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DakotaSun

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Posts posted by DakotaSun


  1. It’s one year since I left my perpetrator. We had been married 20 years. Behaviours escalated after I said I wanted to leave abd he raped me in my sleep just before 20th anniversary. It was profoundly shocking. Like you I had an apology after and texts  admitting it but I deleted all that I just wanted to leave and involved police by accident when he tried to exclude me from the kids lives and I asked Police if I could move back in and change locks while he was out. Police made me bring investigation but handled badly.People who haven’t been through think that if you share your story you will fall apart that you are vulnerable and weak in doing so. Wrong. It’s building resilience and courage.but choose carefully who to tell. It was not your fault. You did not deserve that. There’s this idea that men only respond to women’s cues that they can’t control themselves. It’s nonsense. There’s a notion that impact of an event makes it a crime when it comes to SA under uk law and if you seem strong to an officer investigating it didn’t happen or didn’t matter. No one says how upset you are is what makes burglary or murder a crime. But in SA cases that is exactly the logic. In court my healing process was used to dismiss me. I had over reflected on the experience was too articulate and too resentful. So one year more to sing out THIS IS ME.  Make no apology any more. Is my philosophy. I’m not going to tidy up my emotions. A bad day is a bad day and like you I’ll grieve it. Spotify is great for learning the music that helps and you can edit out triggers. Daily mix lifts me. You can do more than you know - look for achievements every day. I started with despite him I woke up. Despite him I got dressed and took care  of my appearance. I call a friend it’s a win. Make contact with SA outreach advisor or counsellor they do help but don’t go alone to it. ask A friend to hold your hand as you call them . Hand holding helped me so much when hugs were too much. Baby steps. Some will be backward but you are still here and you will thrive in time 


  2. Hello I’m a single mum. I’m a work in progress. I don’t know what to put here I’m still finding it hard to process the events of the last 2 years. My friends are so kind but say things like ‘Why can’t you see how far you have come?’ And ‘why didn’t you leave sooner?’ And some ‘it cannot be true or the police would have arrested him’ I’ve lost my job, my dignity, my sense of self, my financial security, my children’s sense of safety (tho mine greater) my church, my close friends, my extended in law family. It’s been like multiple bereavements. I have big holes in my memory and what I can only call sudden emotional flooding but no idea why or from what. But I gained my freedom and tho it looks wobbly a future. And people on the edge of my life have reached out to support me in unexpected ways.

    I’m here because I’m hopeful. Like this is a wound but it’s not going to define me. I think each person here is v special. I’m glad to find you. I’m not getting any counselling. But I’m reaching out when I need to. I was dating but I realised I was doing it to mask noise and that it put me at risk so  it’s just me now. 

     

     


  3. Hi okattaphoenix

    youll rise again martial arts are a good disciplined way to kickass and channel anger as well as feel accomplishment- this helped me a lot ten years ago when the abuse started and I could not bring myself to leave. Only you really know what’s best for you with help from counsellor I think. Personally I’m  learning not everything is transferable from one person to another  you know? But all kindness is good so I take the thought behind advice as kindness and filter. One of my friends said I should never let my children see I am in pain. This just added to my feelings of failure and at that point I was too raw to fully control. My healing journey is thrown by ongoing court dates in family court as the perpetrator seeks to regain access to the children. It’s good to see you here. 


  4. I’m new too. You write beautifully and friendship will return to you. I lost friends but also found people on the fringes of my life became central in unexpected ways. Pleased to find you and everyone here as I feel self conscious, unworthy and confused about how life brought me to this point. I’m finding my memory has huge protective blanks it’s disoriented me. 

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