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Everything posted by Tigerswallowtail

  1. The Door I'm standing before a door. I am so tired. My heart is breaking, the grief chokes me. I feel as if I am drowning. The door stands between me and the healing I so long for. I know I must go thru it and face what is on the other side if I ever want to be whole again. I have kept this door shut, hidden away, locked up. I reach out and one by one begin to remove the locks. My hand grasps the knob and then, I stop. I know that on the other side is a little girl. Once the door is open, I will have to face her. I don't know if I can bear to look into her eyes. Eyes that are haunted by fear, shame, pain and confusion. No one knows what is happening to her and fear keeps her silent. But wait, she isn't truly alone and there is One who sees her suffering in silence. He feels her pain and her shame. And He is here with me now, holding me close as I begin to turn the knob. Together we push the door open and the little girl looks up. Our hands reach out and grasps hers. Hand in hand the three of us step onto the path, the beginning of a long journey. The way ahead looks dark and foreboding. At times the tears will flow, but they will be tears of healing and release. The little girl and I exchange a look and I nod. We are ready to see where this journey will take us. We can face our fears, knowing that nothing can separate us from the love of the One Who is walking this path with us. When we stumble and fall, He will pick us up. When we grow weary, He will strengthen us. We move forward, knowing there is nothing too big for Him to handle. With His help we will make it to the end, where there will be no more pain and no more tears.
  2. Any journey must start somewhere and here is the beginning of my journey of writing a blog. I've never done this before, so bear with me. I plan to use this as a journal in which I can freely express the feelings and struggles, and victories that I face day to day. My T told me the other day that I'm in the chrysalis stage and soon will emerge a new girl. There have been so many changes in my life lately, so many more that are needed. Some days the pain is so heavy and the tears won't stop. Other days are sunny and my life is full of blessings. Sometimes it takes all the strength I can gather just to get up out of bed and keep going. And yet, I do keep going and look for challenges to conquer, new things to learn. So, just a little bit about me as an introduction. I am a CSA survivor who just started going to counseling a little over a year ago. I struggled with why now? I've made it through life for 35 years since it happened. Why am I struggling so much now? Regardless of the answer, I am choosing to get help NOW. Someone shared a quote by C.S. Lewis that has been a good reminder to me: "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending." I'm facing a lot of changes presently: looking for a new job, trying to get financially independent so that I can live on my own, learning to set boundaries, learning to do self-care, etc. The path I am walking has so many twists and turns that I can't see ahead and have to trust that it will lead me to a good place. I play the piano, harp and mountain dulcimer. Music is such a help, but so often I've been too busy to play. I want to change that and make music a priority once again. I also have a mandolin that I am hoping to learn how to play soon. I am a Christian and my faith has helped me through some of my darkest days. But I will be honest and admit that lately I've been asking God, "Why?" in regards to my past. I don't have all the answers and I may never understand the "why". There will be times when I may refer to God or the Bible, because both are such a major part of who I am. I want this blog to give a complete picture of my life, the good and the bad. So now I will continue on this journey looking forward to the dawn of a new day.
  3. I should have included in my first post why I chose the name Tigerswallowtail. My T recently told me that it's like I'm in a chrysalis that I am about ready to emerge a new girl with all the changes that I've been making. I love butterflies and the Tiger Swallowtail is one of my favorites. The thought that I'm in the process of turning all the ugly in my life into something beautiful gives me hope. I will have to say that the metamorphosis is rather painful at times, but I'm determined to not give up and to hang in there.
  4. Hi @silentg, Thank you for the welcome and encouragement!
  5. Hi, Strugling88, thank you for the welcome!
  6. Thank you MeBeMary. I am glad to be able to say that since seeing my T, my mom & I have had many conversations where I've really been able to open up to her. It hasn't been easy for her as she struggles with feeling like she should have picked up on what was happening, but she honestly had know idea what was going on in her own home. I don't blame her at all. My abuser was an older foster brother. My dad was unknowing involved in some of what happened. Again, he didn't know and he died about a year later. One of my deepest pains and regret is the fact that I never told my dad what happened and now it is too late. It is so hard to find closure in regards to how he handled some things.
  7. Hi Flori! I'm new here too, but I just wanted to let you know that I also struggled with the "me too" posts. First, like you, I didn't want to be so public with my story. Perhaps someday in the future there will be a platform that I'd be comfortable sharing on, but this didn't feel like the right place for me. Secondly I also struggled with the lumping together of abuse and harassment. I've had both. Because of my past abuse just a mild form of harassment can be a trigger for me. But it was through this movement that I found out that a relative of mine also went through abuse. I had no idea. So while I can see some good in that others are finding their voice through this, I also know that it isn't for everyone (me included). I do hope that you can find support here at AS and a safe place to use your voice. Tigerswallotail
  8. Hi, I'm not sure how to start here... I was sexually abused as a child and kept silent for many years. I did eventually tell my mom, but still didn't talk about it much. Basically I just tried to forget and move on with life. But I couldn't forget. I've been going to counseling for over a year now and am trying to be more open to others about my past. For so long I struggled (still do) with guilt and shame, even though I know it was in no way my fault. I'm hoping that by joining this group that I will find my voice even if it is just through writing.
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