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beyondbelief

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  1. Hi everyone, I'm new here (obviously!). I've been reading the board for a couple of days now but haven't been able to post. I'm still kind of "blocked" and can't say that much but I do want to say that this board has already made a huge difference to me. Finally there are people out there going through the same things as me and I don't seem so .... "wrong"... now. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, my very basic story is I'm 25 and from Australia. I was sexually abused when I was a young kid, physically abused when I was a bit older, and sexually assaulted when I was a teenager. I've never had any sexual desires, which Im guessing is probably due to being "done" when I was so young... but I'm no expert so I don't know. I've had severe major depression for the past 4 years, and I had a less severe depression for about 6 years before that. I am also a self-injurer. I have had problems with eating disorders... Pretty much gone the full circle there. I started off a bit overweight, then became anorexic, then bullemic... now I'm more into the whole over-eating thing and am obese I do it to numb my feelings, and because really food is the only thing that is ALWAYS there... I feel safe when I eat. But then after I've eaten I feel soooo guilty and don't want to leave the house Also, I can never ever eat in front of anyone. All sexual things in the media... tv shows, music videos, jokes etc make me very uncomfortable. Naked men scare me. Actually, the very thought that a man CAN be naked freaks me out. I don't trust people... But I struggle to make myself because I WANT someone who I can trust. I don't believe anyone can truly love me... And I keep making myself even more unlovable every day. If someone gives me a compliment I assume there's something wrong with me... Yesterday someone said they like my haircut... So I went home and asked my mum "whats wrong with my hair?". One of the hardest experiences in my life has been something really trivial to most people... I did a first aid course and it was a VERY hot summer day... about 45 degrees celsius and there was no airconditioning... Obviously you have to touch people in a 1st aid course and also BE touched... By sweaty men I forced my way through everything (with a big jacket and long pants on) but one of the last things we had to do was let someone blindfold you and lead you around. I couldnt do that. I passed the course but I still havent recovered from it and that was 6 months ago... Anyway, that's the basics. Ive never written so much about this. I'm glad I found this place.
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