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Everything posted by elisand

  1. when i had a friend
    i felt i belong
    to something
    it's like i'm
    future exists 
    with someone
    by my side
    with noone
    how can i survive?
    I've always
    wanted a friend
    to share feelings
    and do stuff
    with a firm heart
    so I look around 
    for that one
    who will see in me 
    my greatness
    devoted to my
    and when I
    pass the many 
    I wish they'd be the one
    and open the door
    for me
    and love me for who I am
    I don't have to hide
    appreciate my many gifts
    that I am my true self
    a wonderful caring
    sensitive guy
    who doesn't judge or scorn
    only asks why
    til then who will know 
    my true self
    and treat that self
    and love me for
    being myself
    I hate hiding
    don't you?


    1. elisand


      thank you

    2. pattyr


      I really like the phrase "firm heart"!  And the whole poem gives me a clean true feeling. Thanks for sharing it.

    3. elisand


      thanks, somehow when i write my real feelings just come into focus

    4. Show next comments  3 more
  2. So I talked with my therapist for a while. It is a very important topic. We talked about acknowledging what happened. Deciding how much it should affect my life. And a lot of the pain is about that it reminds me of the pain I've gone through. Sometimes whatever happened could be a reason to feel down; it has to be something that affects what i have now in a big way. This is hard to put to words. I hope no-one feels hurt by it.
  3. Hi @1Stormcloud, welcome to AfterSilence. I think comin' here to a beautiful safe place is an important step for healing. Here for u
  4. so I tried it. something happened that made me feel down I told myself there are other stuff that are goin' good right now. I don't have to feel terrible just because of this. It worked. Only that it felt so so strange.
  5. lonesome
    all separate from people
    pull away though 
    your assurance is
    what I need
    to hold me close 
    tell me you're there 
    take your time
    I'm here for you
    All alone
    waiting for you to
    notice me
    see my abuse
    be strong for me
    take me under your wing
    provide for my needs
    care for my broken
    give care like a fountain
    where has everyone been?
    can't you
    step into my shattered world?
    or are you
    too preoccupied
    with your own
    I now see
    no-one is all confident
    and secure
    though it looked like you were
    you were a counselor or teacher
    a big guy who 
    looked out for us
    but now I know
    I wasn't your life 
    you are busy
    I'm a side-interest
    It's too bad
    why can't people be
    what I believed
    and yearned
    but I know this is
    how I'll be
    for anyone who 
    needs my care
    No-one is totally 
    but for the child crying out 
    I could be


    1. Sapphira


      I love this! :)

    2. elisand


      thank you I might create more like this

  6. keep wishing I'd have a friend who is really there for me.

    1. Sapphira


      I want to really be there for you all the time but I can't. I am struggling too. I will be there when I can.

      I feel like this too. I don't have anyone I could go to when I need help. I have learned to be there for myself. At least I know there's someone I can always count on. I can't give myself the best advice and I can't show myself things I don't see, but I'm always there. I also turn to God and it helps me.

  7. Today we discovered something unbelievable. We were struggling with why when i feel I hurt someone etc. that I am terrible. Just before I'd been feeling great. Why does this catapult me to the bottom? It's like a roller-coaster. And it's not fun. I want stability. Example: I was feeling like a 9 out of 10 and then I was reprimanded and shoot down to a 3. Here is the deal. First of all, that I did something awkward should not tell me I'm terrible. So why do I feel that way? Cuz it brings my feelings that life is impossible and I'll never get out of it and that I am helpless etc. The truth is that I'm not where these feelings are. The episode brought me to feel this. It's like a bridge. This thing makes me feel a little guilty about what I did Then i jump to think about how I felt for so long so intensely. Really there are many things happening that determine how I feel. like safety social and personal stuff. So even if something I do something weird that shouldn't tell me to feel a 3. There are other stuff going on like being safe and feeling good about hygiene etc. It should only be a part of my overall decision of how I'm feeling. This may actually direct my reaction to the negative thing to a lesser feeling cuz as I mention I do know this isn't where I am. It's like blowing up the old bridge.
  8. I was reminded of an important realization we talked about in therapy. For so long I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Where is it coming from? But in speaking about this I found being turned into a toy(another topic) and existing on an entirely different plane of existence from the ptsd and depression I was totally alone. It was an alternate world. I was so alone. So alone. So I had no friends etc. What I now understand is that I felt abandoned and rejected by my parents and teachers. That's how I have felt. It's why I feel no love or connection with them. Even though they weren't doing it on purpose, this was how I felt. And it was real. I did try to send out signals of my distress which were ignored. It is important cuz it helps me understand why I get triggered in certain instances and now also when I should speak up and tell my parents like what you did made me feel abandoned.
  9. I'm so sorry. What you went through was so terrible. OCD is so hard to deal with and then add all this on and it feels unbearable. How are you still managing? You gotta be special. I hope things get better soon. Here for you, Safe hugs if ok

    1. Stephenjames


      Thank you @elisand for your kind words to my post. Yes, OCD can be a very debilitating condition that is hard to find and answers too. I hope I can find solutions to a great many problems. Safe hugs to you too, if ok.  

  10. Got my hopes up that someone wants to be there for me. And they just dropped me. Feels so ---- I don't know. But not good. :(

    1. Kmkz


      Hope the 'not good' feeling goes away soon. Sending support, safe hugs and sitting with you, if you'd like.:console:

    2. Ian37


      Elisand, so sorry to see that this is the case. It tends to not be a good feeling at all. Just curious as to if this is someone online or away from the computer altogether.


  11. elisand

    #8 Hurts So Much

    So I think I should write about why I get so hurt when people say stuff or criticize etc. Because it really affects me. At times it made me feel like ******* myself. But when you tell them they totally don't get it, what did they tell me that was so bad that would make me feel that way? But the fact is that it does. What's going on? My T helped me understand this with a simile. Like if I have a bruise cuz I fell and got a serious bruise on my arm. Then someone goes and elbows me, hitting my arm, I'll jump and exclaim my pain very much. And the pain is real. But that guy who punched me had no idea. It's the same idea. I was very hurt emotionally when someone molested me used me and made me feel worthless. Now when someone criticizes, I feel like he hit me on that part of me that feels so worthless. And it hurts. It helps to realize and tell myself this when people hurt me. They weren't trying to trigger this. It takes the biggest hurt away and helps me keep going.
  12. I discussed this and it seems there are 2 ways to approach this. First, why am I using this program? to protect myself. Well maybe I can decide I don't have to ever forgive him. Much deeper I can realize that the reason I feel I'd have to forgive him is cuz everyone says he's good. But that's only because of their perspective. I have a different perspective in which I know he is bad/ doesn't deserve forgiveness. I can believe in my perspective and realize that I'm ok. When I make a mistake and hurt someone it has no comparison with what he did to me. pls comment what you feel about this
  13. Hi @Sapphira, luv having you around!:wave:

    1. Sapphira


      @elisand I am okay, just came here to look for some support. How are you doing?

    2. elisand


      Good for now but I'm on the roller-coaster. You probably know what I mean

    3. Sapphira


      Yes, I do. Sitting with you and safe hugs if okay :hug:

    4. Show next comments  3 more
  14. Interesting I realized yesterday at the western wall that i always tell myself how worthless and bad i am whenever i do something dumb or hurt other people. So I couldn't understand, why can't i let myself believe i'm good just i made a mistake? Then I realized something. If I concede that people can do bad things and still be good then i might have to forgive my abuser, maybe he's -------------- i can't say it because it's too painful to think less than complete revulsion for him. But even though I don't have a viable way to disconnect the two, I can know that I am still a good person. There is just a program inside me that compels me to think that way. I hope to discuss this in my next therapy session.
  15. Off to Israel!

    it was a really hard month. Without your support you on AS it would have been so much harder. 


    1. Dahliaa


      Hope you have fun and enjoy yourself! Lucky you! :) 

    2. fallenstar


      Have a lovely and safe trip! I'd love to go as well one day. Hope you enjoy it there 😊

    3. elisand


      Thanks @patriciag @Dahliaa and @fallenstar. 

      It's really much better. I feel like I'm finally able to breathe.:)

    4. Show next comments  3 more
  16. For so long I've felt so empty. The only emotions I experienced were sad pain hurt excruciating shame anxiety guilt worthlessness and more. The issue is, how can I have any positive emotions? I felt it was impossible In therapy we explored the realization that it is all part of my identity as a victim. The definition of a good day was when nothing happened that would cause me those feelings. I realized that all these are how I exist. My talents and achievements were not being considered as a part of my identity just things I do sometimes. What I have that no-one else does or what I do like smiling and caring to understand other people, to be sensitive. Why can't that also be part of my identity? And I decided to call that part Successful identity. This has taken much thought and introspection and then thinking when I will do something "I want this to be part of my identity". It took a long time for me to clarify what I am and it's still trial and error. But it is a process.
  17. like you didn't believe they would do something for you. That they would find something in you to be attracted to. So there is really something in me and you that others like and want to show that they feel it a privilege to do something nice for us.
  18. I've always felt that noone cares about me. Even if they said they care. BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE ABOUT ME? I'M DAMAGED BOTHERSOME BORING HURTFUL... I never felt that my therapist cares. It is a foreign concept to me: Why should someone else care about me? I couldn't get the logic. So whenever people would do anything nice for me I'd think they are pitying me, if even. Then last summer I was feeling terrible. My mentor gave me like $70 and paid for a psychiatrist appointment. I was like WHY? WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME MONEY? She answered that she sees what a nice sensitive beautiful person I am and she appreciates me. And she considers it an honor to be connected to me. At that point it was very hard for me to accept positive things about myself. However that started me on a growth pattern of recognizing there are some special people who appreciate others even though I talk slow and have physical and emotional difficulties. She told me I could have a Treasure Chest of the special people who I BELIEVE respect me and love me. This has given me more confidence to give myself permission to search for positive qualities in myself
  19. Hi welcome to AS AS is a safe place. No one will pressure Or look down at others' sensitivities You are welcome here😉
  20. Yes I agree with you, and you elucidate the tool. great! unfortunately my life was set in a religious community which basically teaches that everything that happens to you is for the best so you just have to accept it. Instead of supporting me and helping me gain tools to change that. I am reprimanded when I bemoan how I am always attacked. I had to and continue to learn that I am in control of making my life better, words that are treated by that community as heresy.
  21. People always hurt me. I always have felt everyone is against me. I mean if they hurt me I can't think of them as friends. And so I blocked them out. Truthfully it's very hard to be getting attacked every second. I realized that sometimes the person who hurt me isn't malicious. They might not despise me and hate me. they didn't hurt me because they don't respect me, just that they are regular thoughtless hurtful people. When they hurt me should I end any relationship? Maybe I could work through it with them. Tell them how they hurt me. I know how tough it is, especially when the other person doesn't know I was abused. And I can't tell them because I don't trust them to be sensitive.
  22. Want to wish each one of you a safe and happy holiday. 

    Thanks to you all for the support.

    1. snmls


      Thanks.  Same to you:flowers:

  23. Want to wish each one of you a safe and happy holiday. 

    Thanks to you all for the support.

  24. elisand

    Tool # 3

    Lots of times I get hurt from even small slights, like even if someone made a joke that casts me in a negative way. Then people say 'don't be so sensitive'. And even like if someone closes a door I feel like they thought I was listening in. Then I feel guilty and depression and anxiety. These things happen countless times a day. When I talk to someone I read their body language that they are bored or that I said the wrong thing. My therapist said that if you wear glasses that are tinted red then everything will look red. Maybe because I think of myself as worthless and dirty I interpret others' actions accordingly. Lets try to change the tint. maybe to blue. And think of myself a bit better and see if the interpretations change!
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