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Posts posted by elisand

  1. Hi! Welcome to after silence! Feel free to share or keep private in a way you feel secure. Your support of others on After silence is priceless. So happy to have you on. 

    If you would like a more casual friendship you can send me a message. 

  2. hi, for 20 years i didn't know whether i'd suffered abuse. like it was my fault because a certain measure of ""pleasure"" was felt. well, it was abuse and the ""pleasure"" was what destroyed any drop of life from me.


  3. 10 hours ago, Indyrex said:

    I can't control the emotions very well and have had to leave work because I panic and can't stop crying. Like for hours I can't stop. It feels like a damn being broken up with all this pent-up pain I never dealt with (I didn't remember for 6 years) so I'm trying to let it out without the pain consuming me.

    It sounds so hard. I agree with what ian said. The pain is very complex. It's not in any way similar to what regular people go through all the time. It can totally alter a person's reality. Are you looking for therapy?

    With you all the way.

    Safe hug, you deserve :hug:

  4. On 4/15/2018 at 2:09 AM, Indyrex said:

    Hey all, Indy Rex here.

    I just joined the site and am not really sure where to begin.

    I've been struggling with PTSD for about a year now.  And honestly maybe struggling the most with accepting the fact that I am a survivor.  That it's a huge part of who I am, and has been controlling my behavior and emotions for so long. 

    But I don't want it to. 

    I want to be in control. 

    I want to have a safe space where I can be open about what I've been through and feel accepted.  Which is what I hope to find here -- others who feel what I feel.  Others who understand me.

    u'r right it controls our emotions and behavior.

    and one of the first steps to taking back control is to want to.

    I looked at it that the abuser may he rot forever has no right to destroy my life (which he very successfully did).

    I am in a much better place now 2 yrs after the beginning of my therapy but this is a theme that comes up often. 

    I get upset when my T points out something that i'm being controlled. IT'S NOT ME AND I HATE IT.

    one very positive thing is to identify as a survivor as opposed to a victim. They are both true but as trying to heal ID' ing as a survivor really can help.

    I'm so sorry for what you went through. the pain u must have went through must 've been terrible.

    Indy Rex, you didn't deserve such pain and i think you can heal and have a better life. Safe hug if ok


  5. hi Optimisticlady and welcome to after silence. 

    i'm so glad that you have gotten to find your voice and so determined. It is so important. It's fine to be not fine here. no-one will judge, only offer whatever support we can

    safe hugs if ok

  6. Hi, Welcome to AS!

    i'm so sorry about what happened to you and your daughter.

    You've gone through years and years of silence

    and now suddenly all this comes pouring back on to you.

    Is it overwhelming?

    This might be the beginning of a hard journey for you and your daughter

    But no matter what we are here for each other.

  7. On 2/28/2018 at 1:54 AM, maaniii said:

    Hello, I am 16 years old. My experience  happened with I was 15. I am currently going through the healing process. I just told my parents after going down a self-destructive path for far too long. I am ready for this.  

    Hi! Welcome to AS! :)

    This is a safe place where it's ok to be yourself. 

  8. On 1/27/2018 at 12:00 AM, HonestHeart said:

    I am a survivor of long-term CSA, and I recently started dealing with my abuse, as well as the emotionally abusive household in which I grew up.  I had no idea when I started my journey that it would be so hard.  I guess I did such a good job of stuffing things down that I didn't know how much or what was in there.  It feels like I'm always finding some new pocket of hurt and pain.  Sometimes I feel like I'll never find the bottom.

    I feel like I don't fit in anywhere, so I'm really hoping to find that I belong here.  Other than my therapist and my husband, I have no one else to talk to, as all of my relationships seem to fail.  I just feel so alone.  Some days are so incredibly hard and painful.  Sometimes I feel like I'm being crushed by the weight of my past and its aftermath.  I believe the healing journey is worth it, but it sure is hard.

    I think here is the safest place in the world. I hope you will feel that way too.

    It's so hard. I sometimes think that if i would have known how hard it would be i wouldn't have started. 

    But now i am at a stage where i can see a future in the distance.


  9. On 11/1/2017 at 6:04 AM, mousie41 said:

    Yeah I thought him being gone would make me feel better that he is no longer on this earth... I in someways I do feel better.  However, I guess what I wasn't ready for is all the people that thought he was this great guy.  Saying they miss him ect.  I kinda lost my cool when I saw a video of his urn that was inscripted with loving father and husband.... 

    Welcome to AS!

    I hate when people talk about my abuser in non-negative ways. And i can't stop them w/o revealing what he did


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