Single Status Update
May be Triggering - Need Support and possibly pocket riders
This has been a tough week; I get worse as Father's Day approaches.I was born on Father's Day; and my birthday is on Fathers Day this year. My stepmother's birthday was on June 26th. When my parents were alive we would celebrate together on one day. I miss them this time of year.
But I also have a bad feeling when I think about Father's Day or my birthday. No memories; I just feel apprehensive and scared. I don't know if he abused me; just because I have a bad feeling doesn't mean anything happened.
But it certainly feels like something happened. My body is reacting as if I'm having a flashback but there are no memories.
It feels like there are memories; but I'm trying really hard not to let them break free - I really don't want to remember anything else. But the feeling isn't going away. I know that I will feel better once I get through Sunday. I'm tired of struggling with this every year.
The obvious thing that comes to mind is that the abuse is a birthday or Father's Day gift; or maybe both. Is that too obvious? Am I taking the fear and uneasiness and letting my imagination run away from me? I don't want to get beyond the feelings; in fact I want the feelings to go away and not come back.
Something happened yesterday; it seems to be making everything worse.
I found out that a man from my church died. I have known him all of my life; I grew up with his children. He was always a kind, patient, gentle man. I always felt safe around him. Looking back he is what I would want for a father if I got to pick my own father. He was 93 years old and up until about 6 months ago he would take meals from the church to a homeless shelter.
I never let anyone in;i never allow anyone to get close to me, I never allow myself to care about anyone. I didn't realize how much I cared for him until he died. I wont be able to attend his funeral - which really makes me sad.
I go back to the doctor tomorrow, I guess it's really today, I'm not looking forward to that either - more back manipulation - guaranteed.
I feel like I am all over the place; but I could you see some support this week - unless until I make it through Sunday.
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Thank you all for your support.
Dr's appointment was not as bad as I was expecting - no back manipulation today.
Dr spent my appt pushing and pulling on my neck head, back, arms, and legs. Seems like it just makes everything worse. He also reviewed MRI results from last May and showed me several herniated discs.
My cervical spine is fused from c2 - T1. You would think it would be impossible for me to have a pinched nerve in my neck when the whole thing is fused. But I do.
The bottom of my lumbar spine is fused as well. Ive go another herniated disc there as well.
I have 2 more in my thoracic spine
He wants his partner to do a guided spine injection in each area. Ive had them before - they can be triggering and they haven't helped. if it does not work this time; I think i may just live with the pain.
The only problem with that is the pain can be triggering. Pretty sure my father is responsible for most if not all of the issues with my back.Just one more reminder of what he did to me.
I'm still worried about Sunday. I did text my T and she is going to meet with me for about 30 minutes tomorrow. Once again I was really apprehensive about asking; and once again she agreed to see me.
Thank you again for sitting with me and pocket riding - I really appreciate it.
May be triggering
I had trouble falling asleep last night; every time i closed my eyes there were snakes moving all around me. My T suggests when this happens I should tell them to go away and if they don't listen - stab them with a knife if they get to close. This use to work all of the time, but not so much anymore..
Last night I was afraid to confront them. They were huge - they terrified me. I didnt think about stabbing them - i couldnt move. They were close but they werent touching me. They were yellow and white. The snakes werent trying to attack me but they were very large and aggressive.. They were traveling off of the floor - gravity wast effecting then. It seemed like they were going back and forth between here and some sort of alternate world - As they moved a part of them would disappear and then reappear as they continued moving in circles.
I had to keep opening my eye in order to feel safe. I keep repeating to myself - They are just rumors of memories I've already won.It helped calm me down a little bit but I was still afraid to close my eyes.