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AKB

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Blog Comments posted by AKB

    Capulet

    Posted

    I think for a lot of us this year is an exercise in grief. Grief over what we've lost, at what remains, and feeling like this pandemic is never ending. It's gotten hard to see what the ending looks like. Know that we are all here with you and grieving in our own ways for ourselves, for those suffering, for those that have died, and for "normality". Sending you the safest of hugs! :throb: You are not alone in this. 

    matts

    Posted

    I think often that we never actually learned about healthy boundaries. Being a people pleaser does not help make boundaries any easier either. And being raised by two varying levels of narcissists just adds to the fun. Know that you have a right to set boundaries to feel safe and that it may take some practice to do so. You're not imposing them upon others more so you are keeping yourself safe and healthy. Sitting with you very carefully with each of us in our safe bubbles. :wave:

    Poppy_

    Posted

    Totally get it and you re: your mom. The past 1.5 years I haven't been "talking" to my parents have been a godsend for my healing. Not having to pretend that everything's A-Ok with my mom especially has been so freeing. She too wants it all to be about her & I played that game for 40 some years. No more. Yes there's guilt and yes many people don't understand. Just showing up and putting on a show for everyone else doesn't mean that there wasn't abuse happening, whether emotional or physical. I've always been called "too sensitive" also and it's a really heavy burden.  Good on you for doing what works for you. Sending you safe hugs, if ok. :console:

    Capulet

    Posted

    The way I like to think of it is as a transformation after a period of cocooning - like a butterfly. The caterpillar goes into their pupa and all of this miraculous stuff happens where they are no longer a caterpillar but they transform into a butterfly. And maybe some pieces of the caterpillar are still there they're just different now as the wings emerge and after time spent in the sun drying and curing their wings the butterfly is truly ready to fly.

    Sending you big hugs, friend! And a swift punch to the throat for Oompa that she won't see coming because no one thinks someone that looks kind like me can hit people. :lol:

    aperson

    Posted

    Sitting with you as you wait to hear. I'm sorry that this is happening to you (again). The waiting for results is never an easy thing. Since there has been a holiday earlier this week perhaps that has delayed the results? Have you contacted the Dr's office to follow-up? It often amazes me how truly thoughtless the medical establishment can be here sometimes when there is a question of further ailments. Sending you healing and positive thoughts for a healthy outcome.

    Capulet

    Posted

    I heard James Hollis speak at the Conference I went to recently and this quote exemplifies what he was talking about to us.

    “How different the world would be if each parent could say to the child: “Who you are is terrific, all you are meant to be. And who you are, as you are, is loved by all of us. You have a source within, which is the soul, and it will express itself to you through what we call desire. Always respect the well-being of the other, but live your own journey, serve that desire, risk being that which wishes to enter the world through you, and you will always have our love, even if your path takes you away from us.” Such persons would then have a powerful tool to enable them to change their lives when it was not working out for them. Such persons would be able to make difficult decisions, mindful always of the impact on others, but also determined to live the life intended by the gods who brought us here.” 
    ― James Hollis

    After hearing this I felt as though he had been somehow listening in on my recent sessions with my therapist. If only my all of our parents could be like this. I'm so pleased to know that you have made the conscious choice to NOT parent like your Mother. I knew that I didn't have it within me to break that sort of pattern nor did I have the energy to do so which was one of the reasons I chose and continue to choose not to have children. And I'm completely ok with that choice. 

    I do sometimes pine for the loving, easy ways of relating with family that social media portrays that other people have with their family. It's so instinctual to want to belong like that and so incredibly painful when our own experiences aren't like that. I'm so glad though that we have our AS family as a loving surrogate family to somehow make up for what we may not have with our own family of origin. :throb:

    Capulet

    Posted

    Wow. Just wow. When I thought Oompa couldn't get anymore narcissistic she manages to top, even herself! I would've struggled mightily to not knock the shaking wooden spoon outta her claw-like grasp! That's truly unfortunate that your stepfather is a mumbler and that there wasn't another person around to hear what he was saying that cause so much agita in Oompa. Glad you could process this here and here's hoping all else is going well for you with school prep.  :throb:

    rosedust

    Posted

    And you're not the only one who has a mom that was too self-involved to properly care for her daughter. Good on you for not giving up your 4 years! It can be really hard to take care of yourself when you've fallen into a pattern of taking care of everyone else. I wish you lots of courage as you establish boundaries that work for you.

    Capulet

    Posted

    @Capulet I had a weird pimply growth on the back of my head a few years back. The Dr. surmised that it was caused by my sleeping on a memory foam pillow that the heat from it had caused a weirdo cyst to form. It took some time (a month or two) but it did eventually go away on its own. As I was told when I got another cyst drained after a "concerning" mammo I'm quite the cyst factory as said by the Dr. that drained the cyst. So, for you I'm hoping that it's just an errant cyst "popping up" to wreak havoc and cause you concern. Let's talk on Friday after yo mama takes off! :throb:

    Capulet

    Posted

    @Capulet Happy Birthday! Just a quick thought on this - I've been reading about attachment theory as of late and it has opened a few things up for me. I won't go into the long story of what it is when you go back to school you'll learn about it. Hee hee I said when as I know it's going to happen. Essentially those of us that are anxiously/insecurely attached are much more attuned to perceived rejection. I would most definitely be feeling the same and attribute their not being there to something I did. However, the flip side is that there are a bunch of reasons why those folks didn't make it some valid and maybe others not so but in the end you did have people show up for you. I need to run now but would love to chat about this later this week if you'd like. :birthday:

    Capulet

    Posted

    Hi Friend! Thank you for sharing this. A couple thoughts - you're not alone in this. We struggle with this too in a different way. M works a lot and always has. Often to the exclusion of all else and sometimes me. He, however is an introvert so doesn't often want to go out and socialize. His new job with the additional stress of this move has been hard. This time too I've not hidden from him (as I did in the past) how hard it is for me and what that brings up for me isn't that I'm a selfish b-tch but that I feel extremely vulnerable telling him about these mushy, yucky feelings. And he's come to be comfortable that I keep the ugliness to myself because that's what I was raised to do. In the past I pushed all of it down and soldiered on but I'm working on this stuff so it's not going to be pretty and it may get ugly but this is what real adults do. And this is how I believe I will heal but it's not comfortable because it's a big change and lizard brain does not feel comfortable at all. In short, you're not alone. And you know where to find me. :throb:

    JNoel

    Posted

    I am right there with you in fearing for her. I try my best to look for the other allies though stepping up to speak out on her behalf and rally around her courage. The other side of vitriol does seem a bit louder though.

    For me it brings up all of the feelings I had when I actually went to the police to report. I was not believed. I was blamed because I had been drinking. One of my "friends" told the police that "he" would never drug someone. It absolutely kills me that she is being inspected underneath a microscope. I can't imagine how she must feel and the fact that she is being threatened with death and worse. It absolutely makes me sick. However, she is truly courageous and I am so thankful to her for standing up to speak her truth. I believe her. I support her. I applaud her for walking through fire for all of us! The "regular" people that have not experienced this sort of trauma have no idea what it costs us. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone. We stand together.

    Capulet

    Posted

    Love this, friend! :throb:

    I'm runner D: Wears a throw away long sleeve t-shirt, purple sports bra, and fluttery green patterned running shorts.  Starts and finishes the marathon within 5 months of big trauma at 24. Then does everything possible to run away from the race and all that it represents for 20 years. Finally, realizes that she must start again but not necessarily at the beginning because I had already done the first 8 miles or so back 20 years ago. Now I've been working really hard at the middle point of the race from mile 9 to mile 20 where you usually hit the wall of exhaustion in a marathon. And then I recognize that I need to slow down or take an extended water break or stop in to visit the lovely port-a-potties.

    As you know, I did actually run a marathon as a part of my healing journey back 20 years ago thinking that would be it and I could tuck everything neatly away and move on as if I was still the same person - that running for 26.2 miles would be all the healing I really needed. I suppose it worked for a time but denying that it was no longer there didn't really serve me very well. I guess maybe I'm destined to be an ultramarathoner and 26.2 miles just wasn't quite enough. Maybe I just really wanted to be runner A but it wasn't who I really am. So, now I'm finding out my race is more like an ultramarathon of 50 miles. So perhaps I'm over halfway now?

    Capulet

    Posted

    Here's to #50 @Capulet! I was imagining my Grandma's house as you described hers.

    It's not just you about having everything be completely dark in order to sleep. We have 3 doors that must be shut in our bedroom - one to the closet, one to the bathroom, and the one to the rest of the house. They all must be shut to keep out any excess light and to keep the cat out of our bedroom. Luckily they are round doorknobs and she's 15 so no chance she'll figure out how to open them now. And the cable light must be covered. The only light I allow is the salt lamp on very, very, very low. Luckily the hubs knows and loves my kind of cray-cray so he humors me. And I have no earthly idea why this is how it must be to sleep. When we've lived in places with mini-blinds I must put up the black-out curtains to block all the light. Shrugs. And of course, big hugs. :hug:

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