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About Exdancer1986

  • Birthday February 4

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    Writing, reading, singing, dancing, studying and pursuing my degree, watching movies, raising my son, baking, watching football, spring and summertime

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  1. Exdancer1986


    Its been a long time since I wrote a blog entry. The day we were moving to that 2 bedroom he got wasted and ended up trying to shoot himself. He missed and the bullet went through the apartment on the other side. He was admitted to the hospital and we had to move to a house in the country with roommates. Getting him off drugs and alcohol was hell. He was horrible to me. He started getting better for a few months then he started drinking a little more at a time again. First it was on the weekends now it's everyday and it's getting worse. He can't keep promises, he lies constantly even though I always know he's lying, he treats me like the worst scum on the planet, and sees nothing wrong with it. I have no car no job no money so I am stuck with him for now. School has been great, I have gotten 9 As in a row in my classes. My son is growing so fast; he's so beautiful and smart and strong and happy. I love him so much it hurts but in a good way. He is very attached to his daddy so I hesitate to break it off with him. When I get my license back and a car of my own maybe I will look into other options but for now my survival instinct is kicking in. Child support would only cover rent diapers and my phone bill and as anyone with kids knows it takes worlds more than that. I got joint custody of my oldest son and see him every 1st 3rd and 5th weekend alternating holidays and 30 days in July. He's got issues from being left at my ex since the environment is filthy and broken and has no guidance or discipline whatsoever. But I'm happy I get him as much as i do. For a year and a half i didn't even get to talk to him really because they always said he was sleeping outside or gone. So I'm stressed about him and helping him with his issues on top of my guy and his addiction combat PTSD and TBI problems and trying to get good grades in school while raising a very active and daredevil 1 year old. So my plates full. It's hard living with roommates too. One of them does drugs and smokes cigarettes in his room with my family here. The owner is evicting him thankfully. The other roommate is very sweet and generous he just doesn't ever clean up after himself and his side of the house stinks so bad it's hard not to get nauseous when I walk by that hallway. There are good things and bad things about my life. I have family; I've mended those bridges and my real true blue friends are there for me through the phone since one is in L.A. and one is in AZ. I am so lonely though. I'm used to having a life and being with this guy I haven't had a life in almost 2 years. He's not physically violent but he's mentally and emotionally abusive and doesn't think there's anything wrong with lying or getting drunk and being a horrible person or spending all the money we have on unnecessary stuff and alcohol. He's not my friend I can't trust or depend on him and I can't even have an intelligent conversation with him. I get nothing I want need or deserve from this relationship. I am so miserable I've let myself go and my PTSD is flaring up again; nightmares fear disassociation anger hate and depression not eating not sleeping etc. I think my life would be so much better without him. He's a good dad though and the baby just loves him so how can I RIP them apart? My rationale is protecting my son from his selfish impulsive horrible decisions and behavior. There's no one to help me and I have nowhere to turn. So I have to endure this until I get where I can do this myself. I'm not even concerned with trying in this relationship anymore. I've realized it's been over for a very long time. Why put myself through anymore heartache when I know that's all that will come from continuing on? He has no idea how to treat women or even respect any of us. He was raised by his friends and by war and he knows nothing about right or wrong or how to be a good person. I'm not sure if he can be helped or healed. He needs to want to be and if you think nothing you do is wrong you won't listen to anyone right? He thinks I'm being unreasonable telling him not to drink everyday and cares nothing about what I want or how I feel. He never listens and doesn't even really apologize or try to make up for wrongs anymore. I can't stand him anymore. Every day I wake up next to him disgusted disappointed angry sad and hurt. He got a job offer as a contractor overseas which entails him to be gone 3 months at a time and home for one month paying 114k a year. The baby will be miserable without him but thatd be ideal for me. I wonder if I should make the decision to send him over there (with a lot of danger; he could be killed at any time because it's in Afghanistan and Iraq) and let him just send money home for me to get everything straight and then decide if I want to break it off for good. Maybe separation will help us. Maybe being away from us and me having time to recharge will heal our relationship. Maybe if he goes over there he will see that his place is here with us and make him appreciate his family. Or it could make him decide to stay there and leave us. Or he could die. For me it's a godsend but for my son it's a nightmare. I would sacrifice anything for my son to have a good life and be happy and successful even my own happiness my health my life everything. That's would parents do for their children. So I can endure this a little longer until I can take care of the baby myself. I really wanted him to be my partner. I thought we were supposed to be together. How could I have been so wrong? I want that guy I fell for back but he seems to be gone for good. I love living in the country and closer to my oldest son. The schools here are pretty good too. I want that other room for my boys and to get my oldest full time but that costs money. Why does everything cost money? The system is set up so if you don't have money you're supposed to Darwin out. Horrible. I'm struggling with old habits and old problems. The stress even made my migraines come back and cause hives every so often. It's literally killing me so I'm not sure how much more I can take.. i know I will be ok and I will move forward stronger from this. I will not let this or him beat me. I will rise above. It's just so hard to see the light when I'm stuck down here in the dark again. One foot in front of the other, head pointed forward and straight ahead with my gaze 360°. This is a learning experience so not time wasted. More later...
  2. We are moving to a 2 bedroom apartment on the 1st and I am daring to have hope. I dont have any hope for the father of my child. He has proven that he doesnt want a better life, that I mean nothing to him. It doesnt matter anymore. What does matter is that when this new lease is up he will leave and i will have a 2 bedroom and he will pay child support whether he likes it or not. This next year I will live for me regardless of what he does. I will never get with an addict ever again. I will never be an addoct ever again. If hard things in life come I will find solutions and make myself happy. I will never lean on a crutch like that again. My son deserves worlds better. I pursue my education and I will get a job when the baby is 6 months old to be able to support us. I will live the life i see in my dreams, the life i yearn for. I am not worthless. I deserve to be treated right. I deserve to be happy. I deserve respect. I must take back control of my life. I cant believe ive allowed myself to be emotionally and mentally abused by him. At least there is no physical violence. But the other day in fear of him cheating on me and bringing me an STD i had sex with him. I had a flashback through the whole thing. I hated it. He makes me sick to look at now. I dont love him and i cant stand that im stuck here. He doesnt care that hes killing my soul. He wants his son here and if we break up he wont be in the same house. I cant believe how truly selfish he is. I am so hurt and depressed and angry. I am so full of hatred for him. I dont want to feel like this anymore. I dont want to be with him. I want him to stay in the one bedroom and me and the baby go to the two bedroom but that wont happen. At least i am on this lease and i will be forming good rental credit. I will endure whatever to be able to climb out of this hole i dug. My baby needs me. I feel frantic. I feel trapped. I feel suffocated and broken. No one will help me get away so i will fashion the opportunity myself. I refuse to let him kill my heart and soul. He wont win. He'll never change and i will never marry him. Yet out of the ashes i feel hope for once in a long time. Im sober and strong and my baby is healthy and beautiful. Im in school still and doing well. If i have nothing else i have hope. Thats enough for now...
  3. I delivered Forrest Vincent Luce on June 28 2018 at 8:47 pm. He was 7 lbs 3 oz and very healthy. He was a little early but I didn't mind; i was very ready! I didnt get pain meds, there wasnt time. I went from early labor waiting on contractions to Oh NO I have to push and the doctor isnt here yet! It was unbelievably horribly agonizingly painful. The pain snuck up on me and I was hyperventilating. I didnt go into a flashback thank the gods. I kept looking at Forrest for support and he was strong, a rock that I sorely needed. I pushed for an hour and he was finally out in a gush of fluids and an explosion of fiery pain. He was so beautiful and precious to me from the second he came out it felt like in the movies where they show that instant divine inspired mother's love for her newborn. I didnt feel that with my first, considering i fought through a flashback to push him out. I did grow to love him that way over those few days in the hospital. Little Forrest is smart, very alert and always scrutinizing, beautiful and healthy, strong; hes rolled over twice and lifts his head for an average of 10 seconds each time. I am so proud of him already! His daddy has been astronomically helpful sweet loving and responsible. Hes been posting pics of him on fb everyday since he was born. It seems something fundamental did change inside him when he saw his son being born. Hes been treating me right lately. His respect for me has risen. I am almost healed enough for him to go back to work. We have a dr. appt for little Forrest on Monday. Poor baby I think he has thrush so it has been difficult the last few days to nurse him. He is such a good baby though, he only cries when he is really hungry or frustrated. Let us hope that continues. I am even more convinced that he is my reason (along with Damien) for accomplishing all my goals like graduating with my doctorate paying off my debts getting a nice big place etc etc. I am hopeful and strengthened staring at him everyday in his innocent trusting sleep. I am determined to raise him as good as i can, that he will be a good person, successful and happy and strong. I cant write anymore right now because Im crying tears of joy.. I have a letter i wrote for him before he was born I will share when i get back on..
  4. I haven't been on this site in about a month. Way too long I would say. I have had a few very dark days and just white knuckled it, as alcoholics say. Crushing sadness and panic are the main ideas. I have been having trouble getting over the fact that my exhusband truly loved me and I now have someone who isn't really sure how to love because he never has loved anyone, not even himself. He is freaking out about being a father, the closer my due date gets, the stranger he acts. It is difficult to be with someone a lot like you in a lot of ways when it's the bad points that are similar. There's no balance. I always end up being the rock, the one dependable spot in the storm. Where is my rock? On who do I lean when I am too weak to stand? As usual in my life I have no one but me. No one could carry the burdens i do I guess, considering I have practice carrying not only my own but many other people's at once. I wonder if I am a masochist at heart. I thought he was strong, it was one reason I agreed to open my heart again in the first place. I am discovering that most of the things that attracted me to him were lies or exaggerations to accomplish his end of being with me. While I understand not believing that anyone can accept the true self at the beginning, I feel bamboozled, tricked, misled. Mutual respect and understanding builds trust and communication. We have none of that. I am debating leaving or staying to work harder on a relationship than i ever have, all while not knowing if i want to. Do i love someone who doesnt exist? More later... Need to process...
  5. Trigger warning Wow I didn't realize what I was saying and feeling was a sign of strength. Thank you Goddess.. I just reread what I wrote March 1 and was humbled all over again. I need to read that blog entry often to remind myself on the rough days. I cried while i was reading, but for once it was joyful tears. I have experienced a bipolar swing in emotions, from this peace and epiphany outlined in the blog, to feeling crushed and trapped and panicked and suicidal in the past couple weeks. I let myself be present in my emotions, let them wash over me, let myself feel without immediately turning to a synthetic substance for a salve on the open wounds. I analyzed, and prayed, and meditated. I called the Goddess, and i am not ashamed to admit that i begged for protection and deliverance. I was granted it the first time and have been more frequently. I realize this is the answer to my addictions to alcohol, to s**, to idol worship through being onstage, though I believe I can transfer it to my issues with the past. Ive done so much internal work in the past few months, determined to be the best mother and student I can be until my next purpose presents itself, my career as a psychiatrist. I am so far from perfect, my flaws are numerous and rear their ugly heads at the most inopportune times. But holding the idea that I am here to learn these lessons and experience these pains fully for a reason is slowly healing me. I can tell it will be a looooong road but I am prepared to face it with my head held high and my shoulders back, stubbornness turned capability in my eyes. Sometimes these things i tell myself i dont quite believe but the mind is a powerful thing. Belief can make a huge difference. Strength comes from within, and now I understand exactly what that means. Harnessing this elusive trait in myself is one of my main goals now. I am so grateful for all the support on here, thank you everyone. Big hugs to all, if ok.
  6. Leia, I know how it feels to be terrified, especially at night. Trust is something I still cant seem to give, and you are very right; we have to trust people. But forcing yourself to trust people you dont feel safe with is a bad idea. So i guess making people earn trust is a good idea. I dont have all the answers, but I do know that with time and effort and perserverance things will get easier. I wish you the best in your healing journey. Safe hugs if ok. Im here for you 😊
  7. Thank you for responding Ian and Goddess. I know there will be days I feel like giving up, when the peace I had that day can't be found no matter how hard I try. But it's ok now. You're right Ian, life may not be the way we originally planned but worth can be found in any situation. There is always a silver lining to every cloud. Struggling with addiction since I was 16 and quitting drugs and alcohol for the past 8 months definitely complicated things. Sobriety has brought clarity, though at first it was an overwhelming ton of bricks that hit me when I started feeling all of my emotions with no buffer. And it exacerbated my other addictions until I got a handle on them. This time I won't return to using outside unnatural sources when times get rough. This site, spirituality and creative outlets are my answers. For now.. Until I find more constructive outlets.. Thanks again 😊
  8. Today has been a very lazy day physically. I have done a lot of schoolwork and no chores, just self reflection. I've decided to change my mindset about my pregnancy and my delivery. I was thinking of meditating every day on things going a certain way. My mantra for my baby boy: Strong, healthy, happy, smart, beautiful My mantra for me during labor and delivery: I am the goddess, I am the Earth I let go and relax into the waves of creation I cannot think of better mantras. I believe in the power of intention, of visualization and affirmation. I believe I can make this time around much better than the first time. I know what it is like now and hopefully my body will remember how to do it. My body was made to be a mother biologically so there is no reason why I shouldnt be able to accomplish a normal, joyful, spiritual birth. My fears doubts and anxieties have all been misplaced. It has nothing to do with anyone or anything else, this amazing journey of motherhood. I must simply be in the moment and do what feels natural. If I am triggered I will repeat my mantras over and over and visualize the awesome creative power of the goddess, of our mother earth and maybe draw from her for strength. For the past week I have visualized and meditated and the difference is astronomical. I cant express how very much stress and anxiety i bled that i shouldnt have had in the first place. I was meant to be a mother. I believe in reincarnation, and that you choose your incarnation for the lessons you will learn throughout the course of your lifetime that can be used as evolving on the path to the creator. I believe once we have reached the last step in our spiritual evolution we can choose to become one with everything or remain behind to teach. I know I have a long way to go for that last step, but it makes me realize that I chose this incarnation. I needed this strength gained through pain and different perspective and knowledge. I have work to do here, and I may not be able to without experiences like the ones that brought me to this site. I guess you could say I had an epiphany in the quiet of solitude and schoolwork. It changed my whole outlook on a lot of things. I understand everything in my life now on a grand scale. Maybe some minute details still escape me but i am now able to look at my life and myself as things to be cherished, not abhorred. Im so deeply moved and thankful for this moment of acceptance and forgiveness of myself and others and peace with my path. I pray this attitude stays with me no matter what happens and that I can pass the good points of all of this to my children. I no longer let anyone bring me down no matter what they do or say. I respect myself completely and dont let anyone hurt me. I realize this post may be a little religious and I apologize for those whose religion is different than mine, my intention of course is not to offend. Just simply healing and recovering and moving forward in my own time as much as i can.
  9. Today is a much better day than yesterday. Mentally and emotionally I am allowing myself to be distanced from everyone especially my fiancee and zoning in on schoolwork so there arent any questions. Health wise I feel pretty good, good enough to clean and make burritos for dinner tonight. I realize that I DO have options; I could appeal to my dad and ask to come stay with him in AZ for a little while, there are homeless shelters and rent assistance etc, and I have a couple friends who would let me couch surf for a bit if I needed it. It helps to have options. I dont feel so trapped anymore. If I stay I will just distance myself from him to protect myself. I wont let him hurt me. I know that no matter what happens I will make things work because I am a survivor, a fighter. I have survived more than I should have and if I can do that I can do anything. I have to tell myself over and over that I can do this, that no matter what life throws at me I can get through it. I am dealing with a lot of things right now, but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. There is a reason I am here. I am not exactly sure what that is. I am reminded often how everything that I know is wrong. But thats ok. My brain isnt functioning well right now. Im a little loopy. But i guess its all part of the process right? Gotta keep moving forward. Even if I dont know why yet. One foot in front of the other. Until my last breath..
  10. Hi NorthernGypsy, So sorry for what brought you here and that you feel alone but so glad you reached out. Healing is possible, there is hope. You are not alone, we are here for you
  11. Hi skysky, Welcome! So glad you reached out. You will find many kind understanding souls here who know how to listen. Very good as a support network. Im so sorry for what your brother did to you and what youre experiencing. You can heal, it is possible. It may be a long road but there is hope. You are not alone..
  12. Hi You did the right thing seeking help. Ive only been here a few months and already its helping. There are understanding loving awesome people here. Im here for you. 😊
  13. Im not sure what to do. Im so depressed and tense its hard to think straight. I have the urge to cut and run again and its getting worse everyday, like war drums getting steadily louder in my head. I dont want to run anymore. I know its been preemptive some of the time. I think my guy is overwhelmed and has no clue how to handle this whole change to his life. Understandable but i just feel so unappreciated and unloved. I never admitted to needing anyones love until now. Am i being masochistic? Am i panicking about nothing? The man pays all the bills and rent so i literally have no worries in that department. But is that my standard of living now? He puts a roof over my head and i should bow down and take all his shit but get nothing back in any other way? Sigh. Ive been crying too much. I hope its just pregnancy hormones and ill go back to normal once i have my baby. But who knows. I just needed to vent. I needed to get it out. My guy still doesnt know most of the details and i think its better that way. I dont think he could handle it. Hes very weak in that way. He cant handle anything thats remotely emotionally difficult, just wants to drown it in alcohol. I know from personal experience it is never the answer. The bottom of the bottle is always dry. Every time. I dont know if i should just relinquish control and just go with the flow; if thats a healthier alternative to raging against the inevitable. I feel that is my guy and i breaking up and me starting again from square one. Im so sick of doing that. I dont know how many more times i can start over. I do have my father in my life and my cousin and aunt, and my few true blue friends, and my unborn son. I have my health. I have material necessities. I have school. I have my voice, my senses, my intelligence. I know my other son is healthy taken care of and loved though i miss him terribly. I have food in my stomach and this website when im feeling down. I have strength wisdom and forgiveness. I have moments of joy, pockets of happiness. Im working through my issues slowly and have made progress. I live with integrity now which feels amazing. Im making peace with my stepbrother from the grave. Im beginning to let go. Im on the right path i think for once. Im grieving it all one at a time. Im able to cry, to purge. I have hope for the future. Im pursuing my goals. My daddy issues are dissolving. My self esteem is rising slowly as i make deposits instead of withdrawals. Im sober. I can talk about my pain. I manage my anger. I see the joy in little things. Im too stubborn to die. So many things to be thankful for. So many positives. I must focus on these. I must stop wallowing in sorrow because its familiar. I must get off the defensive. I must stop being masochistic. I must stay sober and clearheaded. I must seek therapy. I must let go of having to control everything. I must love myself. I must put my children before anyone. I must realize what makes me special; cultivate my strengths and turn my weaknesses into more strengths. I will never give up no matter how beaten down and ancient i feel. I will remember my divinity. I know im loved when im all alone. I have to stop being so depressed. Its bad for the baby. Ive been so frantic i cant meditate or write or sing or anything i usually do to calm down. I wonder if i should close off from my guy. I wonder if i should force myself to trust him. I wonder if i should tell my ex husband that he loved me the best and thank him. Only he has known me as well in this life only he has loved me the way i truly needed. For that fleeting year he loved me. And i threw it away. But then his youngest son wouldnt be here so it happened the way it was supposed to. Im not angry. Im not bitter. Just sad. I let go of what i should have held onto and held onto what i should have let go. I dont have all the answers. In fact the longer i live the more i realize that everything i know is wrong and every so often i throw off what ive learned and open my mind to proof of what i couldnt see before. Ive known rapid earth shattering change for a long time. Maybe im always ready now for my world to crumble so i never let myself relax and settle in. If i do and things do go south uprooting myself will hurt so bad i dont think i can take bleeding out like that again. I say that but im used to and expect it. I feel strange when it doesnt happen after a certain point. Maybe sometimes i encourage and catalyze it just so theres no surprise. I dont really like surprises anymore. Im so jaded. I dont want to be. I see both sides of the coin but for some reason i just cant let myself relax and let my guard down. I see good people on here that wont hurt me and dont have ulterior motives so i know there are people i can trust out there. How do i make myself let them in? My son needs to know how to be a social creature. I cant teach him if im a recluse. Im not afraid of pain, i just dont want it anymore. Too many scars. But i cant hide forever right? I have to put it all on the line sometime. Then when it collapses i can finally say i gave it everything i had. Unfortuneately its not that much that everything i had. No matter what happens ill keep trucking, one foot in front of the other, stubbornly pushing past or through obstacles. No matter what caves in on me i still crawl my way out. Im not even sure why anymore. I just have an uncontrollable and unquenchable urge to keep going so i do. When i find the reason for that it may help i dont know. I feel very morbid right now, dry and cynical. Just a stream of thoughts from a weary sad brain thats all..
  14. Exdancer1986


    Dont give up. Healing is possible and you will get through this. I dont know your story but i can relate with what youre experiencing. Keep going and stay strong! Safe hugs if ok.
  15. Exdancer1986

    Christmas at Seven

    Im so sorry that happened to you. Safe hugs if ok. Stay strong..
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