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Exdancer1986

Member
  • Content Count

    145
  • Joined

  • Last visited

2 Followers

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Texas
  • Interests
    Writing, reading, singing, dancing, studying and pursuing my degree, watching movies, raising my son, baking, watching football, spring and summertime

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

Recent Profile Visitors

1,462 profile views
  1. Exdancer1986

    Numb

    Its been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. The day we were moving to that 2 bedroom he got wasted and ended up trying to shoot himself. He missed and the bullet went through the apartment on the other side. He was admitted to the hospital and we had to move to a house in the country with roommates. Getting him off drugs and alcohol was hell. He was horrible to me. He started getting better for a few months then he started drinking a little more at a time again. First it was on the weekends now it's everyday and it's getting worse. He can't keep promises, he lies constantly even though I
  2. We are moving to a 2 bedroom apartment on the 1st and I am daring to have hope. I dont have any hope for the father of my child. He has proven that he doesnt want a better life, that I mean nothing to him. It doesnt matter anymore. What does matter is that when this new lease is up he will leave and i will have a 2 bedroom and he will pay child support whether he likes it or not. This next year I will live for me regardless of what he does. I will never get with an addict ever again. I will never be an addoct ever again. If hard things in life come I will find solutions and make myself happy.
  3. I delivered Forrest Vincent Luce on June 28 2018 at 8:47 pm. He was 7 lbs 3 oz and very healthy. He was a little early but I didn't mind; i was very ready! I didnt get pain meds, there wasnt time. I went from early labor waiting on contractions to Oh NO I have to push and the doctor isnt here yet! It was unbelievably horribly agonizingly painful. The pain snuck up on me and I was hyperventilating. I didnt go into a flashback thank the gods. I kept looking at Forrest for support and he was strong, a rock that I sorely needed. I pushed for an hour and he was finally out in a gush of fluids and a
  4. I haven't been on this site in about a month. Way too long I would say. I have had a few very dark days and just white knuckled it, as alcoholics say. Crushing sadness and panic are the main ideas. I have been having trouble getting over the fact that my exhusband truly loved me and I now have someone who isn't really sure how to love because he never has loved anyone, not even himself. He is freaking out about being a father, the closer my due date gets, the stranger he acts. It is difficult to be with someone a lot like you in a lot of ways when it's the bad points that are similar. There's
  5. Trigger warning Wow I didn't realize what I was saying and feeling was a sign of strength. Thank you Goddess.. I just reread what I wrote March 1 and was humbled all over again. I need to read that blog entry often to remind myself on the rough days. I cried while i was reading, but for once it was joyful tears. I have experienced a bipolar swing in emotions, from this peace and epiphany outlined in the blog, to feeling crushed and trapped and panicked and suicidal in the past couple weeks. I let myself be present in my emotions, let them wash over me, let myself feel without immediately
  6. Leia, I know how it feels to be terrified, especially at night. Trust is something I still cant seem to give, and you are very right; we have to trust people. But forcing yourself to trust people you dont feel safe with is a bad idea. So i guess making people earn trust is a good idea. I dont have all the answers, but I do know that with time and effort and perserverance things will get easier. I wish you the best in your healing journey. Safe hugs if ok. Im here for you 😊
  7. Thank you for responding Ian and Goddess. I know there will be days I feel like giving up, when the peace I had that day can't be found no matter how hard I try. But it's ok now. You're right Ian, life may not be the way we originally planned but worth can be found in any situation. There is always a silver lining to every cloud. Struggling with addiction since I was 16 and quitting drugs and alcohol for the past 8 months definitely complicated things. Sobriety has brought clarity, though at first it was an overwhelming ton of bricks that hit me when I started feeling all of my emotions with n
  8. Today has been a very lazy day physically. I have done a lot of schoolwork and no chores, just self reflection. I've decided to change my mindset about my pregnancy and my delivery. I was thinking of meditating every day on things going a certain way. My mantra for my baby boy: Strong, healthy, happy, smart, beautiful My mantra for me during labor and delivery: I am the goddess, I am the Earth I let go and relax into the waves of creation I cannot think of better mantras. I believe in the power of intention, of visualization and affirmation. I believe I can make this t
  9. Today is a much better day than yesterday. Mentally and emotionally I am allowing myself to be distanced from everyone especially my fiancee and zoning in on schoolwork so there arent any questions. Health wise I feel pretty good, good enough to clean and make burritos for dinner tonight. I realize that I DO have options; I could appeal to my dad and ask to come stay with him in AZ for a little while, there are homeless shelters and rent assistance etc, and I have a couple friends who would let me couch surf for a bit if I needed it. It helps to have options. I dont feel so trapped anymore. If
  10. Hi NorthernGypsy, So sorry for what brought you here and that you feel alone but so glad you reached out. Healing is possible, there is hope. You are not alone, we are here for you
  11. Hi skysky, Welcome! So glad you reached out. You will find many kind understanding souls here who know how to listen. Very good as a support network. Im so sorry for what your brother did to you and what youre experiencing. You can heal, it is possible. It may be a long road but there is hope. You are not alone..
  12. Hi You did the right thing seeking help. Ive only been here a few months and already its helping. There are understanding loving awesome people here. Im here for you. 😊
  13. Im not sure what to do. Im so depressed and tense its hard to think straight. I have the urge to cut and run again and its getting worse everyday, like war drums getting steadily louder in my head. I dont want to run anymore. I know its been preemptive some of the time. I think my guy is overwhelmed and has no clue how to handle this whole change to his life. Understandable but i just feel so unappreciated and unloved. I never admitted to needing anyones love until now. Am i being masochistic? Am i panicking about nothing? The man pays all the bills and rent so i literally have no worries in t
  14. Exdancer1986

    struggling

    Dont give up. Healing is possible and you will get through this. I dont know your story but i can relate with what youre experiencing. Keep going and stay strong! Safe hugs if ok.
  15. Im so sorry that happened to you. Safe hugs if ok. Stay strong..
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