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Exdancer1986

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Everything posted by Exdancer1986

  1. Exdancer1986

    Numb

    Its been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. The day we were moving to that 2 bedroom he got wasted and ended up trying to shoot himself. He missed and the bullet went through the apartment on the other side. He was admitted to the hospital and we had to move to a house in the country with roommates. Getting him off drugs and alcohol was hell. He was horrible to me. He started getting better for a few months then he started drinking a little more at a time again. First it was on the weekends now it's everyday and it's getting worse. He can't keep promises, he lies constantly even though I
  2. We are moving to a 2 bedroom apartment on the 1st and I am daring to have hope. I dont have any hope for the father of my child. He has proven that he doesnt want a better life, that I mean nothing to him. It doesnt matter anymore. What does matter is that when this new lease is up he will leave and i will have a 2 bedroom and he will pay child support whether he likes it or not. This next year I will live for me regardless of what he does. I will never get with an addict ever again. I will never be an addoct ever again. If hard things in life come I will find solutions and make myself happy.
  3. I delivered Forrest Vincent Luce on June 28 2018 at 8:47 pm. He was 7 lbs 3 oz and very healthy. He was a little early but I didn't mind; i was very ready! I didnt get pain meds, there wasnt time. I went from early labor waiting on contractions to Oh NO I have to push and the doctor isnt here yet! It was unbelievably horribly agonizingly painful. The pain snuck up on me and I was hyperventilating. I didnt go into a flashback thank the gods. I kept looking at Forrest for support and he was strong, a rock that I sorely needed. I pushed for an hour and he was finally out in a gush of fluids and a
  4. I haven't been on this site in about a month. Way too long I would say. I have had a few very dark days and just white knuckled it, as alcoholics say. Crushing sadness and panic are the main ideas. I have been having trouble getting over the fact that my exhusband truly loved me and I now have someone who isn't really sure how to love because he never has loved anyone, not even himself. He is freaking out about being a father, the closer my due date gets, the stranger he acts. It is difficult to be with someone a lot like you in a lot of ways when it's the bad points that are similar. There's
  5. Trigger warning Wow I didn't realize what I was saying and feeling was a sign of strength. Thank you Goddess.. I just reread what I wrote March 1 and was humbled all over again. I need to read that blog entry often to remind myself on the rough days. I cried while i was reading, but for once it was joyful tears. I have experienced a bipolar swing in emotions, from this peace and epiphany outlined in the blog, to feeling crushed and trapped and panicked and suicidal in the past couple weeks. I let myself be present in my emotions, let them wash over me, let myself feel without immediately
  6. Leia, I know how it feels to be terrified, especially at night. Trust is something I still cant seem to give, and you are very right; we have to trust people. But forcing yourself to trust people you dont feel safe with is a bad idea. So i guess making people earn trust is a good idea. I dont have all the answers, but I do know that with time and effort and perserverance things will get easier. I wish you the best in your healing journey. Safe hugs if ok. Im here for you
  7. Thank you for responding Ian and Goddess. I know there will be days I feel like giving up, when the peace I had that day can't be found no matter how hard I try. But it's ok now. You're right Ian, life may not be the way we originally planned but worth can be found in any situation. There is always a silver lining to every cloud. Struggling with addiction since I was 16 and quitting drugs and alcohol for the past 8 months definitely complicated things. Sobriety has brought clarity, though at first it was an overwhelming ton of bricks that hit me when I started feeling all of my emotions with n
  8. Today has been a very lazy day physically. I have done a lot of schoolwork and no chores, just self reflection. I've decided to change my mindset about my pregnancy and my delivery. I was thinking of meditating every day on things going a certain way. My mantra for my baby boy: Strong, healthy, happy, smart, beautiful My mantra for me during labor and delivery: I am the goddess, I am the Earth I let go and relax into the waves of creation I cannot think of better mantras. I believe in the power of intention, of visualization and affirmation. I believe I can make this t
  9. Today is a much better day than yesterday. Mentally and emotionally I am allowing myself to be distanced from everyone especially my fiancee and zoning in on schoolwork so there arent any questions. Health wise I feel pretty good, good enough to clean and make burritos for dinner tonight. I realize that I DO have options; I could appeal to my dad and ask to come stay with him in AZ for a little while, there are homeless shelters and rent assistance etc, and I have a couple friends who would let me couch surf for a bit if I needed it. It helps to have options. I dont feel so trapped anymore. If
  10. Hi NorthernGypsy, So sorry for what brought you here and that you feel alone but so glad you reached out. Healing is possible, there is hope. You are not alone, we are here for you
  11. Hi skysky, Welcome! So glad you reached out. You will find many kind understanding souls here who know how to listen. Very good as a support network. Im so sorry for what your brother did to you and what youre experiencing. You can heal, it is possible. It may be a long road but there is hope. You are not alone..
  12. Hi You did the right thing seeking help. Ive only been here a few months and already its helping. There are understanding loving awesome people here. Im here for you.
  13. Im not sure what to do. Im so depressed and tense its hard to think straight. I have the urge to cut and run again and its getting worse everyday, like war drums getting steadily louder in my head. I dont want to run anymore. I know its been preemptive some of the time. I think my guy is overwhelmed and has no clue how to handle this whole change to his life. Understandable but i just feel so unappreciated and unloved. I never admitted to needing anyones love until now. Am i being masochistic? Am i panicking about nothing? The man pays all the bills and rent so i literally have no worries in t
  14. Exdancer1986

    struggling

    Dont give up. Healing is possible and you will get through this. I dont know your story but i can relate with what youre experiencing. Keep going and stay strong! Safe hugs if ok.
  15. Im so sorry that happened to you. Safe hugs if ok. Stay strong..
  16. Happy New Year first of all! I agree, it's always been a source of hope for new beginnings for me too! I wish you all the best in pursuing your education; I'm in my second year in online classes for a B.A. in Psychology and it has been so uplifting, enlightening and healing for me. I know it will be for you too! There will be tough times and you probably will have episodes. But know that they will pass and you can and will get through it and accomplish all of your goals! Be gentle with yourself and do what you need to to feel safe. Adversity is the catalyst for change; no one ever learns and g
  17. Will trigger My fiancees father brought over a bedframe headboard and footboard last night and for some reason it made a huge difference in the way I slept. I didnt have any nightmares at all and woke up in a pretty good mood considering the pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, and emotional sensitivity. Reminding myself that it is just pregnancy hormones and everything is not as bad as it feels is helping. My fiancee was very comforting and sweet last night, holding me and reminding me that things will get better and I wont feel this way forever. He reminded me of my blessings which are numerou
  18. Hi robyn Thank you so much. Youre right I do know my options. I just was contacted by an old customer of mine who i told my situation to and he offered to come to my rescue. I hesitate to leave yet though. I want my fiancee to just straighten up and be a man. The answer to his problem is so simple but he cant see it past the alcohol. Im so depressed i think of suicide many times a day. I never will; I am too stubborn to give in that easily. Im so sorry for your own experiences and i applaud you for taking the steps to heal. Thank you for your support. I dont feel so alone now. It takes a
  19. My fiancee has a severe problem with alcoholism. We just got a positive pregnancy test and he's swinging from astounded awe to irrational panic. With the latter comes drinking lying and breaking promises. I am already so raw dealing with everything I am and him breaking my heart all the time is wearing on my soul. He has his own problems, hes a combat veteran with severe PTSD and extreme guilt for what he did over there. Im trying to hold up both of our burdens and im just so tired and broken i think im going to buckle soon. I cant have a selfish lying alcoholic as the father of my child, i re
  20. Pearlofmary Im so sorry for what happened to you. Safe hugs.
  21. Hi Josie Thank you, Ive found that youre right about the site being supportive. I only worry that my posts are too triggering and graphic sometimes. I apologize to everyone, i just cant hold it in anymore and i have to tell the whole truth before i spontaneously combust. Thank you also to everyones support.
  22. Mother of Rats, I am so sorry you are struggling with the anger. I too am struggling with the anger. Ive bottled for so long its impossible to stuff it down anymore and it comes out at the wrong people at the wrong times. Meditation yoga and physical exercise as well as singing and dancing help syphon off my anger slowly instead of letting it blow up. Maybe some of these things can help. A dammit doll helps too oddly enough, a doll that every time you hit something with it it screams dammit or you can have a soft strongly made doll that you hit on something sturdy and scream dammit while
  23. This is my first try at a blog so hopefully I will get better at it as i go along. There is so much bottled inside me that i must start purging before i explode. Life is never easy, even when there are brief glimpses of joy. The darkness surrounding me is so thick and persistent that when tiny slivers of light penetrate, it's only for a split second and is gone again. But I fight because I have to. I spent too much of my life not fighting, and now I cant stop fighting. The only problem is that it's hard from all my nightmares flashbacks and paranoia to distinguish who to fight and who to take
  24. Thank you One. I need to get all of this out of me. I have been carrying it most of my life, and now that I'm sober and continue to stay that way its time to purge. I know that I will never feel normal as long as i keep the truth bottled inside and this seems like the place to release. Thank you for your kind words; my motivations for becoming a psychiatrist with the focus of alternative therapy for survivors are various and my conviction runs deep. It's a way of healing myself and others like me. I look forward to diving in to the forums and seeing what i may learn. Thanks again. Exdance
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