[Epiphany?]

Trigger warning

Wow I didn't realize what I was saying and feeling was a sign of strength. Thank you Goddess.. I just reread what I wrote March 1 and was humbled all over again. I need to read that blog entry often to remind myself on the rough days. I cried while i was reading, but for once it was joyful tears. I have experienced a bipolar swing in emotions, from this peace and epiphany outlined in the blog, to feeling crushed and trapped and panicked and suicidal in the past couple weeks. I let myself be present in my emotions, let them wash over me, let myself feel without immediately turning to a synthetic substance for a salve on the open wounds. I analyzed, and prayed, and meditated. I called the Goddess, and i am not ashamed to admit that i begged for protection and deliverance. I was granted it the first time and have been more frequently. I realize this is the answer to my addictions to alcohol, to s**, to idol worship through being onstage, though I believe I can transfer it to my issues with the past. Ive done so much internal work in the past few months, determined to be the best mother and student I can be until my next purpose presents itself, my career as a psychiatrist. I am so far from perfect, my flaws are numerous and rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune times. But holding the idea that I am here to learn these lessons and experience these pains fully for a reason is slowly healing me. I can tell it will be a looooong road but I am prepared to face it with my head held high and my shoulders back, stubbornness turned capability in my eyes. Sometimes these things i tell myself i dont quite believe but the mind is a powerful thing. Belief can make a huge difference. Strength comes from within, and now I understand exactly what that means. Harnessing this elusive trait in myself is one of my main goals now. I am so grateful for all the support on here, thank you everyone. Big hugs to all, if ok. 

[Late Night Thoughts]

Leia,

I know how it feels to be terrified, especially at night. Trust is something I still cant seem to give, and you are very right; we have to trust people. But forcing yourself to trust people you dont feel safe with is a bad idea. So i guess making people earn trust is a good idea. I dont have all the answers, but I do know that with time and effort and perserverance things will get easier. 

I wish you the best in your healing journey. Safe hugs if ok. Im here for you 😊

[Epiphany?]

Thank you for responding Ian and Goddess. I know there will be days I feel like giving up, when the peace I had that day can't be found no matter how hard I try. But it's ok now. You're right Ian, life may not be the way we originally planned but worth can be found in any situation. There is always a silver lining to every cloud. Struggling with addiction since I was 16 and quitting drugs and alcohol for the past 8 months definitely complicated things. Sobriety has brought clarity, though at first it was an overwhelming ton of bricks that hit me when I started feeling all of my emotions with no buffer. And it exacerbated my other addictions until I got a handle on them.

This time I won't return to using outside unnatural sources when times get rough. This site, spirituality and creative outlets are my answers. For now.. Until I find more constructive outlets.. 

Thanks again 😊

[I am new to this and am seeking love, help, and support.]

Hi

You did the right thing seeking help. Ive only been here a few months and already its helping. There are understanding loving awesome people here. Im here for you. 😊

 

[struggling]

Dont give up. Healing is possible and you will get through this. I dont know your story but i can relate with what youre experiencing. Keep going and stay strong! Safe hugs if ok. 

[Christmas at Seven]

Im so sorry that happened to you. Safe hugs if ok. Stay strong.. 

[The Gift of a New Year]

Happy New Year first of all! I agree, it's always been a source of hope for new beginnings for me too! I wish you all the best in pursuing your education; I'm in my second year in online classes for a B.A. in Psychology and it has been so uplifting, enlightening and healing for me. I know it will be for you too! There will be tough times and you probably will have episodes. But know that they will pass and you can and will get through it and accomplish all of your goals! Be gentle with yourself and do what you need to to feel safe. Adversity is the catalyst for change; no one ever learns and grows and makes a better life from leisure or comfort. You are strong and brave enough to accomplish anything you wish to. Believe in yourself and you may find that the new world you're afraid of is so much better than you ever imagined. It's ok to be afraid, I'm terrified of people and the unknown everyday. But courage is not the absence of fear. It is the conquering of that fear and rising above. You can do it!! Wishing you strength courage wisdom and success and cheering you on every step of the way!

Forgive me if i sound harsh at all i dont mean to be. Everything i say comes from a positive, light, loving place. 

Best of luck taking those first steps into the unknown!! 😁😇

[Confused with a difficult choice]

56 minutes ago, robynpi said:

I hesitate to offer any advice because I have a feeling you know what your options are and it's something you'll have to work out. I am married to a wonderful man who also has his own problems and has told me he has one foot out the door. Not because I'm visually impaired and in a wheelchair but because I am hard to handle. I have PTSD and I'm very aware how it impacts him. I understand combat PTSD is different from my own, but the unpredictability and stuff is a challenge. I think it's great that you realize how raising a child would be difficult if your situation stays the same.  My ex became abusive after I relocated myself 3000 miles away from home. I ignored the red flags and I now have a record because one time I decided to fight back. I understand how painful love can be... I spent every night crying for a year before I was able to accept that I could make it on my own. I am not so sure about that anymore, but I definitely am glad I got rid of that monster. I say this because alcoholism can change a person. It doesn't mean he's bad or anything. I'm a former addict. It's a disease and I hope that he seeks help. I feel for you and I hope you are able to work this out. 

Hi robyn

Thank you so much. Youre right I do know my options. I just was contacted by an old customer of mine who i told my situation to and he offered to come to my rescue. I hesitate to leave yet though. I want my fiancee to just straighten up and be a man. The answer to his problem is so simple but he cant see it past the alcohol. Im so depressed i think of suicide many times a day. I never will; I am too stubborn to give in that easily. Im so sorry for your own experiences and i applaud you for taking the steps to heal. Thank you for your support. I dont feel so alone now. It takes a huge weight off my back. 

I hope he seeks help too. Hes such an awesome person without that evil poison. I pray very hard every day that he can extricate himself from those deep sharp claws of addiction. I did, and am. Its hard with no support like AA but im doing my best for my kids' sake. Thanks again robyn i feel somewhat better.. 

[What is it like?]

Pearlofmary

Im so sorry for what happened to you. Safe hugs. 

[Ticking Time Bomb]

Mother of Rats,

I am so sorry you are struggling with the anger. I too am struggling with the anger. Ive bottled for so long its impossible to stuff it down anymore and it comes out at the wrong people at the wrong times. Meditation yoga and physical exercise as well as singing and dancing help syphon off my anger slowly instead of letting it blow up. Maybe some of these things can help. A dammit doll helps too oddly enough, a doll that every time you hit something with it it screams dammit or you can have a soft strongly made doll that you hit on something sturdy and scream dammit while you do. It sounds silly but it works for me. Until youre out of the situation youre in finding constructive ways to slowly bleed off your anger is key. Many hugs to you if ok and i hope you find some healthy ways to get that anger out! Respectfully

Exdancer