I am new here. I have been searching for a place for support. I do not know if anyone besides me and my sisters who experienced what we did. Sometimes it it hard to talk to them though they have their own issues to work through.
I think I have been in denial for a long time about the impact of SA by my own father. I had convinced myself that I had many things that other people like me had not had. I had a supportive mother. My abuser was convicted (not for what he did to me and only served 3 years). I have been treated by counselors, therapists and psychiatrists so I must have beat this right?
Other events in my life I guess have exacerbated symptoms I have had for a long time like low self esteem, anxiety and depression to the point that I started looking back and asking myself, "Did I really beat this?" Actually my younger sister also helped in my looking back because up until that point I really wanted to believe that I was over this.
I feel a little in coming here and saying that I feel broken because I had things others like me did not. I do feel broken though. I am lost and don't know where to turn. My life has become one of fear and anxiety. I have remembered things I don't want to remember. I have felt such shame that I feel people can see something is wrong with me.
And I wonder what that little five year old girl was like before she learned to hide away in her head. I wonder what she would be like if she never learned that. Too late to change that but I wish I knew.