An old hag sits hunched over at the end of the bar at Judy's. Cigarette in one hand. Gin in the other. Smoke burns her lungs. Gin rots her gut. Her skin is leathered. When someone approaches, she tells them to go to hell. She's alone. She's cold. She's closed. She's hard.
An old lady sits in her favorite chair, in her long time home, gazing out the window, in contemplation. With both hands, she cradles a cup of tea, savoring its warmth, fragrance, and beauty. The cup, adorned with pansies, was a gift from her beloved family for Mothers Day all those years ago. When someone approaches, she smiles, gestures widely in welcoming. She's connected. She's warm. She's open. She's soft.
It wasn't too many years ago that the scene of the first lady was what I held of myself for my later years. Not because I was a drinker, rather because in my early, tender twenties, I built a wall around my heart. The moment of that decision remains clear. Walking toward University Park, I stopped dead in my tracks and resolved to let no one in, again - ever.
Thirty years later…Scene change…I now imagine myself as the lady at the window.
I will attempt here, to capture and illustrate some of the experiences that have propelled me forward to my transformation, my metanoia. Quotes, wisdom, advice, and spiritual insights from others will be sprinkled among, because “Life comes from the recognition that I can't do it on my own.” (Jean Vanier) I did not, nor do I continue to do this on my own.
I will do my utmost to be forthcoming, transparent, and honest. Raw.
My story is full of hope. Albeit, at times, barely a flicker, it has never died. It burns brightly now, as I settle into my middle years.
Join me, if you'd like, into the journey of my past, continuing into my future. My continuing metanoia.
"I will lead the blind on their journey; by paths unknown I will guide them. I will turn darkness into light before them, and make crooked ways straight. These things I do for them, and I will not forsake them." ~Isaiah 42:16