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WhoAmI?

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    Female

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    Survivor

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  1. I can completely understand why you may not be ready for her to hear everything just yet. This site is amazing for that very reason. I had never opened up and shared my whole story with anyone so this site helped me to do that and I feel it's already started a healing process for me. I'll have to let a moderator answer your question because I'm honestly not sure what the answer is. It shows above that you posted in Public: Welcome so I'd say the forum you posted in is public and anyone could browse this part of the forum. Anyway, welcome to AS. I'm sorry for the reason you are here but glad you are if that make sense.
  2. Thank you so much! I was able to share my story in the proper forum and honestly I already feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm still trying to figure out "who I am". I think maybe I'm somewhere in between who I was and who I am now, I just got to sort it out along with everything else. Just being able to talk to someone has made a world of difference.
  3. Thank you so much. I think I’m ready to tell my whole story for the first time. I’ll do that in the correct forum though. I’ve never been able to tell anyone the entire story.,
  4. Hugs are always welcome. I get told I’m f***** Up all the time and not normal so who knows.
  5. I did not actually start therapy. This is the first step I’ve taken and since it’s technically hidden in keeping it a secret. He wasn’t supportive of my starting counseling even for myself because he’s concerned I’ll leave him. (He’s not abusive, he’s been pretty good to me) I think he’s just worried I’ll talk about our marriage and the counselor will advise against it.
  6. Oh yes very much so! He was manipulative. Former cop as well. A year after I broke it off he shot and killed his 14 year old daughter, his best friend and also shot his friend’s wife but she survived, then he went in a field and committed suicide.
  7. Intimacy for me has been a huge problem. I know i should not compare but people I’ve met in my past didn’t want to be touched at all because it brought back awful memories. I think I’ve suppressed everything for so long that I feel nothing regarding intimacy. Ever since then it’s just be an act, nothing special nothing more...I just can’t connect on an emotional level that way. I don’t want to blame ALL of my problems on what happened to me because I feel like sometimes it just sounds like an excuse. Questions I ask myself all the time: Why can’t I be more faithful? Why cant I love and feel loved? Why do I still make the stupid decisions today that don’t benefit me at all? Why do I always have this desire to please everyone? Just things I think of a lot. Although I’ve discussed what happened to me with my spouse, I feel like having these discussions would make life more difficult and possibly end my marriage. Life is so tough.
  8. Oh yeah In regards to my stomach issues: I’ve had my gallbladder removed and been tested for food allergies in addition to an upper GI..essentially we ruled out everything else. Anyway enough of that.. When you write it sounds like you are an actual counselor. I want to someday be able to offer some support for others but I honestly feel like I’m so messed up that I can’t help anyone. I went from being the girl that wanted to wait until I was married then after the R I didn’t care anymore. I’m not proud of my actions after and I feel like maybe who I really am lies somewhere in the middle but I can’t seem to figure it out. I know I’m not happy and if I knew what I could do to get there I’d already done it. I do greatly appreciate your response though. I tend to be a bit naive sometimes and think nobody knows how I feel but joining the site obviously opened my eyes even more. I just had no idea how many their were..
  9. Thank you so much. It means a lot just to be able to talk to someone.
  10. Stress is a good word to describe it. I've had major stomach issues for years and after many trips to the doctors to see what's going on they have put me on an anti-depressant. Supposed to help reduce stress which in turn helps my nervous stomach. It's hard to explain to a doctor what exactly I'm dealing with daily in my head that is causing so much stress. Anyway..so far so good on the medicine. I feel like what you wrote regarding gravitating towards stronger personalities, could have been my words. After reading them it actually sounded like I had wrote it. Thank you for your response. It gave me something else to think about.
  11. So after reading and re-reading the site you attached, it does appear that I am an empath. My husband on the other hand doesn't seem to fit the narcissist personality type. I should mention although he was somewhat controlling in the beginning, it got worse once I had an affair. Because of what I did, I caused him to act the way he does. So I think what is most unhealthy about our relationship is my actions caused him to isolate me from basically everyone and I guess that's the main reason I'm here. I once suggested I go to counseling to see if I can figure out why I do the things I do and he wasn't supportive. I think he was worried the counselor would think our relationship was unhealthy and I'd leave him. Anyway..I feel as though I'm rambling. Thank you for your support.
  12. Wow. I am so sorry you had to endure that. Do you feel like you gravitate towards people with a controlling personality now? I only ask because I know I do. My husband now (not an abuser) makes my decisions for me. It’s weird though that I gravitated to him but at the same time I hate that about him. I think maybe I was used to be told what to do so initially it was easy. Now I push back and get upset...pretty sure he doesn’t completely understand why.
  13. Thank you so much. I’m trying my best to be optimistic and positive and I figure being here can’t hurt.
  14. Thank you so much! I’m trying to be optimistic and hopefully it will improve my life. I figure it definitely can’t hurt being here.
  15. Thank you! I just took that personality quiz and I admit it’s pretty spot on. I’ve spent most of my life being whatever everyone wanted me to be so I don’t know who I am anymore.
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