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  1. kitkat54

    Looking back

    It has been a really long time since I last posted here. Three years. It seems like so much has changed, but at the same time I still feel it like it was yesterday. I felt like I should update this, because I have made a lot of progress and maybe someone else could find hope in it. The last six months have felt like an entirely different lifetime. After one of the lowest points in my life, after admitting myself to the hospital in fear of myself, I finally went to a doctor. I'm now taking medication and making efforts to change my life, and I feel like an entirely different person than I was before. For a lot of the time before then I abused various substances and did all manners of dangerous things to try and cope with the trauma. I went to some horrific, dark, places. And when I hit the rock bottom I knew I needed help and it was the best decision I've ever made. I've never been able to cope, feel normal, feel happy, and now I can. I have started feeling better about myself, stopped blaming and shaming myself, and made efforts to get my life moving back in a positive direction. There's been so many ups and downs and hard times.. and I just hope this stability for me can last.
  2. kitkat54


    It is difficult to come to terms with things when finding answers does not bring the peace you had anticipated, and makes things more challenging. It is a complex feeling, good and bad, confusing and clarifying. I wish I had the answers, but I hope that you find peace in this. Sitting with you
  3. I dont really have any friends. Not that I dont have anyone.. but just not anyone who'd understand.
  4. kitkat54


    This is very moving, and well written.
  5. I feel like lately, I can't keep going with this. Remembering, reliving my nightmares.. I want to heal, but I also just want to forget. I want to pretend nothing ever happened. I feel like I dont belong here.. I dont want to belong here.. I dont want to accept that I belong here..
  6. kitkat54

    I dont understand

    Same (told to just move on) and deifnitely to the thirteen reasons why! I had two full emotional breakdowns because of being triggered by those scenes and others, and it started me into a depressive episode. Great! I also get not wanting to live with those memories anymore. I dont want to hurt myself, but its so hard to live with this pain
  7. thank you both for the support. it means a lot
  8. I have few memories of the year I was abused. So bear with me as I share my story in pieces.. as I begin to remember. It was summer again. He's driving me home. I start saying that things aren't working out between us. I'm terrified of his reaction. He turns away from my house and starts driving in the other direction, and once we are far away, he stops. He locks the doors. He won't let me out. I'm panicking. I tell him I can't do this anymore, I'm crying from fear and he looks so angry. He refuses to let me leave him, he won't allow it. He's done this before. This time, I slowly take hold of my backpack. As quick as I can manage, I manually unlock my door and run out as fast as I can. Not fast enough. He's out of the car now, screaming for me to come back, and he grabs my arm hard. He tells me again that I can't leave him. Something overtakes my body, and I scream at him to let me go. I don't know where this strength came from, or who I am in this moment, and clearly neither does he. He looks at me wide eyed. I've never stood up to him like this, he doesn't know how to react. I turn around and run, turn back and he isn't following me. I run and run, but I know this is not the end. It was not.
  9. Well how could you be happy? It's not an easy question to answer, but if you do your best to figure it out then you can start to work towards that
  10. I definitely understand where youre coming from, about worrying about people thinking you're dramatic. Being a very young person, especially with mental illness (im so glad you're doing well right now by the way!) people tend to not take you seriously, whether friends or family or adults who you trust. I experienced a lot of this fear when it happened to me, but i assure you if you find the right people to listen it can be very healing, whether it be with people in your life or here! Hope this helps.
  11. I made a lot of questionable choices in the aftermath. But you cant so harshly blame yourself for these actions, because they werent without cause. You arent in a normal headspace after such a thing. Dont feel sorry for telling your feelings, you are more than welcome to let them out.
  12. You arent alone. It's difficult for me too. Also new here. The important thing is that you're here and hopefully getting some help and the support you need to keep healing
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