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cantstoprunning75

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    New Zealand.....today

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  1. Thank you Hawkgirl and Stagnas. Its harder than I thought it would be to write things down. Looking at the words seem like I'm making excuse for my shitty behavior. I've spent a life time avoiding it, pretending it wasn't a big deal. It took me a life time to realize everything was connected. Every action and decision I've made since I was 8 has been to protect myself. My secret. I've always doubted my manhood because of what happened. I did everything to convince myself. 18 years old, hey world look at me I joined the Marines so I cant be weak and taken advantage of. I'm a man right? Look I've done 6 Ironman triathlons so I'm really tough right? I'm a workaholic, I drink too much, I do drugs if the opportunity arises but worst of all I keep every human being that cares about me at arms length. I let nobody in. So many people haven't given up on me and would do anything for me and I still run away. I hate the fact I cant tell anyone. It makes me feel so weak and so shitty that this happened to me. I don't want people to know! I do not see what everyone else in this world sees. I have spent a life time creating this other person that I don't even know. The funny thing is I keep running away and what I'm really running from is myself. I don't know how to let people love me. I find it so easy to love someone but I cant stand someone loving me. I'm hoping if I just keep talking it will help. I feel like the song by Simon and Garfunkel, I am a Rock is my theme song. Thanks for reading my posts. It means a lot to me. I'm trying so hard to find my voice and reading all of the stories in here is helping!
  2. I remember in the summer of 2014 Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens was suspended for 2 games by the NFL for domestic violence. He said all the right stuff. I'm sorry, I'm in counseling, she has forgiven me, blah, blah blah. In the fall while he was serving his suspension a video came out of the actual incident. The video was of the 2 of them inside an elevator and they were arguing. He got so upset he punched her in the face and knocked her out cold. One punch. All of a sudden everybody is in an uproar. The league suspended him indefinitely and the Ravens fired him. Nothing happened in the video that wasn't described when he was originally suspended in the summer. The only difference was people could see it and not read it. I wonder what people thought when they read the original article? I wonder what people thought a guy knocking his girlfriend out looked like? Could they not imagine what knocking someone out in an elevator looked like? Was it not that serious because they didn't have to see it. I guess a picture does tell a 1000 words. I wish there was a video of an 8 year old boy in a room alone with a grown man. The grown man kissing the boy and taking his pants off. Making the boy touch his di*k and put it in his mouth. Then take the boys underwear off and do worse. Then I could just show it to them (they would have to watch it 4 times) and not have to try to figure out a way to tell people. I was molested doesn't seem to convey what happened to me. I think its only fair that people should have to watch the movie. I was forced to watch it 4 times when I was 8 years old.
  3. Everything happens for a reason. I’ve hated that statement since the very first time I can remember hearing it. It makes it sound like the world is a fair place. If you do something good you are rewarded and if you do something bad you are punished. All the chaos in the world is part of some grand plan that we don’t get to know about. If karma exists is not going to happen in this world. This is my story and nobody else’s. Unfortunately, from what I’ve read and heard in the past 15 months it seems to be a pretty common story. As uncomfortable as its going to make you feel reading this please understand that it was much more uncomfortable living it and it’s so hard telling it that I have to do it anonymously. I've been writing it for a year and a still cry when I read the words. I want to share this with the people that care about me (if there are any left). 5 years ago I was living a normal (I did say that) life. Good job, lots of money, nice town, nice car, living with my family and lots of friends. Then my Dad died. I hadn't seen him or really talked to him in years. I lived 8,000 miles away. Then everything slowly started to fall apart and I don't know why. I did know why but I didn't connect the dots. Now I live 10,000 miles away from every person that matters to me. All alone and afraid of the truth and so ashamed and embarrassed that I would rather be alone than have people feel sorry for me or know the truth. But everything happens for a reason right? More to follow
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