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Tree1

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    27
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    Female

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  • MembershipType
    Survivor
  1. 19

    I'm too trusting. I started seeing this really cute guy and this morning I went over to watch movies. At first that's all it was. We cuddled and watched a scary movie but then he started kissing me. A little too rough but every time I told him to slow down and be gentle he ignored me. I let him keep kissing me but then he took my clothes off with out my permission. Only my shirt and bra because I hit him when he kept trying to take my pants off. Unfortunately he had picked me up so when I asked to go home he said no. For two hours that was how it was id let him do whatever but when I didn't want to I said no let me get dressed, take me him. Every time he said no and kept going until he was tired of keeping me held down. My friends told me to be careful around him and I ignored them and got hurt.
  2. 18

    Someone tried calling bullshit on me and I really don't like being called a liar. I reported him to his work place and was assured he will never hurt anyone again but I think that's kinda bullshit there... And if anyone is interested in the ultrasound message me privately. Not gonna lie when I saw it for the first time I was tempted to keep the little tyke but I am really not ready for a kid. In practically still a kid in the way that I look like one .-.
  3. 17

    I think the real reason I'm so angry is because, he raped me too. When we had just started our relationship he used to "experiment" with my body while I slept. He told me he was curious to see my reactions. He wanted to know what turned me on even when I didn't want to be. And like an idiot I brushed it off. But the few times I woke up in those first few seconds, where all I saw was pitch black and felt hands on my body, I could have sworn I was 8 years old back in that musty basement. Helpless. I feel like I deserve more. He doesn't get to treat me so terribly. Its bad but I want him to suffer. Seeing him now makes me physically sick. How ironic to have a rapist named angel is something I used to think. Now I have 2.
  4. 16

    So I know I have been gone for a while. Lets catch up. Its 130 know my ex boyfriend lied to me, used me, cheated on me and got angry when I lost my shit. Then again wow did I lose my shit. Oh yea also 3 months pregnant with his baby because he just couldn't stay away. The reality is He's also a rapist. Yea I'm fucked. THANKS ANGEL. No I haven't had unprotected sex with anyone else. And I regret helping him. No I'm not keeping it. Unless its twins.
  5. 15

    I was almost raped again three nights ago. I went to a nearby park to take a walk and clear my head. However someone noticed I was alone and when I unlocked my car they got in with me. Fortunately for me the immediately tried to put their penis in my face where I promptly lost my patience and bit it. I think the only reason I haven't freaked out more about it is because an ex of mine came over and comforted me. And I was ok with that I missed being friends with them. And a body that I had practically memorized gave me so much comfort when I was so close to the edge of giving up.
  6. 14

    I deserved everything Its obliterating when you run into your rapists multiple times a day. I'm not strong enough to not feel ashamed. To not get scared and avoid eye contact. To not have anyone tell me I'm worthy of being loved. That I'm not used trash. I'm not a white or a sl*t who doesn't know how to keep her legs closed. I'm not nasty or a disease. To have someone be there for me. Its all I've ever wanted.
  7. 13

    I'm sorry. I'm impatient Full of jealousy Clingy Lazy Living my life in my past Bottling my pain Untrusting Full of love Possessive Messy Tired Weak Fat Pushy Annoying Ask for too much attention Not ready to let go
  8. 12

    I've been reliving them in my dreams.. I woke up and I'm so scared I can't move..Then the pain starts.I'm so sore it like I went to the gym the night before. And so many common things from my life remind me of it all the time. In not sure how much longer I can live like this
  9. 11

    Today he blamed me. He touched me. And I felt so helpless. I wanted to call out for anyone but I knew they wouldnt come. They were busy doing their own things. Living their own lives. I feel so alone. I don't want to live anymore
  10. 10

    Today I was reminded of the third boy to rape me. This one felt too real. It was almost like I was there again. I could feel his hands pushing my face into the dirt and his knees on my chest. This one I feel is almost my fault. I had a chance to scream for help but I stayed quiet. The only satisfaction I got then was the ants bit his di*k.. But that still didn't stop him. I even told him I had been raped before and when he asked if I thought he was raping me I stayed quiet again, then again my dogs understand the word no and stop so there really is no justification for raping someone. I really did say no and I said stop, please get off me. Please give me my phone. Get off me. It hurts. After that I just went limp. Eventually he noticed I blanked out. But that didn't stop him from finishing.. I don't think ill ever be able to go to a park without thinking about what he did to me. Sometimes I can still see the hand mark on my arm. Like a fading scar.
  11. 9

    Yea I'm pretty much ready to give up on life. I broke down and cried in a laundromat.. Maybe its all the Spanish but I'm so tired of working. I just wanna lay in bed and cry all day. It feels like everything I do is wrong. Even with my boyfriend. Its barely been a week and i feel like I'm too clingy or that I bother him too much. I guess that's normal but he reads this too and I feel like its too much for him to deal with so new into the rrelationship. We've known each other almost 5 years we just didnt talk very much the first 3... I don't want to look fragile and broken but that's all I feel.
  12. 8

    I can still feel the pain from all the abuse I suffered through. Sometimes it hurts to sit down or just to breath. I've stopped relying on painkillers and insomniacs to get through the days and nights so a little progress there. It just hurts so much. I never told my mom that *greg1* had anal sex with me. There was so much blood that night... I could barely get up the next morning but *greg1* sent me to school so my mom wouldn't get a phone call. Only 2 of my friends know this happened to me because they witnessed the pain I felt first hand. I dont think ill ever forget the helplessness I saw on their faces. How do you help someone who hurts on the inside?
  13. 7

    Ive started dating my best friend *greg2* and I'm pretty sure I am completely and utterly in love with this man. There is no way that these 2 men are alike. He makes me feel beautiful everyday. Now onto what this blog is for. I came to realize I might have to change the title to 128, because I remembered a time where my ex forced himself onto me because he was angry that I didn't want a polyamours relationship and considered him to be cheating on me. I never said anything because I thought that's what ppl did in relationships. I used to be so dumb. But sex without consent is still rape even if that person is your significant other.
  14. 6

    I shared my story with 47 ppl so far.. All of whom I went to school with. I hate how most of them pitied me. Yea some also said I'm brave and strong but that such a generic and hidden way to say thank god it wasnt me. I want to make an actual difference. There was actually someone who shared their story with me. I felt so honored, its so hard to admit someone hurt you. But I have for sure taken a good step forward. I got a new job where I must speak only Spanish. I stutter a lot but they can understand me. And now I think I may start dating again. Ive only dated a few ppl in my life (enough to count on one hand) with my last relationship ending very badly. Honestly I probably shouldn't have even been in that relationship now that I can look back at it I wasn't ready for that level of commitment. I gave him my willingness virginity. It was the first time i ever gave consent. I know now I was too impulsive. I care too much what people think about me. That's also something I want to heal about myself. I still feel like crying when I tell someone no, I'm not sure if its because I think they'll hit me or because I taste their disappointment.
  15. Questions

    I think I've already said so but I want to become a sort of motivational speaker. Except I want to share my story to everyone. Especially schools. If anyone has any information about how I can do this please comment or message me.
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