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Everything posted by Capulet

  1. @goldraindrops Thank you so much!!!! Knowing that my friends are close by and are holding my hand through all of it (even if just mentally) truly does help this process. All of it. It makes perfect sense about the sleepless nights. Thank you. I needed that reminder! Although this weekend has been full of activity (nothing fun, sadly, my 'activity' consisted of some yard work and walking/jogging around a track near the house) I did manage to write up a little something - somewhat of a prologue/introduction of what is coming in three additional installments. I'm just putting the finishing touches on that and will likely be posting it early next week. My standing OCD is preventing me from posting it before I've read it over a hundred times - and until I've applied any and all necessary tweaks before doing so. Man, telling your story isn't for the faint of heart! I AM tired, though. I think sleep will be a little more forthcoming tonight. My body hurts, but I have to blame that on the amount of mowing I did! Hoping your weekend is going well!! Love, Cap
  2. Capulet


    Hi, @rokcsjl - welcome to After Silence! I am so saddened to hear of the trauma you've experienced. I am however, hopeful that being here will provide clarity on whatever it is that you are unclear or fuzzy on, as well as comfort and healing. You are in a very safe place and we're happy to 'meet' you!!! All the best, Capulet
  3. Hello there, @Two of Us and a very warm welcome to you both to After Silence. I'm so sorry to learn that both you and your daughter have experienced trauma. I think it's truly fortunate that you and your daughter have each other to hold each other's hands through this healing path - there's truly nothing better than having someone at your side, who understands. I'm very glad you've found us, though. This is truly a wonderful community filled with very kind, supportive souls and we're happy to have you. Neither of you are alone. I thank you in advance for the support you will provide as well - I absolutely agree that the sharing of your thoughts and experiences and feedback will be of great benefit to others who may be in the same boat!! Maybe someday in the future, your daughter will become comfortable with having her own account. When that day arrives, please let me know and I am happy to help her register. Again, AS welcomes you. You'll be hearing from a member of our Newbie Support Team very soon. Until then, please take your time to look around and if you have any questions or need help with anything, I'm just a shout away. All the best, Capulet
  4. Thank you, AKB!!!! The throat-punch on my behalf is very much appreciated. She'll not see it coming, that's for sure. I agree, it's a transformation. That's a good term to use for it. It's been a gradual change all along, but I've finally reached a point in this process where the changes are more noticeable, and, at times, uncomfortable. All part of the process, I suppose, but better now than never. Sending hugs back!!
  5. Hello, @brokenchild and welcome (back) to After Silence. I am sorry you're struggling with PTSD and and that you're needing the extra support right now, but am glad you've come back to a community where you know it will be given freely and without hesitation. If there's anything you need, please feel free to give me a shout. In the meantime, do take your time looking around and re-familiarizing yourself with the site. We might have redecorated a little bit, but we're still the same awesome safe place we've always been. Have a great day! - Capulet
  6. Hello, everyone! I am hoping this finds you all well. While I am doing fine health-wise, I'm not doing so great with my sleeping. There are some days when I think I've got it all under control and then there are other days when I revert back to what has grown to be all too familiar. While food shopping last week, I found a bottle of NyQuil that is set to expire in three months - it was marked down to $2, so I grabbed it. I have it sitting on my desk as a reminder to go to sleep when the clock passes 2-3am. It sometimes hits 4 before I'll feel tired. Ideally, I'd want to take a swig before 2, but if I'm not feeling 'tired' enough, I'll wait another hour...or two....or three? And then, before I know it, I'm first falling asleep at 4-5am and waking up at 11. That's, of course, on the days I DON'T have my kids here and don't have to worry about getting the daughter up for school. Those nights, I could EASILY not sleep at all and make do with a four-hour nap when she's boarded her bus. What's that, you say? Insomnia's a thing? Really? Hmmm. That's what I have, then - no doubt! So, a little update for you all as I know it's been a while since my last one. (I know. I'm sorry.) First off, I'm officially a student!!!! *insert horns and sirens and whooping noises here!* Last week, I registered for fifteen credits' worth of classes at the University. There's DEFINITELY no turning back, now. My classes start on 8/26 and if all goes well, I'm set to graduate in 2021; with my bachelor's in hand. Most of my credits from 20 years ago have been transferred and there are only a small handful of classes that I have to re-take, that feed into the Social Work major that my previous credits will not satisfy - so there's American Government and then there's a Statistics class that I'm TRULY not looking forward to. My son is going to be taking that very same class, only at a different time slot (he'll literally be arriving when I'm leaving!) and it might be helpful if we could study together. I'm HORRIBLE with numbers - this is something I've unfortunately passed down to both my children, apparently - my daughter is wrapping up seventh grade with all A's and B's but with one C in Math! I admittedly still count on my fingers on some simple addition and subtraction problems!!! Math is just not me, not at all. Statistics is going to be a nightmare, but hopefully the Son and I can hold each other up through it. LOL. The Oompa came with me to register. Being a retired teacher, anything school-related gets her giddy. Plus, she never really had the opportunity to join me when I did this the first time around - so I allowed her to tag along on registration day, so she could feel in the slightest bit needed. I will admit, it was good to have an extra pair of ears along with me, in case I needed them. We met with my academic advisor, who so happens to be the chairman of the Social Work department, as well as one of my professors for one of the introduction to Social Work classes that I'll be taking. So, it was very nice to meet him and get a feel for how he speaks. We all know that any Oompa visit isn't without drama or bullshit. A couple times, I wanted to smack my mother in the mouth. The first comment came while we were waiting to speak with the academic advisor - we were seated outside his office. She asked if I was going to go for my master's. I told her that I didn't want to think that far ahead. I wanted my bachelor's in Social Work and then I wanted to focus on getting myself work. Here's the comment: "And you'll make nothing." It's not about the money, I told her. We all know my reasons for pursuing this field and it's certainly not something I wanted to get into with her. Not now, not ever. I didn't have to, though. She shut up for two reasons - one - the student that was visiting with the academic advisor before us was now leaving, and two, I think she sensed that I wanted to punch her in the throat and felt it was wise to shut her mouth. We had a meeting with the professor/academic advisor and the second comment came while we were walking across campus, making our way over to the bookstore. She spoke to him, though. "Can I ask you something, as a concerned parent?" Oh, here we fucking go.... "Do you think my daughter's disability will make it harder for her to find a job in this field? Do you think she'll run into discrimination?" She actually asked this to the man who was going to be my freaking professor. If I was gonna be able to find a job or if I was just wasting my time. She didn't word it that way, but it's even more clear, she doesn't want me to become a Social Worker. I believe she wants me to become a teacher, or go into Education or to become an educator or mentor for the deaf, something I don't have any desire or passion for - I am not a school person - never was. I'm only finishing school because I've finally got a desire to do something specific and I need the degree. Personal experience doesn't count, apparently. So, why the hell would I want to go into Education???? Why would I want to follow in my mother's footsteps??? I've been trying to run the other way for years! The professor probably couldn't believe the audacity and ignorance of her question either. He somewhat blinked. "Well, we have laws in place against discrimination..." You'd think my mother, the retired EDUCATOR, knew that. She was effectively shut down, though - see, I am of the belief that she wanted him to turn around and say, 'you're absolutely right, maybe Social Work isn't in your daughter's best interests..." but when she didn't hear that, she shut up again. And for good. Possibly because this was where we parted ways with the professor - I told him I was looking forward to meeting him as one of his students in the Fall. And I am. I'm all the more determined to make his class my BEST class (it helps that it's not statistics or history related, it actually has to do with what I am majoring in!) and to show him myself that I'm not the dummy my mother basically cast me out to be. I thank whoever's calling the shots upstairs - (I don't like using 'God,') - that my mother, the social butterfly, had a concert to attend with one of her friends that night and she had to head out immediately following the registration. I think, had I been subjected to more time with her, I would have unleashed on her my anger over WHY she constantly continues to draw attention to my disability - why she keeps inadvertently reminding me that it's a limitation, a reason I might not succeed at something, a reason people would discriminate against me. I cannot understand, why she continues to allow my deafness to define me, who I am. This is one of the things that angers me the most today, one of those things that I have struggled with for all of my life and that I STILL grapple with. My hearing impairment has indeed contributed to a LOT my trauma. I've been slowly realizing that it ALWAYS comes back to it. It contributes to my social issues, too, and there's SO much more to it than Oompa even realizes, but that, I'll take the blame for. That's my fault. I've never told her. Why? Because I'm not heartless. She's proud. I know she is. I am her masterpiece. She's proud that her early intervention is what I can honestly thank for getting me onto the right track. It was because of that early intervention that I am able to speak, I am able to function as if there were no disability. She did that. She pushed, she prodded, she poked. She was a pain in my ass for pretty much ALL of my childhood and formative years, and I DO owe her credit for that. I don't have the heart to show her where she's fallen short. I figure it's more important for me to know for myself where those shortcomings are, and a kindness to her to keep them to myself. While I'll not be able to explain all of that to my mother in detail, I can certainly do so here. I'm not hurting any feelings by doing so. I'm able to speak more freely here - I've always felt that way. On that note, I've begun the undertaking of telling my story. ALL of it. I know there are bits and pieces here and there, and some of you know some of the puzzle pieces already through my posts and blog entries. I'm able to pull out a few smaller pieces at a time, talk on it, and then I toss it back into the box because it's not needed beyond that. I've realized that my story is scattered, it's all over the place, and it's because I've never really taken the time to write all of it out, from start to finish, and to analyze any and all of those little traits and quirks of mine that I've learned to adopt as 'normal,' even if they are not seen as such by someone who cannot relate. I've been tossing the pieces back into the box rather than connecting them all and showing the bigger picture. So, I've been spending the last couple of weeks writing. Not here, obviously. It is currently being drafted via MS Word and I admit I've neglected this blog for a little while - and I apologize for that. I hope to make up for it by posting my story here, too, when I'm finished. It will likely come in three installments. I've done a lot of thinking over the last several weeks - and have come to realize that I don't just have one story. There are three very obvious junctures in my life, all with very different, but equally damaging situations. All three points in my life are contributors to who I am now, who I've learned to be. These are moments that, if I devote enough time to thinking about, will provide the answers to questions that I've recently had to re-ask myself as I begin the next chapters in my life. I suppose, in a way, I am restarting. I don't know if that's even the right term for what I'm doing. I can't say I am picking up where I left off, because I didn't leave off in a good place - I left off at a point where everything derailed and from there, my life took all of these unexpected turns and twists and I lost track of who I was and where I was going in the process. I guess the right term will come to me later, but for now, I'm sticking with that. I'm determined to get these installments out before school starts on the 26th of August - and they'll be posted here as well as in a more follow-able format in Share Your Story. I'm determined, but somewhat nervous at the same time. Like I said, I've told my story before, but I've never really told it in entirety. I've left out details, I've sugar coated enough to send whoever was listening into a diabetic coma. It is the first time that I am able to tell these stories without being afraid of what others may think, of being judged, of being criticized, of being told my feelings, thoughts, and reactions weren't normal. Yes, it is being done here, from within a community where there is no fear of these things, but it's indeed a start. Rome was not built in a day, and my story will not reach beyond its intended audience until much later. I just feel ready now, to begin writing it and sharing it with whomever would like to truly understand me. I don't know that I'll have this desire later, nor if I'll have the time, so while the motivation is there, I'm taking myself to task. I am sure this writing I've set out to do, too, is a contributor to not being able to sleep - I'm in the middle of some pretty hard stuff and am finding myself opening the word document only to close it after adding one or two sentences here and there. This isn't easy by a long shot. But I'm thinking that once the hardest parts are written, then I can focus on somewhat of 'cool down' writing - focus on writing about the harder stuff in the daytime and the milder thoughts in the evenings...I'll force myself to Ny-Quil no later than 1, be in bed by 1:30....set my alarm for 8 or 9am and eliminate the naps. It's a plan, anyway! When school starts, I'll need to have this routine down pat as my first class will begin at 9am daily. Perhaps subconsciously, it's why I'm trying to focus on the harder details now as opposed to when I will have less time to sift through it all and give it the attention it deserves. So...there's that. Other than the above mentioned, there really aren't many things to report as happening in my life. The Son has been finished with classes for a while and the daughter's last day of seventh grade is tomorrow. The next few weeks are going to be insane as during the first week in July, they both become another year older (19 and 13) and we will have family coming in for the celebrating and festivities, and of course, the anticipated drama that I'll likely be posting in my next entry. (That is, providing my next entry isn't the first installment!) I hope all is well with everybody. Until later, - Capulet
  7. Welcome to After Silence, @Soccergirl81 - Katherine, I'm sorry to learn you are a long-time survivor of trauma and that you are having trouble sleeping. You have found a very safe community and there is never going to be a shortage of support from others. You're not alone! Please don't worry about sharing too much at once - that is not encouraged nor pushed, here. We would rather you take your time and become familiar with the way the site works and with other members, first. We look forward to getting to know you, whenever you are comfortable! A Newbie Support Team member will be sending you an official welcome message, shortly. Until then, please know that if you need any help or have any questions about the site, I am just a shout away. Again, welcome. We are happy to have you. Best wishes, Capulet
  8. Capulet


    Hi @feralcat - Welcome to After Silence. I am so sorry to learn you have trauma in your background, but am hoping that you will take comfort in knowing that you have found a truly supportive community in AS. It is truly a freeing feeling to release some of what you have been holding onto for so long - and although I do not know you very well, yet, I'm proud of you for taking this truly gigantic step toward healing! You should be contacted by a member of our Newbie Support Team shortly. Until then, if you need any assistance, I'm just a shout away. Again, welcome. Happy to have you among us and looking forward to getting to know you. Best wishes, Capulet
  9. A little Friday message to those of you who may need to hear this:



    1. Free2Fly


      I guess I needed to hear that I guess... I don't know.

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

  10. Welcome to AS! Wishing you all the best and hoping our wonderful community can be a helpful resource. My best wishes to you, - Capulet
  11. @moongoddess - I'm well - thank you so much for asking! Sending safe hugs, if you want them! Maybe!!! I'm a longtime member. I did take a hiatus for a while before coming back. I don't think there is any limit to the support you can gain from being here, so I'm glad you came back when you felt you needed to. There is nothing wrong with needing the extra connection - especially when you know you can count on there being someone on the other end who is in the same boat. You are always welcome. Very glad you are away from your abuser. The distance does make all the difference in the world! It's good to know you are safe now and that you're not contending with any physical threats! Hoping your weekend is going well. If you need anything, I'm just a shout away. - Cap
  12. Welcome, @moongoddess - glad to hear that you're still continuing down the path to healing - that's always hard to do, but you're doing it - that's what matters!!! I'd love to hear how things are different for you now as I am also looking at things from a different perspective these days as opposed to two decades ago. Take good care, and welcome back. As Mary has said, you'll run into many new faces, but we're still the same supportive community! Best wishes, Capulet
  13. Hi @VLX600 - Welcome to After Silence!!!! Congratulations on your first post. And congratulations on starting therapy - that is a very big, brave step to take! Yes, you will find lots of support here. After Silence is a truly wonderful community and the members are very kind and caring. We are a safe, loving space and we sincerely welcome you. You will receive a message shortly from one of our Newbie Support Team members who will best be able to assist with ANY questions or concerns with navigating the site. Or, of course - I am just a holler away. - Capulet
  14. I am, @sunflowerlove, and I'm glad to be providing laughs. Hope you're doing well today!
  15. Hi @Ciotog - Welcome to After Silence. One of the best things about this site is - you don't have to delve into anything if you're not emotionally or mentally ready to. You can take all the time you need to browse our side. I'm sorry to learn of the circumstances that have led you here, but hope that you will realize quickly that you are not alone and are among caring, compassionate souls. A member of our Newbie Support Team will be in contact very soon. Until then, if you have any questions or concerns, you can always reach out and give me a shout. Again, welcome - glad to 'meet' you and looking forward to getting to know you further whenever you're ready. Best wishes, Capulet
  16. @awi - me, too! Got a few bruises but they're healing nicely! Glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for taking the time to read!
  17. @awi - welcome back again! If you ever forget your password again, please send an email to aftersilence.moderators@gmail.com. We can reset it for you and get you reconnected in a jiffy! Take gentle care! - Cap
  18. Greetings to all from my neck of the woods, where I seem to have disappeared for a little while. I've not been completely gone - just keeping myself scarce for no particular reason other than not really having much to report. In my last blog entry, I mentioned that bathroom renovations were underway. Those renovations have since been completed. It took a few more days to return my sleep cycle from WAY abnormal back to simply screwed up. If you're me, there's never going to be a normal. I'm even more convinced of this, as lately I'm able to fall asleep, but not able to STAY asleep for more than three hours at a time. Example...I get myself nice and tired, crash at 2 or 2:30 in the morning, fall asleep until 4am...then it takes me two more hours to fall back asleep. I don't know what gives. I really don't. Brain is silent, I'm DEFINITELY tired - the deep sleep just refuses to take over. They say you sleep less when you get older - I HOPE that's not true as I'm already functional with four to five hours per night - at this rate, I'll be pulling all nighters and chugging the coffee to stay awake in the mornings! (Yes, I bought more caffeinated K-cups!) I recently undertook another project. The re-organizing and deep-clean of my daughter's room. After two years of her destroying her room piece by piece (when it comes to such thing, my soon-to-be-13-year-old has some serious talent) she's decided that she's outgrown her twin-sized bed and has asked for a full-size upgrade. I obliged, but told her that if she was going to be pulling out the twin-size bed, she was also going to be pulling up the carpet that she's gotten slime stains on. She's proven time and time again that her room cannot be where she stores her art supplies, even though that's where they always end up when my back is turned. Anyway, I waited until she was in school before starting her room. There's NO other way to avoid the, 'Ma, I was saving this,' or the 'I didn't want to throw that away!!!' Three or four trash bags went out - bags that were filled with more than the 'candy wrappers' and 'water bottles' that she had littered all over her floor, what I told her was in those trash bags. I managed to get rid of things I'd not seen her touch in years - since we MOVED. What's the sense in keeping it all? Some was donated, some just plain trashed. Got rid of clothes too that were six or seven sizes too small. Oompa's the one who bought her the bed frame and mattress, but I was left in charge of not only prepping her room for the new bed, but also of picking up the mattress from town. At first, I thought it would be easy but when is anything that simple? Apparently the Jeep I wanted (and still love, by the way) has one of those pesky antennas on top - meaning I couldn't put the mattress on the roof of my Compass. So, a U-Haul was rented for Friday morning and both J and the son were on board to help me transport a full-size mattress from the store to home - then we would transport her old twin-sized bed with an accompanying built in shelf and dresser over to the wasband's for her little sister to use. Friday morning, we got up early, finished up the rest of her room (swept the floor, stored boxes underneath the bed frame (ordered from Amazon and assembled the day before) and were about to head out. The Son was, as usual, taking his time, so I knocked on his door and said, "we'll be waiting outside, meet us out there and lock the door on your way out!" He shouted something back. "Okay!" I'm guessing he said. I waited another couple minutes and realized there was a bag of garbage that was still sitting in the hallway outside the daughter's room. I grabbed the bag and went to trash it. Went to go back into the house and walked right into the Son, who NEVER LISTENS TO ME. Except for today. He chose to listen to me today, and had already locked the door on his way out. My pocketbook and my keys and my receipt from the Mattress store were ALL in the house. "SHIT!" We checked the front door in the event that the son hadn't locked it. He had. Nice and tight. We checked J's car for HER key - it wasn't there - it was also in the house, tucked away in her work bag. As a last resort, I jogged across the street to the neighbor's house - she takes care of our animals whenever we're away and has one of our spare keys - and she wasn't home. "What, now?" J started trying other doors. Kitchen sliders? Locked. Side entrance? Locked also. I'm starting to panic because we have a 12:00 appointment to go pick up the U-Haul, and four hours to get everything brought to wherever it needed to be - and return the U-Haul. And everything I needed was locked inside the house! I walked along the side of the house and tried the windows. The ONLY one that was unlocked and willing to budge was the bathroom window. "Uhhh.....J??" She came over. I showed her that glimmer of hope - the open bathroom window. Next, I tried to maneuver myself into a sitting position so that I could easily slide into the bathroom window. To explain, I have a bi-level. When you open my front door, there are stairs leading up and stairs leading down. So the window was located pretty much close to the ground from the outside - to go in would mean a drop down into the room from above. It had rained the night before, and I wasn't wanting to soak myself on the wet mulch. Plus, I'm 40 years old now, no longer a spring chicken. Trying to limbo myself into the bathroom window wasn't working - not from this angle. I'd more likely break my back trying to bend in ways I'm no longer able to. Not to mention there wasn't a whole lot of room - picture below will show that trying to go in feet-first would probably have ended very badly, given my busty frame... "Okay. I'm going in headfirst." My brilliant idea for the day. So - in I go, slowly. Used my hands to 'walk' myself down, (pushed toilet seat down first) and then little by little, shimmied my way down until I was literally hanging onto the outside ledge using my feet. At this point, J decided to take a photo - promising that this would bring forth years of amusement whenever talked about in the future. And I'm sure it will... Dropped down into the bathroom, using my arms to catch myself. By now, the drop wasn't a large one, and the toilet broke the fall up, some. I'm in. And I'm alive. Go, me! Damn, though, I think I pulled about six different muscles trying to break back into my own house. This very same photo was posted onto social media with the caption, "how's YOUR day going?' Oompa's response was, "what happened?" I explained the situation to her and the first thing she said was, "I hope you didn't break anything in your new bathroom!" No, Ma. Maybe just a little bit of myself, but thank you for the concern. Got to the U-Haul with minutes to spare - got everything else we needed to do - done. Aside from this little lock-out snafu, the day was a good one. I have a few bruises and was sore in places I didn't know existed yesterday, but end result - the daughter's room is looking clean and organized. Now the challenge remains - getting her to KEEP it that way! So, in closing, I would like to thank my son for, on Thursday night, taking a shit in the downstairs bathroom - a shit that smelled SO badly, that I cracked the window to air out the room. Had that shit not been taken, I would probably STILL be trying to figure out how to break into my own house. Furthermore, I'm grateful for my own absentmindedness - normally I would have remembered to close and lock that bathroom window once the stench had died down. Perhaps there IS a silver lining to my increased ability to not sleep????? Hoping you're all well and that you're all smiling. - Capulet
  19. Hello @Here2Heal - welcome to After Silence!!! We are glad to have you among us, too. I'm very sorry to hear of the circumstances leading you to our community - and also what you're going through right now. I am, however, hopeful that being here will help you to feel a little bit less alone as you deal with the rest of it...self-care is so, very, incredibly important and we all forget to do it from time to time. Perfectly normal. You will be hearing from a member of our Newbie Support Team shortly, but until then, if you have any questions or need help with anything, I am just a PM away. Wishing you all the best as you begin your next healing stages. - Capulet
  20. Welcome, @Willow1980 - wishing you all the best in your healing process! I'm sorry you have reason to be here but am hopeful that you feel supported here. As others have said, our chat room is under construction. I do hope, though, that we'll have it up and running in the very near future. Until then, there's an abundance of different topics to gain support on in our other forums, so please do take your time to look around. Take care. Best wishes, Capulet
  21. Capulet


    Welcome, @Rian - someone very close to me shares your name, although spelled Ryan. It'a a fine name if I say so, myself. Wishing you peace, comfort and healing - I'm glad you are here among us - this truly is a great community. Best wishes to you, Capulet
  22. Capulet

    Hello all!

    HI @rakit - Would like to welcome you to After Silence as well as thank you for being another supporter to others. This truly is a kind, loving, supportive community and we are glad to have you. Am so sorry to hear you've experienced trauma, but hope that being here brings you peace, comfort and healing. Best wishes, Capulet
  23. HI, @Chise - welcome to AS, from one cat lover to another. I have five in my feline crew - the eldest is soon 16, the youngest is almost 4 months old. They have a way of providing such comfort, I can't see myself NOT having a cat! I'm glad you're taking your time to look around and explore the site. I am sorry that you have reason to be among us, but we're truly a loving, accepting, supportive bunch and look forward to hearing more about you and getting to know you further when you're ready. You're never under any obligation to share more than you're prepared to - so continue to browse at your own pace. We're not going anywhere. Again - welcome. Best wishes, Capulet
  24. Hi @Lynnamoncinnamon - welcome to After Silence!!! I'm glad you have found this safe space to gain online/social support. This is a truly loving and kind community and I am hopeful that you'll fit right in. Thanks for telling us a little about you...looking forward to learning more through your posts! Take your time looking around and feel free to post when you are ready. Best wishes, Capulet
  25. Capulet


    @vanessazaki - Posts can be edited by their author, but not deleted completely. If you ever need something removed, I will need to do it for you. Please let me know via Help Desk if you need a post deleted, along with a link to the post. Welcome to After Silence! Best wishes, Capulet
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