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  1. Scene Change

    Scene Change An old hag sits hunched over at the end of the bar at Judy's. Cigarette in one hand. Gin in the other. Smoke burns her lungs. Gin rots her gut. Her skin is leathered. When someone approaches, she tells them to go to hell. She's alone. She's cold. She's closed. She's hard. Scene change... An old lady sits in her favorite chair, in her long time home, gazing out the window, in contemplation. With both hands, she cradles a cup of tea, savoring its warmth, fragrance, and beauty. The cup, adorned with pansies, was a gift from her beloved family for Mothers Day all those years ago. When someone approaches, she smiles, gestures widely in welcoming. She's connected. She's warm. She's open. She's soft. ~~~~~~~~~~ It wasn't too many years ago that the scene of the first lady was what I held of myself for my later years. Not because I was a drinker, rather because in my early, tender twenties, I built a wall around my heart. The moment of that decision remains clear. Walking toward University Park, I stopped dead in my tracks and resolved to let no one in, again - ever. Thirty years later…Scene change…I now imagine myself as the lady at the window. ~~~~~~~~~~ I will attempt here, to capture and illustrate some of the experiences that have propelled me forward to my transformation, my metanoia. Quotes, wisdom, advice, and spiritual insights from others will be sprinkled among, because “Life comes from the recognition that I can't do it on my own.” (Jean Vanier) I did not, nor do I continue to do this on my own. I will do my utmost to be forthcoming, transparent, and honest. Raw. My story is full of hope. Albeit, at times, barely a flicker, it has never died. It burns brightly now, as I settle into my middle years. Join me, if you'd like, into the journey of my past, continuing into my future. My continuing metanoia. "I will lead the blind on their journey; by paths unknown I will guide them. I will turn darkness into light before them, and make crooked ways straight. These things I do for them, and I will not forsake them." ~Isaiah 42:16
  2. The Gift of a New Year

    Wishing you all the best! Good for you moving forward into something that you love. Will pray for you this week. A couple thoughts on your teacher being a man. I venture slowly and carefully, when having to work with a man, assessing along and trusting my gut. We had some construction in our home recently, so the place was crawling with men. It was very difficult initially, even hiring the general contractor, but one stood out of the three interviewed. He was non imposing, soft spoken, and respectful. He turned out to be a catalyst for significant healing and growth for me. I continue to be amazed how God comforts and moves me forward when he knows I'm ready. Sounds like you're ready to give this a shot! Go for it girl! 👍🙂
  3. Found My Tribe

    Thanks also to One and MeBeMary
  4. Found My Tribe

    Thanks, Painnbroken
  5. Found My Tribe

    Hi everyone. I've only spoken in the confidentiality of therapists and some close friends. 30 years - After silence - I'm ready to speak. Finding you and after reading some, it feels like I've found my tribe. Grateful that you are here.
  6. Why can't I relax?

    I also want to wish you well in reducing tension. I am a 30 year survivor and have struggled much with it, so similar to what you're experiencing. Always waiting for the next shoe to drop is a bugger to carry. Lots of therapy, prayer, and developing healthy relationships with healthy men has enabled me to make a lot of progress in this area. Getting to a place of real connect and trust in God has been the key for me - to believe he's got my back and will never take back his love. This is starting to sink into my bones. I get how you felt so relaxed with your niece. The innocence and unbridled love of a child has been a place of relaxation and safety for me over the years. I appreciate you sharing on here. I can relate on many levels. (I'm new and this is my first interaction in the site) Reading your stuff drew me in. Thank you.
  7. Why can't I relax?

    I've been reading "Jesus Calling" for a few months now. It is truly balm for my soul. I hope you are finding more peace each day.