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Everything posted by elisand

  1. I've always felt that noone cares about me. Even if they said they care. BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE ABOUT ME? I'M DAMAGED BOTHERSOME BORING HURTFUL... I never felt that my therapist cares. It is a foreign concept to me: Why should someone else care about me? I couldn't get the logic. So whenever people would do anything nice for me I'd think they are pitying me, if even. Then last summer I was feeling terrible. My mentor gave me like $70 and paid for a psychiatrist appointment. I was like WHY? WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME
  2. Hi welcome to AS AS is a safe place. No one will pressure Or look down at others' sensitivities You are welcome here😉
  3. Yes I agree with you, and you elucidate the tool. great! unfortunately my life was set in a religious community which basically teaches that everything that happens to you is for the best so you just have to accept it. Instead of supporting me and helping me gain tools to change that. I am reprimanded when I bemoan how I am always attacked. I had to and continue to learn that I am in control of making my life better, words that are treated by that community as heresy.
  4. People always hurt me. I always have felt everyone is against me. I mean if they hurt me I can't think of them as friends. And so I blocked them out. Truthfully it's very hard to be getting attacked every second. I realized that sometimes the person who hurt me isn't malicious. They might not despise me and hate me. they didn't hurt me because they don't respect me, just that they are regular thoughtless hurtful people. When they hurt me should I end any relationship? Maybe I could work through it with them. Tell them how they hurt me. I know
  5. Want to wish each one of you a safe and happy holiday. 

    Thanks to you all for the support.

    1. snmls


      Thanks.  Same to you:flowers:

  6. Want to wish each one of you a safe and happy holiday. 

    Thanks to you all for the support.

  7. elisand

    Tool # 3

    Lots of times I get hurt from even small slights, like even if someone made a joke that casts me in a negative way. Then people say 'don't be so sensitive'. And even like if someone closes a door I feel like they thought I was listening in. Then I feel guilty and depression and anxiety. These things happen countless times a day. When I talk to someone I read their body language that they are bored or that I said the wrong thing. My therapist said that if you wear glasses that are tinted red then everything will look red. Maybe because I think of myself as worthless and dirty I interpret
  8. I had a seizure. I'm ok. But I was wondering should I be scared.

    1. fallenstar


      I'm sorry to hear that but glad you are ok. 

    2. elisand


      Thank you

      I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow 

  9. elisand

    Tool #2

    i think this can be a conclusion. Friday night i spoke with mom. I indicated clearly that when she tells me to do things i feel forced. That if i don't feel like doing it and do it because she wants me to it won't be helpful, cuz it just will hurt me. I said that I notice and take in what needs to be done and am helpful. it would be ok to ask me if i can do something if she can acknowledge and accept that i need the space to refuse or do it in my own speed etc. I feel more comfortable asserting my choices of when and how to help out. that's an accomplishment! This is a tool: r
  10. elisand

    Tool #2

    Though I've created a fair day for myself, going home is always so difficult. So we wanted to talk about why. they expect me to help. but i clean my own appt., so why is it harder there? Because i know how i want it to be so i have freedom of how to do it. Also when i'm doing it for mom i feel like i'm trying to please her. And she's the one who decides if i did a good job. Then i'll feel so dumb. Also when i was very young the abuser forced me to serve him. so we discovered some very important things. I feel less in control when i clean up there. It triggers anxiety and all the
  11. Just getting over jet lag

    visiting home for 1 month. 

    please be with me


    1. Angel4100


      sitting with you and here for you

  12. Hi, Welcome to AS! i'm so sorry about what happened to you and your daughter. You've gone through years and years of silence and now suddenly all this comes pouring back on to you. Is it overwhelming? This might be the beginning of a hard journey for you and your daughter But no matter what we are here for each other.
  13. elisand

    Let's try Tool #1

    Additionally, now I am finding an ability to hold off on all personal information. I just came to my parents house and am currently able to control how much to react to things that bother me. I chose whether to show them that! I didn’t expect them to be any better than they are acting and am contemplating in what way to act with them.
  14. elisand

    Let's try Tool #1

    CONCLUSION:i met someone and was able to focus on the part she was seeing about me- so i stayed away from talking about how hard life is for me. That is a very big accomplishment because usually i feel like the victim part of me is being ignored. My therapist said today that this is a major part of my being in control that i could decide which part of me to show. Control is so so important cuz with abuse control was taken away
  15. elisand


    happens to me too I wish they would of never said anything cause now I’m walking around paranoid and feel like I have to keep smiling even when I’m on a verge of a break down do you mean like, i know what i feel can't i just function? When they mention it do they mean to show concern? Would you want people to care about what happened to you? Personally I've needed people to care (though most people never do) But truthfully they are not usually ready to care that deeply, they just care on a shallow level, because they don't know what happened to you. Do you feel like hidi
  16. elisand

    Todays session

    it's so hard. you are so courageous to work to climb out of this.
  17. elisand


    Were you upset? how did it make you feel to find that out?
  18. Hi, welcome to AS! Many of us struggle with the non-understanding of people. You've come to a place where guys understand and care.
  19. I find it hard to look at all people in the face. Why? maybe cuz I feel so ashamed. maybe cuz I am so afraid of what people think about what i say and do. can i look at them? I'm scared. What could happen? They will see who I am. What am I? a dirty worthless rag who always acts awkward. Can't they see what I did today. And I'm so much worse than them, my body doesn't cooperate. Well, I learned something new: people only see the part of me that they are interacting with. The bus-driver only sees the part of me that is what I am showing which is that I'm getting on the bus and paying. Eve
  20. I like the song. it's very positive action. counteracts the depression.

    Not about the attraction-oriented lyrics. That is a possible trigger if you don't like things about attraction.

    otherwise pls enjoy!

  21. elisand

    The Structure

    I think the structure will be writing a tool how i tried it what happened and work with it for a week and see how i feel about the process of course i welcome comments and tips about everything!
  22. elisand


    It's so important for us to bring tools we learn in therapy into our life. often we don't feel things are changing or getting better. When we use the tools we talk about in therapy we become stronger. Of course it takes practice but........ if we notice our progress we can feel we are moving toward a better life. Ultimately we are trying to hopefully achieve a better present and a future. I hope this blog will help us see more how to integrate what we learn into daily life.
  23. When people bump into me i have a strong negative reaction.

    I also realized i'm always putting out feelers to know whether to be happy


    1. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      when people bump into me I get angry

  24. elisand


    Hi! Welcome to AS! This is a safe place where it's ok to be yourself.
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