AKB

Have T today and I'm anxious, could use sitters, need to talk about some hard things and last time I did I dissociated

Really struggling right now. In a lot of pain. Can't seem to comfort myself. It's not my trauma but how my SO's is affecting me. Could use all the support. 

Can't

Have finally got the courage to come back here. As you all know, my case went to court and 5 men were convicted and sentenced. Following this, they managed to make contact with ‘associates’ of theirs and ordered them to come and find me…make me ‘pay’ for sending them to prison….

I am broken 💔

i encouraged it though......

Hello everyone! Phew it’s been a while since I came to visit . I have good news tho I graduated with the the congratulations of the jury and earned my bachelor degree as well as my CAE from Cambridge . 
 

Although I’ve been doing okay for the past few weeks , summer is always hard for me . Today is the anniversary of my wedding , when my parents sold me to my rapist . I would be glad to have someone sit me with me through this . 
 

I apologize to all friends I haven’t messaged back in a while , I promise to come back to you shortly and I love you all dearly . 💓

Not been here for a while now…have been really struggling. Have no one to turn too as I have to look after mum and dad too. So much stress and just feel lost…like I am drowning and there is nobody to help..😔

Slowly, slowly, I'm finding my center and self again. 

Have been doing intensive PEMF therapy (Pulsed ElectroMagnetic Frequency). It is physically, mentally and emotionally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. It  does finally seem to be getting easier., and the improvements are worth getting worse before I started getting better. Worse was very, very scary. Better is starting to feel like... me. 

My therapist told me that I was going through an ego death when I became overwhelmed with these recent urges to self harm. I don't know how she could tell that I was about to have a major shift, but she was right. I'm not interested in an ego death, I'm really whatever about that - I just want to be functional and not shaking to my bones all the time.

But something in me has found an acceptance of the way things are, and a willingness to enjoy my life again. 

All of the sudden one morning a few days ago my executive function came back on line. It's not 100%, but my brain doesn't feel like it's exploding all the time. My senses and perception are starting to normalize. This is good. 

I found out my son is telling people that I started shooting up and went crazy, because one of the seizure meds I tried was an injection. That hurt like hell for a few days and now I feel almost indifferent. The world where what people think of me matters, seems like lifetimes ago. 

I spent some time in the mountains with a good friend,  in a cabin with no technology. It was difficult to have so much one on one interaction as I have become accustomed to being alone, but by the end of our time together I was joking and making up little songs like I used to, and having memories that feel safe. She held me while I sobbed my guts out. I needed that, really badly. I stopped trying to talk over two years ago, and I don't exactly believe that it's ok yet, or that she wants to hear me, but it is good to talk again. 

I still feel pretty scrambled, and the anxiety waves goes through my belly in knots and sick. The grief is a less constant lump in my throat but still a lump. I still feel really trapped in my living circumstances, and have no clue where I would relocate.  One of my crowns crumbled  while I was eating and I broke a tooth. The red tape of my bankruptcy just left me without an entire paycheck I was counting on, but I'm not going into anxiety or distress.

I'm going to try weaning off my sleep meds to see what happens. Last night I got 5 hours of natural, restorative sleep. 

I guess the PEMF is working. 

Thank you to all the people here cheering me on, and sharing your own stories. I wouldn't have survived without you. I'm pissed at what they've done to us but glad we've found each other. 

I have been supporting my childhood friend for about 2 weeks now. She is going through a bad break up I really feel for her. Life's not been easy on her, and she had one toxic long termed relationship before. This now ex-boyfriend basically threw her out and won't let her collect her stuff. He also changed lockers, which he sadly has the right to do since he owns the apartment. He claims that he gave her the chance to, but he'd pick days he knew wouldn't work with her schedule, and then always cancel days they mutually agreed on last minute. 

I've encouraged her to go to lawyers and the police by now. He insisted on that he wants nothing to do with her, and yet he's holding onto her possessions like that. 

I often come here with no intention to talk about my experiences. However, I still come back here. Perhaps, seeing what other people write will compel me to find courage enough to admit the things I've experienced, suffered, caused, relived, and suffered again. Vicious circles in my mind. 

One time I recall seeing someone had asked why is it you see that some people had become a sexual assault victim over and over and over and over? That must be impossible. Or they convince themselves that that person is making it up because they were unfortunate to have been a victim over and over. I wish I could say that were true. 

I talked with my  therapist  today.  We talked about my ritual  abuse.  And, managing  symptoms.

😳🥺😓

😭

❤️ Time for a shout-out!  To each and every one of you.

I ruin everything. 

Feeling so lost….this is truly awful.. 💔 How does this feeling ever get better…..

I think I need help. 

Hopeless and isolating 

I think I need help. 

Just so tired tonight

Talked to my step father today about my birth father. I described a few things he did every day when I was a kid, and step daddy thinks it was ugly and mind controlling. My inner child woke up with this, telling me she thought it was ugly too. I try to resonate about how birth father could have acted instead. 

I have eaten oat and raisin cookies, with a side of tea and water melon, and will now try to find a bicycle shop to fix my wheel. 

Hope everyone has a lovely day

- W ☀️ 

I think I need help. 

Sat in my car…can’t move. 💔😭

Really in need of some words of support. I really thought that things would get easier after the trial, turns out I was so wrong. 
Still so much to deal with and so much to process. 💔

Really struggling. Everything seems so surreal 💔😔