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About baillie

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    Afraid of shadows

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    I love animals!!! Especially dogs! I have 2 miniature schnauzers a cocker spaniel and a mix breed. I have a very old parrot (30 + yrs) and a paint horse. I also enjoy dog grooming, on my own dogs only...too much work otherwise!!<br /> I was bit by the travel bug a couple of years ago and have traveled to Europe a couple of times and had a wonderful time...I think about going back all the time.

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  1. WELCOME!!!! I thing you will be surprised that the age ranges of those who come to AS varies significantly!!! Some here are as young as you or younger and some are grandmas and then some. All of us have been through an experience that has bound us together as survivors and has brought us here. Some were "hurt" as very young children and others as adults and some both. Because of the actions of others we have been brought here to find comfort and understanding by those in the know. Those that have been there and can understand the pain and such that we live with everyday... Reaching out is the first step in healing. So, coming here is a good first step. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you deserved what happened to you! No one can know what you have been through and neither can they tell you that you should have reacted differently or to just forget about it. If you didn't feel what happened to you was wrong you wouldn't have searched for and found this place. Take care...
  2. baillie


    Hi and welcome! It was hard for me to say the "R" word for a long time too. Actually it took years for me to tell anyone about what happened to me, even then I couldn't say the word only hint at what happened. Then I sat down and wrote a long letter that I addressed to him and said exactly how I felt in detail about what he did and how he hurt me. I used the "R" word in that letter. I never sent it but it was such a relief to finally put it down on paper and just say how what he did made me feel, even if I was never going to send it. It gave me the power to say how I felt to him in person when he parked outside of my house one day and sat out there for over an hour until I got home. He pulled in behind my car in the driveway and got out of his car. I was in shock when he got out of his car. He was extremely nice and made small talk with me. I just stood there with my arms crossed and let him talk. He wanted me to go with him to his place. That was when I managed to muster up the courage to speak my mind. I then said to him without any fore thought, "I threw you out with the garbage a long time ago!" I wish I would have had a camera to get a shot of the expression on his face!!! I will never forget it. At that point he knew that I was not controlled by him anymore...It felt very liberating. So, if you can sit down and write down all of your thoughts and feelings like you are saying it to him, you may be surprised to find that it will be easier to post it here at a later date. Good luck in your healing! Baillie
  3. Welcome!! Look at you already getting the hang of it with the hearts and such... Feel free to talk about anything at anytime...There is always someone here to listen. Baillie
  4. baillie


    Welcome K'Jan I know how you feel. I too am 42yrs old. I was r*ped by a guy I had been dating for a long time when I was 24. I put it in the back of my mind until I hurt my back a couple of years later. The pain from the injury as well as the feeling of vunerability sent me into a tailspin. I started having severe anxiety attacks and because very reclusive. I was afraid to be out somewhere alone, especially after dark. Every man I saw seemed to be a potential assailant. I would have anxiety attacts at the mall or anywhere that a lot of other people would be. The pain medication didn't help that feeling either because it gave me even less control..... I hope you get to feeling better. Lately, I have been having a hard time dealing with the past as well. Sometimes it just seems like it rears it's ugly head so we can deal with it once again. I keep hopeing that by this happening, it is God's way of helping me heal....
  5. Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcome here. I find that since I have been coming here that I have a quicker temper and that I don't have tolerance for things that I used to just let roll off of my back. I'm thinking that this is a good thing, though. You see, I have never really faced this part of my past and have tried to just put it back as far in my mind as I could. Out of sight...out of mind so to speak. With the help of others in this community I feel like maybe I can let out some of the pent of thoughts and feeling that I have struggled so hard to bury...Get angry, cry and forgive myself for feeling guilty for being in a situation that could lead to this.
  6. Hi everyone. I guess I should make a formal introduction since I have given my thoughts on a couple of issues and some of you may wondering who I am. I was a victim of date rape 18 years ago. It still seems like yesterday to me. It basically shut down my whole life from the time I was 24 until I finally decided to take some "baby" steps a couple of years ago and try to find myself again. I have never been able to tell my family. I have a couple of close friends that know but not the details...Just to hard even after all this time. I keep thinking that I should be past the worst part of it by now but I still struggle. I think the reason why it has been so hard for me is because I trusted this person with my life and he took that trust and used it against me when I was at my most vunerable. Not only that but he was and is a law enforcement officer (someone that the public is suppose to trust). I didn't feel like I could even report him because of the repercussions that I would have faced from the law enforcement community as a result. I often wonder how many others he has done the same thing to over the years and they too were too afraid to do anything. One of the worst things about it is that he is a detective now. That makes him more visible as far as the public is concerned and sometimes he will be on TV or his photo in the newspaper and then it all triggers all over again. Anyway, I feel welcome here. Everyone is so supportive and friendly. I didn't realize how much I needed that in my life. At some point I will try to post my story in hopes of taking another "baby" step forward in my healing process.
  7. I'm from Kansas! Flat land, wheat fields as far as the eye can see!!!
  8. I turned 42 on the 22 of this month...Guess I'm one of the "old" ones here. Sometimes I feel every bit of my 42 years, and other times I go back to my childhood, which I missed out on and wish I could relive it and be a "kid" again.
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