It just feels so hopeless.
Every time I get closer to being "me", and actually have a great "normal" day, "IT" just retaliates and I end in self-sabotage and self destructive behaviour.
The better it seems to be, the stronger "It" retaliates.
right now it feels even more impossible to start anew and really MAKE something than ever
I used to have no skills but a shot tin of spirit. Now I have skill (?) But absolutely no spirit.
I`m afraid to live. Today I went outside. A short walk. Just following my instincts walk around and just go where I felt.
It felt like every step was me pushing against someone standing right in front of me pushing back.
I am scared to live.
And at this point I don`t know if I`ll ever to make that step and stay there. My family never did.
None of this is real. This is ll so false and wrong. My life was robbed from me. Long, long long ago. That's the only thing that's real.
Everything else is a clone. When I laughd I just lied crying. Whatever I've done, is a stranger. It' not me. I was left, taken, robbed, long long ago.
Whtever his shell is calling life isn't that.
I'm just feeling overwhelmed with everything right now!
All anxiety is back. It's like healthy me vanished and broken me is back.
Maybe it's a sign I'm doing the right thing....challenging old systems...
Maybe it's time (again) to acknowledge to myself that I need a break. That I am suffering. Maybe the mask is falling, maybe he is getting ready to come out and let me be there for him. I love him so much and I want to lift his sorrow and banish his horrors.
This is currently getting me through:
I never realised how badly I wanted to talk about all this. About all experiences, suspicions, dreams, memories, images, issues, struggles. I am glad to be here!
nailimixam posted a topic in Public: Welcome!Hello everyone here, I am really glad that I have found this. I am currently at the point where I am faced with the question, the feeling and the suspicion that something might have happened to me as a child. IF something might have happened to me as a child. All I have is a big lack of memory and certain experiences, feelings, mind-images, dreams and possibly even behaviours that have been and could be suggestive of such a thing having happened to me. And this is what brings me here. After using the last year of working through things, realising that I grew up in an emotionally abusive family constellation (though the emotional abuse was involuntary), working through it and re-discovering parts of myself, and regaining memories there is still something that feels like a pit in me, that is inaccessible and keeps the rest of the 'full me' and my memories away. And, I just know in order to become fully and wholly me I need and want to open this and access it. Because I know however big the horror what waits is beyond reward. I hope to speak to many of you, can listen to you, find out about your experiences maybe get pointed in right directions and I hope I even can offer support from my side. I am always happy to listen. And lastly, just because it has a huge impact on me and I find it to ring true to many fighting, no matter with what kind of issues and horrors, I'd like to share a song. Our hearts are all golden, we just forget it from time to time!