nailimixam

I had a very bizarre dream in which I was in a zoo, and somehow I came into the cage of lions, I think I was chasing someone or being chased, and the lion was attacking. And somehow I remember thinking: "Well, it doesn't matter if he eats me, I will survive. This isn't real. In reality I'll live on, so come you lion, eat your fill". And first he ate my head and then my upper body so just my lower body was left. But somehow in the dream I still existed ...as legs, because I knew, in the dream, it was an illusion.

I can relate to so many topics here. And I really want to reach out. To the people I relate to. Let them know they're not alone and that I feel this way too. That we can help each other. 
But most of the times it feels so difficult to read through. To answer. It means having to put myelf out there. It means rebelling. It is so hard. I'm not there yet but I really want to be. 
This is an amazing community. I am still getting to grips with the fact that I belong here.

Help. It's all too much. Aaaahhhhhh.

It just feels so hopeless.

Every time I get closer to being "me", and actually have a great "normal" day, "IT" just retaliates and I end in self-sabotage and self destructive behaviour.

The better it seems to be, the stronger "It" retaliates.

😟

right now it feels even more impossible to start anew and really MAKE something than ever
I used to have no skills but a shot tin of spirit. Now I have skill (?) But absolutely no spirit.
I`m afraid to live. Today I went outside. A short walk. Just following my instincts walk around and just go where I felt.
It felt like every step was me pushing against someone standing right in front of me pushing back. 

I am scared to live.

And at this point I don`t know if I`ll ever to make that step and stay there. My family never did.

None of this is real. This is ll so false and wrong. My life was robbed from me. Long, long long ago. That's the only thing that's real. 
Everything else is a clone. When I laughd I just lied crying. Whatever I've done, is a stranger. It' not me. I was left, taken, robbed, long long ago. 
Whtever his shell is calling life isn't that. 

I'm just feeling overwhelmed with everything right now! 
All anxiety is back. It's like healthy me vanished and broken me is back. 
Maybe it's a sign I'm doing the right thing....challenging old systems...

Maybe it's time (again) to acknowledge to myself that I need a break. That I am suffering. Maybe the mask is falling, maybe he is getting ready to come out and let me be there for him. I love him so much and I want to lift his sorrow and banish his horrors. 
This is currently getting me through:

I never realised how badly I wanted to talk about all this. About all experiences, suspicions, dreams, memories, images, issues, struggles. I am glad to be here!