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Everything posted by PearlofMary

  1. This is isn't easy.  Ever.  But the truth is, I'm able to help because of this.  There's no permanent, irrefutable peace involved in any of it.  My family suffered for decades because of it.  I still harbor grief in that alone, yet when a woman who's lost her children to foster care steps into my life, i know I can help her.  When a woman who experienced an iota of what I have comes through, it's that too.  God has a plan for each of us.  Reminding myself often that THIS IS NOT MY HOME...is the best remedy next to the truth of the GOd in heaven who exists in my heart.  jesus experienced extreme torture...and THEN died on the cross which was extreme cross torture for he basically suffocated.  Yet, after He rose again, He took charge.  Praise God.  He sits at the right hand of God and He will come again to judge the living and the dead.  I PRAY for the perps that destroyed me and my family.  That's all i can do.  I pray for the city "judges' who gossip about me and tried in their own way to destroy me.  And i cry for the loss of my precious family both as a child and as an adult.  I claim the victory of this...My children are Born again Christians who KNOW Jesus loves them.  While we don't have the greatest love relationship, we have a relationship and talk together at times.  They don't understand the events of the past.  but that's ok for me.  I just want you to know, I love you...for who you are.  You're not alone...and that, while I have difficulty counseling to this, I pray for you.  And most of all, I pray you come to know Jesus as your savior.  We'll all leave this earth someday.  Perhaps soon.  If this is my only opportunity to introduce you to God....let this be an opportunity.  Jesus is real.  God is LOVE.  Period.  He does not PUT these heinous crimes on us.  It is the work of Satan.  The worst deception of Satan is to blame God...and further separate our LOrd from his dear children.   Satan now tries to erase God from our hearts and destroy our minds.  Live knowing God loves you.  LIve Victoriously.  You can, every time you reach out to help another victim of this horrible crime.  Victory isn't a cheerleaders tune.  Sometimes it's fierce and angry...and it fights for the right to be heard.  Many times it is.  Sometimes its silent and gentle and holds a hand.  Victory is love to another who knows the suffering and leading the way for them.  Blessings. -POM

  2. @Lonelygirl13 I'm sorry it's a rough storm, but like all the storms of life, it has highs and lows...and even stops sometimes. You don't have to be alone. I'm sorry it's so hard. Use your supports as much as you can and as often as you need. This pain is horrific and it doesn't seem to get easier, but it will. If you have faith, turn to it. It makes it so much better. I took well over 40 years just to accept it and to understand, even as I had a patented excuse, my behavior still had to change. I fought and drank my way through and nearly destroyed myself. 🌺 I couldn't find a rose, but I find a flower. Rise above this. You didn't deserve it and you owe it to yourself to get free. Blessings, friend - POM
  3. PearlofMary


    @jessica329 Thank you for sharing that. Blessings. -POM
  4. PearlofMary


    I'm doing ok but still... I want to know I'm not alone. I want to know this isn't just my problem...though I hate it belongs to anyone. I want to know peace and hope so well. I'm uncomfortable with peace and hope. I love the life I have. It's hard but still, I am stronger for it...and I am a better warrior. Still. -POM
  5. Welcome @Navias85 I like your acronym too, or acrostic. It's a beautiful statement that leads to recovery. I'm sorry for the trauma and wish it weren't. You are strong and courageous. You will see just how strong someday. You've found a good place to come. -POM Forgive the pearls...can't get them out of there


    Matthew 13:44-46 ~  Again, the kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man, seeking goodly pearls: Who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had, and bought it.

    It is estimated that out of three tons of pearl oysters, only about three of them will have a perfectly-formed pearl. Given everything that is required in order for a pearl to develop, it’s not surprising that so few are produced. An oyster’s shell is made from an organ called the mantle. Using minerals from the oyster’s food as an energy source, the mantle expands, which leads to the shell’s growth. The interior of the shell is lined with a material called nacre, which is also produced by the mantle. In order for a pearl to develop, an irritant–typically a parasite of some sort–must situate itself between the oyster’s shell and mantle. When this particle sets in, it irritates the oyster and, in an effort to protect itself, the mantle begins to cover the foreign object with layers of nacre. As time passes, these layers eventually form a pearl. Typically, this takes about three to five years. (This according to ehow.com)

    Is it any wonder real pearls are so costly! A jewel in the house of the Lord is much the same.  Out of the congregation of the Lord it is said that only 10% are doing the actual work of the ministry, for which I tend to agree from my travels. They are rare and priceless. It is not to say that many others are not beautiful people making great contribution, but the pearls are those hand selected by God out of an ocean of possibilities.

    They’ve gotten there through great irritation!

    Be successful in leadership and you’ll understand completely how that pearl gets formed. Every struggle in the ministry, attack of Satan, complaint from the people, personal struggle, sickness and distraction is an irritant that has to be covered. There’s work to be done. So sometimes you wear a “slimy” smile that feels icky but it covers up the pain in your core. And before long that problem is smoothed over and you can rest a while until another issue arises and another layer of kindness or understanding is needed to get through. And much like that iridescent shine created on the pearl as layer after layer of nacre are made, a successful leader begins to shine too.

    Successful leaders are not people who have their world completely in hand and under control. Oh contraire! Many, if not most that I know, are exactly the opposite. They have the same issues as everyone else if not worse but they choose to put them aside for the greater cause; which is the people of God and service to the Lord.

    They’ve gotten there through many intervals

    True leadership is not appointed by position, it’s positioned by appointment. It takes experience to be a leader, and most of those experiences have been a divine appointment from the Creator to train His leaders. Often times because of the politics of the day people are appointed into positions they are not qualified to have, and it inevitably wreaks havoc on an organization.  It takes time to become a great leader.

    They’re not imitations

    Man can create a pearl that looks almost as lovely as the real deal, but the real pearls are rare, priceless, heavily sought and have gotten to that point by years of heartache and struggle. Successful leaders are those who use the irritants of life as a polish their personalities. They identify with understand the struggles of those they lead because they’ve been there. Just as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ does.

    Are you a pearl of great price? Perhaps you’re still in the formation stage. Use those irritants of life to polish yourself into a leader that can be used for the Kingdom’s glory. Amen!

  7. PearlofMary


    I just read an article about bullying/intimidation. There is no worse intimidation than "r". Overcoming what happened, while not easy, may not be the hardest thing to take to task. Overcoming hatred from others for their indifference. Have you ever experienced an attitude of "I'm better than you?" when you've shared. Or have you been told, "that's a lie?" or "If that happened, why did you live promiscuously?" However, this article talked on a biblical way to deal with intimidation. It comes from The Sermon on the Mount...the most incredible sermon. I'm sharing it. I"m reaching out to a bully at work who's being 'bullied' at work by others. It's putting me in a spotlight I don't like and jeopardizing my job. I'm already a "nobody" on the floor..I can't go lower in this place. But, God is with me and I KNOW this. If loving another person enough to offer correction and encourage them to change...if that's enough, if I can do that, it may work out...and it may not. Pray for me. I need courage to face the demons. Love _POM 5 And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him: 2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying, 3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. 5 Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. 6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. 7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. 8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. 9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. 10 Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. 11 Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. 12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you. 13 Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. 14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. 15 Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. 16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. 17 Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil. 18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled. 19 Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven. 21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: 22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. 23 Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; 24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift. 25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. 26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing. 27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: 28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. 29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 30 And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. 31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. 33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths: 34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne: 35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King. 36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black. 37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: 39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. 40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. 41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. 42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. 43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. 6 Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven. 2 Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 3 But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: 4 That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly. 5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. 7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. 8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him. 9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. 10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. 11 Give us this day our daily bread. 12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. 13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen. 14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: 15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. 16 Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. 17 But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face; 18 That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly. 19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: 20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: 21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. 22 The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light. 23 But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! 24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. 25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment? 26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? 27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? 28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: 29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? 31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. 7 Judge not, that ye be not judged. 2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. 3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye? 5 Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye. 6 Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you. 7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: 8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. 9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? 10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? 11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him? 12 Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. 13 Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: 14 Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. 15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. 16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles? 17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. 19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. 20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. 21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity. 24 Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock: 25 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock. 26 And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: 27 And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it. 28 And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine: 29 For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.
  8. PearlofMary


    I've been struggling for some time with an issue....let's just say Chocolate...and I stopped going there for a time...a couple of weeks. Life was good. Suddenly, it's all about chocolate again, literally. I'm not ashamed or mad; just apathetic. Yet I reconsider or briefly Consider my behavior before I do it. tonight I read a note that made good sense. "Our actions won't change, until we change our minds". (Joyce Meyer, Battlefield of the Mind.) I came to the conclusion, I'm afraid of an attack - spiritual attack. Nearly as bad as a physical or verbal attack...it puts you on guard. I don't want to be courageous but what other action can save lives?
  9. PearlofMary


    Very unsettled today. I didn't take meds yesterday. It's a love/hate war with them. No reason. Not addicting. I don't like to be reliant on them. I want my peace to be my peace, not synthetic. I took it now and it'll be better soon. I'm so thankful now for this site. It seemed a little daunting at first...but the more the burden lifts, the more pain it seems to be. I need to be near you..people who understand. Others try...but dont. I"m called Manic by people who don't know me as well as they think, a liar by family...people who should know better and stupid by the users in my life...the ones with sugar daddies and they want me to be their sugar friend. ughh...makes me sick. ..the waste I've gone through. In an effort to show them one thing...God. They claim faith but they do not know the Father. I'm done with that. I'm done, done, done with that. SHould I forget that it's here in my archives. Love -POM
  10. Welcome back! I did the same. I came a long time ago. I didn't even remember the name. I returned now and it's getting easier and brighter all the time. Good people with a great deal of encouragement...compassion, experience. You're not alone. -POM
  11. Welcome @awake123! It's good to be here. take your time to look around. You are not alone. Nor do you ever have to feel that...there are wonderful people here. I'm sorry for the sorrow and struggles you've been through. Always I'm open to listen. I hope to see you here a lot. -POM
  12. WElcome @TeaLove! You have courage to make strides in recovery...this is another step. My two charges are now married with children. I'm a grandma of 4 now. It was a long haul. I dealt with amnesia, schizoaffective disorder and multiple hospitalizations...along with a family situation with siblings. Tonight i had a long talk with my sister and opened a wound...not a big one, but we cleared the air a little. It's progress...I hope you find everything you need to help you on the journey and I pray I can be a part of that. -POM
  13. @tgdouglas11 I'm very proud of you. I know, who am I? But I am proud of you for fighting so hard. I've come close a few times...always slipping back. But it's progress, not perfection. PTSD is a complicated battle with many set backs. Trust in your faith system and developing a support group are two vital needs. I'm still unsure of this site and if any advice is not good. I want to help. It's the only thing that keeps me sane. Please forgive me if I err. - POM
  14. In my heart and thoughts....You're not alone...never alone. - POM
  15. PearlofMary


    BAM!!! SLamming a door, banging a cupboard, beating a countertop....that's today.
  16. Welcome. You are not alone. Always know that... - POM
  17. PearlofMary


    Sometimes...I have clarity of mind. Almost three years ago, I was made an outcast in my town. I did not know why. I'm not saying I didn't do anything wrong. It was a cold day in October and it remained cold until about a week ago. My old friend came up and hugged me while a short time before, she, too, rejected me. I'm ok now. I'm stronger for it. I still don't know why but I may have a clue. To exemplify...because of the diagnosis of schizo=affective disorder and the torment of a voice I didin't understand, I shut out the world. No TV, no radio other than Christian, no secular books and no newspapers. If my name made the newspaper, I wouldn't know it. I reach out to the hurting souls...as much as I can...because I hurt. Misery loves to help misery survive another day. At least here. Today, I realized what may have triggered. it. I forgave a few young souls a crime. I did so in writing. I did the best I knew at the time. Would I again? Forgive them? I think so...but not publically. I don't know even if that's why. I'm not sure it was public. I feel ignorant. God is so close now. Yet so far.. I felt destitute and alone in the possibility of this consideration. It probably doesn't matter anymore. Those who hate me, will probably always hate me. Just as those who love me, may always love me. Somedays Ail I want is to be 'liked'. Even a little. That's the little 5 year old in me facing amnesia and rejection like no other. A few good friends is all one needs to survive this world...I suppose. One good friend is more than our share, I once read. I'm thankful I have Jesus in that capacity. I don't even want to share all the details. I want to push it away, put it down and move on. But, because of the amnesia, maybe an extension of the brain washing, I don't always understand completely the situation. Months even years later...I get it. Thank God, He's got all of it and knows not only my past, but also the future and He has the blueprint of my life. I live for eternity...but I have to do it one day at a time on earth. Sometimes that's the scariest thing I have to do. I found a hole in my car...possibly a bullet hole. I didn't look too close lest my suspicions be made reality. Clarity isn't always a good thing. I'm not scared, just surprised...and alert. My life is in Jesus...my hope is in the Lord. I'm thankful for this place...this space to write about it all. God bless! - POM
  18. PearlofMary


    Sometime life is painful. Add a rape ...add another...add alcohol...become a w**re...oh crud...life kinda stinks. No Ward & June life here. Add God...it gets better, but I came face to face with their choices vs. my choices. I made the mistakes, in spite of the "Why's" and the "who's and the "What fors"...I failed to read the bible and I suffered a little more...because Satan doesn't let it lie down and cry. He attacks "IT"...the sinful creature... Walk away and satan has to let go. So long as you walk to God. My pc erased a bit but the gist is still here. Too heavey on the key board...that stinks too. I think i know the "who' and i want so much to hate them. ah well, I pray for them, too. Bible study night...pray for me, if you know Jesus...or even if you only know OF Him. Love POM
  19. Welcome, Cmerlotts . You are not alone....whatever you need to heal, it's a beautiful group... -POM
  20. PearlofMary


    I've shared alot...not everything, here, as in other places. It still scares me. to think 'they're out there'. The family of peds...are out there and doing damage to me in here. I'm so paranoid they see and hear. I don't know who they are. I know they're creepy people. And worse, I may know them. And only because I don't know for sure, I am 'nice' to them. The daughter stared at me, not knowing I noticed and smirked. She's older than I am, but once upon a time, the playing field was leveled and, if her, she was forced as I to do unspeakable things...only she was brainwashed worse than me. Now she would be like her mother. Perhaps a set of evil things in her life too. I should say something, I can't. No one listens to me. No one cares. One person I trusted says, "Well, it's all in the past." But I know now, she doesn't believe or care. I shiver in spirit. God help me. -POM
  21. PearlofMary

    'The Tale'

    aperson - I can only relate to this well. 30 years of revolving door therapy and hospitalizations....there is a record of something that happened...no proof of the rape...except in my memory. One therapist stated that they have best to treat it as though it happened and figure it out as they go....paraphrased. Funny thing is; that therapist dogged me. For lack of a better word. I worked on a personal relationship with Jesus to help me sort things out. They were so confusing for me as well. Now I kind of understand....I'd hate to say I completely understand... I was 5, too, and still alone with all this. Doubted, hated, manipulated, destroyed ...that pretty well coins it. In need of a dear friend who understands...I"m crushed tonight. -POM God bless!
  22. PearlofMary


    Rare that I stay up to clean It seems like a woman thing. I didn't like women for years. Grandmas...ok. Children yes, but women, I didn't like them at all. Especially in make up. I don't know for sure why. I think it had something to do with the feel of it when I first tried to wear it. I hated the mask. Random thoughts of nothing...just calming by middle of the night cleaning frenzy to a quiet breath. Thanks for listening....soon I will interact. -POM
  23. PearlofMary


    I sometimes feel like chastising myself for the things I have done wrong....other times, I just want to celebrate the victories! Like today, I did mow the lawn...5th time on a rider all life long. It's scary for me....no 4 wheeler in the past, no tractor, no cycle...just me and this 'monster' lawn mower....on an uneven surface at times with waves of plain....I did it...and I got somewhere, it's not done...I stopped in the middle for a break and cried a bit, but I did it. And I went out again to do more. It sounds so wimpy...it is. But I still think a little like a 5 year old inside. Where the fear settled first... I took the challenge and I did it... my best, at least. I know when I return, I'll feel foolish and wonder how absolutely completely I humiliated myself by sharing. But it's courage for another day, for either me or someone else. I'm writing my first sermon...a life long dream. Soon to come to fruition. I maybe can't do some things, but this I can as long as the Holy Spirit leads...God bless - POM
  24. PearlofMary


    I want to journal the tough stuff in a safe place, a safe manner. My life has been manipulated, pushed, pulled ... fried in so many ways...because of their beliefs. Oh my, and Dear God ... help me, Lord When I first came here, it seemed so dark and painful...truth it still does...and I long to help at least one victim here recover....but I don't know how to do that myself. Today, I worked on negative thoughts for myself to change and not let the vile bitterness of unworthy friends...eat me alive. I have to. I have one thing to ask. Just Joy in the Lord...for what it's worth and a kind smile that says what I"ve done today meant something to someone. My work takes me a long way from home...I'm not even sure I don't pay to do the work...it's minimum wage and a lot of gas...but I"ve never been happier with the clients I work for. They are sufferers in need...and the greatest need is love. My friend often tells me get a better paying job...that suits me. This suits me...I NEED this. My fear is the financial bottom dropping out before my ship comes in. What ship? I laugh a little at that...the pinta... whew long wait for that one. God says it's coming and to trust in Him...so I will keep the faith and sing, "Jesus take the wheel" as often as I need. I will make this a positive journey for me...in due time, I will. In due time...
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