Sarah95

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About Sarah95

  • Birthday 01/19/1995

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Texas
  • Interests
    I love to binge watch. Gaming. Kickboxing workouts (for my anger ). Mystery and fantasy favorite kind of books. Movies💙. Swimming💙.

Previous Fields

  • MembershipType
    Survivor

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  1. Welcome to AS At first it was hard for me but you are not alone. I believe you. It's not your fault. You have begun your healing process. Look at this site as journal vent, tell your story, take all that you are feeling and put on here. It helps if you have a support group or counseling near you. If your like me i rely a lot on support groups online because i live in a small town and can't afford counseling. We all have our stories although, they are different they are important. We are all survivors. Wish you all the best ☺
  2. I keep asking myself how did i get so lost. I was so fearless and now i am full of fear. I don't know how to forgive. I'm still so angry but i act like everythings fine but I'm lying inside I'm falling apart. I feel like I'm getting kicked while I'm already down. I'm so full of hate that its tainting my heart, my body has already been defiled. I refuse this hate to turn all the good I have in my heart. I hope to one day forgive.

    Thank you to everyone of you on this site and for anyone new here this is a safe place to vent or to tell your story. Your not alone. Started you healing by read other stories, they're voices. Thank you for taking to time to hear my voice. 

    1. MeBeMary

      MeBeMary

      I think many of us know of the "everythings fine" act. We pretend so well sometimes. Too well. I believe healing can happen, but it takes time. It takes patience and patience is not easy.

      Remember, you are not alone, either. Sitting with you. :hug: if ok.

  3. My father was never around after i was born. My mom always allowed men who beat her and some abused my siblings one was my father. I was born out of an affair. I had been in 3 near death experience before i was 6, The first was when i was when i was 2 one of my moms boyfriends nieces push my stroller in front of a car  luckily my sister who was 9 ran after me stop it before the car got me. At 4 i got ahold of a loaded gun almost shot myself but instead shot the window my grandma found me. At 5 i fell from a tree branch and on top of a bar b que pit it missed my throat by 2 in. My mom and i never got along in fact my mom blame me through out my life for everything. We argue all the time. When i was 15 needed her she wasn't there in fact she compared her life story to mine said i could send you to mental hospital if you want, that was when i was in an abusive relationship, stalked and also was raped by a 20 year old lost all my friends, i had no one and was mad at everyone and was constantly paranoid. I had to live with everyone calling me a sl*t even her 2nd husband. I was shamed by family member who my mom told. Everyone at school said i was going out with a 23, 24 or 27 year old guy and sl*t shamed. At 18 my ex who stalked, raped, and abused me came back into my life because stupid me i was trying to forgive him for all he had done to me which i thought would help me heal but instead i got sl*t shamed by my at the time boyfriend who thought i was "fucking him", my mom believed him and after i dumped him she told me i just lost the best thing that would ever happened to me.  

    After i finished high school i went straight to working overtime at a shity fast food job because brother was diagnosis with stage 3 testicular cancer. 

    Now that my mom told me she has cancer. I just can't help but blame myself for not seeing the signs. It seems I haven't been paying attention either. I worried that she might not make it. 

  4. I hate myself sometimes me and my mom just got into another fight... I found out she has cancer. I feel so ashamed and then my boyfriend want to leave because he tired of the fighting i just want to runaway from this life i hate who i am. Everything about this life is so fucked up. I just give up.  I'm so tired of fighting. All my life with this wall of anger and idk how to destroy it. Constantly blaming myself for everything. 

    Im sorry for the cussing. 

  5. Its 5 in morning here. I've been crying 3 hour straight. Everytime i cry like this everything just comes back all the hurt i've been through. I just can't seem to stop crying. I just want to heal from my past but days like these just set me back. 

    I've been lost lately I'm trying to get myself together but there's so much negativity surrounding me in this house. I just want it to end. It's hard to do this by yourself. I need help but can't get the help. I feel like a burden to everyone in my family. I wonder if anyone can see I'm drowning inside struggling to breathe. I just want to go back in time to before everything happened when i was happy and when i had my whole family around i miss everyone. Just be around everyone together again i would give anything to have those days back, to hug my uncle and my grandma one last time.

    Even though i am down i still have my happy memories. The first time held my nephews and niece, the first they smiled, when me, brother and sister were young the crazy crap we would do, all the fun i had with my friends, when we bleached our hair the first time it looked horrible but me and my siblings still rocked it. The time me and my sister went to a concert together, when i smoked weed for the first time with both of them, and my first time i got drunk with sister. I'm still here fighting everyday to enjoy life. 

    I thank god i have somewhere to just say what's on my mind because its a big relief to be able to share. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. oceonwaves

      oceonwaves

      sorry you are suffering so much. :hug: sitting with you.

    3. oceonwaves

      oceonwaves

      love this song. sometimes we cry

    4. oceonwaves

      oceonwaves

      also this one the healing game.

  6. I wash your clothes, i cook for you, i buy your favorite choice of snacks, i rub your back because i know you work hard, I'm player 2 when you want to have a gaming day, or your binge watching buddy. I am faithful to you. Your my best friend and I love you. 

    When did you stop kissing me before you left from work? When did our phone become our tools ignore each? When did stop saying i love before we when to sleep?

    I know these are just little things but why? We used to be loving toward each other. When you had your problems i was there to wipe away your tear. I was there when you fell. I followed you when you want to move. I chose your family over my family. When i need you you defend your family instead me the one who been by your side through everything even when everyone said it would last because of the family against family but i didn't care because we loved each other.

    When you shut me out are you blinded by anger to see it hurts me, your the only one i want to talk to everyday. When we get into a fight I'm always the reason even if your in the wrong its my fault because you work your stressed and i do nothing compared to what you do right? The first time you left i begged you to stay because i love you i could imagine my life without you. You said that the reason you left was that you loved me, you what to show me what its like if "we" keep going down the same path. Like good girl i still stay faithful to you. I let you see how vulnerable i was without you. Did you know i cried myself to bed all those nights because everything surrounding me had you smell your pillow, the blanket we share, your shirt i wore to bed, everything reminded me of you. Did you know i was depressed from the stuff i was going and losing my job knowing i was the only one work. How exhausted i was from selling my plasma for 2 1/2 months straight even though my vein collapsed each time did it, it left me in pain and with bruises but i needed the money. All you were concerned about was that you were stressed out! That i was we the reason for it. 

     I'm still dealing with depressed but I'm trying. Theres days i wake up and just lay there not because i want to i just can't get up. Then theres days i find a way to start my day by my music or i have my gaming day with you and i have a fun day at least i try too.

    I hope you know i trying to do the best i can.. 

    End of my venting

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Bluesclues

      Bluesclues

      :hug:thank you :throb:

    3. Bluesclues

      Bluesclues

      Can I PM you?

    4. Free2Fly

      Free2Fly

      Oh :tear: , that's a sad love story.

  7. Just once i want to feel okay like I'm not broken. I know i have baggage, an attitude and anger problems. I know push people away but I'd rather be alone in my own little world than let people see how vulnerable i am. Its hard not to put up my wall when the person supposed by me no matter is defend the opposite side. 

    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Painnbroken

      Painnbroken

      I understand and can relate to being broken and having baggage. I'm just beginning to get angry with certain stuff.  Not angry to cause damage but angry that for what had happened and not being protected kind of anger. If that makes sense.  I too lately have been slowly pushing those away it's easier to push them away rather than for them to see how really broken and destroyed I am.  If it's okay with you may I sit with you and offer safe hugs only if you are okay with that.  Please hang in there and be gentle to yourself.  

    3. Sarah95

      Sarah95

      Thank you.😊 i completely understand what you mean. Safe hugs are welcomed. Im trying.

    4. Free2Fly