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amallison0084

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Blog Entries posted by amallison0084

  1. amallison0084

    new
    Well i know its been since last year since i wrote so much has happened. since my brothers suicide i couldnt handle it any more and came really close to the edge of SH and so i went into inpatient to get some help to deal with the feeling surrounding it and also got my meds regulated at the same time. i am in no means "better". im searching for the light right now. im searching for hope. i try to see the good in things but right now even though i did go inpatient i still hurt. i hurt because he left me that is why im searching for hope. he was my hope my light at the end of the tunnel. my heart breaks each and every day but also heals a little bit each and everyday. i dont have time to write much more right now but will write soon. but will keep holding on.
  2. amallison0084

    new
    Well, yesterday  was my first Thanksgiving without my brother. As ive written he took his life a couple of months ago. so thus leaving this my first holiday without him. we went through csa together so pretty much everything in my mind and logic should be a peace of cake after that. Boy was i way off track and wrong. i thought i would be able to handle it with style and grace. after all i had his ashes so in a way he was there in "presence". also along that line he was there in spirit that should have been enough for me or anyone i guess. well it wasnt for me. i was so used to even if we werent "together" on the holidays we would call eachother." happy thankgiving bro, wishing you where here. love you miss you im so grateful to have you" a few simple words i know. but those words mean everything now. they are words that i dont get to say anymore to the person on the other end on the line because he isnt there. no one is
    my heart is breaking it is shattered. i feel like ive been hit by a sack of bricks and i cant stop crying. i cant seem to find comfort. everyone is telling me remember the good times and things. well i am. even the good memories hurt right now. the one thing i hate to do is cry and that is all i am doing is crying. its like its a flood of tears. im so tired but cant sleep. i wonder if he is looking down on me. i wonder if he knows how bad im hurting right now. how much i miss him. how much i love him.
    i feel so alone and cant seem to find comfort nor support any where so thought maybe writing may help who knows maybe someone will have words of encouragement. 
  3. amallison0084

    new
    Well, I've been trying to think of how to write this entry and even more on what to title it, still not sure the title is correct, but I am trying. Since, my brother, who i when through child sexual abuse, physical mental and emotional abuse with took his life the nightmares have come back. they seem to be of the abuse that we went through together. they went away for so long. i dont understand why they have come back now. i have been dealing with the abuse in therapy, well until now because of the stop in progress due to the suicide. i havent self harmed in over a year, i now use a rubber band when i want to self harm and it helps and has kept me from doing things that can lead to permament damage. anyways, since all this has happened, i have had thoughts and urges to go back to doing worse, i havent, but the thoughts and urges ARE there. i have told my therapist this and we are making a plan on what to do when things get bad. i called the crisis line through the agency i go through for the  place i go to get my meds and case management, my therapist is no longer there. anyways, their brillant idea for me to not hurt myself was to suck on sour candy.. really i understand that it "might" be a distraction but it does nothing for the urge or to manage the need for that pain.
    tomorrow is thanksgiving. it is the first holiday without my brother. i dont know how to handle it. i havent figured out how to make peace with his suicide. i havent figured out how to deal with the loss of him. i have his ashes so i guess in a way he will be there for it but its not really the same is it? sounds cheesy now that i read that but oh well, it was my chain of thought. i wish he was here, i need him so much. i dont understand it at all. i dont know how to continue with out him. My daughter is heart broken as well. we always imagined thanksgiving or any holiday with him again would be the best thing and best time. that is just a dream now. for me until i got his ashes it was just like we were out of touch and that he was still here that he would be coming back. once i got his ashes it became final. he is gone, there is no chance of him coming back.
    as far as therapy goes, we are not really getting into things too heavy because of the holidays. we are dealing with them as they come up. i told her that this holiday season was going to be hard because i was going to be alone and really needed extra support just wasnt sure how or where to turn. i am leaning on my support system but they are also busy because it is the holidays, which is perfectly understandable. its hard to be alone, makes things harder and makes things more depressing. i told my therapist i am trying to break the chains, but the chains are tightening.
    thats its for this entry sorry if it makes no sense like i said im doing this like its a journal entry thats what my therapist told me to write a blog like so hopefully fingers crossed she was right.
  4. amallison0084

    new
    I am not new to this community. I have tried to do a blog before but failed at it. Recent events have brought me back here and I feel that it is important for me to do this. My therapist said a blog is kind of like a journal entry and you can write whatever, so I think I will share the recent events that have brought me to do the blog and a bit about my background.
    At the age of 4 I began to be sexually abused along with my brother by our babysitter, mother and her many boyfriends. Growing up in foster care from the age 6-10 some of the abuse continued for me and at times with him as well. At times it was forced on us together at others I went through it alone. At the age of  10 I was adopted by my aunt and uncle but my uncle also assulted me. I was put back in foster care at the age of 12 after suffering a miscarrage, due to my uncle. At 15 I was r***ed and got pregnant with my eldest daughter and had her just after i turned 16. Sadly when she was four she was in a car accident by a drunk driver and passed away. A year later i had my youngest daughter and child that was also the result of a r*** by my best friends husband and my ex-wife. i have been sexually assulted a couple times since then. the most recent was 6 months ago. i am in the court process again and am personally tired of doing and going through it.
    i have been seeing a therapist for the past two years and working on the csa and recent assults ive been through. We have just actually now gotten to the point of being able to do a trauma line and start working on that csa. Recently my brother that i suffered the csa with and through took his life. leaving me behind saying that it was too much for him to handle and that he wasnt strong enough to deal with the pain and memories anymore and hoped i was able to. So, because of this our work has been put on hold so to speak trying to deal with his passing and work through the grief and the guilt that is going along with it. I say guilt because i have been working on it and fought so hard to do so and break the cycle of abuse with my daughter. I hope that i can do justice through therapy and that i am strong enough to get through it.
    I have seen and been through a lot of abuse in my life sexual,mental, emotional, and physical. it has made me who i am both the good and the bad. I am hoping by sharing my story and my thoughts i will be able to give strength to others and maybe find some strength for myself that i need so desperately right now.
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