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Enigma87

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Everything posted by Enigma87

  1. Hey @sunflowers88! Welcome to AS! I am in my early 30s also. This community has been such an integral part in my healing. I'm sorry for all the abuse you have been through. I hope you find AS to be just as wonderful and supportive as I have. Sending you support and friendship! ❤️
  2. Having a really hard time right now. Can't stop crying. I feel so alone.

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. mini.finch

      mini.finch

      *sending you extra hugs and support* :console:

    3. redadmirals

      redadmirals

      I'm sorry you are struggling, friend :( Sending safe hugs too if OK

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @MeBeMary @Poppy_ @mini.finch @redadmirals

      Thank you all so much for your support. I appreciate the hugs and you sitting with me. Your kindness means so much to me. :hug:❤️💕

  3. Struggling right now... My sister’s friend was SA’ed on her way home tonight. I’m trying to help, but I’m triggered and feel helpless. :cry: Not going to sleep well tonight.

    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Poppy_

      Poppy_

      Sitting with you, friend. :throb: You're not alone. 

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Iheartcupcakes @Poppy_ Thank you both so much for your support. ❤️:hug:She filed a police report last night. It was her Uber driver that attacked her. So I take it the police are tracing things back to him. Idk... In any case, I will encourage her to come on AS. 💕

      @Free2Fly Yea, I know this isn't the first time she's been SA'ed like many of us. However, she is understandably shaken up. I am still emotional about it not just for me and my experience, but because I know how it feels to be SA'ed when under the influence by someone you just met. It's so heartbreaking. 💔

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Yeah Idk how to keep faith in this world of ours :(

      Hope they are okay and you are too.

  4. Tension at home again. It never ends. I’m so tired of pretending everything is okay. Gotta move out. 😓

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Capulet Aw thank you so much friend. I haven’t forgotten about you btw. I will be PMing you soon :hug:

    3. redadmirals

      redadmirals

      Sending strength to you. I can relate. We are all here for you.

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @redadmirals thank you friend 🥰 I appreciate you sending strength. I can certainly use it! It’s also nice to know you can relate. I will message you soon also. ❤️:hug:

  5. Enigma87

    Today.

    @aprilbaby49 Gosh, I am so moved by this... It’s inspiring to read. I admire the self-respect you have and the determination to put the blame where it belongs - solely on him. I support you wholeheartedly. Sending you much care and support. 💕
  6. Anxious. In shock. Can’t sleep. Bad flashbacks

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Abigail2020 Aw thank you so much 💕I really appreciate the hugs :hug:

    3. waterlily13

      waterlily13

      Sending you hugs if ok friend, hang in there💜

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @waterlily13 Aw thank you ❤️ I’m trying... I appreciate the support friend.

  7. @wolfennights Hmm, I’ll have to check this out! Thanks for the recommendation! & don’t feel embarrassed... I think many of us watch shows like that. I know I do... especially when I am super anxious and depressed or cannot quiet my thoughts related to trauma. My dad got angry with me tonight and it triggered some trauma from my past. So now I’m in my room watching SpongeBob, drinking milk, and eating candy, with my stuffed “build-a-bear” polar bear from my preteen years. Lol - so don’t feel bad 😉😊
  8. Enigma87

    I hate the Night

    Oh wow @13rose... this is so powerful, and relatable. I am so sorry the night haunts you in this way. I feel similarly about the night and my traumas. The part you mentioned about being sucked into a time loop feels so true when I’m in bed at night. I’m not sure what to say really. I just want you to know I admire your strength as a survivor, in what you have been through, and being able to communicate and express your feelings in this way. Although sad, you wrote this so beautifully and powerfully. Thank your for sharing. I am sending you kindness and support, as well as sitting with you if y
  9. @LisaButterfly I am in agreement with Sandy12 ❤️ I absolutely love the way you express your thoughts and feelings! This was very heartwarming to read. I look forward to reading more of your blog entries as you share them. I appreciate you being here also! Sending you support and safe hugs also.
  10. Not feeling like myself. I want to be cheerful and motivated, but am dragging and detached from everyone and everything. I’m sorry for being MIA. I love and support you all. ❤️🌺

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @abhaya Thank you so much for saying that. Sending hugs and support to you :hug:❤️

    3. Capulet

      Capulet

      Take all the time you need, friend. ❤️  We are here for you, always - it's okay to not be okay right now, or at least motivated and cheerful.  We love you regardless! :) 

      Big hugs,
      - Cap

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Capulet Thank you so much Cap ❤️ That means a lot :hug:

  11. Talked with old friends today. They are moving on with their lives... dating, getting married, having kids, etc. Meanwhile, I have wasted the past several years of my young life trying to recover from a mental breakdown and effects of trauma. I’m not  sociable anymore. This is not where I thought I’d be in life right now. I feel like such a failure... I’m feeling so much self-hatred and shame. 😢😞

    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. abhaya

      abhaya

      I think it's not negativity, I think there is a real sadness and loss that comes along with trauma.  I support you having whatever space you need to feel how you feel.  I don't think you're a failure, or that you've wasted your life, but I am sending you support and holding space for you to process the loss if it is helpful for you. I don't think feeling this way makes you bad, or a failure, just a human being who has been through more than anyone ever should have to.   Sending support and encouragement and kindness, my friend.

    3. dora

      dora

      @Enigma87 I don’t think this is negative at all. It’s super real and relatable, at least to me. I have felt this way A LOT. For a long, long time. 
      People I grew up with and care for, knew in college, and have worked with have moved forward and have lives and have made these futures for themselves.... and I just haven’t. 
       

      My T has tried to tell me many times that I’m not “behind” or “less than.” It’s just that my experience has been totally different than theirs. That they all have had their own struggles (we all do) but they weren’t having to survive and deal with c-PTSD in the same way I have. (She’s not comparing me to those people in my life, just explaining the difference). 
      I don’t think what you are feeling means it’s been time wasted, although I know I have felt and said the same exact thing about myself. So even though I can’t seem to take my own advice, these last few years you have felt were “wasted” are years you are just trying to survive and heal the best way you can. 
      I just want you to know I HEAR you. I feel the exact same way. I feel shame and like a failure and never thought this is where I would be and what my life would look like at this point. Like not even close. 
      I don’t have a social life either, or many close relationships with anyone at all really cause I can’t figure out how to let people in, trust and be vulnerable enough to create those relationships. 
      I don’t want that life for you. You deserve to heal and have moments and times you will struggle, but mostly have a full life with more joy than pain. 
       

      Sitting here if you want. 

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @dora Aw you made me cry reading this... Thank you so much for making me feel less alone in this. I appreciate you saying you HEAR me more than anything. I’m sorry you have felt this way too. It’s such a painful place to sit in. I’ve been trying to move past these feelings this week. But it’s been quite hard. I really really appreciate your response more than you know and will gladly accept you sitting with me. I hope you are feeling better and working through these feelings too. You also deserve to heal and have a life full of joy more than pain also. I hope that for you too. :hug:❤️

  12. @Poppy_ Aw, I’m so glad you have come back 😊❤️❤️ Sending you safe hugs to welcome you back!
  13. Heavy hearted 💔 :tear: Memorial service on Zoom for my 2nd dad ended about an hour ago. Still feeling the pain...

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      safe hugs :hug:if ok?

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      So very sorry. I lost my dad in May and it still doesn't feel real. :candle:

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @snmls @abhaya @Field8 @Free2Fly @Iheartcupcakes

      Sorry for just now responding...

      Thank you all for your support and kindness during this time. I really appreciate it more than you know. ❤️:bighug:

  14. Hello @Maryphanalia It's awesome to meet you! Welcome to AS! I’m glad you have joined and I hope you (and maybe your friend) will find this community to be supporting and comforting as I have found it to be. Also, I saw your pots and craft work on the most recent healing and creativity post! Beautiful work! I'd love to see more. 😊💕
  15. Enigma87

    Just tired

    Aw @abhaya 😢 ❤️❤️❤️ Your message is so touching. This is really sweet of you to be thinking so deeply of “us”, while you yourself are experiencing such painful feelings and memories. Although I cannot speak for everyone, I’m sure many here are “extremely” appreciative of the heartfelt expressions you have made and the constant support you have given. I personally have enjoyed your expressions and getting to know you thus far. However, I agree with what feralcat and seong98 have said. Please remember to listen to, and take care of yourself as first priority. Maneuvering through difficult memori
  16. Hopeless. Frustrated with myself. I need to be better. 😞

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @BrightSide Aw thank you B :cry:That means a lot to hear you say all of that. I really am trying but feel like I keep sliding backward. Thank you for making me feel like I'm stronger than I feel at the moment. I needed to hear that. I know we are all struggling in some way, so I appreciate your strength and support as always. Yes, thank you for kindly sitting with me. 💕:hug:

    3. Iheartcupcakes

      Iheartcupcakes

      I disagree. You are already enough :throb:

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Iheartcupcakes Aw thank you 😢❤️:hug:

  17. Can’t breathe. Feeling panicked. Not doing well at all.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Enigma87
    3. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Hoping you are feeling better today. :hug: to you.

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @MeBeMary Honestly, not much better, but I'm trying my best to hang in there. Thanks for the hugs :hug:

  18. Woke up feeling paranoid and exposed. :unsure: My experiences are feeling too complicated and heavy. Still keeping secrets. Having the urge to delete every detail I’ve shared here but don’t wanna feel like a coward. Ugh...

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      Your welcome 💛 Safe hugs :hug:if you like? B

    3. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sending support and kindness, @Enigma87

    4. copper_lips

      copper_lips

      Feel better soon...:console:

  19. Yes! This is exactly what I go through... I'm so sorry you go through these feelings too. 💔 Aw, thank you friend. I always have the urge to delete things, but I always try to wait the feeling out and avoid it. This makes me feel good to hear you say that. 💕 Thank you so much for saying this too. I really needed to hear this. No you weren't preachy at all. I will PM you what my religion is, if that is okay. I'm still scared to say it on forums. Maybe one day.
  20. @abhaya Thank you for saying all of this. I really appreciate it more than you know. I still go back and forth about everything. Today has been a day where I just want to delete things in my posts or hide my blog. I just feel so exposed and ashamed. It’s like I want to undo the purging of my story everywhere. I still can’t share my story in the “story” forum. It feels too official there. I still don’t really know what all is my story. I just keep random memories and details in my blog so I can delete or hide it. Yea, kind of. No details were shared with the public. I only shared “minim
  21. @Zoe--Anastasia I’m so glad sharing my experience could be of some help to you. I hope your day is going better. My DBT treatment plan consists of: 1) having an individual session with a DBT-trained T, attending a group session (of maybe 5-10 ppl) that are also in the DBT program, and using coaching calls from my individual T in between, as I need them. The whole focus is on using the skills we learn to effectively manage relationships with others, cope with pain/distress, and regulate our emotions. In the skills group class we have workbooks, and homework, and are taught: mindfulness, in
  22. @abhaya I'm so sorry you have experienced this too. It's so hard to make sense of. I hope your new sense of awareness is bringing you some relief somehow. I'm just now coming to terms with my abuse this year really, at 33. I couldn't even bring myself to call the things that happened to me "abuse" or anything that makes me feel victimized. I can write the words down here 'barely', but cannot say them out loud. I just knew these were situations I didn't want to happen, but they did, and I just thought I need to move on and learn from it. But I am learning it doesn't work like that. I kept my s
  23. @abhaya Yea... you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for sitting with me on this. TW: That’s why it’s been so hard to consider the situation with my teacher “abuse”. He was 33 & I was 14 when we got close, and 15 when he first touched me. He was intimidating, and had a certain kind of control over me, but I still cared about him, believed him, and kept coming back to him. I liked him, but didn’t want all the sexual stuff to begin with. It shocked me and made me nauseous. But I did it because I felt like this is part of what made us close. Idk... As time progressed, I was afraid
  24. @abhaya Aw thank you so much 😢❤️ That’s very kind of you to say these things. I often feel as if I brought a lot of my situations on myself by means of how I coped with things and who I accepted attention or affection from. But I’m trying not to feel that way. Thank you so much for your kind support and for sitting with me. I hope you are well.
  25. Oh wow... I’m so sorry you are dealing with so much! I can relate to just about everything you have written!!! LITERALLY. I “did” have 3 Ts... I have BPD and see a DBT T along with skills group classes. I have a psychiatrist. I “was” seeing an EMDR T for trauma, but she dropped me after she felt like we weren’t hitting our targets - I couldn’t seem to get into the memories and stay in them long enough to process before dissociating again. So now I have 2. My psychiatrist just upped my meds as well. Almost all the urges you have mentioned and the struggles you are currently dealing with I
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