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About Exdancer1986

  • Birthday February 4

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    Writing, reading, singing, dancing, studying and pursuing my degree, watching movies, raising my son, baking, watching football, spring and summertime

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105 profile views
  1. struggling

    Dont give up. Healing is possible and you will get through this. I dont know your story but i can relate with what youre experiencing. Keep going and stay strong! Safe hugs if ok.
  2. Christmas at Seven

    Im so sorry that happened to you. Safe hugs if ok. Stay strong..
  3. The Gift of a New Year

    Happy New Year first of all! I agree, it's always been a source of hope for new beginnings for me too! I wish you all the best in pursuing your education; I'm in my second year in online classes for a B.A. in Psychology and it has been so uplifting, enlightening and healing for me. I know it will be for you too! There will be tough times and you probably will have episodes. But know that they will pass and you can and will get through it and accomplish all of your goals! Be gentle with yourself and do what you need to to feel safe. Adversity is the catalyst for change; no one ever learns and grows and makes a better life from leisure or comfort. You are strong and brave enough to accomplish anything you wish to. Believe in yourself and you may find that the new world you're afraid of is so much better than you ever imagined. It's ok to be afraid, I'm terrified of people and the unknown everyday. But courage is not the absence of fear. It is the conquering of that fear and rising above. You can do it!! Wishing you strength courage wisdom and success and cheering you on every step of the way! Forgive me if i sound harsh at all i dont mean to be. Everything i say comes from a positive, light, loving place. Best of luck taking those first steps into the unknown!! 😁😇
  4. Finally a good day

    Will trigger My fiancees father brought over a bedframe headboard and footboard last night and for some reason it made a huge difference in the way I slept. I didnt have any nightmares at all and woke up in a pretty good mood considering the pregnancy nausea, exhaustion, and emotional sensitivity. Reminding myself that it is just pregnancy hormones and everything is not as bad as it feels is helping. My fiancee was very comforting and sweet last night, holding me and reminding me that things will get better and I wont feel this way forever. He reminded me of my blessings which are numerous and I felt an easing of the grip of panic and paranoia. Im thankful today for everything i have and all the support and love ive found recently, for freedom from addicition, and finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Im doing a paper for my philosophy class on if euthanasia should be allowed in cases of chronic depression. Never should it be allowed. There is always hope and suicide should never be the answer. Its a permanent solution to a temporary problem and should be illegal globally. While there is life there is choice, there is hope, there is healing. In death there is no growth or opportunity. It strengthened my conviction to beat my demons and come out the other side of the abyss to reside in the light. I pray for this feeling to stay with me. Its motivating uplifting and inspiring. I dont know exactly where its coming from but im hoping for it to continue. I was cleaning out my old dancer bag and found almost 300 dollars. Considering how terrible my fiancee is with money i told him i found more than 100 which isnt quite a lie. But i feel i have to protect what little i have so he doesnt spend it on alcohol or unnecessary things. Im going to use it for my son and to start getting things for the new baby. Im trying to decide what to get first. A carseat is always the first thing so you can bring the baby home from the hospital as well as a diaper bag, diapers and wipes and cream. Aside from that im not sure what else to get. My ex is supposed to bring my son for the weekend next weekend and im hoping for it. Hes put it off three times now and im getting a little antsy. I miss my boy so much its killing me. I feel like theres a giant gaping hole where my heart should be from not seeing him in so long. Im beginning to feel better about being pregnant though. Even if were still in this tiny one bedroom when the baby is born i will make sure we move to a bigger place soon after. Ive cleared a space for a crib in the bedroom and am starting to eagerly anticipate my new arrival. I wasnt ready for another child considering all im going through right now and having so many doubts about my fiancee. But i think once he holds his first child for the first time everything will change. His priorities and way of thinking will shift toward making sure that baby has everything he or she needs and will treat me a lot better. I can only hope for this and if it doesnt happen i will be forced to seek a different avenue. I will just have to wait and see what happens. And pray. I wish he could understand what im going through right now. He keeps telling me he wants to help and be here for me, but doesnt know if he can handle what i have to say, that it might make him homicidally angry. My past is full of dark twisted things and I realize that some of them will be difficult for him to hear. Im worried that if he hears everything he will think of me as trash and quit loving me. Ive had that happen before. It was hard enough for him to know that i was a dancer. I tried to work the couple months in the beginning and he lost his marbles. So telling him the whole story from the very beginning is a gamble. Maybe i should just keep it to this website. My father too, it may destroy him to know what was going on under his nose all those years and he could have stopped it. My stepmother was very convincing building her case against me so i didnt even try to speak out. The one time i tried all i got was hostility and venom so i never tried again. My father and i are finally on good speaking terms and are building a healthy relationship. I wonder if i should just keep it to myself and let it go. But i feel like i have loose ends to tie up before i can heal, i must get closure. But is it really that important to potentially break my fathers heart when it was so long ago and nothing can be done about it now? My stepbrother killed himself and my stepmother died of cancer so they both took all of it to the grave. I have no proof other than taking a lie detector test which i would do in a heartbeat to let my father know the truth. But should i? Or should i just let it go and forgive and try to forget? Im still a little upset at him for not protecting me, but he was deeply brainwashed by my stepmother and my stepbrother was the golden child who could do no wrong while I was the redheaded evil stepchild who was a thorn in everyones side. Tough decision. I want to heal and move on and something is nagging at me to tell him and at least let him know the truth and that i can forgive him for not protecting me if he at least acknowledges what really happened. I also have 13 years of abuse from my dancing career to talk about. But my father is a slow thinker and always has been, and doesnt handle surprises or transition very well. Everything needs to be baby steps with him or he'll lose it. Hes stronger than he used to be but i still worry. Why am i so worried about how the men in my life are going to handle the traumas that i went through? Why do i care about their feelings about it so much when it doesnt seem like they care about mine? Should i be selfish this time and their feelings be da****? Help..
  5. Confused with a difficult choice

    Hi robyn Thank you so much. Youre right I do know my options. I just was contacted by an old customer of mine who i told my situation to and he offered to come to my rescue. I hesitate to leave yet though. I want my fiancee to just straighten up and be a man. The answer to his problem is so simple but he cant see it past the alcohol. Im so depressed i think of suicide many times a day. I never will; I am too stubborn to give in that easily. Im so sorry for your own experiences and i applaud you for taking the steps to heal. Thank you for your support. I dont feel so alone now. It takes a huge weight off my back. I hope he seeks help too. Hes such an awesome person without that evil poison. I pray very hard every day that he can extricate himself from those deep sharp claws of addiction. I did, and am. Its hard with no support like AA but im doing my best for my kids' sake. Thanks again robyn i feel somewhat better..
  6. Confused with a difficult choice

    My fiancee has a severe problem with alcoholism. We just got a positive pregnancy test and he's swinging from astounded awe to irrational panic. With the latter comes drinking lying and breaking promises. I am already so raw dealing with everything I am and him breaking my heart all the time is wearing on my soul. He has his own problems, hes a combat veteran with severe PTSD and extreme guilt for what he did over there. Im trying to hold up both of our burdens and im just so tired and broken i think im going to buckle soon. I cant have a selfish lying alcoholic as the father of my child, i refuse to subject an innocent life to that. I told him that if he doesnt want to help himself theres nothing i can do for him and i have to leave him. He promised to get help but hes hurt me so much with his lies and broken promises i dont believe a word he says. Im in a tough situation right now though. Im very pregnant-sick and can barely clean the house much less work without puking. I have nowhere else to go and I dont want to go back to dancing. If it came down to it and i had to i would for the babys sake. But im just beginning to heal and i cant fathom jumping back into the abyss, especially not right now. I feel trapped and miserable. Every time i start to see a glimmer of hope and blessing theres always a cost thats more than the good. It also makes it harder to stay sober with him always drinking right in my face. I dont know what to do. If i leave ill be dancing and living in a motel. If i dont make enough money for the motel that day i sleep on a park bench. Its cold where i live right now and i dont have warm enough clothes. If i stay i have to deal with an alcoholic who spends all the money as fast as he makes it so that i go without which means so would the baby, who lies to me about his drinking and where he is and why, who is so selfish its mindboggling. When hes sober hes the man i want to spend the rest of my life with. But hes not ready so i think i should formulate a plan to get out of here. Over the next 6 months of my pregnancy i will get a job a car and save for a cheap mobile home in the rural areas somewhere close to my job. I will make sure i get custody and child support. If he gets treatment and decides to act like a husband and father i may come back to him. I dont want to leave him but hes not giving me much of a choice. Hes not beating me or anything hes just being selfish lazy and stupid. I cant take the pain anymore, like im not dealing with enough of my own. I cant trust or depend on him at all and im terrified what hes going to teach my son. What should i do?
  7. Almost 8 years later...

    Welcome back EmptyWithin!
  8. What is it like?

    Pearlofmary Im so sorry for what happened to you. Safe hugs.
  9. New here

    Hi Josie Thank you, Ive found that youre right about the site being supportive. I only worry that my posts are too triggering and graphic sometimes. I apologize to everyone, i just cant hold it in anymore and i have to tell the whole truth before i spontaneously combust. Thank you also to everyones support.
  10. Ticking Time Bomb

    Mother of Rats, I am so sorry you are struggling with the anger. I too am struggling with the anger. Ive bottled for so long its impossible to stuff it down anymore and it comes out at the wrong people at the wrong times. Meditation yoga and physical exercise as well as singing and dancing help syphon off my anger slowly instead of letting it blow up. Maybe some of these things can help. A dammit doll helps too oddly enough, a doll that every time you hit something with it it screams dammit or you can have a soft strongly made doll that you hit on something sturdy and scream dammit while you do. It sounds silly but it works for me. Until youre out of the situation youre in finding constructive ways to slowly bleed off your anger is key. Many hugs to you if ok and i hope you find some healthy ways to get that anger out! Respectfully Exdancer
  11. First try

    This is my first try at a blog so hopefully I will get better at it as i go along. There is so much bottled inside me that i must start purging before i explode. Life is never easy, even when there are brief glimpses of joy. The darkness surrounding me is so thick and persistent that when tiny slivers of light penetrate, it's only for a split second and is gone again. But I fight because I have to. I spent too much of my life not fighting, and now I cant stop fighting. The only problem is that it's hard from all my nightmares flashbacks and paranoia to distinguish who to fight and who to take as ally. I trust no one, and I feel no safety anywhere. I have no sanctuary, I am always on guard from everyone everywhere I go. I guess too many people have hurt me and I've given up on the human race. They can't be counted on, can't be trusted, and I can never let my guard down or they will jump at the opportunity to exploit my weakness and Ill be left naked bloody and broken on the floor with nothing again. My heart and soul cant afford that even once more. How do I trust anyone ever again? How do i let anyone see me vulnerable ever again? How do i believe that not all humans will destroy me when thats all ive seen from the majority of humans ive met from all backgrounds and creeds? How do i have real friendships when im always waiting for the other shoe to drop and to turn around to see a knife in my back? How do i have a healthy intimate relationship when im just waiting to be attacked or abused and mentally and emotionally messed with? I cant give anything. I feel like i dont have it to give. I want to. My significant other tries very hard to be the best he can to me. Hes human though and makes mistakes, and with each mistake i pull farther away from him. I want more than anything to give him the love he deserves, to let my guard down, to trust him. He keeps maintaining that im safe with him that he'll never hurt me. I dont believe him. I want to more than anything. I cant help but worry everyday if hes cheating on me, if hes going to set me up, if hes going to leave me or kick me out onto the street with nowhere to go but back to the pole. I worry that hes working behind my back, that hes using me somehow because im the most vulnerable ive ever been. Im terrified that hes playing mind games with me to get what he wants. I dont know his ulterior motives and i cant help but worry what they are and how im going to handle another broken heart. I dont think i can take another one. Ive had far too many i never healed from. Im feeling them now all at once. I think one more heartbreak and ill shatter into too many pieces to pick up this time. How do i trust men, or any human being for that matter, knowing the evil that theyre capable of? How do i move past this constant fear and paranoia and suspicion?
  12. New here

    Thank you One. I need to get all of this out of me. I have been carrying it most of my life, and now that I'm sober and continue to stay that way its time to purge. I know that I will never feel normal as long as i keep the truth bottled inside and this seems like the place to release. Thank you for your kind words; my motivations for becoming a psychiatrist with the focus of alternative therapy for survivors are various and my conviction runs deep. It's a way of healing myself and others like me. I look forward to diving in to the forums and seeing what i may learn. Thanks again. Exdancer
  13. first post

    Hi Jayt, I am new here as well and being here is a big step for me too. I am sorry for what happened to you and the challenges you now face. It's difficult to function sometimes with such a weight, I understand. I hope you find healing here and applaud your courage in joining.
  14. New here

    Im 31 years old turning 32 soon. I'm in college online and hope to get my PhD one day. If I can come through my hardships and help others do the same it will all feel worth it to me. Sometimes it helps to help others in need. A lot of changes have occured in my life recently. I'm going through a huge transformation and it's been difficult facing my past. I came here in search of understanding, insight, and healing. The burden is becoming too much to handle alone and I need help. I'm hoping this is a good place to start.