[Week by week]

I know who my abuser is and where he lives, but I do not want to see or confront him. I might try to hurt him and I would be no better than him. I am sure I would be met by denial and I would feel freshly abused. I do wonder how abusers feel, but I do not really want to know how their sick minds work. It is like he killed part of me and I can do nothing to him. It took me a long time to identify and modify the antisocial behaviours and concepts that I internalised whilst he abused me. Perhaps one day I will want to challenge him and he may regret what he did to me, but I doubt he would admit it.

[Explaining]

I used to work as many hours as possible and became tired out from it. After I understood my abuse better I felt more entitled and got better jobs and worked less hours. You need to work with your family or colleagues, not for them. I am not afraid to tell people I was sexually abused for years, but do not offer the information. People cannot look at you and discern that you have experienced something traumatic, but I used to feel that everyone could see right through me.

I learned at school that I could be entirely opaque and no-one was able to tell whether I was lying or not. It was a relief to realise I was not an open book and I knew that my fears and memories were my own and no-one else's. I have no need to lie and rarely do so and you do not need to explain what happened to you or why you find certain emotions difficult. I think you are seen and are valued, perhaps you should allow yourself to feel good about your accomplishments. I know it is difficult, but I think you want to succeed.

[Progress]

I used to become emotional when someone did something nice that benefited me and did not expect me to do something in return. I had become used to physical, emotional and sexual abuse and it surprised me that anyone would be good to me. I always expected the worst and often got it when I was a child. Being looked on as important, appreciated or respected was difficult for me as I was used to feeling sad, hurt or angry.

[Understanding]

When I was 11 I was having panic attacks when in groups of boys and saw that one of my abusers was regularly watching me. He tried to corner me when I was alone in the changing rooms, but I ran through another door and escaped. I was increasingly afraid to be at school and of being alone in the town and I was afraid of further abuse. I asked my mother if we could leave and live in the county where my father worked. We soon left and I was not abused by the youths again. Once in my new home I stopped thinking of my abusers, but my fears when with older boys and men remained, as did my anxiety. A social worker was appointed and visited my home. I would lock him out, since I was afraid of him and he eventually gave up. He seemed nice, but so had my abusers at first, I was afraid of being alone with him. I needed therapy, but could not talk about what I had experienced. For me, leaving the town where my abusers lived removed the threat of further sexual abuse, but it did not remove triggers or any of the feelings and fears. I hope you are able to find someone to help you understand your feelings.