Jump to content

Enigma87

Member
  • Content Count

    459
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by Enigma87

  1. Hey @Kim3 Welcome to AS! Aw thank you for being so kind and encouraging. I often feel embarrassed when sharing experiences like this, and then debate on whether to delete it or not. But I’ve been trying to work on writing out my feelings and memories to get them out. So I thank you for taking time to read it. I hope you feel welcomed as you maneuver through the forums! We are glad to have you here 💕 Feel free to PM me if you’d like. -Enigma ❤️
  2. Trying not to slip into darkness again. Trying to stay hopeful.

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      Oh @Houston please don’t apologize. I appreciate you sitting with me. ❤️ :hug:Thanks for offering to talk.

    3. Capulet

      Capulet

      Sitting with you, friend, holding up a lantern.  There's hope. ❤️ 

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Capulet Sorry for the late response. That reassurance is still very much needed and appreciated. Thank you so much Cap 💕

  3. Feeling a lot and nothing at the same time

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @BrightSide Thanks B ❤️ I really appreciate you sitting with me

    3. Houston

      Houston

      I've felt that too :(

      Sitting with you/safe hugs if okay? :hug:

      -Kim

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Houston Sorry you’ve felt it too. Can’t shake that feeling today :( I hope you are feeling better too. Thanks for the hugs & sitting with me. :hug:❤️

  4. Anxious... My mind is racing 😫

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Your always welcome  🙂 :hug:

    3. Capulet

      Capulet

      Hope you're hanging in there, @Enigma87! ❤️ 

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Capulet Thanks Cap. Trying... :hug:❤️

  5. I completely understand that haunting feeling. I’ve been feeling it over the past few weeks too. I’m so sorry Sam 💔 Although I’m glad you are seeing things in a new light and the need to place the blame on him, I’m so sorry you are experiencing the after effects of such realizations - flashbacks, zoning out, and body sensations. They can be so terrifying. 😖 Keep reaching out for support to work through them, and feel free to talk to me if you want. -Enigma ❤️
  6. @samantha2009 Although, you and I have talked about this before, I just want to say again I’m so sorry you experienced this. I Can relate and understand how you feel more than you know. I was 15 and felt the same way with my teacher about not picking up on signs, or if I did, I ignoring them thinking a teacher wouldn’t do this to a student. I would question whether there was something I must have done to merit his attention in that way. He would do the whole hand-on-thigh thing, flirt with me, look at my chest or down my shirt, massage my shoulders, give long hugs, poke/tickle me, until that one day it went overtly sexual and there was no mistaking what he was doing. Like Kim said, it’s too hard to mentally and emotionally digest that a teacher would do such things. I’m so so sorry Sam. You didn’t deserve this. Neither of us did. You were not stupid or ignorant at all. He’s the one completely at fault. Sending hugs and sitting with you on this -Enigma ❤️❤️
  7. It’s always my fault... I’m done

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. samantha2009

      samantha2009

      @Enigma87 it’s not your fault, friend :hug:🌻

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Free2Fly Thanks Free :hug:

      @samantha2009 Thank you for saying that :hug:❤️

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Anytime enigma  :)  :hug:

  8. I hate me

    1. Capulet

      Capulet

      ❤️  One of those days, friend?  
      Sitting with you.  You're adored and supported.  

    2. Celia

      Celia

      Sitting with you and hugs if okay :console:

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @Capulet @Celia Yes, not a good day. Thank you both 😢❤️

  9. Enigma87

    Lost and Confused

    I’m not sure I have the best words to communicate just how powerful your post is. You have so eloquently described the fear, pain, and endurance one goes through in living with a history of abuse or trauma. I know you were describing your experience and how you personally have been affected. I am so deeply moved and am so sorry for the trauma and pain you have suffered. I can feel it’s impact in your words. I must tell you, your words resonated with me as well. Especially, about the square trying to fit into the circle, and trying to shave the edges to fit in. That sits heavy with me. I feel that has been, and is currently, my life in almost all aspects. Feeling like I don’t quite fit in anywhere. Although you may not feel this way, I do believe you are not beyond help. Or at least that’s what I believe we must keep telling ourselves to make it day by day. I will not pretend to know exactly how you feel, because your situation is yours and has impacted you in ways only you can feel or describe. But please don’t feel alone in your pain. We are (I am) here at AS. Sending you a ton of support and sitting with you if okay? ❤️ -Enigma
  10. Sorry @mango_star1, I meant to respond sooner. Yea, it’s been a hard thing to come to terms with. But I’m working with my T to process things. Thank you again for your kind words. ❤️
  11. @feralcat Thank you for reading this. It stills makes me feel gross and embarrassed. I agree with you in referring to my view of men from my religious upbringing, and as a teacher in being an authority figure. I was taught not to challenge such men. So I appreciate you reassuring me it was he who preyed on me, not some mutual misconduct like I made myself believe. I blame myself so much for not being more defiant or assertive. For continuing to meet with him, and give into his advances. He made me feel like I was so confused and wanted it all as much as he did. This part you quoted was huge for me. Thank you 😢 I’m not sure I have anything else to say. Just thank you.
  12. Thank you so much for reading this @Viceless. ❤️ It took a lot out of me to write this down and publicly post it. I feel gross about it all. But I'm tired of keeping secrets out of shame and fear. It's crazy how normal or maybe routine things became to me over the four years things happened. Now, that I'm older and am beginning to talk about it in therapy, I'm just really grapsing how wrong things were. So I appreciate the assurance that "he abused his power, and I am not to blame". That statement may seem obvious to others, but I struggle with believing that at times. Certain things relating to art can be triggering at times. But art and creativity feel so natural to me that it is something I find hard to give up. So thank you for saying I am resilient. That means a lot when I feel like a crumbling mess a lot of the time.
  13. Oh, no need to delete anything @mango_star1 I really appreciate your words. ❤️ Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope it wasn't too disturbing. I feel gross about it all... Yea, my therapist told me about his obligation to report domestic violence too. It's sad how things could have been different. At the time, I had so much fear about my family being disrupted and my dad getting in trouble, especially since he had an influential position in our religious community. I wasn't thinking about his obligation as a teacher. I guess that shows how corrupt he was to begin with. My father was emotionally distant and violent. So FM felt like the opposite. and I guess I fell for his crap 😞 Yea, after having joined AS, I sadly realized that my situation was not unique. It's so sad how often this kind of thing happens between teachers and students. 💔 Thank you for saying this Mango. I really needed to hear that.
  14. This is a journal entry I have held private from posting to my blog for the past few weeks. It is extremely embarrassing, nauseating, and upsetting to write about. However, the body memories and flashback became so vivid that I needed to release it. My T says, the more I suppress or hide experiences like this, the more power I am giving my shame. So here it is. ____ A couple of months ago, if you asked me about my relationship with my art teacher FM, I would have said he was smart and gentle, but strong. He was a talented artist, a mentor, a confidant, a safety net, someone I could trust to look out for me and who’d gone out of his way to make sure I excelled in my art career. I would even say he got me where I am today professionally, 15 years later. Yes, he was in fact all of those things. Yet, there were also parts of him that were not so desirable, that I subconsciously chose to forget. As I’ve been opening up about him in therapy little by little, such undesirable parts begin to resurface. Unfortunately, some, like this one, I wish had stayed forgotten. TRIGGER WARNING!!!! (Graphic) I’m sorry in advance... 😔 Almost a year had gone by since things had begun with FM. So I was 16. Unfortunately, our sexual encounters had become somewhat routine for me although I would still be anxious all the time. I’d made more friends and began to stand out academically. I had begun talking to boys more now. Yet, I was still shy and insecure by default. So I felt like I never really meshed well with anyone. It was lunch period. I walked into FM’s classroom. He came over, hugged me, then went behind me to lock the doors as normal, so no one would a walk in. His classroom was somewhat off from the rest of the school. His room and office were not visible from the hallway. A person would have go through the print lab to get to his room. So there were two doors between us and the hallway that he would lock. Very little sound could be heard either. He came back, kissed me, and asked how my day has been going. I can’t remember what I said. Something generic. He was listening, then walked behind me grabbed my waist and started kissing my side of my neck. I let him, but I remember nervously asking if would be okay not to “do stuff” today? He stopped, and asked me why. I told him I was tired and just not into it today. Although he was a gentle and relatively quiet man, he was very muscular and intimidating in stature. So I was nervous. He let me go then walked from behind me and sat against the edge of his desk looking to face me, and said, “Is it because of that boy? ...I saw you talking to him earlier.” I felt what seemed like my heart clench. I asked, “what boy?” He said, “you know... the tall Hispanic guy on the baseball team.” I looked down at the floor and said, “well yea, I mean... he’s cute and I think he’s interested in me. But you know my parents. You know my religion. I can’t date now anyway.” I remember feeling a knot in my throat and my heart was beating fast for some reason. He calmly asked me to look up at him. He said, “Babe, it’s natural for you to be interested in boys at your age. And I don’t blame him for looking at you. Who wouldn’t want you? You’re hot.” I remember blushing but still feeling nervous that he was mad or something. He paused for a minute. Then he said, “H... do you want him to kiss you? Touch you?” I looked down again, and said, “God F, I don’t even know him like that.” He said, “but you know that’s what HE wants, right? To kiss... and touch you...” Without saying anything, he just stood up and walked behind me again. I felt myself shaking a little. He grabbed me by my waist again, and stood really close behind me so I could feel his p* hard against me. He whispered in my ear, “I bet you he wants to do this...” And he slid his hands up under my shirt and underneath my bra and started squeezing my bare breasts and n*s. I gasped and held my breath for a second. I remember feeling super tingly but upset and confused, since I said I wasn’t up to anything today. He said, “and this”... While he was still grabbing my breasts, he kissed and sucked on my neck again. I’m embarrassed to say I felt really aroused, but nauseous at the same time, knowing this was just the beginning and he wasn’t gonna give me a break today like I asked. I swallowed what felt like a lump in my throat, and figured let me just try to relax and like it. After some time of doing that, he told me to stay there, and that he wanted to show me something. My stomach was twisting and turning when he walked away into his office, since he was always wanting to do new things I wasn’t ready for. I quickly pulled my bra and shirt back down into position, and sat up on a table that was against the side wall. It was one of those basic but sturdy school tables that was black on top with wooden legs. He came back with this weird look in his eyes and smug look on his face. He was hiding something behind his back. I leaned forward to get up off of the table, and he grabbed my thigh and said, “no no babe, you can stay right there.” He smiled and revealed what was behind his back to be a vibrator. I knew what one was at this point in my life, but just never used one before. I felt myself getting fidgety and said, “Um... F, I don’t know... I’ve never...” He cut me off and said, “Babe, it’s okay. Let’s just try it.” I knew the drill... whatever I said wasn’t really gonna change his mind or stop him at this point. So I felt myself going numb and on autopilot. He stroked my thigh said, “It’s okay baby... You’ll like it, I promise.” He laid the vibrator down next to me, and said “lean back a little, against the wall”... I can’t remember exactly. It gets fuzzy for me at this point of the memory, because I felt I was slowly detaching. I think he told me to undo and pull my pants down and that I could leave my underwear on. Or he may have done it for me. Idk... Something like that... I just remember my pants were at my ankles, and I was leaning back at an angle against the wall with my legs bent, on this table facing him. I vaguely remember him grabbing my knees and pushing them apart to open my legs so that I was completely open and exposed to him. The next thing I remember, was that he had the vibrator in his hand, and turned it on. The buzzing sound still seems so real in my memory of this moment. I remember him smiling at me and breathing heavily, which made me really anxious. Meanwhile, I was holding my breath scared of what this would feel like or make me do. He said calmly, “Baby relax, it’s okay. I promise... You don’t have to do anything. I just want to watch you enjoy it.” Then he asked me to touch it first, so I could feel the vibration. I did and felt goosebumps knowing this was going to feel very “different”. He slowly put the tip of it on my inner thigh right near my private and stayed there for a minute. I was still holding my breath, waiting for him to get on with it. Then he moved it slowly to my private area and stopped on that sensitive spot. I have a hard saying certain words, I’m sorry. I felt myself automatically jump and gasp. I hadn’t felt anything like that before. As he kept it there, he asked me to look at him so he could see my beautiful eyes, as he would say. Then at some point he asked me how did it feel. I honestly couldn’t concentrate on what he was asking me. I began breathing harder, and just nodded and closed my eyes. He chuckled and said, “see there? I knew you’d like it.” He started moving it a little, up and down and in circles. I started shaking and making noises. I felt embarrassed from how I was acting. I was trying to keep still, but I was absolutely losing it. I was shaking, and felt myself start tensing and jerking. He stroked my thigh with his free hand and said, “oh “H”... that’s it baby... that’s my sweet girl... let it all go” I felt so sick hearing him say that, but was upset and ashamed that I was turned on by everything at the same time. I tried not to let myself go there, but I couldn’t help it, and totally gave into the pleasure. I was panting, and he started breathing hard too. I felt flushed, and tingly. I hate how good it felt. I zoned out, and stopped caring that he was watching me. I had succumb to the version of myself I viewed as “the dirty me, or bad me”. He told me to touch my n*s to get there faster. So I did that, and I automatically felt that “high”... that tingly flushing feeling down there and through my legs just before it happens, and then the down period right after. It kind of became like a drug for me. I would get lost in that feeling. He turned the vibrator off, put it down next to me, leaned in to kiss my lips, and took his hand to slowly rub me there for a minute as if he were calming me down. He slid his fingers inside my underwear, put them partly inside me, then pulled his fingers out to show me see how w*t I was. I was still lightheaded and amazed at how this new thing made me feel. I didn’t see when he did this, but his zipper was down and his p* was sticking straight out. I must have been zoned out or something. He told me I turned him on. He was touching himself and panting hard watching me as I was catching my breath to calm down. For a really quick moment I felt connected and happy with him. I know, it was a really weird thing... but I did. He did his usual chuckle after I would climax, and tell me how hot and beautiful that was. He asked me to touch “him”, I looked down and said I didn’t want to. Surprisingly, he said “okay... maybe another day.” It was weird that he didn’t force the issue. He asked me to watch as he did ‘what he needed to for himself’, cleaned himself up, and then put his p* back in his pants. I thought we were done. I was tired. But as soon as I leaned forward to sit up so I could pull my pants up, he grabbed my thighs and said, “No sweetie, not just yet.. I’m not quite done with you.” I tried to respectfully say, “I’m tired, and we don’t have a lot of time left.” He said, “this won’t take long.” I didn’t know what he meant by that. But he got that weird smug look on his face again all of the sudden. He picked up the vibrator, and turned it back on, and placed it back on me, where it was before. I held my breath again, and was a little scared. He pressed it harder against me than he had done before so I felt the vibration shoot through my body. It was feeling really uncomfortable. I started squirming and told him it hurt a little and was too much. He ignored me, and told me to look up at him so he could see my eyes again. His face had gone cold. There was no mistaking he was being serious with me at this moment for some reason. He pushed it harder on me and I shivered. He said, “tell me... do you like that boy?” I was getting clammy and bothered by the vibrator and couldn’t form words. All of the sudden the vibration got stronger and he started moving it on me. He must have turned it up a speed or something. He asked me the same question again. I was panting and whimpering and said, “no no, I don’t like him.” Tears began falling at this point, and I was pleading with him to stop it. The feeling was hard to explain. Part of it felt good, but really sensitive and painful at the same time. I grabbed his arm that was holding the vibrator and desperately begged him to take it off from me down there. He calmly smiled and said, “No sweetheart, not yet. I need to know you mean it.” I begged and cried, “I do, I do mean it, please!” He said, “Ok good. Now, tell me you’re mine.” I was squirming and trying to move out from under the vibrator, but he kept pushing it harder against me, while using his other arm or hand to hold me in place, to keep me from avoiding it. I was so frustrated and scared at the same time. I felt like something bad was going to happen. He just wouldn’t let go or ease up. I began feeling kind of lightheaded and faint. I heard him but could barely think straight. He turned it up even more to what felt like the highest setting, and I squealed or made some kind of noise louder than usual. He leaned forward closer to me and chuckled and shushed me like I was some unruly child. I felt so upset and powerless in his control at that moment. I remembered for a second that we were still at school and I certainly didn’t want anyone to accidentally hear me and see this horrible thing happening. I remember reaching for anything I could grab ahold to because it was all so intense. I threw my head back and pled with him asking, “oh god F... just tell me what you want me to to say, I’ll say it...” He repeated calmly but sternly, “H, tell me your mine. You’re MY girl.” I said really fast between breaths, “I’m yours F... I’m your girl...”. Then he turned it down a level. I let out a deep breath, and still wanted it off. But then, I felt conflicted. After all that pain and sensitivity, I began to feel the tingly flushing sensation happen again, the feeling I get just before I... I hated how FM could always tell I was getting close. So he started saying something about me liking it after all, and how I was being a good girl now. That tingly flushing feeling took over, and stupid me grabs the vibrator while his hand is still on it and asks him to keep it on that particular spot/angle so I could finish. He laughed, called me his dirty little girl, and coached me until I climaxed. Then, he finally shut it off and touched me down there, saying I was beautiful and I was all his. Then he leaned into kiss me. He told me to remember that no boy would be able to please me like he could. He said a few other things I couldn’t remember. I was zoning out again while still catching my breath and wiping tears. I looked at his face, and the cold look began to soften. He smiled, playfully grabbed my thigh, and calmly told me I’d better get dressed and get myself together so I could be ready for my next class. He walked off and started doing something normal like erasing or writing on the whiteboard. I can’t even remember. I just remember feeling so so numb, and out of my body again... so detached from everyone and everything the rest of that day. I didn’t know how to feel about FM at that moment. I still cared about him but was a little afraid of him now. ____ Ugh... I just feel so sick about this. I’m sorry.
  15. Enigma87

    Powerless...

    💔 I can definitely see your pain in this. I’m so sorry... Safe hugs & sitting with you
  16. Numb

    1. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      Safe comforting hugs if you would like? :hug:B. 💛

    2. Capulet

      Capulet

      ❤️  Sitting with you.

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      Thanks @BrightSide I appreciate the hugs :hug:

      Thanks @Capulet for sitting with me ❤️

      I hope you both are well

  17. Enigma87

    Downward Spiral

    Wow, this drawing really depicts the feelings you have described quite well. I’m so sorry you are struggling. Please know you are not alone and we are here. ❤️
  18. I’m sorry I’m just now responding. I had to get my thoughts together before coming back to this post. But I wanted to say thank you for your kind and supportive expressions. @RubyRosie Thank you for reading this. I’m grateful to you for being supportive and encouraging when I need it. Thank you for everything you’ve said. I really truly appreciate it. Hearing your explanation has eased some of my anxiety although I’m still coming to terms with things. Thanks for sitting with me on this. ❤️ @Kaley Nice meeting you and welcome to AS! I thank you for being so understanding and taking the time to read my post. It was hard to write and and nerve-racking to post. Hearing others like yourself that can relate without blaming themselves makes me feel better and sets an good example. I appreciate your kindness. ❤️ Thank you both
  19. Enigma87

    13 - mom letter

    Wow. I cannot express how much I absolutely respect and admire this. Thank you for sharing! ❤️
  20. I wrote a first draft of this earlier in a blog I keep hidden as a mental and emotional release. I was ashamed of what happened and have felt guilty thinking I was to blame for having frozen when forced, and being much older than the guy this happened with. I had no idea what to call this. However, I think I am ready to break the silence on this. So here it goes… ____ My younger sister had just gotten married, and I was ready to get away after being engulfed in all the planning. I was in AA at the time, and had been sober for 8 months, so I was proud of that progress. I decided to go visit friends out of town for a couple of weeks. At the end of my last week there, I went with my best friend to a party at a friend’s apartment. The guy whose apartment it was, was out of town and had his friend “IR”, watch the apartment and take care of his cat while he was gone. We had a good time, and then "IR" brought alcohol out. I kept declining and saying I really shouldn’t. But eventually, I felt left out of the fun, and took a drink. Then, we played a drinking game. I drank quite a bit. By the end of the game, my friend and I could not drive home. So “IR” said, we girls could sleep in the extra bedroom where there were two beds. An alarm went off in my head after a similar scenario happened leading up to my r* just 7 years prior. But my friend drove and said everything would be okay. IR even gave us clean basketball shorts and tanks to wear for the night. I crashed on one bed, while my best friend slept in the other bed. We really should have slept together if we were thinking straight. I’d fallen asleep. All of the sudden, I feel a body next to me. It was a guy and he was breathing heavily and spooning me. He started kissing my neck and slipped his arm over in front of me from behind, and put his hand up my tank squeezing my breast and ni*. I literally froze. This was all too familiar from 7 years ago where I woke up to being r*d in bed in the dark. I was still woozy from having drunk too much. I turned over to see it was “IR”. It was dark, but I could tell it was him. He shushed me, climbed on top of me, and put both of his hands under my tank now squeezing my breasts, and then lifted it up and put his mouth on my ni*. I tried to squirm out from under him, but he was much bigger and heavier than me and he kept moving from one breast to the other. I froze again and felt like I was beginning to mentally drift. I was scared, and just let him do what he was doing out of fright. Then he laid back beside me, and put his hand, the one closest to me, down my shorts and started rubbing me, while fingering me, and then reached over and grabbed my hand closest to him, and put it down his shorts on his p*. I was too scared and felt so ashamed that this was happening again to me. I remember quickly taking my hand out of his shorts, and he shoved it back in, and whispered “come on, stop playing!” I didn’t want to touch him, and I certainly didn’t want him to touch me either, but I was already becoming aroused by all he’d been doing to me, and he was strong and wouldn't let up. I could feel he was getting mad at me for not cooperating. I didn't know what he would do. He shoved multiple fingers in me so that it hurt, and then used his other hand to move my my hand on his p*, forcing me to masturbate him. I used my other free hand furthest from him, and grabbed onto his hand that was hurting me and whispering “stop, please, that hurts”. I remember trying to move his hand, whimpering from the pain. He kept shushing me and whispering to me to be quiet and just take it. I couldn’t even focus on my other hand on his p* in his shorts. I could just feel it getting firmer. I could tell he wasn’t going to let up on me or me on him. Then, I felt that tingly flushing feeling, and at that point, I couldn’t help but feel pleasure. I cli*d on right there on his hand. I felt so gross, dirty and ashamed. I remember feeling so numb and then drifted outside of my body again… like I wasn’t even there. At the same time, he wouldn’t let my hand go on his p* until he ej*d in my hand. He was breathing heavily, and made some disgusting noises, and a sigh of relief when it happened. He leaned over to kiss me, then turned over to go to sleep like everything that just happened was normal. I turned over facing away from him and curled into a ball. I still felt the pain down there, yet I was numb all over, and felt like the lowest of the lowest. I quietly cried myself to sleep that night. I was too traumatized to even go to the bathroom and clean myself up. I woke up to an empty bed. He was asleep on the couch outside of the bedroom now. I was so numb and felt so stupid for relapsing into drinking, and letting this kind of thing happen to me yet again. I felt like SA had become my normal. Did I give off a vibe that I wanted this or something? I was nice to him that night, but I never flirted with him to make him think I wanted to do more. I was confused about what happened and just wanted to get out of that apartment. My best friend said she was buzzed too, and vaguely remembered hearing panting and grunting, but just thought maybe we just hooked up or something. I couldn’t even get out the words to tell her he forced me, because I was still in shock and ashamed. I left town and drove back home (a 10-hour drive) the next day. I was ready to just drive off the road at various points of the trip, so that maybe I could make it seem like an accident. Then I get a call from my best friend saying, “Hey can you believe what I just found out?! “IR” is only 19 years old?!! Girl, I thought he was at least 25! Isn’t that crazy?!" I held it together on the phone, hung up, pulled over, and my whole body went numb… I just realized this 19 year old "boy", snuck into my bed and did those things the night before. He was a really big guy, tall and stocky, with a lot of facial hair, serving drinks and everything, so I thought he was at least 21 or older. He looked my age to be honest. I was 29 at this point. I felt so sick to my stomach and vomited outside on the side of the road. All of these thoughts raced through my head. When I was around "IR's" age, I’d been repeatedly mol*d by a man in his 30s for years, and then r*d by a 40 year old man soon after that. And here I am 29, almost 30, having been in bed with a 19 year old. I automatically felt sick, like a predator. I didn’t want to do those things with him that night, but I froze and was scared... of what I found out to be a 19 YEAR OLD! What is wrong with me?! Why did I freeze like that? Why didn’t I yell or scream? Meanwhile, my friend tells me when he found out I was 29, he thought it was an accomplishment. I hated that and felt so gross and violated. I attempted suicide again the following week. I felt so horrible. It hasn’t been that long since this happened, and I finally told my friend that I didn’t want to do what happened. She asked if we should do something about it. I said no out of shame and embarrassment. Who would believe a 29 year old was SA’ed by a teenager? I still feel sick and horrible about it. I have recurring nightmares about it… me being scared to find a body next to me in bed in the dark, me freezing, the arousal, the pain I felt, the embarrassment I felt for cli*ing, him using my hand to make him… Ugh. So now, when I start to feel bad about years of SA from multiple men, I feel like a hypocrite... I feel like I don’t deserve to feel bad because I let this teenager do these sick and awful things to my body and himself. It doesn’t matter whether I knew his age or not. And no, he wasn't a minor. But it's still very close. The facts of the situation are enough to make me physically sick. I’m still having trouble trying to come back from this. If you have gotten this far, thank you for reading it. I still feel uneasy as if people would view me differently. However, I’m just so tired of keeping so many secrets like this.
  21. @Myalovesyouall Hi Mya, welcome to AS! I’m so sorry to hear all you have been through and are currently going through. That sounds like so much to deal with. Might I say, you are so brave for telling someone and reporting it. That is super hard to do, but very admirable. Please know that unfortunately, many of us here can relate to your experience and are here to support you. ❤️ I was 15 too, when my 33 year old art teacher began sexually abusing me. It carried on until just before I turned 19. I’ve just begun to understand what he had been doing was very wrong too, and just opened up to my therapist and this website about it a couple of months ago myself. So I totally get that feeling of trying to make sense of things that seemed kind of routine, and come to terms with it. It’s still registering in my mind that he was wrong. Again, welcome! and please know you are not alone. Sending you much support! -Engima ❤️
  22. I've been meaning to comment on your latest drawings. This is a very neat concept. The idea of running from your abusers to "you" and not even knowing who you are... I don't have any words of significance right now, other than I can somewhat relate. But I just wanted to let you know this is such a great metaphor and I see where you are going and feeling with this. Sitting with you 💔
  23. Enigma87

    Not Sure What This Is

    I really connect with imagery sometimes more than words. So I appreciate when a person chooses art to communicate their feelings. It feels so organic. I'm glad you were able to get it out on paper. I'm also glad you are finding art as a way to communicate your pain over other harmful ways. I get it and connect with you on that. Sending safe hugs
  24. Enigma87

    Not Sure What This Is

    Hmm.... Interesting. Let me first start by saying, I'm sorry you are feeling dissociated. I can see that reflected in your piece here. From what you know about me, I am deeply interested in deciphering the meaning in of works of art. Also, please know these are solely my observations.. 🧐 I'm assuming the red areas are inflammation, tension, or pain you are feeling radiating through your body. The black ribcage (and possibly sternum) seem like to represent the darkness you are feeling inside, especially as the structure encaging your heart... which is the figurative center of your emotions. The black scribbles... may be the swirl and chaos of anxiety and emotional pain you're feeling causing the dissociation you mentioned. Just observations from the outside looking in. I could be totally wrong. 🙃 Very interesting though. I'm glad you are using art to express your feelings and state of being. I find it to be such a helpful outlet myself. Sitting with you if okay ❤️
×
×
  • Create New...