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Everything posted by elisand

  1. I had a seizure. I'm ok. But I was wondering should I be scared.

    1. fallenstar


      I'm sorry to hear that but glad you are ok. 

    2. elisand


      Thank you

      I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow 

  2. elisand

    Tool #2

    i think this can be a conclusion. Friday night i spoke with mom. I indicated clearly that when she tells me to do things i feel forced. That if i don't feel like doing it and do it because she wants me to it won't be helpful, cuz it just will hurt me. I said that I notice and take in what needs to be done and am helpful. it would be ok to ask me if i can do something if she can acknowledge and accept that i need the space to refuse or do it in my own speed etc. I feel more comfortable asserting my choices of when and how to help out. that's an accomplishment! This is a tool: realizing what I need is paramount and taking autonomy on that issue but still do what i can to accommodate others.
  3. elisand

    Tool #2

    Though I've created a fair day for myself, going home is always so difficult. So we wanted to talk about why. they expect me to help. but i clean my own appt., so why is it harder there? Because i know how i want it to be so i have freedom of how to do it. Also when i'm doing it for mom i feel like i'm trying to please her. And she's the one who decides if i did a good job. Then i'll feel so dumb. Also when i was very young the abuser forced me to serve him. so we discovered some very important things. I feel less in control when i clean up there. It triggers anxiety and all the other feelings of servitude I felt before. So even though now i try to give myself power, working for mom puts me back into the previous way of feeling. Is it an option to just not work? yes, but there will be unpleasant reactions. do i care? Is it possible to find a way to help while still retaining control? let's try!
  4. Just getting over jet lag

    visiting home for 1 month. 

    please be with me


    1. Angel4100


      sitting with you and here for you

  5. Hi, Welcome to AS! i'm so sorry about what happened to you and your daughter. You've gone through years and years of silence and now suddenly all this comes pouring back on to you. Is it overwhelming? This might be the beginning of a hard journey for you and your daughter But no matter what we are here for each other.
  6. elisand

    Let's try Tool #1

    Additionally, now I am finding an ability to hold off on all personal information. I just came to my parents house and am currently able to control how much to react to things that bother me. I chose whether to show them that! I didn’t expect them to be any better than they are acting and am contemplating in what way to act with them.
  7. elisand

    Let's try Tool #1

    CONCLUSION:i met someone and was able to focus on the part she was seeing about me- so i stayed away from talking about how hard life is for me. That is a very big accomplishment because usually i feel like the victim part of me is being ignored. My therapist said today that this is a major part of my being in control that i could decide which part of me to show. Control is so so important cuz with abuse control was taken away
  8. elisand


    happens to me too I wish they would of never said anything cause now I’m walking around paranoid and feel like I have to keep smiling even when I’m on a verge of a break down do you mean like, i know what i feel can't i just function? When they mention it do they mean to show concern? Would you want people to care about what happened to you? Personally I've needed people to care (though most people never do) But truthfully they are not usually ready to care that deeply, they just care on a shallow level, because they don't know what happened to you. Do you feel like hiding your feelings in front of the girl who knows about it? sending support. if you feel uncomfortable about all the questions please tell me
  9. elisand

    Todays session

    it's so hard. you are so courageous to work to climb out of this.
  10. elisand


    Were you upset? how did it make you feel to find that out?
  11. Hi, welcome to AS! Many of us struggle with the non-understanding of people. You've come to a place where guys understand and care.
  12. I find it hard to look at all people in the face. Why? maybe cuz I feel so ashamed. maybe cuz I am so afraid of what people think about what i say and do. can i look at them? I'm scared. What could happen? They will see who I am. What am I? a dirty worthless rag who always acts awkward. Can't they see what I did today. And I'm so much worse than them, my body doesn't cooperate. Well, I learned something new: people only see the part of me that they are interacting with. The bus-driver only sees the part of me that is what I am showing which is that I'm getting on the bus and paying. Even if I pay weirdly, that's the only part he saw. He didn't see that I was abused and that I have no friends and all the anxiety and loathing i have in regard to myself. Will this tool change my ability to not be as embarrassed when I mess up? Let me know what happens for you. I do speak about tools I learn in therapy. This will be helpful I hope but I don't expect that it can take the place of personal therapy. But it might serve as an example and help us bring the tools we learn into our lives.
  13. I like the song. it's very positive action. counteracts the depression.

    Not about the attraction-oriented lyrics. That is a possible trigger if you don't like things about attraction.

    otherwise pls enjoy!

  14. elisand

    The Structure

    I think the structure will be writing a tool how i tried it what happened and work with it for a week and see how i feel about the process of course i welcome comments and tips about everything!
  15. elisand


    It's so important for us to bring tools we learn in therapy into our life. often we don't feel things are changing or getting better. When we use the tools we talk about in therapy we become stronger. Of course it takes practice but........ if we notice our progress we can feel we are moving toward a better life. Ultimately we are trying to hopefully achieve a better present and a future. I hope this blog will help us see more how to integrate what we learn into daily life.
  16. When people bump into me i have a strong negative reaction.

    I also realized i'm always putting out feelers to know whether to be happy


    1. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      when people bump into me I get angry

  17. elisand


    Hi! Welcome to AS! This is a safe place where it's ok to be yourself.
  18. is there something to make us feel stronger emotionally?

    1. Free2Fly


      I would like to think so , just a matter of finding whatever it is.

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

    2. snmls


      I don't know, but I hope we all figure it out one day. 

  19. The question: What makes life worth living?

    1. Free2Fly


      Not sure haven't found the answer yet... sorry :( 

  20. Pretty terrible.. broken phone no money. But i have someone sitting with me. Need support please:(

  21. Hi! welcome to AS! we are here for you.
  22. Hi! you are welcome here.
  23. i thought it would be good to put down in which ways my existence has gotten better through therapy.

    i don't feel suicidal all the time

    walking is easier

    in control of my organs

    find things that help me like internet

    like After Silence

    buy things to make me feel good 

    like coke (the drink!)

    stand up to my parents and tell them what i need

    create a viable day plan that i feel good about

    think of what i want to do in the future

    met a girl (but i broke up) 

    know what is special about me

    filter who to connect with

    do things in public like speaking

    confident with study partners


  24. I really wish I could become a Pop-Star. 

    And I would sing how I feel as a survivor.

  25. there are terrible people everywhere. sending support
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