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Status Updates posted by elisand

  1. maybe i feel depressed and sad bec. i don't feel loved?:(

    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. CrimsonQ


      @elisand What does love mean to you? I often wonder myself, what is love? I don't know if I've ever experienced love, except for the pure love from a cat. Animals seem to know how to love better than humans.

    3. elisand


      idk, i definitely don't love my parrents though they think they love me.

      I agree, and i want a pet but currently i am not in the position to have one.

      And thanks @Free2Fly, i wish i knew why people love me, maybe i can't love myself

    4. Free2Fly


      :hug: , i'm sure its just a learning process.

  2. Hi @Sapphira, luv having you around!:wave:

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Sapphira


      @elisand I am okay, just came here to look for some support. How are you doing?

    3. elisand


      Good for now but I'm on the roller-coaster. You probably know what I mean

    4. Sapphira


      Yes, I do. Sitting with you and safe hugs if okay :hug:

  3. Off to Israel!

    it was a really hard month. Without your support you on AS it would have been so much harder. 


    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. Dahliaa


      Hope you have fun and enjoy yourself! Lucky you! :) 

    3. fallenstar


      Have a lovely and safe trip! I'd love to go as well one day. Hope you enjoy it there 😊

    4. elisand


      Thanks @patriciag @Dahliaa and @fallenstar. 

      It's really much better. I feel like I'm finally able to breathe.:)

  4. when i had a friend
    i felt i belong
    to something
    it's like i'm
    future exists 
    with someone
    by my side
    with noone
    how can i survive?
    I've always
    wanted a friend
    to share feelings
    and do stuff
    with a firm heart
    so I look around 
    for that one
    who will see in me 
    my greatness
    devoted to my
    and when I
    pass the many 
    I wish they'd be the one
    and open the door
    for me
    and love me for who I am
    I don't have to hide
    appreciate my many gifts
    that I am my true self
    a wonderful caring
    sensitive guy
    who doesn't judge or scorn
    only asks why
    til then who will know 
    my true self
    and treat that self
    and love me for
    being myself
    I hate hiding
    don't you?


    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. elisand


      thank you

    3. pattyr


      I really like the phrase "firm heart"!  And the whole poem gives me a clean true feeling. Thanks for sharing it.

    4. elisand


      thanks, somehow when i write my real feelings just come into focus

  5. I told someone i was abused. wonder when the suicidal feelings will start bec. thats what happens whenever i tell anyone.

    in need of support

    1. Kmkz


      You are not alone sitting with you and sending support. 

    2. elisand


      thank you right now i'm going into shock 

    3. Rey Stromnight

      Rey Stromnight

      hi, im sitting with you and sending support if its ok

  6. Two days ago mom told me they are hoping I could forgive him. I'm so upset. 

    1. tuliptorn


      That would upset and piss me off too.

      Sorry they said that. They have no idea.:flowers::hug:

    2. elisand


      thanks. I think they care about the perv. What the f----'n he--.

  7. It is so important for me to feel I count

    1. MeBeMary


      You count. You count a heck of a lot. :hug: to you, if ok.

    2. elisand


      thanks so much

      But I don't get why

  8. found out that the concept of being defiled and violated applies to me. Idk, maybe i have been too frozen and broken to think that way 'til now:unsure:

    1. robynpi


      :( I'm so sorry

    2. elisand


      thanks. could you sit with me for a while?

  9. is there something to make us feel stronger emotionally?

    1. Free2Fly


      I would like to think so , just a matter of finding whatever it is.

      safe hugs :hug: if ok?

    2. snmls


      I don't know, but I hope we all figure it out one day. 

  10. I had a seizure. I'm ok. But I was wondering should I be scared.

    1. fallenstar


      I'm sorry to hear that but glad you are ok. 

    2. elisand


      Thank you

      I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow 

  11. Got my hopes up that someone wants to be there for me. And they just dropped me. Feels so ---- I don't know. But not good. :(

    1. Kmkz


      Hope the 'not good' feeling goes away soon. Sending support, safe hugs and sitting with you, if you'd like.:console:

    2. Ian37


      Elisand, so sorry to see that this is the case. It tends to not be a good feeling at all. Just curious as to if this is someone online or away from the computer altogether.


  12. lonesome
    all separate from people
    pull away though 
    your assurance is
    what I need
    to hold me close 
    tell me you're there 
    take your time
    I'm here for you
    All alone
    waiting for you to
    notice me
    see my abuse
    be strong for me
    take me under your wing
    provide for my needs
    care for my broken
    give care like a fountain
    where has everyone been?
    can't you
    step into my shattered world?
    or are you
    too preoccupied
    with your own
    I now see
    no-one is all confident
    and secure
    though it looked like you were
    you were a counselor or teacher
    a big guy who 
    looked out for us
    but now I know
    I wasn't your life 
    you are busy
    I'm a side-interest
    It's too bad
    why can't people be
    what I believed
    and yearned
    but I know this is
    how I'll be
    for anyone who 
    needs my care
    No-one is totally 
    but for the child crying out 
    I could be


    1. Sapphira


      I love this! :)

    2. elisand


      thank you I might create more like this

  13. The question: What makes life worth living?

    1. Free2Fly


      Not sure haven't found the answer yet... sorry :( 

  14. When people bump into me i have a strong negative reaction.

    I also realized i'm always putting out feelers to know whether to be happy


    1. Free2Fly


      Safe hugs :hug: if ok?

      when people bump into me I get angry

  15. Just getting over jet lag

    visiting home for 1 month. 

    please be with me


    1. Angel4100


      sitting with you and here for you

  16. Want to wish each one of you a safe and happy holiday. 

    Thanks to you all for the support.

    1. snmls


      Thanks.  Same to you:flowers:

  17. I'm so sorry. What you went through was so terrible. OCD is so hard to deal with and then add all this on and it feels unbearable. How are you still managing? You gotta be special. I hope things get better soon. Here for you, Safe hugs if ok

    1. Stephenjames


      Thank you @elisand for your kind words to my post. Yes, OCD can be a very debilitating condition that is hard to find and answers too. I hope I can find solutions to a great many problems. Safe hugs to you too, if ok.  

  18. keep wishing I'd have a friend who is really there for me.

    1. Sapphira


      I want to really be there for you all the time but I can't. I am struggling too. I will be there when I can.

      I feel like this too. I don't have anyone I could go to when I need help. I have learned to be there for myself. At least I know there's someone I can always count on. I can't give myself the best advice and I can't show myself things I don't see, but I'm always there. I also turn to God and it helps me.

  19. So I hurt some people inadvertently. 

    then I said sorry. but that didn't take the guilt away. 

    I was like "i hate myself"

    It's the guilt

    I guess the way out is to forgive myself. but it's so hard.

    1. Kmkz


      It may be hard, you can learn to forgive yourself. Doesn't sound intentional and you said sorry. Maybe start by replacing feeling guilt with doing something good?

  20. the secretary in my therapy clinic is a -----. she made me feel like trash just because I asked if I could photocopy some papers. "let your therapist ask"- as if I'm incompetent and lowly.

  21. Not meeting my T this week. hope I'll be ok

  22. some ups and downs. my therapist pushes me so much. 

  23. I think i only remember anything in snapshots like a picture of any event in my past not like a video.Also it's like my memories are on mute. I don't remember sounds. Maybe that's why sounds trigger me. 

    I just realized this and i needed to share it but my T is away. 

    Also I started to feel a little. It's scary. Yesterday my apartment got rain inside and i felt so desperate.

  24. doing ok. watched the movie http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2978102/ 

    i found the building relationship with kate and her ultimate happiness really resonates inside. 

    i want that. 

    and also how nick will do anything to save her. Why couldn't my dad do that, be there for me?

  25. watched the movie Nowhere Safe.

    i feel so bad with her. 

    i've had so many of those feelings.

    i wish someone was there for me also.

    i love the ending, she's so brave

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