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Enigma87

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About Enigma87

  • Birthday April 21

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    USA
  • Interests
    Art, Music, Latin dancing, Tech, Animals

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Can’t breathe. Feeling panicked. Not doing well at all.

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Enigma87
    3. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      Hoping you are feeling better today. :hug: to you.

    4. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @MeBeMary Honestly, not much better, but I'm trying my best to hang in there. Thanks for the hugs :hug:

  2. Woke up feeling paranoid and exposed. :unsure: My experiences are feeling too complicated and heavy. Still keeping secrets. Having the urge to delete every detail I’ve shared here but don’t wanna feel like a coward. Ugh...

    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. BrightSide

      BrightSide

      Your welcome 💛 Safe hugs :hug:if you like? B

    3. abhaya

      abhaya

      Sending support and kindness, @Enigma87

    4. copper_lips

      copper_lips

      Feel better soon...:console:

  3. Yes! This is exactly what I go through... I'm so sorry you go through these feelings too. 💔 Aw, thank you friend. I always have the urge to delete things, but I always try to wait the feeling out and avoid it. This makes me feel good to hear you say that. 💕 Thank you so much for saying this too. I really needed to hear this. No you weren't preachy at all. I will PM you what my religion is, if that is okay. I'm still scared to say it on forums. Maybe one day.
  4. @abhaya Thank you for saying all of this. I really appreciate it more than you know. I still go back and forth about everything. Today has been a day where I just want to delete things in my posts or hide my blog. I just feel so exposed and ashamed. It’s like I want to undo the purging of my story everywhere. I still can’t share my story in the “story” forum. It feels too official there. I still don’t really know what all is my story. I just keep random memories and details in my blog so I can delete or hide it. Yea, kind of. No details were shared with the public. I only shared “minimal” details of what happened with the man online with the 3 elders that counseled me, my parents, and my sister. They listened and didn’t say too much more about it. It’s hard to explain. The only SA they know of is the assault from the minister since he was reported by someone else. Everything else... they have no clue. I generally like my religion. It’s just very different and we are expected to live by high standards. So it can be hard sometimes when I feel more sinful or defective in comparison to most in my religion. I’m trying to work through my feelings about it all though. Thank you for your kind words as always. ❤️
  5. @Zoe--Anastasia I’m so glad sharing my experience could be of some help to you. I hope your day is going better. My DBT treatment plan consists of: 1) having an individual session with a DBT-trained T, attending a group session (of maybe 5-10 ppl) that are also in the DBT program, and using coaching calls from my individual T in between, as I need them. The whole focus is on using the skills we learn to effectively manage relationships with others, cope with pain/distress, and regulate our emotions. In the skills group class we have workbooks, and homework, and are taught: mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotion regulation. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a type of exposure therapy that involves ‘bilateral stimulation’ of the brain while holding a memory in mind, together with the feelings, sensations, emotions and beliefs connected to it. It helps you overcome the effects of trauma. Here’s a forum topic here on AS that has more information: I’m sorry you haven’t had the best experiences with medication. They do feel like they can be counterproductive sometimes! I also was put on Zoloft at first. Even though it did seem to help with my symptoms, I had tremors with it. So after some time, my psychiatrist decided to have me switch to Wellbutrin XL, and it seems to be working I guess. But I agree, if you can find other natural ways of relieving your symptoms, then that is so much better! I wish you the best ❤️ I’m glad my rambling made you feel better haha. Yes, it is always comforting to know others can relate. You made me feel less alone too! I was literally laying in bed feeling like I cannot be helped and I should stop trying to get better. But I think we can get in our way sometimes. DBT is very hard stuff. Don’t underestimate the hard work that goes into it. I have felt the same way at times where I feel like I’m just not getting it, or that I will never be “skillful” enough. But my T says it will take time and effort. She always reminds me to think of how long it took me to develop these habits or the seriousness of my past, and to be compassionate with myself in accepting that it may take some time to recondition myself to use skills in place of the harmful coping mechanisms I have used for so long. So although it does take some level of willingness and determination, please be gentle and patient with yourself. It’s hard stuff. I’m so sorry for the CSA you experienced. 💔I can see why you would feel the need to lie, pretend, ignore and lie to keep yourself safe. No child should have to live that way. I get that feeling when it comes to avoiding making my parents (moreso my dad) mad as a kid. I did the same to avoid a beating or whipping. I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with working too. That’s where I am right now. I’m trying to have some sort of routine or work schedule but my depression keeps me from being fully engaged. It’s frustrating. An Intensive Outpatient Program isn’t a bad idea if you feel it could be helpful for you. I was in back in 2016. It lasted a month and it was the beginning of my mental health journey. I’m glad I did it. However, only you can make that decision, and possibly with the help or advice of your T. Ha... This statement you made resonated with me: ”I love to hate myself and I do it often.” I do the same thing. My T asks me at the end of every session, “So what are you going to do for your self-care this week?” I hate that question lol. But it’s really important. I’ve also found mindfulness and certain guided meditations about self-compassion to be soothing too, when I am willing to do them that is. Anyway, I really hope things improve for your and that you continue to reach out here to us for support! We are glad you are here. I am here if you ever want to message me! Still sitting with you and sending safe hugs if you want them! ❤️❤️
  6. @abhaya I'm so sorry you have experienced this too. It's so hard to make sense of. I hope your new sense of awareness is bringing you some relief somehow. I'm just now coming to terms with my abuse this year really, at 33. I couldn't even bring myself to call the things that happened to me "abuse" or anything that makes me feel victimized. I can write the words down here 'barely', but cannot say them out loud. I just knew these were situations I didn't want to happen, but they did, and I just thought I need to move on and learn from it. But I am learning it doesn't work like that. I kept my sexual experiences so private that I ended up carrying a sense of shame with it. I would act/feel free and liberated in those moments that I became that alter ego, or other person. But then I would shift right back to the quiet, respectable and straight-laced version of me for the public and carry this guilt for being secretive of my sexual sins. TW!!! - I had smaller incidents happen when I was younger before my teacher that I am also understanding were wrong, but I think he was the one to have the most impact on me. My teacher over the years would tease me for being a closeted freak, and say he took credit for bringing out the passionate sexual side of me. 🤢 But then he would also threaten me with it, saying how everyone would judge me if they knew how dirty I really was. During and after my situation with my teacher, I did go through a rebellious phase in my late teens, but it was still only with my peers who were also rebelling. I kept it hidden from plain sight from most everyone else. My family and religious community still looked at me as the golden girl of a religious leader. But that is what got me in trouble with the minister when I was 22. He was from out of town, and knew one of the girls I came with that night. We all were living what we call 'double lives' in my religion. He was older, had privileges within the congregation in his hometown (under the same religion), and could see I was living one way for my father in front of the public, and then another way, rebelling and struggling on the inside. So he used that against me and basically taught me a lesson by drugging my drink and SAing me, saying I was asking for it... because I wanted to rebel and be defiant. So I have blamed myself for years for letting him see that side of me, and using it to hurt me so badly. He's been excommunicated since after other girls came forward. Then, time after time, I kept dating men within my religion that had some level of notoriety in the religion, but were abusive behind closed doors - like my father. Two of my boyfriends SA'ed me off and on. After my last serious relationship, I had a breakdown, tried to get my life together, but was r*ed again the very next year by another guy in my religion I barely knew after a party one night. That was a little over 3 years ago. Then men in my dad's circle, have been forward with me also, and it feel like there has been nothing I could do about it. It's as if they can tell I'm hiding something and they push boundaries, as if they're testing me to sin, knowing I won't tell because I have too many secrets, don't want to make a scene, and don't want to jeopardize my father's position. I feel that's what has always haunted me... trying to keep face. When underneath, I often feel like am crumbling inside. I just confessed a sin a month ago, that publicly shamed me and my family. It was something totally out of character for me. I confessed it because I genuinely felt bad and wanted God's forgiveness, and because I was tired of being perfect. Either out of self harm, or release, I wanted everyone to know I am not perfect and have been struggling. Now, although I am a bit relieved, I am left with a measure of shame and judgement, and am still struggling to handle it all. Sorry, I feel like I word vomited... a lot of this came out as I was typing, and I don't think I want to delete it... yet. This is so the opposite of me in real life. I am like a vault that very few know about.
  7. @abhaya Yea... you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for sitting with me on this. TW: That’s why it’s been so hard to consider the situation with my teacher “abuse”. He was 33 & I was 14 when we got close, and 15 when he first touched me. He was intimidating, and had a certain kind of control over me, but I still cared about him, believed him, and kept coming back to him. I liked him, but didn’t want all the sexual stuff to begin with. It shocked me and made me nauseous. But I did it because I felt like this is part of what made us close. Idk... As time progressed, I was afraid that I would be in trouble too, and didn’t want anyone to find out the shameful things we did. I felt like I had a problem and was addicted to him or something, even when I didn’t want to be. Like I had an alter ego specific to giving into doing things with him. This version of me would come out when things became overwhelming and confusing and especially, when he was ignoring me saying no or stop. I’d either freeze and blank out, or shift into this playful primal role, if that description makes any sense. Now that I’m older, it’s sickening to think back to. But I still struggle with freeze and/or that “alter ego shift” even as a young adult when I feel pressure or anxiety in sexual situations. So it’s so hard to put all the blame on him when I know what I did with him. Sorry that response was longer than I expected it to be. 😬 Sitting with you too ❤️
  8. @abhaya Aw thank you so much 😢❤️ That’s very kind of you to say these things. I often feel as if I brought a lot of my situations on myself by means of how I coped with things and who I accepted attention or affection from. But I’m trying not to feel that way. Thank you so much for your kind support and for sitting with me. I hope you are well.
  9. Oh wow... I’m so sorry you are dealing with so much! I can relate to just about everything you have written!!! LITERALLY. I “did” have 3 Ts... I have BPD and see a DBT T along with skills group classes. I have a psychiatrist. I “was” seeing an EMDR T for trauma, but she dropped me after she felt like we weren’t hitting our targets - I couldn’t seem to get into the memories and stay in them long enough to process before dissociating again. So now I have 2. My psychiatrist just upped my meds as well. Almost all the urges you have mentioned and the struggles you are currently dealing with I can totally relate to as well. From the lack of routine, to not exercising, to the isolation, etc. That’s why I am up at 2:45am (EST USA) on here right now. Although I work for myself during the day from home, I often take naps in between working on projects, which I have been extending deadlines for... then I cannot sleep at night. Like you also said, I get restless, try watching TV/movies, eat/drink, over medicate, but then end up engaging excessive m* as a release and self harm at the same time - which ultimately triggers me. @Zoe--Anastasia I seriously could have written this myself lol. SO weird... but somewhat reassuring to know I am not the only one. I’m not sure what to offer other since I’m still trying to dig my way out of all of this too... but I just wanted to respond to your question as to if anyone could relate, because I definitely can! I will also say to please hang in there and continue to reach out here, as well as be open and honest with your support team of Ts - especially, DBT. That is what has been helping me. I haven’t been the best at using my skills lately. But my my DBT T has been on me about them. I had to move back in with my family after a breakdown a few years ago, when I also received my BPD diagnosis and began DBT. With all the things I’ve been doing over the past few months (and not doing), I believe my family thinks I’m crazy lol. They hinted at inpatient care last week because I’ve been so different. As you know, having BPD yourself, I never usually express my emotions. I’ve kept them locked up for so long just to survive my trauma. I wasn’t really allowed to show emotion growing up, and if I did, it cost me a beating. So I became really numb and calm outwardly, and internalized the storm of emotions that constantly overwhelm me. That led to me coping in very unhealthy ways from a very young age. So to my family, in the outside, I grew up to be seemingly calm, quiet, and collected, not realizing the pain and trauma/abuse I was suppressing and hiding from everyone. However, with my latest bout of depression and anxiety, and increase in meds, I have been more expressive or on edge. I also pretty much keep to myself in my room lol. My family isn’t used to this me. But my DBT T has been amazing in reassuring me despite my struggling with many of the same things you mentioned, that I am still trying my best and simply live in an invalidating environment that is not sure how to handle “this version of me they never see”. Although being accountable is important, also remember to have some self compassion in dealing with all of this. I am trying to remember that myself. 😓 Feel free to PM me if you want/need. Sitting with you in the meantime if okay ❤️❤️❤️
  10. I'm struggling to make it through the night. It was a rough day. I feel like I'm not being as supportive to everyone here. I'm sorry. I'm usually better than this. I just don't feel like I have the right words. :( I am thinking of you all and sending support. ❤️❤️

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Safe hugs :hug:If ok?

    3. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      Thank you for your support. I’m sorry for just responding. I fell asleep & just woke up for the day.

      @BrightSide @Free2Fly Thank you for the safe hugs ❤️:hug:I need them

      @behindthesehazeleyes Aw thank you for offering to talk. 💕 I ended up drifting off to sleep a little after I posted this status. I’ll message you.

       

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Your welcome,  hope your doing better.  :hug:

  11. Feeling unsure of myself :( 

    1. behindthesehazeleyes

      behindthesehazeleyes

      Sent you a message, love! Hope you are feeling a little better now and can sleep well!

    2. Enigma87

      Enigma87

      @behindthesehazeleyes Thank you so much friend!! 💕💕 Last night was rough, but I fell asleep soon after talking with my T on the phone. I’m feeling a bit better. I appreciate your kindness! I will throughly read and respond to you message soon. 

  12. @behindthesehazeleyes Thank you so much friend ❤️ I appreciate you sitting with me
  13. @mango_star1 Thank you friend 😢 ❤️
  14. @mango_star1 Mango, thank you so much for reading this. I’ve been second guessing posting this or keeping it up. I just feel so sick about it and am a little embarrassed. Yes, it was scary. I’d never felt that terrified of him until this incident. I really appreciate you saying all of that about me - about not leading him on or being ungrateful. I felt heartbroken to hear him say those things about me, and part of me believed him 😢💔 After this happened, I felt this anger inside that made me want to prove that I didn’t need him like he made me feel I did. I’m still feeling a little down about it all. 😞 I appreciate the offer to PM you. -Enigma 💕
  15. Within this week in August, is the anniversary of when my teacher (FM) forced me to do things with him for the last time after four years of what I am trying to acknowledge as abuse. If I had to pick one experience during the 4 years that impacted me most, this incident would be it. I left feeling devastated. Before this year, I hadn’t allowed myself to reflect on it. I had intentionally pushed the memory down so deep I thought I'd forgotten it. However, since trauma therapy this spring, this memory has constantly been on loop in my head. It's time to get it out. Sorry it's so long. ____ For years, F made me feel he truly loved me and that sex was not the driving force. He would say it was my inner beauty that he adored most. I opened myself up to him in EVERY sense of the word... mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I allowed him to see the most intimate parts of me. I really trusted him. Even when he was stern and forced me to do sexual things, I STILL loved and trusted him. He made me believe I was his girl, and ONLY he knew how to best satisfy me. I believed him. I protected him. I lied for him when others questioned our secret relationship. But this day was different. He made me question everything. ***TRIGGER WARNING - BEGIN*** I was 18 and a half. About four years had gone by since F first started touching me. Everything had become routine. I’d psyched myself into getting through it all and liking certain parts because I felt committed to him. I was about a month or so shy of beginning my freshman year of college. I had been interning as a graphic artist for a company downtown that F recommended me for. He conveniently volunteered to assume a role at the company as my design mentor for that summer. At the end of the workday, he walked me to my car that day. He grabbed my hand and asked me to walk toward his car instead and hop in the back for a sec. The lot we parked in for this company was not under surveillance and out of view. I was always paranoid about someone seeing us. I figured we were going to do the routine stuff. But I also knew he had been trying to convince me to have real sex for months now. Prior to this day, he'd never penetrated me with his private. So we’re in the car and the subject comes up again. I told him I was still scared. I told him I wasn’t ready. I think he lost his patience, and finally got mad. He said I was being ungrateful. That I was a little tease. He said more about how He felt like I was leading him on and was being selfish. He really hurt my feelings. He'd never called me those names before. I cried and looked down. I was too hurt and ashamed to look at him. I remember it was really quiet for a little bit, other than me sniffling from crying. Then he sighed, and leaned in and softly told me he was sorry. He said he just thought that I loved him. That with our long history, he thought I would trust him by now. I told him it wasn’t that. I was just scared, and my religion forbade sex before marriage. I didn’t want to give up my virginity. I hadn't considered him using his fingers inside of me as sex before. He said we’d done everything else already, and that all those things were against my religion too. This was just going a little further. He reminded me he wasn’t my teacher anymore, that I wasn’t a minor. We weren’t at school and we technically didn’t have to hide it anymore. He said he’d been waiting several years now to make passionate love to me. I stayed really quiet and felt numb. He softly stroked my thigh. He whispered, "You can't stay mad at me baby. I know how to make you feel good, and you know it." Then he leaned in and kissed my lips, and then I felt him slide his hand down in between my legs and began rubbing me on that spot. I had a shorter skirt on that day, so his hand was under it, and he'd pushed my underwear to the side. This is what he always did when I would say no or I cried. But at this point, I wasn’t 15 years old anymore. But I still let him handle me like this, and I now hate myself for it. It makes me so sick to think about it now. I was conflicted, because I was still upset with him, but it began to feel good like it always did, and I was breathing heavy as he kept going. He slowly put what felt like two fingers inside me and began moving them around and in and out, while still rubbing me there. I started feeling my muscles tense and grip onto his fingers down there. He stopped kissing me, chuckled, and watched me struggle while he was still pushing his fingers in and out. He said “Oh H, look how w*t you are... See? I knew you'd come around. You’re ready baby. You can do this. Please... You can take me. I promise I’ll be very gentle and go slow.” In between breaths, I remember saying, “no F… I can’t…”. Then he started going faster and deeper with his fingers. I started feeling overwhelmed and uncomfortable. He slid another finger in and It just felt like way too much. I let out a noise and I grabbed for his hand to make him stop. I remember him laughing and saying, “no no sweetheart, you can do this.” He pushed my hand away. I tried to scoot back from him, and he kept moving with me. I whined and opened my legs wider because it felt less painful that way. He said, "That's it, there you go... and then he slid his other hand up under my bra, and started squeezing and lightly rubbing one of my ni*s. I was losing my breath, and moaned. I hated how my body was giving in. I could feel myself get tingly all over now. I was trying to resist it. I closed my eyes tight as I felt it happening. He said, “no baby, open your beautiful eyes and look at me.” I opened my eyes, and when I looked at him, he was panting, watching me and smiling. I hate how he controlled me like this. I grabbed onto him, and he said, "that's it... let it happen... c*m for me." I closed my eyes again and couldn’t help it. I never could. I gave in and finished. He called me his "good girl". He made me feel so helpless and dirty. Like he knew what was best for me. I was embarrassed and still a little upset. I didn’t want to look at him. I remember staring at the ceiling of his car. Without me realizing it, he pulled my hips forward and lifted me up a bit. He quickly slid my underwear off, opened my legs wide, and went down to put his mouth on me down there. He was licking and sucking me. I didn’t really want it, but it felt so good and he knew it by how I was shaking. I couldn’t stop myself from letting “it” happening again. I felt that rush he always wanted me to feel and then praised me for it. As soon as I came for him again like he wanted, I heard him undo his buckle, unzip his pants, and saw him pull out his p*. My heart immediately skipped a beat. I gasped. He must have seen the look of terror in my eyes. He said, “Sweetie, you can do this, please for me.” I scooted back and shook my head no and said, “no F, please don’t make me do this…” He grabbed my hips, climbed over me, and said, “it’s okay baby, don’t be scared, it’ll hurt a little at first, but I promise you will like it.” I started panicking and tried to twist my body from underneath him, so that I could close my legs and resist him. He roughly pushed my legs apart and leaned further down over me, holding his p* in his hand to aim it down there, and told me to stop moving and fighting him. I used all my strength and tried to get out from under him. He had this weird mean look in his eyes like he wasn’t going to let me go or leave until I let him put his p* inside me. He grabbed my wrists, forced me down, and held me there as he tried to aim it in me. I could feel the tip of it on me. I kept crying, squealing, and and started fighting him violently for the first time ever really. He kept telling me to stop and shut up. I think I must have hit his privates somehow while moving and fighting him. He groaned in pain, and released his strength on me a bit, and I twisted so that I could unlock the car door, while he was doubled over. I grabbed the door handle, and slid out from under him, falling out of the car onto the pavement next to his car. He said in such a mean tone, “yea, just get out! I cannot look at you right now.” I stumbled away from him and didn’t know what to think. I got up really fast, and ran to my car, got in, and locked the doors. I was in pure shock. I suddenly realized that my panties were still in his car, but I didn’t care. I remember looking down at my arms and legs where I fell onto the asphalt and was now bleeding. I guess because of the adrenaline, I didn't even feel the pain from the scars. What hurt most was that this man that I trusted and looked up to for so long had violently tried to force himself on me, even when I was crying and pleading for him not to. He didn’t care how I felt at all. And the way he yelled at me... I felt so hurt inside. ***TRIGGER WARNING - END*** The following week or so, he texted me trying to apologize and wanted to meet with me again. In so many words, he made it clear that if I didn't have sex with him, I wasn't worth his time. I told him I was really hurt and stopped responding to his texts and calls. I questioned everything he ever said to me. Things ended soon after that. All communication. He abruptly left his mentorship at the company. He left his teaching assignment and moved states. Even though I was glad to be rid of the situation, a large part of me felt wounded. I am ashamed to admit that I had become emotionally attached to him, and now felt abandoned and hurt. I began to second guess things and question whether I really was a tease. Did I really lead him on? Was I ungrateful? Did I take him and all he did for me for granted? Was I not expecting he would want more at some point? I was really torn up about it for awhile. I can now admit there still lives a bitterness within me toward him and other men in positions of authority. I promised myself I would not let him get to me, that I would do everything I could to forget him, everything that happened with him, and how I felt about it all. I was determined to bury it. In a way I did I guess... with the occasional triggers here and there. It's been over a decade... and now with trauma therapy this year, here I am remembering it ALL again... The emotions feel so raw. I cried writing this. This week has been so hard. I hate that he still affects me.
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