There would be no lips or words for me to read. I was truly trapped. It was this communication barrier that left me no choice but to ask for help - and doing so resulted in trauma. And now, here in 2020 - I'm feeling this communication barrier again. Of course, technologically wise, we are in a much more advanced place, but this does not change the fact that I still can't see lips whenever I'm out and about, at a store, at an appointment, ordering food. I am forced into have to ask for help more than I'm comfortable with (for example, if I need to speak to someone and read their lips, I'm HAVING to explain that I'm hearing impaired and that i need for them to either lower masks or write things down) and I HATE this...because of 1996, I absolutely fucking hate this. Mind. Blowing. 🤯 I would say I'm gonna puke, but I've had nothing to eat, yet. Still, my stomach's in knots. Did I really just figure this out? - Cap
  4. Welcome, @SlynZ to After Silence!!! Although I'm sorry for the circumstances that have led you here, I'm glad you've found us and I do hope that being here brings you connection, peace and healing. You are not alone, here - many are in the same boat and you'll find an overwhelming amount of support within this community. Take your time looking around and jump in, anytime. Best wishes, Capulet
  5. Another blog entry? So soon? Even for me, this is odd... Though it's a bit untraditional of me to post two days in a row, I'm hearing my brain say, 'just run with it, Cappy. Just write.' So, I guess, I will. Maybe this is the way to make peace with what I've been feeling and what's needed for me to altogether snap out of it. Perhaps in order to put this year's 'traumaversary period' to rest, I am needing to understand what exactly happened this year. I can't deny that it felt DIFFERENT this year. I don't even have the words readily available to thoroughly explain it, but I'm going to try. Maybe it will help me, maybe it will help you - either way, it's needing to be written out. All right, so, I did some thinking last night. It occurred in waves, actually. I was reflecting on past traumaversaries and trying to figure out why this year's was so hard for me. I talked about feeling as if I was here but not mentally present, I discussed feelings of extreme disconnect from EVERYTHING that is (or even isn't) important to me. Things that would normally excite me? Nothing. Things that would piss me off? I didn't give a shit. Everything I did was on autopilot and my shields were up. If it was going to upset me, I didn't want to hear it. If it was going to cause my mind to go into a direction I wanted to avoid, I'd do just that - I'd avoid it and it'd deflect off the imaginary shields. I was, to put it simply - just existing. I know I haven't been my normal self and have been trying to figure out why. None of this was making sense. My last trauma was 24 years ago. While I know that trauma doesn't disappear and it stays with you for life, this was an inconsistent traumaversary and felt 'out of order.' See, I remember my FIRST traumaversary following the rape in 1996. The same feelings of disconnect and overall 'off-ness' was there, but those were also accompanied by nightmares, flashbacks, memories that would reduce me into a panicky mess. My ten-year traumaversary wasn't as extreme. The flashbacks were significantly lessened by then. Even the feelings of disconnect were there, but they were not this strong. And this one I just had? It felt as if the feelings of disconnect and isolation were dominant over any and everything else, and were I daresay, worse than I felt ten years ago. I honestly don't remember having this much trouble in a LONG time. I guess to explain - it isn't the memories, really, that I'm struggling with right now. I have not had a flashback (not an extreme one, rather...there are occasional moments where I'll have to pause for a second to regain control of my thoughts, but there have not been flashbacks that have overwhelmed me) in a long time. By no means am I 'over it,' let me make that clear - I'm not. The memories still exist, and I live with them every day. I live a life that I have no choice to live, for where I am today, I would NOT be if not for that event. It is a permanent part of me, now, and while it doesn't define me, it's still a stain in the fabric that is me. A stain that I'll spend the rest of my life trying to scrub until it's less noticeable, lighter, 'blended in.' At this point, I've been walking around with this stain for twenty-four years, and have done pretty well in keeping it hidden and less noticeable by others. There are some I am comfortable showing this part of me to, and others I am not. I have somehow managed to maintain control over who I share my true self with and whom I'm better off keeping in the dark. But anyway - I seem to have gone off on a tangent. What was I saying...oh, yes. It's not the memories. While they still exist, they are, for the most part, manageable with a reminder to myself that I am safe now. So, what's different this year? Why is it taking me this much time to 'bounce back?' That's what I have been trying to figure out for days, now. Why do I feel like this, now? Do I have to look beyond the traumaversary period? What's going on BEFORE the beginning of the fall? It hit me then. It's the fucking pandemic. It's the clusterfuck that is 2020. I had the virus, you know? I didn't share with too many people when I had it. I carried on with whatever was going on in my life then. School, home, family. It was in the beginning of April and my fiancee was hospitalized the morning she received a positive test. I didn't have a test administered, but the symptoms were there and I'd been in close contact with my fiancee - which made me guilty by association. My senses of taste and smell went away for nearly a week. I did not run any fevers, but I had the chills, I had the fatigue, I had the chest tightness and I had the god-awful COVID headache that is damned-near impossible to put into words. It felt as if my head were replaced by a boulder and the headache radiated from the temples all the way down to the back of my neck. There was no motivation to do anything. I would wake up in the morning and it would be HARD to get up out of bed. Still, I pushed myself and I forced myself to get up, take a shower, eat a small meal and to complete whatever schoolwork needing to be done - we were still in the middle of our Spring semester, and although I probably could have gotten an extension on a few things, I didn't want to give myself any reason to slack off. As is, my J spent six days in the hospital, on oxygen, and while running high fevers, too. She got hit far worse than I did, and it didn't feel right to complain. I took care of myself, for the most part, and of my son who was quarantined with me and had even fewer symptoms than I did. I guess this is a combination of my own thinking of having to deal with my problems, myself - but also because there was nothing anyone could do for any of us beyond making store runs for us or bringing us meals. The virus went away, J and I and the Son made a full recovery. Our symptoms passed. But the pandemic did not. Things got worse. Numbers went up. Businesses were shut down. Schools were closed for the remainder of the year. League bowling was cancelled. MLB was postponed several months. We couldn't go out without seeing people walking around with surgical masks covering their faces. This was before all the hand-made masks and scarves were out - really early on when we all thought it'd be over within a few weeks. It was nothing short of what you'd see in a Twilight Zone episode. Those who were saying 'this will pass and be over soon,' were now saying, 'oh, shit, this is serious!' This affected me in a different way, though, than I imagine it affected most. Many of you know already about my hearing impairment and that I rely on reading lips. I do know some signing on an intermediate level, but that doesn't really help when it comes to going to grocery stores or to order food. Usually, the person taking care of me or who helps me is not somoene who is 'in the know' on how to communicate with a deaf person. Since not being allowed into stores without a face covering is now a 'new normal,' it is safe to deduce that these feelings of isolation started way back in April. Aha.... And they've not gotten better. We have been forced, all over the world, to adapt to these social changes and to accept them as 'new rules.' The masks are understandably for protection - mine and others' - I get that. But I am now having to deal with a HUGE communication barrier whenever I go out. This has resulted in my not even wanting to leave the house anymore. If it's necessary for me to go out, I will - but for the most part....I want nothing to do with what's 'out there.' I've felt myself retreating back into the self-isolation patterns I'd gotten used to, and then had to force myself to emerge from. Aha!!!!! Aha!!! Ding, ding, ding!!! 💡 It makes sense. I've been feeling this isolation and disconnection for MONTHS before my early October traumaversary. This was not a sudden onset, but a gradual one, and to have my traumaversary roll up at a time when I was already feeling so off-put by the world around me seems to have magnified it all. This has to be it! See, I've never really been a social person. Y'all know that already. I do not like crowded settings, I don't like being around too many people. I purposely kept myself distanced from large groups and continue to do so. It's just my nature at this point. And last Fall, I certainly agonized (as many of you likely remember from previous blog entries) about having to step into situations involving large groups of people when I made the decision to go back to school. There was anxiety for many reasons, really, but this stepping out of my comfort zone was one of them. Point is, it took me several weeks to become used to this. To get past that mental hurdle of putting myself back out there. And....guess what? I was actually starting to like it. I will not say that I leapt into it enthusiastically - because I didn't. I took baby steps. I got into the car every morning, drove to campus, went to my classes and went home. If I had a break in between classes, I sat myself at a little table in the student center - and I sat alone. I opened up my laptop and caught up on some work, all while I watched the students around me interact. Never did I feel as if I 'belonged' in the past, and I certainly didn't now, being 20 years older than the majority of them. I was out there, but I still kept to myself and did what was normal and comfortable. I guess just being out there is all that really mattered and counted. I also had a choice of how much of myself I put out there, of who I wanted to communicate with, who I could see myself becoming friendly with. And while I made out well with a new friend by the end of the fall semester, the arrival of the pandemic this past spring has definitely, without a doubt, set me back to where I started - further back, if that's possible. Now, there are restrictions and very little choice. I have to resort to a lot of guesswork and nodding when needing to ask for help at a store, pick up a prescription, order through drive-thru windows...(that last one isn't new but it still sucks) and medical appointments. I hate to ask anyone to lower their masks when they speak to me - because then I'm asking them to put themselves at risk. And so, this is hard. Very hard. It's depleted desire to be 'out there' down to none. I think this all became a reality when I walked into a Dunkin' Donuts with the intention of buying an iced coffee and I'd forgotten my mask in the car. The girl behind the counter pointed to a sign that said, 'no mask, no service.' My mask was in the car...hanging from the rearview. I could have just gone to get it and returned to the counter, but instead, I just left. Fuck it. I have absolutely no motivation to even TRY to go out there and perform normal activities and duties. Simple things. Go shopping. Pick up curbside food. Visit family. (And that last one, I don't know how to explain...maybe the hesitation has to do with my delightful mother being her usual lovely self?) None of it interests me, and it's taking everything in me to not come down with a cold and cancel my trip to New Jersey this weekend to see my niece for her birthday and meet my brand-new niece born a month ago. I know it sounds like an overall nice trip - and there's a teeny-tiny baby involved - I just feel that the traumaversary as well as the months of being in isolation has done a significant amount of messing with my head, my mood and my overall emotional state. Guys... I am realizing at this point that I don't like how I'm sounding right now and am trying to refrain from deleting this whole entry that I've been working on for pretty much all day. I know that I'm not the only one dealing with this. That's impossible. Others are struggling, too. In different ways than I am, yes, but still struggling to cope with the changes they've had to get used to in the last several months. People have died. People have lost loved ones to the virus. My fiancee almost died. I battled it for two weeks and made a full, uncomplicated recovery. And here I am - complaining. This just doesn't feel right.... I apologize in advance if all of the above is taken in an offensive manner - please know that none of it is intentional. I'm clearly having difficulty finding the right words to effectively explain what's been swimming around in my brain waves lately. It is not meant for me to appear as if I'm making this about me because I'm well aware that this is about all of us. It truly is my hope to explain why all of this has caused existing feelings to snowball when the season shifted from Summer to Fall....I'm just hoping that's how it's taken by those of you who have read up to this point. I know I could have posted all of this in the Pandemic Discussion board but this space felt to be a more appropriate home for all of this. I guess just don't like myself very much these days. I think that's what it boils down to. I want the old me back. I want the me who laughed more often, who celebrated the little victories, who actually enjoyed spending time with my family (especially my nieces and nephew). The cautious me who had a choice as to how much or how little of myself I chose to share. The me who looked forward to finishing school and achieving goals, the me who embraced order and consistency and the me who had a plan for everything. The me who was able to more easily break away from the activities done in isolation. Lately, I've only wanted to burrow myself deeper into this darkness, but I know that's not a healthy nor a preferred move. I just don't like not knowing how this is going to affect me (and, of course, others) next week. Next month. Next year. How fucking long is this going to last??? I want...no, I NEED to snap out of this state and to reconnect. And I know that a huge part of this world's returning to normalcy is for people to exercise caution and to....continue to wear masks and to practice social distancing. I know I need to be patient and to suck it up, because for the greater good, this is a necessary evil that is far larger than me. I just hope there IS an upcoming end to all of this insanity and ugliness and uncertainty. I know we all do. The good news is - I already do feel a little bit of the trauma-related heaviness beginning to lift. The traumaversary day is long gone, and I'm thinking this is why I'm able to come up with all of this tonight. There were just too many variables in front of me and this was not allowing for me to do the mental troubleshooting that I normally do. I thank you all for reading if you've made it this far. I know this blog entry was longer than yesterday's. I guess I got rid of a lot of brain traffic but there's still some leftover congestion that perhaps sleep and a good cry will help to clear up. My love to you all. - Cap
  6. All right.  I need a hug.  Or two.  Or two hundred...

    1. Show previous comments  12 more
    2. Eph320NY


      Well, then. Here are the hugs!:hug::hug:

    3. Capulet



      Back atcha, all of you!  

    4. Free2Fly


      Thanks cap :) , kinda needed one I'm a bit under the weather today. Hope all is okay with you?

  7. These three little words are certainly ones to live by - especially if you're me. Starting at the end of last month, these have been words I'd wake up to. Was I ready for another day of feeling disconnected from everyone including myself? Another day of contending with that unwelcome feeling of impending doom? Another day of cloudiness, and feeling as if I'm surrounded by a fog? Another 24 hours of reminders that fall is in full swing, now? I'd tell myself as I pull myself out of bed every morning - 'I'll just proceed with caution.' What this means to me is, I'm gonna wing it, just as I've been doing for the past few weeks. When I have to go outside, I'm going to inhale and exhale, I'm not going to look at the 'pretty leaves,' I'm gonna do whatever I need to do in order to get through each day that I wake up feeling like I'm stuck in that limbo place between awake and asleep. Forgetfulness is a BIG thing these days, and while I'm usually good at remembering things, this has been one such casualty of this year's transition into the Fall season. I don't want to say this is dissociation because I've done plenty of that in the past. This is different. It's more like I'm on autopilot and am going through all the motions - I just don't feel very 'present' these days even though I'm wide awake. This is SUCH a hard feeling to explain, but I'm thinking most of you get the gist. ❤️ If you ask my mother, I'm a a terrible daughter. The Oompa had a (minor) surgery scheduled the morning after my traumaversary. I'd known this for at least two weeks prior to the date, and even though this was ALL the Oompa would talk about...I still forgot. My sister's text on the evening of her surgery came as a surprise: "Mom's out of surgery and doing well." I broke down into a combination of swearing and crying. I forgot. I completely, totally, fucking FORGOT. I KNEW she was going to come at me with the 'why didn't you call me to wish me luck on Sunday (my traumaversary, and the night before her surgery)?' Sure enough - when I'd pulled myself together, I called her to see how she was feeling. She didn't waste any time. Proceed with caution, I thought to myself as she yelled at me and basically made me feel like dog shit on the bottom of someone's shoe for not being attentive to her needs and for calling her the night before she had her surgery, or even the morning OF her surgery to wish her luck. She couldn't even BEGIN to understand what was on my mind on Sunday, and why none of it had anything to do with her having a stone removed endoscopically. I certainly didn't expect her to understand, either, so I told her that I had no excuse for it and that I was sorry. Of course, I DID have a reason to not be focused on a minor surgery, but as it was not a reason I'm going to disclose to her, I quietly accepted the responsibility and the accompanying bitching-out. "I want you closer!" she also said. And she wasn't really talking about the two hour's drive from my house to hers - she was talking about....being emotionally and mentally closer to her. More attentive toward her and toward my sisters and my nieces and nephew. Cringe. The kids, I don't mind at all - they are loved deeply and I'm proud to be their auntie, but I don't want that kind of a relationship with her. It just doesn't feel possible. Many of you already know of my issues with my mother, but I won't get into all of that, here. I just do not feel emotionally capable, at this time, of being close to her. Because I'm too nice, I didn't have the heart to tell her that there's no desire to, either - not right now, anyway. My sisters aren't too bad, but I've NEVER been close to them - even before I lived two hours away. I'd lived fifteen minutes away from them at one point and would still, only see them for holidays and birthdays. The same as now. We're all fine with this arrangement, by the way - it's just the Oompa who has an illusion of the three of her daughters existing in harmony and being each other's best friend. That's simply not happening. And so I proceeded with caution, and let her know that of COURSE, if the surgery were more-than-minor, I'd have been there and I'd have shared in the 'burden of taking care of her.' Meanwhile, here I am, not having someone taking care of me. And that's mainly because that's how I've always wanted it and, strangely - needed for it to be. I'll take care of myself. This is often mistaken as me 'pushing others away' but it's simply me doing what I'm used to doing, what I've trained myself to do for the last twenty-four years. That drives my mother absolutely insane, too. She wants to feel needed, she wants to have something to hold over others' heads. 'I do for you, so you must do for me.' Maybe that's partially why I adapted to the 'fuck it, I'll do it, myself' mindset. Of course, we also already know that I have issues with asking for help...with anything at all, even the simple, superficial tasks like dishes or laundry. I know that to some, I've been an inadequate support system lately. I know I'm not mentally available. I've done my best to let those close to me know that I'm needing patience and time to let all of this run its course. I thank those who have reached out, who have checked in and who have reminded me that they are there to talk if I've needed it. I apologize for being a shitty friend lately - and I hope you'll believe me when I say I'm not trying to be. I'm just needing to be my own friend right now, and I'm seemingly failing at that, too. I haven't been out of the house more than three times in the last three weeks. All three times, it's been to go league bowling. I've not gone grocery shopping, I've not gone to get myself a gelati from Rita's before they close for the winter season, I've only ventured outside based on necessity. As many are aware now, we got our puppy a couple months ago. Though he's adorable and he's loved by us all, he was the wife's idea. He's not 100% potty trained, so as I'm the only one home during the day, I'm also the one who has to bring him outside every two hours or so to do his business. And because he likes to take his time, I threw myself into, 'well, as long as I'm waiting for the dog, let me pull the weeds over here....' This turned into 'Project Winterize the Back Yard,' and also something ELSE I could throw myself into doing, if it meant I didn't have to sit and think about anything or try to explain the feelings of being disconnected from everything. I don't count this as leaving the house, either, as I'd do a little bit of pulling every day while I was also waiting for the dog to finish up whatever he's doing, and once he's finished, both of our asses are back inside. I've thrown myself into schoolwork. I had a midterm last week, this week, and there's another one next week. I spend 90% o the time I'm sitting in my chair, also doing something having to do with school. This, too, keeps my mind from drifting into never-never-land and from falling deeper into a pit of 'where the fuck am I?' My traumaversary was a week ago, and I'm JUST now starting to feel the fog lifting, some. The sun is peeking in through the clouds. I'm not there, yet, and am still 'proceeding with caution.' Even now, there's more I want to say but there are very few words. Just getting this small amount (if you compare my previous blogs to this, it seems MUCH shorter) out has been an accomplishment. Safe to say today's a win! - Cap
  8. Welcome back, @CJ8258!!! If you had an account 10 years ago that you'd like to 'bring back,' please shoot me a PM. I'm happy to help you to reconnect with that account, especially if you've already got an established screen name and post count. 😉 All the best, Capulet
  9. Today's laughing moment....took doggy's bed and put it on top of the crate so that I could sweep his mess....I turn around and THIS is what I see....  🤦‍♀️


    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. MeBeMary


      Such a cutie! Love those ears! :throb:  

    3. LisaButterfly


      Love this so much! What a sweet (and cheeky) dog. 😉

    4. Eph320NY


      So adorable!

  10. Hello, @Sobieski!!! Welcome to After Silence! Wishing you all the best in your journey of healing! Best wishes, Capulet
  11. Welcome, Elizabeth! I'm so glad you are safe, now. I hope you find peace, comfort, friendship and healing, here. All the best, Cap
  12. I was walking the dog in the front yard yesterday afternoon. The Daughter, who's been attending school remotely 3x per week (the other two days, she is IN the actual brick-and-mortar school) came out and said she was finished with her last class (it was about 2:45pm) and in a sing-songy voice, she says, "it's the weeeeeeeeekend!" I suppose it is. TGIF? At the time I started writing this, it was still Friday. She then tilted her head towards the heavens, and smiled. "I can smell it." I looked at the dog. Had he taken a shit and she'd stepped in it? Negative. No dog shit. I sniffed. Maybe a neighbor was barbecuing? Maybe someone had a fire pit going? The smell of burning wood IS one that I like - but nope. I smelled nothing. Nothing at all. If not for me smelling the dog's ACTUAL poop that morning, I'd have started sniffing everything that was possible to sniff - just to make sure that I wasn't sick - during the wifey's and my COVID experience in April, we'd both lost our sense of smell for nearly a week. When I was certain I'd smelled SOMETHING recently (perhaps the dog shit from that morning?) I turned to my daughter. "OK, what do you smell?" I finally asked her. "Fall!" She said, "I smell it. It's coming. It's in the air!" I gave a short nod. "Oh." Y'all know I hate the fall. My daughter, unfortunately, does not. And why not? She's a teenager, she hates everything else! She hates school, she hates homework, she hates certain people on certain days of the week. Why couldn't she hate the Fall, too? All the colors changing, the cooler nights, the hoodie weather, the being-able-to-be-outside-without-underboob-sweat? If I'm being honest, these are actually nice things, the scenery is breathtaking, the hoodies are for SURE my go-to when there's that not-too-cold chill in the air - they get me through the 'regular' winters (to this day, I don't own a winter coat) and it's the season for pumpkin-spiced everything. Nothing screams "FALL" louder than the arrival of such a delightful flavor. And damn it, I DO like the pumpkin spice - it's just not available until...well, now. And, damn it, this kid got my brain wheels turning. AS SOON AS SHE SAID THAT. And it wasn't the nice things I was thinking about, either. I handed her the dog's leash and told her to see if she could get him to poop. Rationally, I already know that we are transitioning out of summer and into what comes next. The same thing that 'came next' for the last twenty-four years. That almost-automatic foreboding feeling, though - was starting to sink in. I'd be lying if I said it started right then at that moment - but, no. I'd already noticed the shorter and cooler evenings, the frosty breaths while the dog goes out for the last time before bed. We are still green as far as leaves go, but the signs are all there. Halloween candy has appeared on the store shelves. The 'limited edition' scents are being released - Apple Cinnamon, Pumpkin this, Pumpkin that, Apple-Pumpkin, Roasted Marshmallow, you name it, Bath and Body Works probably has a sickening amount of it in overstock. I can't explain this feeling, though. I know, though, that I don't have to. You all get it. I'm not by any means 'cured.' I still remember my trauma (at least, the 1996 one) as if it were only yesterday. While the nightmares and flashbacks very rarely occur anymore, there is still somewhat of a cloud that rolls in around this time of year, and just....stays in place for a few weeks. I'm more on edge, I'm easily annoyed and irritated, I'm snappy. My sleeping habits go from weird to weirder. I spend a good amount of time internalizing and playing the avoidance game - having a ton of schoolwork does admittedly help keep me focused on ANYTHING BUT my thoughts. Not sure if all of that is good or bad, but like all else, it'll have to run its course. Tonight's journal entry will be a short one and was intended to be one, also. I just wanted to share the 'ugh' feeling that is settling in for a visit. I certainly hope this year's 'fall season' is a brief one and I can get to complaining about the snow... Wishing everyone a good rest of the weekend! - Cap
  13. Leaving this here, because, really, who can't smile at this????

    Have a great weekend, everyone. ❤️ 


    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. BrightSide


      Hello Apollo 😃 Thank you Cap, I hope you have a lovely weekend too!

    3. 8888


      Adorable pup!

    4. mango_star1
  14. I love, love, LOVE this. ❤️ It's true, too. One day at a time is the ONLY thing we can do. So - I wanna be the first to welcome you to After Silence. I'm so sorry to learn that you've only known abusive relationships. Until I met my fiancee twelve years ago, I'd only known toxicity as well. I'm glad though, that you are, for the moment, safe. I do hope that being here and being surrounded by those who understand will help for you to feel more supported and a bit less alone. Hang in there - these dark times can become overwhelming but hopefully you will find that they are only temporary. Please take gentle care of yourself - you deserve peace, comfort and healing. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey. Best wishes, Capulet
  15. Capulet


    Hi @D£stiny and welcome to After Silence!!! I'm sorry that you often feel alone and sad. We understand that, completely. Hopefully you will see you are not alone, here, and that many are in the same boat. I'm called Cap and I'm one of the site's moderators. You'll soon be hearing from a member of our Newbie Support Team who will be sending you some additional information about our site. In the meantime, if you have any questions, please don't hesitate to give me a holler. Again, welcome. Sending you warmth and positive healing vibes, Cap
  16. Capulet


    Hello Tami. Welcome to the site! I'm sorry to learn you have experienced intimate partner abuse. I do hope that being here is helpful and that it will make you feel less alone. Many can relate and I hope that you will gain tons of support from those who understand exactly what you are going through. Sending you warmth and positivity! I am just a shout away if you have any questions about the site. Wishing you all the best and supporting you in your healing process! - Capulet
  17. Hello Jeanie! Welcome to After Silence. I'm sorry to learn of the circumstances that have led you to our community, but do hope that being here is helpful in clarifying some things for you. It seems we're on a constant quest for answers and I do hope that hearing from others who have been or are currently in the same boat will help guide you into the direction of healing!! Personally, I don't know anything about those pills. I agree with Mary - it's a notably huge step when we focus on our self-care amid all the other intrusive and unpleasant thoughts that are likely rushing through your mind right now - good for you on taking action to ensure that your physical health is a priority. The rest will follow suit! How are you doing today? Sending warmth and healing vibes, Cap
  18. @Tearsonmypillow - Hi there! Welcome to the site, and thank you so much for dropping by. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I didn't 'see' what was happening to me at the hands (or mouth) of my ex-husband until after we'd separated and our divorce was pending. I think that when we're too close to a situation, it's very difficult to see the toxicity within. You are absolutely right - spousal rape is abuse. It need only happen ONCE for it to be abuse. I do agree that both your husband and my ex-husband have good qualities within - they must have - there was a time when we loved them. When things change, it truly is disheartening and heartbreaking. I hope you know that NONE of this is your fault, and that there is absolutely NO justification for a husband to treat his wife like this. Where do we start to pick up the pieces? Well - this is different for everyone. I'm glad you're here, though, this is truly a supportive community and a good place to begin communicating and connecting with others who are currently or who have been in the same boat. A support system is vital. We do have a Domestic Violence forum here, and you're welcome to look around there and see if some of the posts there are relatable - because I do think you will find that you're not alone in your thoughts. It's not an easy situation to break away from, especially when there are children involved, but it's not impossible. If you'd like to talk privately sometime, you're welcome to send me a PM anytime --> @Capulet <-- (hover over my username and hit the 'message' envelope at the bottom!) Hoping to hear from you soon - and again - welcome to the site. Warmly, Cap
  19. Hello @Eorunia, and welcome to After Silence!!! Swinging by to say hi and to let you know that I think it's very brave of you to join our community - it's never easy to ask for support but this site truly has been a godsend for me and I am hoping you find exactly what you're looking for, here, and that you're not alone by any means. Congratulations on being ready to take that next leap - breaking your silence! That is truly an incredible way to begin this journey that we call healing!!! By the way - it's okay to not be completely well. I think many, many of us can relate to that. It's also okay to not be okay; trauma is not gentle nor is it ever easy to overcome. It takes a lot of time and patience and although it is difficult and takes many tolls, it's also not impossible. You've got this. Again, welcome! Best wishes, Capulet
  20. So, this happened!

    Introducing the newest member of the Capulet family.  Say hello to Apollo!


    He's such a good boy.  We're so in love.  😍

    He's making himself at home and keeping me covered in doggy kisses and lots of cuddles!  

    My heart is happy. ❤️ 

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. 8888


      Congrats, what a cutie!  

    3. BrightSide


      ahh, he is so cute! Hello Apollo :wave:🐕

    4. orangegiraffe


      So cute! Enjoy him!! 

  21. Capulet


    Welcome back, Kelly! Nice to meet you - or re-meet you, as I'm a bit of an old-timer, myself. I did take a long break in-between as well. Agree with Mary - things have changed a lot over the years, but AS is still pretty amazing. (No, I'm not biased! 😄) Best wishes, and welcome. - Cap
  22. Hi @Hope321 - Welcome to After Silence! Depending on where you're from, online support groups are all the rage these days - we are smack-dab in the middle of uncertain times and I'm hopeful that you'll find a lot of our members are currently or have been in the same boat. I'm glad you like what you see here, as in-person support is increasingly hard to find these days. Thanks for telling us a little bit about yourself. I'm called Cap and I'm one of the site's moderators. I'm a survivor of CSA, rape and domestic violence. I joined back in 2007 but did take a few years' hiatus after my divorce. This site has been a tremendous healing tool for me. Now that my life is generally stable, I've gone back to school to pursue my degree in social work. You're very right - I can truly relate to what you say about spending a long time pretending all is right with us when truthfully, it's not. It's just much easier to spend a bit of time visiting the state of Denial before venturing onto the path of healing. I know what a big step it is to make the decision to start to nurture some of those past wounds, so I hope you are proud of yourself for taking this huge leap! Looking forward to getting to know you! Please know I'm just a shout away if you have any questions or concerns. Best wishes, Capulet
  23. Welcome!!! I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances under which you've arrived here, but do hope you will find that there is tons of support available to you. My best wishes to you in your healing journey! - Cap
  24. Hi @PumpkinPanda and warmest of welcomes to After Silence! I'm sorry for the circumstances under which you've arrived, but truly do hope that being among others who understand proves to be helpful as you embark upon this journey of healing. We're happy to have you and it's my sincerest hope that you form genuine connections here. ❤️ Sending you all the hugs you can stand. Again, welcome aboard. Best wishes, Capulet
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