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Blog Entries posted by elisand

  1. elisand

    My Blogs
    One of the hardest parts of being abused was isolation. I felt cut off from the world. I felt like everyone else in the world is more valuable than me, I was ashamed for wasting their time on me. I was worthless, and they were so successful. They seemed so confident and in control and competent. I was jealous honestly. And I understand my jealousy. I would think, their problems are so small. Additionally, and perhaps much more powerful was my feeling of degradation because I knew I couldn't control my penis, my desire to masturbate while they all seemed to be in complete control. Not only that, my sexual desire was so strong I would be pulled almost physically to look at their body and even imagine touching them, and especially children. I felt like a pervert. Like a dangerous person. Even though I never touched another penis other than my abusers. I felt like people looked at me and just saw where I was looking. They saw me as a pervert and no way could I tell them I'd never touch them. And when I gained the ability to not look, I was sure people could see I was acting funny, that I was trying not to look. And years ago I learned with a kid and couldn't tear my eyes away from his pants and EMBARRASSINGLY he one day asked me, why do you always look at my pants? I became deathly afraid he had told his parents and was so ashamed. 
    I thought people could see my vulnerability and exploited my discomfort. 
    Well you can imagine how isolated and sad I felt. The helplessness, the fear, the shame. 
    Much later I began to let myself know and believe, I'M NO WORSE THAN OTHER PEOPLE. What happened to me, that early sexualization by my abuser was not right and I was an innocent child. I as a person, a human being deserve the same respect any other person gets. And I could demand it from people. If they refused, they were considered by me to be less virtuous or just self-centered. And that's not my problem. Sure, it still triggers the rejection alarm in my brain, but I know it's not really. Im still the same good guy. 
    At a certain point I mustered the courage (borne by terror) to ask someone, how do I look to the outside world? And you know what he said? He said I look like a respectable, nice person. I was incredulous. Couldn't they see how transparent and vulnerable and ashamed I was???? And yet the fact was, NO they couldn't. Well that was truly an eye-opener. I had been struggling to create an outward persona as a person not being full of depression and shame, and I had that. People didn't see me in the way I knew myself to be. That released so much anxiety. It took months for it to sink in and start changing how I interacted with others but astoundingly, the more I asserted my right for others to respect me, the more respect I recieved. 
    Actually some people do even now see me as funny, because I am so open to talking about stuff. But now I don't have much of an issue with it. They're not for me. I know inside I'm not a danger to others. How open I have been, not knowing how to set boundaries with what I reveal to whom was a humongous struggle as well but we could write about it in another blog post. 
  2. elisand

    My Blogs
    I have experienced a lot of isolation and I know I would not feel sad if many people passed away.
    However some would matter. How do we handle grief, especially when we have PTSD so we experience things at much greater intensity. Particularly when there's a feeling of guilt. Just yesterday I came across a woman who gave permission to pull the plug on her dad. 
    The first thing is to try to take good memories of them and highlight them in your mind. Share it. Write it down. It can be a way other people and even you grow through the memory of your loved one. 
    Another important tool, I personally know of the afterlife, not how the Christian religion sees it by the way. In my understanding, if you do a good thing in their memory it increases their pleasure in the afterlife. And they will be grateful to you for that. It's a way for you to maintain a special relationship with your loved one. Not by speaking to a medium or psychic. This can give you satisfaction as being a vehicle of good for your loved one. 
    When you feel sad it's not a bad thing and you shouldn't be angry at yourself. There's so much more but this is what's on my mind for now. All questions are welcome
  3. elisand

    My Blogs
    What I thought about today
    I am fighting to create a "Day" for myself. It's so hard for me to be consistent. I've honestly tried but I never figured it out. I realized recently that I didn't really have anything to get up for. It's nice to know that I want to have a productive day and it's so important to acknowledge that I don't feel satisfied about each day, but how do I fill that time? 
    First I thought I was just hopelessly lethargic. My new therapist challenged me. He said, maybe I'm just afraid of failure and rejection. I don't think he was right initially. I just felt hopeless about ever getting a real job and living on my own. I felt that I have no marketable skills. 
    One day I started thinking, starting in my bed feels comfortable on the one hand, but on the other hand I'm almost punishing myself. Its like, I'm literally going to a place that reminds me how helpless I am. Why do I deserve to punish myself more? 
    Now I was desperate to find a way to make something happen. I was feeling lonely so I tried saying websites. You know, it's a special feeling of future to me to be talking to someone, thinking about creating a future together. It's like a tonic. Of course, I got scammed. Like any vulnerable person. I felt so bad. I was using tiktok, trying to put myself out there, be appreciated. I found some nice people there, and a lot of anxiety. I was afraid of typing the wrong thing etc. But I found some very positive people who forgave my awkwardness. 
    Still struggling. My therapist suggested exercise, I told him it's always too hard. I get lethargic. Well, he had an idea. Low Impact Cardio. It's not strenuous and it kind of feels good after a bit. Especially with The Body Project (they are a channel on youtube).
    I also downloaded a ton of apps that pay money for games and ads. And I tried investing.
    And then I discovered affiliate marketing. I found it from YouTube, from a creator called Liam Thompson. And slowly I learned about making a website and getting money from driving business to companies through a website. It's been really rocky, I sent emails but one day I told my sister that I made a website and she was excited, she wanted to see it. That felt so good. Like, I could do something impressive! And it's still rocky. Hard to get out of bed. But now I have things I want to do in a day. I like making my amateur website. 
    I love Liam Thompson. More than even Mr. Beast. Why? Because Liam had an idea and he literally did it. He focused on that one thing and accomplished it. And he put all his effort into it. And then he accomplished it. My therapist said, if I put in half the effort I'll only get half the results. And, it's true. I've been putting in a lackadaisical amount of time into the creating a website and I was getting small results. And that's when what my therapist had said clicked. I was finding it so hard to channel my efforts because I was afraid of failure, that making a website won't get me money, that I will be back where I started. And it stopped me. But he said, if I do nothing, then I FORSURE won't get anything. And as always, he's right. At the same time, I was still afraid of the potential futility of it. And he said, you won't fail, you will learn what doesn't work. He was right again, I've learned what I feel comfortable with, what doesn't work, and most recently to establish a relationship with the hosting platform that I am using for my website. Look at me, using these technical terms I never imagined I'd get to know!!!
    Now I have stuff in my day. I look forward to a bit of exercise, work on my website and cleaning my house a little. That doesn't get me through the whole day but it's still a big step. 
    And I had a meeting with my parents, instigated by my mother about finding me a job. And that's good! Believe me, I was so not down for the meeting but now my dad is actively helping me find a job. And because of him now I have a resume. I would not have dug up the old file I had created and turned it into a real deal resume. I actually submitted it today after a ton of anxiety and stuff of course, but wow! 
    And thinking about all this Iam reminded that my sisters are now much more accepting of me and even my younger brothers are acting better (relatively) with me, and I'm not walking around with a ton of resentment to my parents either. 
  4. elisand

    My Blogs
    Well guys, I've been away for quite some time! During that time I've learned a few things about myself and life (to say the least!)
    How do I feel coming back? I feel a lump in my heart. I remember the sadness and pain I was in when I wrote my blogs, and the help and camaraderie that you all offered.
    It was very dark. I remember feeling nothing would or could get better. I remember the loneliness I always felt in the world. I remember not being able to even write the letter I in capitalized form. I remember my eyes streaming tears when I read the supportive messages from you guys. And now I'm different. I'm in a better place then I ever believed possible. And let's not imagine I'm in a perfect position. I still struggle with the challenges of loneliness and sadness and feeling helpless to become successful in the world. I so badly want to find a job. I struggle with being consistent, in prayer and feelings of rejection. 
    But it's not crippling. And I foray into the world. Sure, there are triggers, and I still can't stand certain things. 
    I learned something about those stuff. I could refuse to accept it. Be active in stopping it and knowing that I have the right to do that. Recently I was trying to teach a 14 year old and he and his friend began disrespecting me and damaged the book I was using. No more sucking it up. I told them off. Made them feel like idiots for what they did. And I don't feel bad. They were disrespecting me and they had no right. 
    I learned a way to pray without feeling locked in. When I pray I am very triggered and affected by solemn tunes etc. So I cut them out. If I can't stay that long? I leave. If I'm finding myself becoming too self-critical I start thinking about how I feel about the stuff I'm doing to improve my lot like my ideas for business, instead of that God forsook me.
    And I never get angry at myself for not doing enough. Expectations breed disappointment!
  5. elisand
    Back at my house I'm being triggered & thrown off in ways I don't even realize. 
    A certain blanket
    a horn
    a bathroom
    I was feeling not in control. Helpless. My body was reacting to all this.
    I took a hammer and destroyed his horn. I'm slowly retaking control. Got rid of the blanket self talk controlling & choosing my food intake. 
  6. elisand
    People have always said to me that if I feel bad cuz someone hurt me it's my fault that the only one who hurts me is me. 
    Forever I hated that. I'd try to not be hurt & obviously that didn't work. 
    My therapist and I were exploring the concept how when someone hurts me what i should focus on is not about that person, that he's bad and did the wrong thing. Even though that may be.
    What matters the most for me is how it is affecting me. That person may never apologize, so where would that leave me if I depend on him. Instead I could try to figure out a way to deal with what I felt.
    I realized this addresses the same thing as what people say that i mentioned in the beginning. Meaning, how I proceed does not depend on the one who hurt me. It's not about being my fault.
  7. elisand
    Today we discovered something unbelievable. We were struggling with why when i feel I hurt someone etc. that I am terrible. Just before I'd been feeling great. Why does this catapult me to the bottom? It's like a roller-coaster. And it's not fun. I want stability. 
    Example: I was feeling like a 9 out of 10 and then I was reprimanded and shoot down to a 3.
    Here is the deal.
    First of all, that I did something awkward should not tell me I'm terrible. So why do I feel that way? Cuz it brings my feelings that life is impossible and I'll never get out of it and that I am helpless etc. The truth is that I'm not where these feelings are. The episode brought me to feel this. It's like a bridge. This thing makes me feel a little guilty about what I did Then i jump to think about how I felt for so long so intensely.
    Really there are many things happening that determine how I feel. like safety social and personal stuff. So even if something I do something weird that shouldn't tell me to feel a 3. There are other stuff going on like being safe and feeling good about hygiene etc. It should only be a part of my overall decision of how I'm feeling.
    This may actually direct my reaction to the negative thing to a lesser feeling cuz as I mention I do know this isn't where I am. It's like blowing up the old bridge.
  8. elisand
    The secretary of the clinic  spoke to me very curtly and I felt very hurt. It's happened like this many times and it's an important aspect to address.
    My T and my mentor both would never speak that way to me. My T explained that it's because of our relationship. Other people will not know or be considerate with what hurts me. 
    I used tools like that she doesn't know me in a personal way so she isn't sensitive to it. Or that she was having a hard day or that she is just an insensitive human being. Also, she didn't  say it with the intention of hurting me. 
    I could go to her and tell her what she said hurt me. but I won't. Why? cuz that makes me vulnerable, that I need her to say sorry in order for me to feel better, and what if she refuses to.
    I acknowledge it hurt but At the same time that shouldn't stop me from living. I have other things I like. I refuse the option of stopping those things because some dimwit hurt me. I will however dislike her and keep a distance.
  9. elisand
    I was reminded of an important realization we talked about in therapy. For so long I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Where is it coming from? But in speaking about  this I found being turned into a toy(another topic) and existing on an entirely different plane of existence from the ptsd and depression I was totally alone. It was an alternate world. I was so alone. So alone. So I had no friends etc.
    What I now understand is that I felt abandoned and rejected by my parents and teachers. That's how I have felt. It's why I feel no love or connection with them. Even though they weren't doing it on purpose, this was how I felt. And it was real. I did try to send out signals of my distress which were ignored.
    It is important cuz it helps me understand why I get triggered in certain instances and now also when I should speak up and tell my parents like what you did made me feel abandoned. 
  10. elisand
    So I think I should write about why I get so hurt when people say stuff or criticize etc. Because it really affects me. At times it made me feel like ******* myself.
    But when you tell them they totally don't get it, what did they tell me that was so bad that would make me feel that way? But the fact is that it does. What's going on?
    My T helped me understand this with a simile. Like if I have a bruise cuz I fell and got a serious bruise on my arm. Then someone goes and elbows me, hitting my arm, I'll jump and exclaim my pain very much. And the pain is real. But that guy who punched me had no idea. 
    It's the same idea. I was very hurt emotionally when someone molested me used me and made me feel worthless. Now when someone criticizes, I feel like he hit me on that part of me that feels so worthless. And it hurts. 
    It helps to realize and tell myself this when people hurt me. They weren't trying to trigger this. 
    It takes the biggest hurt away and helps me keep going.
  11. elisand
    Interesting I realized yesterday at the western wall that i always tell myself how worthless and bad i am whenever i do something dumb or hurt other people. So I couldn't understand, why can't i let myself believe i'm good just i made a mistake? 
    Then I realized something. If I concede that people can do bad things and still be good then i might have to forgive my abuser, maybe he's --------------  i can't say it because it's too painful to think less than complete revulsion for him. 
    But even though I don't have a viable way to disconnect the two, I can know that I am still a good person. There is just a program inside me that compels me to think that way.
    I hope to discuss this in my next therapy session.
  12. elisand
    I've always felt that noone cares about me. Even if they said they care. BECAUSE WHY SHOULD THEY CARE ABOUT ME? I'M DAMAGED BOTHERSOME BORING HURTFUL...                  I never felt that my therapist cares. It is a foreign  concept to me: Why should someone else care about me? I couldn't get the logic. So whenever people                                                     would do anything nice for me  I'd think they are pitying me, if even. 
    Then last summer I was feeling terrible. My mentor gave me like $70 and paid for a psychiatrist appointment. I was like WHY? WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME MONEY?
    She answered that she sees what a nice sensitive beautiful person I am and she appreciates me. And she considers it an honor to be connected to me.                                                    At that point it was very hard for me to accept positive things about myself. However that started me on a growth pattern of recognizing there are some                                                    special people who appreciate others even though I talk slow and have physical and emotional difficulties.
    She told me I could have a Treasure Chest of the special people who I BELIEVE respect me and love me. This has given me more confidence to give myself permission to search for positive qualities in myself
  13. elisand
    For so long I've felt so empty. The only emotions I experienced were sad pain hurt excruciating shame anxiety guilt worthlessness and more. The issue is, how can I have any positive emotions? I felt it was impossible
    In therapy we explored the realization that it is all part of my identity as a victim. The definition of a good day was when nothing happened that would cause me those feelings. I realized that all these are how I exist.
    My talents and achievements were not being considered as a part of my identity just things I do sometimes. What I have that no-one else does or what I do like smiling and caring to understand other people, to be sensitive. Why can't that also be part of my identity? And I decided to call that part Successful identity.  
    This has taken much thought and introspection and then thinking when I will do something "I want this to be part of my identity". It took a long time for me to clarify what I am and it's still trial and error. But it is a process. 
  14. elisand
    People always hurt me. I always have felt everyone is against me. I mean if they hurt me I can't think of them as friends. And so I blocked them out. Truthfully it's very hard to be getting attacked every second.
    I realized that sometimes the person who hurt me isn't malicious.
    They might not despise me and hate me. they didn't hurt me because they don't respect me, just that they are regular thoughtless hurtful people. When they hurt me should I end any relationship?
                                       Maybe I could work through it with them. Tell them how they hurt me. I know how tough it is, especially when the other person doesn't know I was abused. And I can't tell them because I don't trust them to be sensitive. 
  15. elisand
    Lots of times I get hurt from even small slights, like even if someone made a joke that casts me in a negative way. Then people say 'don't be so sensitive'. And even like if someone closes a door I feel like they thought I was listening in. Then I feel guilty and depression and anxiety. These things happen countless times a day. When I talk to someone I read their body language that they are bored or that I said the wrong thing.
    My therapist said that if you wear glasses that are tinted red then everything will look red. Maybe because I think of myself as worthless and  dirty I interpret others' actions accordingly. 
    Lets try to change the tint. maybe to blue. And think of myself a bit better and see if the interpretations change!
  16. elisand
    Though I've created a fair day for myself, going home is always so difficult. So we wanted to talk about why.
    they expect me to help. but i clean my own appt., so why is it harder there? Because i know how i want it to be so i have freedom of how to do it. Also when i'm doing it for mom i feel like i'm trying to please her. And she's the one who decides if i did a good job. Then i'll feel so dumb.
    Also when i was very young the abuser forced me to serve him.
    so we discovered some very important things. I feel less in control when i clean up there. It triggers anxiety and all the other feelings of servitude I felt before. So even  though now i try to give myself power, working for mom puts me back into the previous way of feeling.
    Is it an  option to just not work? yes, but there will be unpleasant reactions. 
    do i care?
    Is it possible to find a way to help while still retaining control?
    let's try!
  17. elisand
    I find it hard to look at all people in the face. Why? maybe cuz I feel so ashamed. maybe cuz I am so afraid of what people think about what i say and do. can i look at them? I'm scared. What could happen? They will see who I am. What am I? a dirty worthless rag who always acts awkward. Can't they see what I did today. And I'm so much worse than them, my body doesn't cooperate. 
    Well, I learned something new:  people only see the part of me that they are interacting with. The bus-driver only sees the part of me that is what I am showing which is that I'm getting on the bus and paying. Even if I pay weirdly, that's the only part he saw. He didn't see that I was abused and that I have no friends and all the anxiety and loathing i have in regard to myself. 
    Will this tool change my ability to not be as embarrassed when I mess up?  Let me know what happens for you.
    I do speak about tools I learn in therapy. This will be helpful I hope but I don't expect that it can take the place of personal therapy. But it might serve as an example and help us bring the tools we learn into our lives.
  18. elisand
    I think the structure will be writing a tool
    how i tried it
    what happened 
    and work with it for a week and see how i feel about the process
    of course i welcome comments and tips about everything!
  19. elisand
    It's so important for us to bring tools we learn in therapy into our life.
    often we don't feel things are changing or getting better.
    When we use the tools we talk about in therapy we become stronger. 
    Of course it takes practice
    if we notice our progress we can feel we are moving toward a better life.
    Ultimately we are trying to hopefully achieve a better present and a future. 
    I hope this blog will help us see more how to integrate what we learn into daily life.
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